Hornswoggled

FOGIEVILLE

The word had been spray-painted in fire engine red letters across the northernmost wall of the Bingo Hall, the side that faced Main Street, to ensure any and all who passed by would see it. Judge Theodore Mathers studied the words, though not in person, but on a surveillance tape he had paused. He then pressed play, and once the camera had a good fix on the perp, he paused it again and looked at the defendant. He flicked his bottom lip between his teeth before saying, "It's obviously you. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," Eddie Greene answered honestly.

"This doesn't bode well for you," Judge Mathers said. He contemplated for all of thirty seconds, then said, "I guess three months of—"

"If I may, your honor?"

Not simply because she was the plaintiff, and not because she was in charge of the Elk's Club on Bingo night, but because she was his mother did Judge Mathers allow the interruption. "Go ahead, Mrs. Mathers."

"Your honor, I am willing to chalk this up to tom foolery, the impetuousness of youth. This young man is barely eighteen years of age. He doesn't need something like this on his record when his whole life is ahead of him. May I suggest that you remand him to my custody? We have a lot of repairs that need doing at the Bingo Hall. Allow Mr. Greene to work his debt off where it would matter most."

Judge Mathers looked at Eddie and said, "You should be down on your knees thanking this woman. She has more heart than I would have shown." Then, to the court in general, "Sentence is two months dutiful labor at the Bingo Hall under the supervision of Mrs. Mathers."

The gavel struck, and they left the court room.

"You may come by around three this afternoon and begin pressure washing that graffiti from the wall," Mrs. Mathers told Eddie once they had gotten outside. "And don't be late. I'm helping you out of the kindness of my heart. One slip-up and I'll make sure you go to jail."

"Mean old bitch," Eddie's girlfriend, Kendra, said when Mrs. Mathers was out of earshot.

"Maybe," Eddie said, "but she's right. I have to do this or I'll go to jail." He looked at his watch. "It's two-fifteen. Guess I should go ahead and take you home so I can be there on time."

He arrived with seconds to spare. Mrs. Mathers, who had a scowl on her face, told him where he could find the equipment, and about fifteen minutes later Eddie was cleaning the mess he had made. She walked out periodically to check his progress, and the last time she arrived just as he was washing the final "E" from the wall. "Good. Good, but now you see, we have this patch of wall that looks brand new while the other is rather drab. I suppose you will just have to do the whole wall."

"The whole wall?" Eddie questioned. He looked at his watch. It was already five-fifteen. "Today?"

"Of course not. Come back tomorrow," she said with a smile. "What time should I expect you?" Eddie didn't work. Hell, he didn't have to. His parents were loaded, and Mrs. Mathers knew this. "Eight-thirty sound good?"

"Yes, ma'am," Eddie said. "Do you want me to put all this up, or ...?"

"Just leave it," she told him. "That way you can get right to work first thing."

Eddie was there at eight-thirty. His first inclination was to rush through the job, but he knew that Mrs. Mathers would have something to say about it if it wasn't perfect. Therefore, he took his time and made sure the wall looked as good as it could. "I'm impressed," she said upon inspection, "but now the other walls look drab compared to this one. Take care of those as well."

He was beginning to think that maybe community service or even jail would have been a better alternative, but he sighed deeply and did as he was told.

Eddie spent the entire day pressure washing the Bingo hall. He even did the parking lot and the sidewalk, just in case those were next on the old crabapple's agenda.

"My, my, my. Doesn't this look good?" she said as she walked around the building. "You have done a fine job today, Eddie. Put the equipment away and go home. Be proud of your accomplishments today."

"Eight-thirty tomorrow?" he asked before doing so.

"Make it ten. I have an appointment at the hair dresser early tomorrow."

Eddie arrived at 9:59. He pulled next to Mrs. Mathers' car and made his way to a side door that was partially open. He entered, and when he didn't readily see anyone, he called her name. Nothing. He called again. "Back here," he heard, so he made his way to what was a storage room. "Eddie, good to see you," she greeted when she saw him.

"Your hair looks nice," he said in way of a response. It never hurt to curry a little favor with the boss.

"Oh, thank you," she replied. Then, "Today I want you to clean out this storage room. Move all the boxes out and open them, then call me when you've done that so I can go through the contents and label them."

