How Did You Know? Ch. 02

There’s an old saying about silence. Something along the lines of “the silence was deafening,” and right now we were both in the middle of it. I swear I could hear the blood rushing through my ears, and with the exception of the birds right outside the window screaming protests at each other as they fed, no other sound was in the room.

Beth slowly bent over and placing her face in her hands, began to cry. I remained silent for awhile, then went around the counter, poured two cups of coffee and retrieved the creamer that Beth insisted on using. Two spoons of sugar, the creamer, a quick stir and I headed back to the table where she was sitting sideways, still sobbing, but a bit less than a moment before. I put the cup on the table, and she turned in her chair to face it and me at the same time. She looked up with a “what now” expression I’d never seen on her, and now I felt bad. Bad about what she’d set me up for, bad about my going along with it, and most of all, bad about not knowing what to say to make this go away.

“I feel dirty,” she said in a low voice.

I continued to stare at her, but said nothing right away. Dirty? I’m wondering why she’d say that, and came up with several possibilities, but none of them made any sense to me, and now I was doing something I hated. Trying to come up with why someone would say something when all I needed to do was ask the person who said it and quit putting my thoughts into their words. So I sat for a moment longer then asked the question.

“Why dirty?”

“Because I do, I know what I did, I know what I set out to do, and I really thought you’d never know. Now that you do, I feel like a whore… and a cheap whore at that. Ya know?”

“No, I really don’t. I don’t know what got this going. I know what happened, I was there, but I guess I’d like a few things explained to me if you don’t mind.”

“Like what? Jesus Christ dad, I fucked you, what else is there to say?”

“Go back to the beginning Beth. Was it the talk around the table that night you girls went out, and it got out of hand? Is that what really got this going?” I asked.

“There wasn’t any discussion ‘with the girls’ about you. That never happened.” She replied.

“What?” I’m a little stunned now.

“I made it up. I made all of it up dad. I have been thinking about this since last August. Remember that day by the pool when you fell asleep and got a little sunburned?” She’s looking at me now.

“Yeah, I guess. We’d had a few beers, the sun warmed me and I fell asleep in the chaise, so what did that do?” I asked.

“I came into the house for a shower and got dressed, then decided to do the dishes. When I got them done, I came back out and you were sleeping. Well, most of you were sleeping, but your dick wasn’t. I was stunned I suppose, you had a hard on that was difficult not to notice. I stood there staring at you and came back in the house to let you sleep. Then I turned on the TV and sat there, I couldn’t concentrate, all I could think about was you. I actually got wet thinking about it.”

Beth paused and glanced at me quickly. I said nothing and her head went back down as she picked up the spoon and idly stirred her coffee.

“And…?” I urged.

“Well over the next couple of months I thought about it. God dad, I masturbated about it. Like I told you it’s a dating bitch out there. I finally got to the point where I wanted to, and then over the next couple of months, I put the story together. I knew how you’d feel about it, geez, you and mom raised me, and I know how you think, I certainly know your moral values. But I couldn’t let it go. I guess it became an obsession with me, so Christmas night the wine gave me enough courage to bring it up, and the next day when I finally got you to talk about it, it came together. Did you notice anything when we talked?” She asked.

“No, I spent most of my time looking at the table I guess.” I said as I remembered the discussion.

“I was a nervous wreck dad.” Beth said. “I actually masturbated two times that day to calm my nerves.”

“What?” I asked.

“Back in your bedroom’s bathroom. I did it twice. I got so worked up thinking about you and me I couldn’t help myself, and I’m sure that reinforced my determination to go through with it.”

Another pause in the conversation, both of us lost in our thoughts.

“Let me ask you something,” Beth began. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to go with a guy and you know all he wants to do is fuck you and worry about the ‘after’, when he’s gotten what he set out to get?”

I shook my head.

“It sucks! You go out, maybe dancing or to a movie, maybe even have dinner, and then you go to his place, or he comes to yours and the romance starts. You fiddle around, and finally end up going to bed. The getting undressed isn’t too bad, in fact sometimes that can be a fun thing, but the reality is that just as you’re about to really get down to business he has to stop, unwrap a condom, fumble to get it on, and then go on with what you were doing. If that wasn’t enough to break the mood, then you start to wonder if he got it on tight, but not too tight. Is it going to hold; did I take my pill this morning? I mean shit dad, you’re so busy worrying about that damn condom you forget what you’re in there for in the first place. Now there are two things about a condom, it’s safe mostly, but it’s a royal pain in the ass to deal with. I hate the feeling of one sliding in and out of me, and even while it’s doing that I wonder if it’s going to do its job. I hate the whole concept. I mean, I really hate it.”

