His Worrisome Aching Ch. 03

Sarah's pulse hammered inside her head; it felt like it would burst from all the thoughts over-crowding it!

Her body was tingling and her heart still hammering, although her physical reactions were abating.

What had she just done?

She helped her cousin Jon feel better. That was definite. And that was what she had set out to do. Her goal was to help others as a natural doctor. An herb doctor. Someone who would help others with better health. She was proud of herself...but she had not expected this!

Her first 'patient' was her own cousin, who was afraid he might have testicular cancer. Heck, she figured she would learn remedies and treatments to help problems like headaches, constipation, period problems, belly-aches. But when Jon described his problem to her she was determined to help.

Unexpectedly, her first patient had a health problem she had never given any thought to. She had touched the genitals of a male! Jon was her cousin, but still obviously a guy. She didn't know whether that fact made it better or worse. She had examined his testicles and penis, and compared them with the pictures and descriptions in her home-study medical books.

Then she had masturbated him...and watched the thick semen spurt out of his erection. It had mostly shot up onto his belly, but some of it drooled over her hand as the creamy substance so abruptly shot from his penis. After he was all done squirting, she had used tissues to wipe it off his skin. They had both been naively and completely fascinated by the process.

But Sarah felt a flood of guilt. She knew for sure that her parents would absolutely freak out if they knew. And Jonathan's parents. And Pastor Phelps. Holy cow! The adults would probably lecture them, and tell them they were going to go to hell now! Any kind of sex was supposed to be saved for marriage, wasn't it? That's what Pastor Phelps had said. It was a sin. And when people found out, they'd be harshly punished. And, worst of all, they would probably go to hell for it. That place where the souls of sinners would be tormented forever and forever.

But hey hadn't really had sex, Sarah reasoned. But Pastor Phelps said 'self abuse' or 'jerking off' was a horrible sin. It wasn't allowed in their strict religious group. People weren't supposed to touch themselves 'down there' except when bathing or using the toilet. Her mind struggled with the ramifications of what they had done. Technically, Jon hadn't 'abused himself', but Sarah figured what she had done was probably a big sin, too. Maybe they'd both go to hell? She wasn't sure. But even if they didn't end up in the real hell, she was sure there would be hell to pay from parents and the preacher if anyone found out.

Maybe none of that would happen. Maybe no one's parents would find out. She sure didn't want that to happen! She knew Jon didn't want that, either, but next time they talked, she'd emphasize that to him, anyway. She believed in God, but also kind of hoped that maybe what parents and pastors didn't know might never make it to God's attention.

If their parents didn't know, then no one would tell Pastor Phelps. She hoped. She knew she definitely wouldn't. But what about Jon? Would he confess this 'sin' to the preacher? And if he did, he'd tell their parents, and they'd both be punished and not allowed to see one another. And they'd be shamed, and expected to confess to the congregation. There would be ruination and repercussions for sure.

What about if it really was a sin? The church said it was. But, that book said something like ''Although frowned upon by certain cultures and religions, it is normal, healthy and harmless." She sincerely wanted Jon to be healthy, for sure. It had made him feel better. And it must be 'natural' - right in line with her studies about 'natural health'. Still...Sarah's thoughts and feelings were terribly conflicted. Was the medical book right, and the pastor and elders wrong?

She heard the pickup coming up the drive. It was her parents. Sarah's mind jolted, she jumped up, and hastily changed outfits. She put on modest shorts - not only because her parents didn't want her to wear anything too skimpy, but because the crotch of the shorts she had on had gotten quite damp while she was 'helping' Jonathan.

She checked her hair in the mirror, then ran down the stairs to greet her mother and father.

"Hi Sarah," her mother said. "Would you help me get something together for lunch real quickly? You father has a board meeting in an hour."

"Sure mom."

As they prepared a few sandwiches, Carole asked her daughter, "Are you feeling alright, Sarah? You look a little...I don't know...tense."

Sarah blushed, then insisted that she was fine.

"O...K...if you say so..."

Sarah hoped her mother didn't sense anything about what she and Jon had done. She worried, but decided to act as calmly as possible about it.

After lunch, Sarah's father left for his meeting, and the two women tidied the kitchen in silence for a few minutes.

"Sarah, I'd like to see those anatomy books you mentioned."