"Yes, ma'am," Eddie said, and he got to work.

As Mrs. Mathers was about to leave the area, her cell phone chirped to life. She looked at the caller ID, smiled, and said, "Hello, Teddy. What? Oh, he's here right now. Yes, yes. Oh, you noticed? Yes, he did a fantastic job on the building yesterday. No, I have him cleaning out the storage room. Well, there's just so much to do, but he's been a good worker so far. Well, thanks again for letting him work it off here. The place has needed a good overhaul for quite some time now. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for checking in. Okay, I'll see you tonight at supper. Bye." She turned her attention to Eddie and said, "That was Judge Mathers wanting to know how you were working out. He was impressed by the state of the building."

Eddie smiled, nodded, and got back to work.

Thirty minutes went by before Mrs. Mathers returned to check on Eddie's progress. She surveyed the room, then asked, "What's that? Over in the corner?"

Eddie made his way back, then announced, "It's a roll-away bed."

"Bring it out so I can see it," Mrs. Mathers said, and Eddie did. "Open it up," she bid him as she approached.

"It's a bit dusty," Eddie said when he unfolded it, "but the mattress still looks to be in good shape."

"Let me see," Mrs. Mathers said. She hopped onto it, lay back, and said, "What do you think?"

He didn't know how to respond, so he just shrugged his shoulders.

Mrs. Mathers reached up her skirt, pulled her panties off, cocked her legs wide, then said, "Now what do you think?"

Eddie stared in disbelief. First, because the last thing he expected today was to have a woman as old as his grandmother throwing her naked pussy at him, and second because of all that God-awful hair between her legs. He was used to shaved pussies, manicured pussies, pussies that looked soft and pretty and sweet, not ones that looked like orangutan pussies. He felt his belly lurch.

"Come over here," Mrs. Mathers called.

"Mrs. Mathers, I don't—"

"June, please," she said as he approached.

"June, I don't know what you expect, but I have a girlfriend who I love very much."

"First of all, it's 'whom,' not 'who,' and second, I expect you to eat my old, hairy pussy before you fuck it," she answered matter-of-factly.

"I ... I just can't. I'm sorry."

She picked up her phone and pressed a button. "Stalvey County Courthouse. How may I direct your call?"

"Okay!" Eddie shouted. June Mathers killed the connection. Eddie climbed onto the bed and stuck his face between the woman's aged, withered legs. He searched out her clit with his tongue, but it was miniscule. He finally was able to latch onto something, and judging by June's increasingly animated actions, he figured he must have hit pay dirt. He flicked his tongue there for several minutes, then she grabbed his head as a wild moan escaped her lips.

Out of breath, she said, "Boy, it's been a long time. Now crawl up here and give me some of that hard, young cock of yours."

Eddie stripped down to only his T-shirt, then crawled on top of June and entered her. He had to admit that she was pretty tight. That seemed to be the only redeeming thing about this ill congress. He had to fantasize about his girlfriend going down on Lucy Liu to get off, though, but eventually he did.

"Oh, Eddie. I knew bringing you here would be a blessing for us both."

"Uh, I'm glad I could help," he lied. He wanted nothing more than to pour a bottle of peroxide on his face and dick.

"Time to get back to work," she told him as she pulled her panties up, then she left him to his chores.

Eddie moved all the boxes from the storage room, and June and he went through every one of them, labeling their contents. Once finished, she had him move some to different areas of the Bingo hall. The storage room was near empty. Just a few boxes and the bed remained. Eddie had to wonder if his cleaning this room out was for the benefit of making June a sex den. God, I hope not. He couldn't imagine another session with her.

"I suppose you have done enough for today," June told him when the final box had been moved. Eddie looked at his watch to see it was only twelve-thirty. "Oh, don't look so surprised, Eddie. You learned a valuable lesson today: You keep me happy, and I'll keep your load light."

The double entendre did not escape him. Eddie nodded his acknowledgement of this, asked, "Same time tomorrow?" and when June told him yes, he left.

The following day, Eddie entered the side door as he had done yesterday. He called out June's name, and she met him at the midway point between the hall and the storage room. "Tell me, Eddie, are you a racist?"

"What? No! And I resent you asking me such a question."