“Then the bad part happens,” she continued. “He’s gotten what he wanted, and he is desperate to get the hell away from you. No cuddling, which I love, no more kisses, and most of the time the guy will get up, go to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and more often than not he doesn’t even come back to bed. He starts getting dressed if it’s you place, or puts on a robe and sits on the bed if it’s his, but the message is pretty clear. Time to go and oh yeah, thanks a lot. That’s the part Tiff got dead on the money, and the other two of us that are single agreed wholeheartedly” She paused, sipped her coffee and as she put the cup down, began to talk again.

“So I’m thinking after seeing you that day, why not? Why shouldn’t I get laid from someone I know is clean, who won’t wear a condom, and who needs to get laid as badly as I do? Who could I trust in this world more than you?” She finished and again picked up her cup.

She’s looking at me now with a questioning look on her face, and I’m still lost for words. What do you say? What could I possibly say that would reassure her? I’m afraid if I said anything at this point it would be taken out of context at the worst, and be way off the mark at its best.

“What about the other girls, they really don’t know anything about this?” I hated to go back to that subject, but I was very concerned about their knowledge of what had happened last night.

“Like I said, Tiff brought it up and we all talked about it, but the thing where Nancy asked about you, that was another time and she and I were alone. No one else heard that part.” Beth said unthinkingly.

“So it was Nancy that would, how did you say? Oh yeah, that she’d ‘do it in a heartbeat’

Beth suddenly looked at me shocked. She realized that during the original conversation she wouldn’t reveal who’d said that.

“You see Beth, the best plans have flaws, the best secrets never keep, and you just proved that. Nancy did say that, and I’m a bit tickled she did, it’s good for the ego. But what you have to remember is that one little tiny slip of the tongue and it’s all over, everybody knows, and then no one’s safe. Do you see what I mean?” I asked.

“Not at all.” Beth said and unzipped her jacket to slip it off. As she pulled her arms out and then put the jacket on the back of her chair her breasts pushed fully to her sweater and through the thin material I could clearly see her braless breasts, nipples on, but no rings. I got instantly cautious and hard, neither one better than the other. I’d tugged those last night, kissed them, pulled them until her body engine revved past the red line, and right now they’re beaconing me back to their mysteries I dropped my eyes.

“Let’s not talk about the moral implications of what we did last night. What happened has happened, and we can’t undo it. The morality of what we did is something I’m not talking about right now. My question is; now what? What happens now? Do we walk away and forget it, ‘cause I’m here to tell you that’s probably not possible for either of us. You say you’ve dreamt of this for months and with it just happening last night, can you forget it and walk away? Just what did you have in mind?”

Beth looked at me, picked up her cup, but finding it empty now, set it back down.

“Honestly?” she asked.

“Yes, as honest as you’ve been so far. What did you think was going happen after last night?”

“I guess I figured we’d keep doing it in the dark with the blind fold. I never thought you’d find out. Certainly not the first time.” Beth answered quietly.

“What if I hadn’t found out? What if one day I saw Nancy and started to talk about things and spoke in hints and innuendos, do you think she’d have a clue? At some point don’t you think she’d put two and two together?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think about that. God dad, you know how it is, you get so focused on something, you don’t think about consequences, you sure as hell don’t think clearly, that’s for sure. Matter of fact, until you held up that necklace, I didn’t even know I’d lost it.”

“And what about today, what did you think was going to happen today? Did you think that we were going to talk about last night? Did you think I’d sit here and tell you what went on last night in the dark with the blindfold and a stranger?” I asked.

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.” Beth stammered.

“What were you expecting today Beth?” I asked.

“I just thought I’d ask if you had a nice time, and would you want to do it again.” She replied.

“Okay, now here’s something you need to know. Prior to my getting out of bed and stepping on this sharp little jewel, (I held up her necklace), I didn’t know it was you. I thought it was Nancy.”

