How Men Can Have A Happy Christmas

Step by step instructions on how men can finally have a happy Christmas

This story is for men. If you do not have a penis, be forewarned that this story is not for you. This story is about men and for men. Men only. Unless you are a Tomboy with tits bigger than your IQ and know not only how many quarters (hint) there are in a football game but also how many minutes in a quarter, and actually enjoy watching football, women are not allowed to read this story. Sorry, but this is our story, a real man's story, a manly man and a macho man's story.

"Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men..."

Since all you women have your holiday chick flicks ready to watch, we men need and must have one lousy story for one day of the year, Christmas, and this is it. Okay? After all, we are men...men, men, men, men.

You will notice that I didn't write How To Have A Merry Christmas or How Men Can Have A Merry Christmas but, instead, I wrote How Men Can Have A Happy Christmas. Ergo the key word here is happy and not merry. Trust me. There's a big difference between being merry and being happy. Don't believe me? Just ask Robin Hood and his band of merry men the difference between being merry and being happy and, if they were still alive and living in Sherwood Forest, you'd make them cry because they were all so frigging miserable living in a forest, instead of living in their own houses.

Women and families traditionally have a merry Christmas, while men traditionally have a miserable Christmas. Oh, c'mon, ladies. Don't believe me? Without bribing him with food, or promising him sex, or trying to make him feel guilty, ask your man, in all honesty, if he had a merry or a miserable Christmas last year. Certainly, he didn't have a happy Christmas. That's for sure.

Go ahead and ask him. I'll wait. See? I told you so. Now, ask him what it would take for him to have a happy Christmas this year and don't be surprised if he asks you to read this story.

"Yeah! Duh? It turns out that I know your man better than you do."

This story details how men can have a happy Christmas, finally. Sad but true, there is one most important ingredient necessary for a man to have a happy Christmas and without it, it is impossible for a man to have a happy Christmas. Of course, I'm writing about the man cave. Every man needs to have a man cave to have a happy Christmas.

It's impossible for a man to have a happy Christmas without being able to hide in his man cave during the holiday. It's impossible for a man to have a happy Christmas sitting upstairs in the living room surrounded by your family. Seriously, most men don't even like their own families. What makes you think he likes your family? Trust me. He doesn't and he never did.

"Get real."

Sorry, but it's about time you knew the truth. Your man never liked your family. He hates your loud mouth and obnoxious brother, despises your fat, slutty sister, and dreams of putting a plastic bag over your interfering mother's head. The only member of your family that he remotely likes is your Dad because he pretends to fall asleep at family gatherings. How could he not like your Dad? He's such a poor, pitiful bastard being married to your shrew of a mother. Is it any wonder why he pretends to fall asleep just to get some peace and quiet?

For those men who don't know what a man cave is and for those men who don't have a man cave, let's begin this how to story by describing what exactly a man cave is. Of course, you'll need to know why you must have a man cave to have a happy Christmas. This story will also tell you what you need to create your man cave.

Typically, a man cave is a place away from the main house, where a man can go for some peace, privacy, and alone time. Sometimes, all men require a place away from their wife, girlfriend, and/or significant other. It could be the basement, the attic, the garage, or a room in the back of the house, such as a reconverted back porch. My man cave is in the basement, which I had soundproofed. Trust me. My wife and family doesn't want to hear me screaming at the television at a botched play, cheering after a touchdown pass, masturbating over cheerleaders, or crying when they lose the game. In fairness, just as much as they don't want to hear me, I don't want to hear the hens upstairs talking about fashion, cooking, shoes, children, the soap operas they watch, and books they've read either.

Your man cave must have a lock on the door that only you have the key. In case of an emergency, it is acceptable to give a copy of your man cave key (try saying that fast three times, man cave key) to a friend, but never, under any circumstances, can you give your man cave key to your wife, your girlfriend, and/or your significant other. That's a man cave violation because, as soon as you leave the house, they will be in there snooping. By giving them the key to your man cave, your private domain, you will have no more secrets. Your man cave will no longer be a man cave, but a family cave, and a place where your wife will entertain her friends.

"You have Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan posters on your man cave walls? You even have pictures of them getting out of cars without panties. Eww. That's so perverted. What is wrong with you? They're young enough to be your daughters. Shame on you."

See what I mean? Save yourself the trouble and the embarrassment and do not give our your man cave key to the woman in your life. Whatever it is your woman finds in your man cave will surely be used against you in a court of law at the divorce proceedings.

"Your honor, he had naked, spy photos of my mother getting out of the shower pasted all over his man cave wall."

So, what's in a man cave? Big screen TV is an absolute necessity, along with a comfortable reclining chair for relaxing and napping. Check. Also a comfortable computer chair for Internet porn site surfing, especially if you have a bad back. I recommend the Herman Miller Aeron with the lumbar support feature. It's expensive but worth it. I have one and love it. I can sit comfortably in that chair for 12 hours a day.

What else must you have in a man cave? Let's see. A collection of porn DVDs and porn magazines, of course, along with a separate computer with a different IP address from your home computer is a priority, so that you can surf the Internet for porn in privacy. Of course, the requisite pool table, along with your favorite pinball machine are favorite items to have in a man cave, as well as a workout bench, weights, or Bowflex, something to make the chicks think that you have a buff, hard body under those bulky, oversized sweats.

