How Did I Find Myself Here?

How did I find myself here? By "here", I don't mean "in this place", I mean something much larger than that. The last thing I remember thinking, truly thinking, I mean me thinking, was "nothing good can come of this". From that point forward, anything that seemed like thinking, and there was very little of that, was not thinking at all, but something inside of me, leading me to where it wanted to go. Telling my rational mind whatever it needed to hear to get me to what it wanted. The truly unnerving part of all of this is that I don't know if I was right or wrong when I had that final thought that nothing good would come of this.

I was driving down the highway, on a route I'd taken many times before. I travel around the region frequently for work and I was headed out on a brief overnight trip that I make regularly. Along the route of this trip is an adult store that sells videos and novelties but it also makes frequent mentions on Craigslist for its booths in the back room. There are often posts asking for info, asking what the story is with this place, how it works. Of course you generally can't see the replies, so it was a mystery to me still.

As these stories often start out, I'll be cliché and say I've always been "straight". I've also always fantasized about sex with men. It is, by far, my most frequent masturbatory fantasy. In fact, the reason I know that this place shows up frequently on Craigslist is because browsing the ads from men looking for sex is always enough to turn me on and lead to a huge orgasm while stroking myself and thinking about meeting up with someone that posts a picture or words that connect with something buried inside me.

The idea of this place, the idea of men going here to get their cocks sucked by strangers, of sucking stranger's cocks is so deeply arousing that it makes me tremble.

On a number of my trips, I'd listened to something rationalizing in my head enough to get off the highway, "just to see where it is and what it looks like." I'd driven by a few times, incredibly aroused just to see it from the outside. "How pathetic is that?" I'd always thought of myself as I drove back to the highway after a drive-by. So turned on, just to drive by and think of what was going on inside. I'd go home and stroke myself, thinking about actually going inside myself. None-the-less, I'd done these drive-bys at least a half a dozen times over the years. My curiosity had only gotten stronger.

This time, something inside me was different. Something in me knew it was. I was driving down the highway and the thought bubbled to the top that I could just drive by again. The thought did not just pop into my head; it was there all along, I knew, it had always been there. I wasn't thinking that at the time, of course, my mind acted as if it had just occurred to me but part of me screamed that this was a set-up, that the thought was there all along, brought forward only too casually, "nothing good could come of this", I thought, as I exited the highway.

"I'll just drive by", I "reasoned", and I did, at first. I drove by and there were six or seven cars in the lot, in the middle of the afternoon. I drove by. I was just going to turn around at the next chance and go back to the highway and be on my way. I turned down the next street. "I can't really turn around anywhere here; I'll take the next right and see where that takes me." There were no square blocks in this town and the next right veered off in an odd direction. "If there's another right up here somewhere, I'll take it and maybe that will take me back to the main road." I take a right. "Hey, this might be the road that runs next to the store. If it is, I'll just pull into the parking lot but if it's not, I'll just keep going back to the highway." It is. "I'll just park but I'm not going to go in." I park. "This is stupid, I'm here, and I can just go in and look around. I don't even have to go in the back room." The place was clean and well lit, surprisingly so. I wandered around, browsing the toys and video selection but not really looking at anything, my mind disconnected, my body simply moving through the store, I know now, towards the back. There was not a soul in the store, despite the cars out front. A curtain hung across a door in the back corner. I reached it and pushed the curtain aside, walking through. It was dimmer but not dark. There were several men milling about. Embarrassment washed over me. I made no eye contact with anyone but I felt eyes on me. There were two booths to my left with doors closed, there was a small hallway that seemed to go around behind the other booths, there was a display case in front of me, filled with what, I assume, were the movies available in the booths. I stopped and stared into the display case. I pretended to look at the display of movies but I knew, even then, that I was only trying to reign in my panic. I had no idea how any of this worked. I'd heard of tokens, I'd heard of glory holes. I'd assumed that you could go in a booth and just watch a movie, were there glory holes in all of the booths? Did people actually do this? My heart raced. No thought, just this stream of confusion and distraction. Men milling about eying me like fresh meat, my heart racing, confusion. I ran out in a panic, past the curtain and back into the lights...but I stopped. I stopped and stared at something on the walls. I don't know what, it didn't matter. I stared at a display of toys, or at videos, or at something else. I stopped and let my heart slow to only a rapid beat instead of a wild panic.