"Sure, mom. You want to come up to my room, or have me bring them down here?"

"Let's go to your bedroom." And up the stairs they went.

Carole was quite interested in Sarah's studies, and proud that she wanted to learn about non-traditional ways of helping people improve their health. And...she was curious about the images in the book Sarah had mentioned.

She felt embarrassed and silly because ever since Sarah had mentioned that there were real photos, she had wanted to see them. That wasn't like her. Was it?

It had been a few years since Karl had been able to get an erection. He was diabetic, and his obesity didn't help. He had lost his libido, and Carole couldn't seem to interest him in sex any longer. It didn't seem fair to her, because she still had the urges. But...it must be God's will that she have a sexless marriage. She knew a few other couples like that. She tried to accept it. Sometimes it wasn't easy, though. A couple times in the past year she had had vivid sexual dreams, which disturbed her. She had dreamt that she was having sex with a stranger, and that was definitely sinful. She prayed for forgiveness, and tried not to think about it any further.

But sometimes she did think about it. Sometimes she fantasized about it. Sometimes she simply could not suppress the thoughts. And her body seemed to have a mind of its own - a sinful 'mind', evidently. The mention of pictures of male genitalia had piqued her interest. That was likely a sin, too - pornography maybe. But maybe not, because they were Sarah's health books... Maybe it wouldn't be a sin, after all. Regardless, she wanted to look at the pictures.

The anatomy book lay open on Sarah's desk. "Here's what I was studying mom," Sarah said, handing the open book to her mom. The book was opened to a page that had an anatomical cross-section of male genitalia. Carole had seen a picture like that back when she was in highschool. Interesting in an academic sort of way. She turned the page, and there was another drawing, this time in color, with more detail, showing nerves and veins.

"Very interesting," she said to Sarah. "There is so much to learn about the body, isn't there?"

On the next page-turn she saw a picture of the different stages of growth. "The Tanner Stages" was the caption. It showed photos of the changes that occur in males from pre-puberty to adulthood. All the penises were flaccid, of course. Still, Carole stared at them intently.

Carole moved to sit on the bed, and Sarah sat next to her. "I never knew about this stuff before I got this book, mom. Isn't it neat how boys change into men? It's kind of cool, don't you think?"

"It is. They go through changes kind of like girls. Well, I mean, you know how your body has changed over the past few years...and boys' bodies do too."

"And look at this, mom," Sarah said as she turned one more page. The side-by-side photos were of a flaccid penis and the same penis erect. Carole's eyes widened a little, and she took in a deep breath.

"Isn't that neat, mom?" Sarah was hopeful that her mother would agree, instead of condemning her for having a book that contained such pictures.

Carole briefly looked away from the book, then back at the color photos. She noticed a slight increase in the temperature of the skin of her chest and face. She had never, ever seen such a picture before. In highschool it was just the simple diagram. But this was a real man's penis - both relaxed and standing up stiff. "Oh, dear!" Sarah. "Errrr...yes...it is..neat." She stared at the erection a little longer, then closed the book.

"It's good that you are learning about the body, dear. I know we didn't really touch on very much during your schooling. Pastor Phelps advised us mothers to avoid teaching anything 'explicit' - which meant we didn't teach you children anything about 'organs of reproduction' or 'sex'. Your father agreed with him, so I avoided it. But...I think it may have been a mistake."

"It's just natural, mom, isn't it? I have to learn it to be a natural doctor. Besides, isn't it cool that that thing can go from limp and dangling to all stiff and hard?"

"Sarah!"

Sarah opened to the same page, and said, "Just look at it, mom. It grows SO big. How does it do that? I guess I'll learn how as part of the chapter. "

Carole stared at the side-by-side photos again, then looked away. God, she missed having sex. It had been a long, long time since her husband had been able to get an erection like in the photo. The most he could muster was somewhere between limp and half-erect.

"Look at it mom, isn't that just the coolest thing? The only thing is, there isn't a picture of anything coming out of it," Sarah said naively.

"Sarah! Maybe we need to put away the anatomy book for today. Besides, how do you know something comes out of it?"