“And what were you thinking?” Beth inquired.

“I was thinking a hundred things, but mostly, what a nice body she had, what an amazing taste she possessed, but most of all how incredible sex with that woman was.”

“So you liked it?” she asked.

“Yes, at the time, at the very moment I was deep in you, I loved it. The down side is now I know it was you, and that takes away how I felt at the moment.”

Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she looked away from me.

“You hate me don’t you?” She was looking at me now.

“No honey, I don’t hate you. I don’t like what you did, I won’t lie about that. I’m your father for God’s sake. I’m just trying to get my head around this whole thing. Don’t you get it Beth? I’m sitting here hating myself for what I did, and loving everything about what we did when we did it.”

Beth smiled at that and then did something I never expected. Not now, not in a million years, and I wasn’t ready in any way, shape, or form. She stood up, and in one smooth move, pulled her sweater over her head, walked over; hugged me to her breasts, then kissed the top of my head.

“I love you dad, I really do,” she said as she continued to hold me. “Whatever happens now is fine with me. If you want me now fine, if you’d rather not, that’s fine, I got more last night than I deserved, and what I got will last a long time. But I want to take a shower, now. I really need to go take a long hot shower.” She finished, dropped her arms, and walked down the hall. I looked after her and my eyes dropped to her ass, watching as it moved, loving the symmetry of it, and hating myself for having the thought.

Oh my God, I’ve had my dick in that, and while it was amazing to say the least, the reality of who owned it stunned me. So there I sat, numbed by what we’d done, and stunned by the realization that right now, at this very moment, I could go back there with her and do it again. That thought tripped me over the edge. I got up, walked out of the house, got into my truck and left.

Ten minutes later I’m in a bar, sipping whiskey and wondering what the hell I’m going to do. John walked past behind the bar and said, “Jeez Phil, you in a hurry or what?” as he noticed my glass was empty already.

“I guess I am, give me another would you bud?”

Now I have a keen sense of time. I go to sleep and most of the time I wake up just before the alarm goes off. I don’t know why I even set it, but I do; just in case I suppose. But today for some reason, I’m oblivious to it. I not only don’t know what time it was, I don’t give a shit. So when Beth suddenly appeared at my right elbow, I have no clue how long I’d been sitting there. Matter of fact, I don’t know how many whiskey’s I’d downed, but I do know the old glow had kicked in and I was not by any stretch of the imagination, sober.

“You okay?” Beth asked.

“I dunno,” I replied, as I threw the glass up to my lips and the contents down my throat.

“I’ve really screwed up haven’t I?” Beth inquired.

“Well honey, we’ve screwed, that’s for sure. What I’m making of that is hard to say, but I love you, no matter what; I love you.”

“I just don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know that I can ever look at you the way I have your whole life. We’ve both changed and I don’t know if I like the difference, if that makes any sense.”

“Dad, I’m sorry, I don’t know what else I can say. I don’t say that because I know that’s what you want to hear, I say that because I really am. I’ve hurt you and I hate that, above all else I hate that one thing.” Beth was leaning on my shoulder now. My little girl; my little princess actually, and for the first time in my life I realized she was a woman in trouble. That almost sobered me up.

“What did you think I’d do when you went into the shower?” I asked her.

“I thought two things. One, you’d join me, which I kind of doubted, or two, you’d still be sitting in the kitchen when I came back to retrieve my sweater. You being gone never crossed my mind.” She said honestly.

“I am so fucked right now.” I said.

“I’m sorry dad, I shouldn’t have done what I did.” she said.

“No, I’m not talking about you and I, I’m talking about me. I haven’t eaten; I’ve slammed a few whiskeys, and I’m getting blurry. I don’t know why, but it seemed to be the right thing to do. Get to the place where nobody can piss you off, ya know? Same place I went when mom died. Shit Beth, I am so lost here. I don’t know what comes next. You calling today, me happy as a lark for a split second, and then reality hits as I see your necklace on the floor. Jesus, I am so torn with emotions, I can’t begin to tell you.”

Beth hung her head, and then looked up at me, tears filling her eyes. John walks by and after noticing my empty glass, asks if I want another. I shake my head yes and he puts it in front of me.

“Dad, don’t go there again. You did that when mom died, and I hated it. If you get lost in the bottle again because of me, I’ll die.