"I can just go back in and go right in a booth. I don't have to look at anyone else. I don't have to have tokens. If it takes tokens, I'll leave. If I want to, I can leave anyway. I can just go in a booth." I did. I passed back through the curtain. I didn't look up, but again, I could feel eyes on me. The first booth had an indicator on it that said, "Vacant". I entered, closed and locked the door behind me. I sat and let my heart slow again. Still racing but not so close to hyperventilating. I was awash with something like terror but also something like arousal. It was a strange mix that I had no understanding of, but that I know now, was terror of how turned on I was.

I saw a bill slot for feeding bills into for the movie, so I slid in a dollar and it was spit back out. I tried a five and the screen came alive. There was a movie of a guy stroking himself, slowly sliding his hand up and down a big thick cock that I just stared at. I opened my pants and took my cock out and began stroking myself. Finally I could gather myself to look around the booth a little. Was there a glory hole? I looked to my side and saw what looked like a frame on the wall. Was that smoky Plexiglas in it? I was confused. I'd sort of pictured a hole carved out in the booth, crudely chipped out by men hungry for sex. Were you only supposed to watch? Was there a projector behind the glass? I honestly "thought" this. I reached out to see if it was solid, inside the frame, and my hand slid through what was a neatly framed opening between my booth and another that was behind it. I pulled my hand away but the response to my unintended gesture was for a cock to be put quickly through the opening.

I didn't think. There was no thought, just a reaction. I reached out and took the cock in my hand and began to stroke it. From there, I can recount what happened, I can recall it thinking back, but there was no thought to it, it all just happened. My mind seemed to wake at certain points and register what was happening but not apply any thought to it, only to recognize it. Then I was on my knees on the sticky floor of the booth and I took the cock into my mouth. I know this because somewhere I heard myself moan, and then whimper, when the cock was pulled back through the hole when I was only getting started. A face appeared.

"Come in my booth."

"No."

"Come over here, I want to suck you."

"I can't. Put it back."

"Come here."

"Just put it back. Please."

"You want my load?"

"Yes," I croaked.

The cock was pushed through again and I sucked it, moaning around this cock. I moaned constantly, starved for this cock, and so turned on, so hungry. I tried to get as much of his cock into my mouth as I could. The hole was big enough that I could just reach one hand through with some difficulty to take his balls in my hand and pull him towards my mouth. I could feel and smell the slightly sweaty muskiness of his balls and it forced a moan from me as I sucked him even more greedily. The smell and the taste, the feel of this hard cock in my mouth felt frighteningly natural. I'd never even touched another man's cock before and yet I couldn't imagine anything else just then.

I could taste his precum. I licked at the head for more. I knew he was going to cum soon. I sucked ravenously, and then my mouth began to fill with cum. I couldn't swallow fast enough. Cum spilled from my mouth onto my chin, onto my hands. He started to pull back slightly, sensitive, and I could see that he'd put one leg up on the bench in his booth so that he could get closer to the wall and feed me more of his cock. I felt a surge of even more arousal. A picture flashed in my head of him in his booth fucking my mouth through the hole. I swallowed him again but he pulled away and began pulling his pants up.

I stood up and my consciousness clicked in momentarily again and registered that I was licking cum from my hands. Not casually licking, hungrily, don't miss a drop hungrily. I didn't think to do this, any more than I'd thought to get on my knees and take that cock in my mouth, it's just what happened, it was what I did in the absence of thought.