Sarah instantly blushed deeply. Her skin was suddenly hot, and she knew her face must be red. Carole noticed the obvious change in her daughter's complexion. She also felt her own face flush. She stood up, trying to control her feelings, and wondering how Sarah knew. She must have read it in the book. Obviously that was it. Wasn't it? It had to be. Carole stood a moment, realizing that she, herself, had blushed. She had gotten aroused by looking at the photos. She needed to cool herself down.

"I'm going downstairs for some lemonade. Do you want some, too?"

"Sure, I'll come down with you."

The two of them sat at the kitchen table and enjoyed the cold lemonade.

"So, I guess that the books you are studying must explain that something comes out of a man's erection?"

"Yeah, mom, they explain ejaculation. I didn't know that word before, but now I do."

Carole relaxed a bit. "I figured it was in one of your books, but I have to admit that when you first said it, well...my first thought was...well...that maybe you knew for some other reason." She watched for a reaction, and Sarah blushed again.

Carole was suspicious, although the truth included that the basic anatomy and physiology books that her daughter was studying surely did explain such things. She wondered what was the most appropriate thing to do? She knew she had to say something.

Taking another sip of the refreshingly cold lemonade, Carole said, "You know, honey, I feel badly that I didn't teach you much of anything about sex. As I already said, Pastor Phelps did not want us home-schooling moms to mention it. And your father, well, you know, he didn't either. He was raised up in this way of believing. But...I wasn't raised as strictly. I made the choice before I married your dad to be ultra-conservative. Anyway, maybe we need to spend some time making up for what I didn't teach you. What do you think?"

"Sounds great, mom...but...Pastor Phelps won't like it, will he? Or dad?"

"No, Sarah, they won't. And...we don't need to tell them. I've gone along with their strictness and ultra-conservative ways for years. But that doesn't mean that I agree with it all. I love the Lord and believe He is my Savior...but I don't believe that we have to live SO very strictly. I think Pastor Phelps interprets the Bible in a very restricted way - meaning that I think he says it says things it doesn't really say." Carole paused to take a deep breath, which she slowly released. "Actually, honey, I'm not convinced that everything that they have labeled as 'sinful' really is."

Sarah's eyes widened. She had never heard her mother say such a thing! This was quite an unexpected revelation.

"And, honestly honey, I believe your daddy misinterprets some things, too. And claims that the Bible says some things that it never says at all." Carole could scarcely believe her candor. But...for some reason...she felt those things needed to be said. What if she didn't teach Sarah about sex? Who would? Some predatory boy or man? What kinds of trouble could she experience just because her mother had not taught her anything?

"So," Carole continued, "howsabout you and I make a pact? Let's agree to be open and honest with each other, talk like friends, and you can ask questions and have things explained. What do you think about that?"

Sarah stared at her mother. Carole continued, "And part of our pact will be that we won't tell ANYONE else what we discuss. Not your father. Not Pastor Phelps. Not anyone. Is it a deal?"

Sarah smiled broadly. "Really, mom?"

"Really, honey. I feel there are things we need to talk frankly about, and I think it is my responsibility. You're my only child, and, well, I think I have been remiss in my duty. I have deferred to the men, but I don't agree with them. I respect them, and I respect their position, but I do not agree. I want you to be able to make decisions on your own, Sarah, and not HAVE to take the word of someone else." Carole continued, "Make no mistake, honey, I love and respect your father. And I respect Pastor Phelps. And I have, at times, chosen to yield to their wishes - even when I disagreed with them. But it was my choice, honey. I chose to go along, because I respect them both, and believe that they - in their way - are trying to do right. They are both good men, and well-intentioned. But not always right. I want you to have the choice, Sarah. And if we don't talk like friends, and be open with one another, I'm afraid you will end up being a mindless follower of some cult, or end up with an abusive man in your life. And I want to try to prevent either of those from happening to my little girl."

Sarah did her best to absorb her mother's words. She liked them - she liked them a lot. But she was timid and afraid. "And you won't say anything to dad or Pastor Phelps?"

"Not a word, Sarah. I promise. Whatever we discuss will be kept between you and I." She reached her hand toward her daughter, pinkie finger extended. "Pinkie promise?"

"Pinkie promise," Sarah repeated. The hooked their little fingers together and giggled.

"Oh, and one more thing, Sarah: I won't judge or ridicule you for anything you tell me. And you agree that you will treat me the same. Deal?"

"Deal, mom!"