“I’m not getting lost; I’m just trying to find myself. I’ve betrayed everything I ever believed in. Good Lord Beth, even if it wasn’t you last night I failed. I was willing to have sex; sex with anyone, married, single, it didn’t matter. So what if it would have been Nancy and not you. I’d still be struggling with morals. She’s married for Christ’s sake, and until I found your necklace I really thought it was her, and while I liked the illusion, I hated the reality.”

“So what do we do now dad?” Beth asked.

“I don’t know baby, I need time to think about this. Like I said, when I woke up this morning I was struggling with my conscience because I thought it was Nancy. She’s married, and I’m laying there for a minute after you called and having guilt like I’ve never known on one hand, and on the other I’m glad it happened because it was great sex. I wanted so badly for her, well actually you, to lie there afterwards and hold me while I held her, I mean you.” I paused for a moment.

“Remember what I told you about the holding, the cuddling?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said.

“After we made love last night, that’s what I wanted, more than anything, I just wanted to be held. But you had to go, and under the circumstances I let you. I hated it, but I understood. I laid back and for an instance had a flash of guilt, then an even bigger flash of loneliness, and I passed out. That’s how it was until I stepped out of bed. I was happy for what had happened with a woman, but conflicted about who that woman was. Then I stepped on your necklace and my world collapsed.”

“Why?” Beth was looking at me intently.

“Because in reality I loved what had happened, and struggling with whom it was that it happened with. How do you deal with that kind of conflict, hell I don’t know, I’ve never been here before, and I don’t recognize anything that makes any sense.” I said.

“You know the weird part of last night?” I asked.

“No.” Beth replied.

“You told me before I agreed to do this about what Tiffany had said about the afterwards of sex with someone when you’re single. Then this morning you repeat that from your perspective, you know, the bit about condoms, breaking the mood, and then the guy breaking his neck to get away from you afterward. What I find so weird is after we were done last night, you blew outta there like you were on fire. Why would you do something that you yourself said you hated when men did it?” I’m staring at her as I finish.

“Truth?” She asked.

“That would be nice.” I replied.

“I wanted to so badly, but I just knew if I did you’d figure out who was with you. When you offered me the whiskey and I spoke it, scared me, and then when you spoke about my tattoo I was afraid once more. I guess my biggest fear of all was that we’d fall asleep and wake up in the morning and then it would get messy.”

“Honey, it got messy anyway.” I said softly. “Oh, and by the way, when the hell did you get a tattoo and nipple rings?” I’m curious now.

“The tattoo was about a year and a half ago. The rings a month or so after that. Why?” She asks.

“Because as I was lying there last night I went back to last summer and those thin bikini’s you all wore, I never saw rings on any of you gals. Trust me I was looking pretty close too. So when I found them last night I was kind of shocked.” I finished.

“We’d take them out when we’d swim at your place because they are pretty obvious.” Beth said.

“We?” I said, “More of you have them than just you?”

“We all do dad,” Beth said with a half smile. “We all got them together one night when we were out.” Then shrugged her shoulders.

Now of all the things that could have happened at this very moment, what happened next caught me off guard again. This was a private moment, an epiphany between the two of us. Private; no intruders type of moment, and guess what… somebody didn’t read the script because at that very moment, when we needed to be alone the most, a hand drops onto my shoulder and this little voice says, “Hey guys, ‘wasss up?”

I turn around to the voice and who’s standing there but Becky. Holy shit, this is not at all what Beth or I needed, but it was reality, and she was standing there. What do you do?

“Hey Beck, what ‘cha doin’?” I ask, a little slurred at best, and totally fucked at worst.

“Jesus Phil, you doin’ alright?” she asks, concern in her voice, and her eyes agree with the worry.

Trying in some way to regain my dignity; I nod. Now there’s a piece of fabric I hadn’t had on for a bit. Humility; and I’m no good at it. I’m in control of myself, I’m in control of my life, well I had been except for two things; my wife’s death, and what happened last night. Those two things I could deal with, well the first one, I’m still contemplating the second, but what do you do? I look at this beauty standing next to me and wonder if her ass is as tight as the one I was in last night. Then think I really am losing it. God Polly and I raised this girl for over a year when she had trouble in her life and now I’m sitting here thinking about her butt? Get real I tell myself.