"I'm sorry, but I had to be sure," June said with a not-so quaint smile. "I just needed to know because of your first task this morning."

"Which is?"

"Follow me." June led him to the storage room. Waiting for him inside? "Allow me to present to you Ms. Magdeline Porter. She's eighty-five, and she hasn't had sex in over twenty-five years, so she could really use some of your magic."

Eddie bowed his head and shook it pitiably, more for himself than the woman stretched out on the bed. "It was—" He caught himself. He didn't want to tell June that it had been bad enough servicing her, a woman in her seventies, but he did feel as if he had a legitimate reason for not doing the same to Ms. Porter, who was in her mid-eighties. "She's so frail. I don't want to hurt her."

"Then I guess you will just have to be extra gentle," June told him, and when he didn't immediately move, "Look, you either do this for her, or I call my son and he puts you in the county lock-up where there will be a whole batch of men who do this to you."

That got Eddie's attention. He had heard the stories of gay sex in jails and prisons, and he wanted nothing to do with that. He knew, also, that one call would be enough to put him there as his affluency was not enough to get him out of this current jam. Reluctantly, he said, "Okay." He stripped his clothes off, then crawled onto the bed.

"You going to put your mouth on me first?" Ms. Porter asked him. "June said you would put your mouth on me. I've never had a mouth down there before."

Eddie looked at the ungodly mess between her legs and almost threw up. He persevered, though, and lowered his mouth onto her. She jumped as soon as his tongue made contact with her acorn-sized clit. He sucked it gently, rolling it around his mouth even as his tongue rolled around it, and eventually she gave a satisfying, "AHHHHHHH."

"I've never been with a white man before. You ever been with a black woman?"

He had. In fact, several times, but this seemed important to Ms. Porter, so he lied. "No, ma'am. You're my first." She smiled then, and let him enter her. He was happy to find that Ms. Porter was tighter than June had been. Maybe he could actually catch a nut without bringing Lucy Liu into the equation this time. A good ten minutes in, and Ms. Porter had an orgasm. Another two, and Eddie did as well.

Ms. Porter wrapped her arms around him and said, "I'm glad you were my first white man. You made this so special for me."

"Me, too," Eddie said with a smile. He moved to pull out of her but she asked that he keep it in just a little while longer. He did, and when she was ready, she let him know. They dressed, and he even escorted her to her car.

"That was a fine touch," June said when he returned to the Bingo hall. "A gentleman through and through."

"What do you need done today?" Eddie asked, ignoring her.

"The concession stand needs a thorough cleaning, and by 'thorough' I mean hoses bleached, fountain dispenser heads cleaned, the whole nine yards."

"Yes, ma'am," Eddie said, and got right to work.

He was finished by eleven. June came to inspect, seemed very satisfied, and allowed him to leave. "Before I do," he began, "I've relegated myself to the fact that my sentence, my real sentence, is going to be bringing a little joy to all those women I referred to as 'fogies.'" June nodded at this. "If I'm going to do it, can you please have them cut their pubic hair? I have a real aversion to it. I mean, to the point that I want to vomit whenever I see it."

"I'll see what I can do," June told him.

Eight-thirty the following day. June wasn't there, but she left a note telling Eddie that he would find paint and rollers in the back-storage room, which was unlocked. He was to lay down a fresh layer of paint on the parking space dividers, paying special detail to those zoned as handicapped. When he finished, he was free to leave.

He got to work immediately, and by one o'clock he had finished them all. He returned the paint and the rollers to their designated spot and went to see Kendra. He was in the mood for a Whopper, so they went to Burger King. Midway through the meal, his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, so he let it go to voicemail. It rang again. Same number. That one went to voicemail as well. Same number a third time, so he answered.

"This is June," came the voice from the other end.

"How did you get my number?" Eddie asked, perturbed.

"I got it, and I suggest you put this number in your phone so you'll know it's me when I call," she told him. "Now get back down to the Bingo Hall. There's something you forgot to do."

He sighed, said, "Yes, ma'am," then told Kendra that they had to cut their date short.

"Bitch told you you could leave," Kendra said in way of protest.

"She says I forgot something," Eddie told her. "I'll be by when I finish up whatever it is."

He took Kendra home, returned to the Bingo Hall, and instinctively made his way to the storage room, and sure enough ... "No!" Eddie stated emphatically. "Unh-uh. No way in hell am I doing this."