I sat down on the bench, movie still playing, trying to regroup. I heard him exit, a little light and sound. Then there was another man in the booth, unbuckling his pants. "I want to suck him too. I want to suck every cock I can get." Oh god. Panic. I buckled my pants before I could drop to my knees again and I ran out of the booth, past the curtain and back out into the light again. I had cum all over the front of my shirt, I could see, and all over my face, I knew. I hurried as casually as I could manage out of the store. Out into the light of the midafternoon parking lot. I headed for my car. I noticed a guy getting into the truck parked across from me and I knew it was the man whose cock I had just sucked. The man whose cum was all over my face and my shirt. I avoided eye contact. I continued to panic and got into my car and drove away. Drove away trying to turn back the clock, trying to go back to who I was an hour ago. I brought my hand to my chin and wiped away the cum, wiped it on my shirt and only then did enough rational thinking return for me to know that, who I was an hour ago, that man was gone.

I had an overnight bag in my car for my trip. I pulled into the next rest area and did the best I could to wipe up my face with my shirt. I got a clean shirt and put it on, then went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I got back on the highway, I felt I had started to wash away "what happened to me". I say, "happened to me", of course because there was no way I could think or say, "what I'd done."

I drove on. I drove on to my destination, to my appointment, to my business, to the day the way it was supposed to go. To the man I was supposed to be. The hour, or less, off the highway seemed like it happened to someone else. Clearly I was going to put all that behind me and I wouldn't be doing any more "drive-bys", now that I knew what could happen. Surely, if I'd had any idea of what could happen before, I never would have gotten off the highway. Surely, I would have known that nothing good could ever come of that.

It was around noon the next day, I was getting ready to get on the road home, and my cellphone rang. I didn't recognize the number but it was in state, so I answered it.

"Hello John."

"Hi. Who's speaking please?"

"I'll ask the questions cocksucker."

"What?"

"You heard me, not much doubt what you are after how much you loved yesterday."

"I...I don't know what you're talking about."

A laugh, "I'm a cop. I ran your plate. I know it was you. Well, unless some other cocksucker was driving your car but there wasn't, was there John."

Deny, avoid, panic, that was what raced through my head, but what came out was, "no."

It seemed that I could see him grin. I could hear it in his voice, anyway. "That was the best cocksucking I've ever had and I'm going to get some more of that. You're going to meet me there this afternoon."

"I can't."

"You can and you will."

"I can't. I've never done anything like that before."

"I thought you were offly nervous, well don't worry, you're a born cocksucker."

Part of me felt proud. All of me felt turned on and nervous. "Okay." Someone said quickly. Who said that? Words were coming out of my mouth that were not me, at least I couldn't yet see, or think, that it was me, me leading me to me.

No, this was not me, I don't want this.

"You're coming in the booth with me this time."

"You want to suck me?"

A hearty laugh, "No", still laughing, "That isn't going to happen, I think we found your calling yesterday cocksucker."

I felt something akin to relief. Not exactly relief, just like things were set to the way they should be. What kind of man doesn't love to get his cock sucked, I thought to myself, but I felt like things had been set right, I knew, because what I wanted more than that, more than anything, was to have that cock in my mouth again.

I drove on, not really thinking about where I was going, or what lay ahead. My heart racing as before but closer to pure arousal and less panic. Something inside me was reconciling. I could admit nothing to myself but clearly I was more conscious of what I was doing and it was causing less conflict, less panic.

I pulled into the parking lot and saw right away the truck that I'd seen yesterday. He watched me pull in and park and he got out of his car and headed for the door as soon as he saw me start to get out of my car. I followed him in. I followed him into the store and I followed him through the curtain. Several men stood about and watched him walk by, watched me follow him. My stomach was in a knot. Something piqued my thought and it was the knowledge that I liked that these men saw me follow him to the booth. Something inside me liked that they knew I was going to suck his cock.

He made no secret of it. He held open the door to the booth he'd been in yesterday. "Get in," for everyone to hear. I went inside, still confused and hesitant but knowing for sure, at this point, that all these men, standing around looking for sex, watched me go into this booth to suck cock and it made me feel humiliated and slutty in a way that turned me on like I'd never been turned on before.