"He just looks fat from the outside," says your wife about you behind your back. "But if you saw him naked in a darkened bedroom, while drunk and disorientated, you'd think he was someone else, a hunk."

For convenience sake, if nothing else, so you're not having to go back and forth in the house and answer questions and/or be asked to do a household chore, you'll need a small refrigerator for beer, a bar to serve your drinks, and a cabinet to store snacks. You don't want critters and pest getting in your junk food supply. A telephone is necessary to call for pizza, buffalo wings, or Chinese food delivery, a cell phone is acceptable. A bathroom is a must have in a man cave. Trust me, you don't want to leave your man cave unattended to go through the house just to pee. If your woman sees you locking and unlocking your man cave door every time you go in the house to pee, she's going to think you're hiding something.

"Hello police? I think my husband is either a terrorist ala the Unabomber or a serial killer ala Dexter."

The walls of your man cave are yours to decorate or not decorate. Decorating is a personal decision. A step above my ancestors on the evolution scale, whereas they decorated their man cave wall with drawings of extinct dinosaurs, I decorated my walls with automobile memorabilia and my shelves with die cast cars. I love cars. Including the ceiling, car posters grace every wall, except for the most sacred of walls, the big screen TV wall.

Yeah. That wall, but for the TV is blank and is reserved for the big screen TV, of course. That wall doesn't come alive until I feel the energy from the uninterrupted channel surfing power of that remote control that surges in my hand and pulsates my index finger, baby, enough to push the power on button for...

"Blast off! HD 3D TV. Wow!"

One of the questions I'm commonly asked is how big should the big screen TV be?

"Huh? Are you kidding me? Duh!"

If you have to ask, you may not be ready to have a man cave. Too many men make the mistake that the television must fit the scale of the room. The scale of the room? Are you kidding me? What scale? Scale my ass. Hey, we're not talking die cast cars here. We're talking about a big screen TV in a man cave. Who says a TV must fit the scale of the room? Where is that written?

Hey, this isn't your living room and you're not an interior designer looking to blend, coordinate, and accessorize. We're not hiding this big screen TV behind a Chinese silk print or behind a teeny tiny TV cabinet door because we don't care if we overwhelm the room with our big screen TV. Matter of fact, we want to overwhelm the room. When it comes to big screen TV's, bigger is always better. The purpose of having a man cave is to have that giant TV, so that, when someone enters your man cave, the first thing they notice is the size of your penis, or lack thereof, by the size of your big screen TV.

"Wow! That's the biggest TV I've ever seen, bigger than the jumbotron they have at the arena."

"Yeah, baby! I really do have a big one, don't I?"

In case you need to see your television screen from space through your skylight or basement window, you want your TV to stand out as if it's sitting on an altar and a beam from Heaven is shining down upon it. This is your cave, your man cave. The rule of thumb is to buy the TV to fit your wall, literally. If you have a ten foot by ten foot man cave space but have a 100 inch wall, it's all good.

"Perfect."

Go for the 100" high definition TV. Sit back in your chair and feel the experience, especially if you installed surround sound. Let the sound blow back your hair, if you have any hair or let it blow off your baseball cap.

"Beautiful."

With a set that big, especially if it's the new 3D television, you'll feel, as if your there at the stadium.

Another question that is commonly asked is how much beer should I buy for my man cave? That's a question that can only be answered with another question. How much beer can you afford to buy?

"Okay, back the truck up and unload the beer. Put the cases on one side and the kegs on the other. What doesn't fit in the garage, you can stack around the outside perimeter. I'll bring it down the basement later."

The last rule to have a happy Christmas is no relatives. Oh, yeah, trust me, once they know you have the man cave, they'll come bearing gifts. They'll come disguised as your brother, your father, your uncle, your grandfather, even your son, but stick to your rule of no relatives allowed for just this one most sacred man cave day, Christmas.

"Dad? Mom said to tell you we're opening the presents."

"Go away! I'll open presents tomorrow."

Only those invited can enter your man cave.

"You're ruining Christmas for the kids. Get out of your man cave now."

"Sorry. This is my day. This is my happy Christmas Day. Besides, the kids are 30-years-old."

For all those male relatives trying to get into your man cave on Christmas day, shouldn't they be home in their man cave having a happy Christmas, too?

Trust me, relatives, even male relatives, will ruin your happy Christmas. Hey, you can have relatives over any other day of the year, but if you want to have a happy Christmas, stick with the no relative rule. You'll thank me later.

Why? Nitwit relatives will only argue over something stupid, whether it's over the game or something you did as a kid. It never fails. Besides, they'll drink your beer, eat your food, and fart in your chairs. Is that how you hope to have a Happy Christmas? I didn't think so.

Let's do a recap of all that you'll need for your man cave.

1. Big Screen TV

2. A comfortable reclining chair

3. A comfortable computer chair

4. Porn DVDs and porn magazines

5. A computer with a different IP address

6. Pool table and pinball machine

7. Work out equipment that you must dust daily to pretend you use them

8. A small refrigerator

9. Beer

10. A bar

11. A snack cabinet.

12. A telephone or cell phone

13. A bathroom

14. Decorating the walls to your taste

15. A door with a lock

I'm glad that I could help you finally have the happy Christmas you always been wanting to have.