It was the Grierson twins, Cindy and Sandy. They were in their forties as opposed to the other women he had dealt with thus far, but they were no more than five feet tall and weighed a good four hundred pounds each, not to mention they always had a weird odor about them. Eddie and his friends called them "Stinky and Stanky."

"But they are virgins, Eddie," June told him. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?" He said nothing as he kept shaking his head. "I made sure they each had a nice, long shower, and I made sure they shaved their pubic hair, just as you asked. They've done this for you. Are you now going to deny them one of life's greatest pleasures? Or ..." She held her phone aloft.

"FINE!!" Eddie said. "Who first?"

"Why, both at the same time, Eddie," June said. "And just so you know, you are expected to have an orgasm inside each of them."

"Double Duty?" he asked, shocked. Looks like he would be calling on all three of Charlie's Angels for this assignment. He always liked Bosley, but now he wished he were anyone but.

Eddie crawled onto the bed, and then each of the twins took their turn climbing on him. He honestly didn't know which one was whom, and he really didn't give a rat's ass. He just wanted this to be over as soon as possible.

The one at the bottom—he decided to call her "Thing 2"—was trying her hardest to manipulate his erect cock into her vagina, and after a good country minute she found purchase. Thing One, meanwhile, eased herself onto the bed and swung a leg around his head. She lay down like she was going to sixty-nine him, then sat up just the tiniest of bits so that her pussy was eye-level with Eddie's face. He sure didn't relish what was to come next, but he supposed it had to be done

He couldn't readily see Thing One's clit, so he just stuck his tongue inside of her and began to flap it around, hoping it would create enough sensation to get her off. She moved just as he inhaled, and the suction caught him. His nose and mouth were inside of her and he couldn't breathe. He tried moving his head, but her thunder thighs prevented even the most minute of movements. He was suffocating! He panicked. He finally drove his head straight up, and realized after taking a big breath that his nose was less than an inch from her asshole. It didn't stink, though, so at least that was one good thing coming from this.

She repositioned her hips and he felt her clit enter his mouth. It wasn't long, not even an inch, but it sure was bulbous, like one of those "Super Bouncy Balls" one can get from a vending machine. He began to suck it and was reminded that Thing Two was riding him when she announced that she was coming. Her pussy muscles clinched his cock and he decided to try his best to get this over with, so he thrust as well as his impeded state would allow, and sure enough he caught his nut.

"My turn," Thing One said as her sister crawled off him.

"Let's do doggie style," Eddie suggested. He had to give his abused pelvis a break. He entered her, and soon his mind was filled with visions of Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz simultaneously flicking their tongues on Lucy Liu's clit, only it wasn't Cameron Diaz from Charlie's Angels, but Cameron Diaz from The Mask. She was WAY hotter in The Mask. He felt something, but he just couldn't get to that next level. Oh, will you look at that? Demi Moore has decided to join the girls. She walks in, totally nude, and climbs into a sixty-nine with Lucy so that now there is a triple assault on the woman's clit even as Drew and Cameron diddle their clits at full throttle. He came, then fell across Thing One's back, out of breath and spent.

"You performed a great service today, Eddie," June said as the Griersons clothed themselves. "Be proud of your accomplishments."

"Yeah. Right. Whatever," he said in response.

She told him that he was done, but before he left she said, "I won't need you tomorrow morning. I want you here tomorrow night during Bingo as there will be a lot of clean-up afterwards." He waved his understanding as he walked out the door.

The following night was a madhouse. He never suspected that the elderly would come out in droves like this. He had seen the cars parked at the hall on Bingo night, but he didn't realize that so many people played.

He was busy emptying trash cans and mopping spills and pushing the occasional wheelchair-bound person to a table. By the time it was all over, he was more worn out than when he pressure washed the entire building and grounds. He got through it, though, and after making sure that everything was neat and orderly and in its place, he went to June and said, "Guess I'm done. You can check behind me if you like."

"There's one more thing you need to do," June told him. Then she called out, "Frances?"

Eddie didn't know who Frances was, but he recognized the woman immediately. "Gamma?" It was Kendra's grandmother. He looked at June and said, "I can't. Not with her. She's my girlfriend's grandmother."