He closed the door and stepped close to me, stepped up so that his chest was pressed to mine. He didn't "get in my face"; he just stepped up close to me with his head to the side of mine. He spoke sort of gently, but surely, "Jesus, I can feel your heart racing. You really hadn't done this before, had you? You weren't very hard to pressure into coming here though. You wanted this, didn't you John?"

"Yes," I said nearly breathlessly.

My hands went to his belt.

He gasped slightly when he felt my hands start to unbuckle him. His gasp made me feel strange. Someone inside me registered that I turned this man on, that he wanted me to suck his cock, that maybe he was as desperate for me to suck him as I was to have him in my mouth. Something finally and completely broke loose inside me and I finally accepted what I'd felt when I'd been her before and what I'd felt walking in here. I spoke quietly in his ear as I continued to open his pants. "It felt so natural to have your cock in my mouth yesterday... Your beautiful cock...I had no idea how much I'd love sucking you...I need you in my mouth...I want you to open the door". He hesitated. I panted in his ear. I was desperate now. "I want you to open it so all these men can see you force me to my knees and make me suck your cock...I want them to see you fuck my mouth...see you feed me your gorgeous cock...see you cum all over my face...see you show them what you know I am, show me what I am, watch you turn a straight man into a cocksucker."

Now I could feel his heart beating rapidly and he leaned away and kicked his boot against the door as he pushed it open. I pushed his pants down around his hips as he propped open the door to the booth and then I felt one hand on my shoulder and the other on the top of my head. I could see movement as the men outside moved towards the open door.

"Get on your fucking knees," he groaned, as he pushed me down.

I moaned loudly as my mouth found his cock.

"Oh yeah, you like that? You like that cock in your mouth faggot?"

My stomach and chest cinched tight at that word. I didn't stop. What had been reconciled inside me resisted only for a moment before succumbing to it. I just kept sucking his cock as his hips moved, fucking my mouth. I never stopped moaning.

"Oh god, you're such a hungry little cocksucker. Jesus, you're going to make me cum you fucking bitch."

"Look at this, this fucker just found out he loves cock", he said to someone. "He can't get enough of it. You can all have him when I'm done."

Oh man, "He was straight until yesterday, until he got this in his mouth."

His hands left my shoulders and I could tell that they were on the wall above me as he leaned over me and pushed his hips forward, knocked me off of my knees and back on my haunches as I fell back against the wall of the booth. He began to fuck my mouth more forcefully as he pinned me against the wall. I surrendered willfully. He shoved his cock down my throat and drew it back out, then shoved it down again. I gagged each time and saliva ran down my chin but I never wanted him to stop. I wanted him to just keep fucking my face, to keep shoving his beautiful cock into me until it made him cum. I wanted to feel him tense, feel his orgasm overtake him; feel his cum pour out of him and into me.

His cock was impossibly hard and I didn't even know he was cumming until his cock pulled back into my mouth from my throat. My mouth filled suddenly and he kept his cock there for a moment, I felt his cock throb and more cum filled my mouth and spilled down my chin. Finally he pulled his sensitive cock from my mouth and wiped it around my face, then stepped aside.

"Give this whore some more cock."

"Yeah, line up for him."

"He wants all the cock he can get."

There were a couple of guys standing in front stroking their cocks. I couldn't see how many were behind them.

"Is this enough? Is this enough cock for you?"

"More," I whimpered.

Suddenly there was another cock in my mouth. I don't really know what happened after that, how long I was there, how many men were there. I know I sucked one after another until the next thing I remember is stumbling through the store, trying to make my way to the door and to my car. I looked blankly at the young man behind the counter as I walked in a daze. His look back at me was perhaps what caused that to be the first thing I'd been aware of in some unknown period of time. He looked at me with some combination of disgust, lust and bemusement. I suddenly became aware of myself again, after having checked out on the floor of the booth and surrendered to my need for cock.

I was turned on that he seemed disgusted by how many cocks I'd sucked.

"I'll suck you too."

He came around the corner and I got on my knees.

"Fucking pig", he grunted as he shoved his cock in my mouth.

He took the sides of my head and roughly fucked my mouth as I kneeled on the floor in the middle of the store.