Both of them smiled broadly. Each relieved that they had found someone to confide in.

"So, let's have another lemonade. Your father will be gone for a couple of hours. Let's talk about erections. Do you want to stay inside, or go out on the porch swing?"

"Let's go out on the porch. Do you want me to go get my book with the anatomy pictures?"

"Yes, I think that's a good idea."

Sarah ran up the stairs to fetch the book, and Carole took two glasses of lemonade out onto the porch.

"You know, honey, the Bible condemns gluttony - you know, stuffing oneself with food."

"I remember," Sarah said, wondering how this topic had arisen.

"God created us to need to eat food - just like the rest of His creatures. There is no sin in eating, Sarah. But the Word says is a sin to OVER-eat - to gorge ourselves - to make food of too much importance in our lives."

"O...K..."

"And the Bible doesn't forbid drinking wine, but it condemns getting drunk," Carole continued.

"I don't get your point, mom," Sarah answered.

"Well, honey, we were created with the urge and need to eat. God made us that way. And we get hungry - we have the desire to eat. His word says we shouldn't overdo it, and shouldn't make food the most important thing in our lives. And, the Bible says we can drink wine, but not to get drunk." She paused, continuing to look into her daughter's eyes. "I believe sex is the same, Sarah..."

"What? What do you mean, mom?" Sarah enquired innocently.

"I mean, well, I think I mean that God created us with desires for sex. And...I guess...needs for sex. And just like with the food and wine and other things, God also made guidelines. I don't believe that having sexual desires, or needs, or even sex, itself, is a 'sin', Sarah. I think God did set up boundaries for us - guidelines for our own good." Carole looked down and said, "Oh, I don't know, Sarah. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I'm used to doing that within the church. But...I just don't want you to feel guilty about having feelings that I BELIEVE are normal and natural."

The two were silent for more than a minute, gliding forward and backward on the porch swing.

Then Carole took the book, and found the page with the color photos of the flaccid penis and the same penis erect. She laid it open on her lap. Very calmly and neutrally, she said, "So, tell me, sweetie, what comes out of a man's penis when he is swelled up and erect and stimulated."

Sarah eagerly said, "Well, mom, first there is some clear stuff. It kind of oozes out. It's all slippery. Then later, it will spurt out some thick, gooey stuff that is called semen. It shoots out in gushes. Several times while the erection kind of jerks."

Carole held up a finger to Sarah, indicating that she should pause. Carole took a minute to find what the book said about ejaculation. She took another sip of lemonade, looked Sarah in the eyes, and said, "That's right honey. It says SOME of that here in the book. But...Sarah...you told me some things that your book doesn't mention."

Sarah blushed hard, and looked away. She fought to hold back tears of embarrassment and guilt.

"Your book doesn't mention the clear liquid that oozes out and feels slippery. And it doesn't mention that the spurts of semen gush out in several rhythmic spurts." Carole had confirmed that Sarah had firsthand knowledge, which was her first assumption while they were still upstairs. "Honey...we just agreed that we are going to be open and honest with each other, and not be judgemental, and not say a word to dad or Pastor Phelps... Do you still agree to that?"

Sarah slowly turned her face back toward her mother, wiping a few tears from the corners of her eyes. "Yeah, mom...I still agree."

Using her quiet voice, Carole went on. "So, honey, you just told me something about penises that isn't in your textbook...which means that you learned it some other way."

Tears rushed unrestrained to Sarah's eyes as she looked pleadingly into her mother's. "Baby girl, I am not going to scold you. I am not going to judge you. I am not going to tell daddy or the pastor. I know that you have some other source of information other than the books you showed me. I am guessing that you are feeling guilty about now, so let's talk about it like friends, so you aren't stuck feeling ashamed. Remember, God made us the way we are - with our different parts, and our different functions, and...I believe...with needs."

Wow! Sarah could not believe what her mother was saying! Her mother wanted to be like a friend, and wasn't going to be all judgmental or shocked, and promised not to 'turn her in'!

"Really, mom?"

"Really."

They gently swung back and forth on the porch swing in silence. Sarah was in a dilemma. Her mother knew that, somehow, Sarah knew something that wasn't in the book. She was 'caught'. And her mother had said, and pinkie-promised that whatever they talked about would remain between the two of them.