How to Be a Damsel-In-Distress

Secondly, the Flat Tyre scenario has a serious drawback in that it is much more difficult to reject an unwanted saviour. However, in the plus column, if the knight-in-shining-armour is desirable there is much more time to engage in witty, flirtatious conversation before the rescue is completed.

So, for the Flat Tyre scenario simply drive to the shopping mall and let the air out of one of your tyres. Then get your jack and your tyre iron and stand looking hopeless with the tyre iron in your hand. Try holding it the wrong way (yes, I know that you are well aware of how to change a wheel on your car, but we are creating an illusion here). Before long a handsome knight will leap to your assistance, fitting the spare wheel to your car and asking you out for a drink as he does so. Mission accomplished.

The Flat Tyre scenario also has a further, important, advantage. It allows the knight to display his practical competence which is something that almost every man likes to do. So he is flattering you, but you are flattering him. What better way for a relationship to begin, and a lovely story to tell the kids.

NB. For poorer Damsels who can't afford to run a car this scenario can work equally well with a bicycle.

*So, ok, we need to talk about money. Look, the modern world doesn't really allow one party in a couple to sit at home being supported by the other. Unless the working party is very rich. Be aware that if you want your knight to be wealthy, well, so do many other Damsels. The competition is fierce. Anyway, modern couples are partnerships, with both people contributing. Do you want to support an unemployed knight? Thought not. And be aware that most modern knights aren't that keen to support an unemployed Damsel. This is progress.

Part Three: The Play

You have decided on your chosen scenario. You have dressed to impress. You have the necessary props and you are at the correct location. But how should the scenario play out?

The Glance

The Glance is essential and must convey many things; a touch of vulnerability, a request for assistance from the gallant target and a suggestion of gratitude. For the Glance to work the Damsel-in-Distress must do her homework. First, practice in the mirror. Try it out on a platonic male friend. If you have to slap his hands away it has worked.

Then there is timing. You only get one chance for The Glance to work, and you have to ensure eye contact. So, peruse the potential knights and when the one you want (hopefully) looks in your direction, flash The Glance. Unless he is gay he will react and the rescue will be in progress.

The Flirt

As the rescue unfolds the Flirt will let your knight know that this isn't just a chance piece of chivalry but an introduction to a whirlwind of romance and squelching noises. Now, I am not going to insult your intelligence by presuming to tell you how to flirt. You are a woman and know this very well. Would I try to teach my grandmother to suck eggs? No. So, moving on...

Gratitude

This is actually the single most important factor in the scenario. You should display your gratitude early on. Leaving it to the final moment and tossing in a 'yeah, thanks' will merely insult your knight. After all, he didn't have to stop and give you his assistance, did he?* Even worse is when a woman breezes through e.g. a door being held open for them without even a word of thanks. This qualifies as rudeness, plain and simple. In such a situation the Damsel may be dismayed to find the knight not caring to ask for her phone number. All her work has been for naught simply because she has taken the knight for granted.

So, without laying it on too thick, show that you are grateful to the big, strong man who has stopped to carry your bag, or show you how to get somewhere, or put the spare wheel on your car. The knight will respond, playing down his actions. Do not accept his self-effacing comments at face value. Continue to be grateful. He will be flattered that you appreciate his actions. He will ask for your phone number. You will have succeeded.

*Some women of my acquaintance would say 'yes, he should' but these women will never truly understand the Damsel-in-Distress strategy. If I am forced to do a woman's bidding I will rebel, as will most right thinking men. You don't like being told what to do, so why do you think men would be any different?

Seizing the Initiative

It may be that you have played the Damsel-in-Distress strategy perfectly and yet you come to the end without the knight-in-shining-armour asking for your phone number. There can be a number of reasons for this; he could have a significant other, at which point you should give up and seek another target. Or he could be either a little hard of thinking or a little shy. Some Damsels will write him off at this point but the persistent Damsel may secure a most worthy knight by the simple expedient of offering to buy him a coffee rather than waiting for him to do so. And he will be flattered by the attention (see Introduction).

In the 19th Century such behaviour would have labelled the Damsel a trollop of the worst kind. Happily we have moved on and there is nothing to hold you back. Really. So if you get to the end of the play you have initiated and you are still interested in the particular knight who is rescuing you but there is no invitation or attempt to exchange phone numbers, seize the initiative. What have you got to lose?

Conclusion

This short piece has introduced some very simple concepts and I wouldn't want to suggest for a second that more complicated strategies cannot be evolved. But we have seen the basic building blocks and I guarantee that they will work most of the time with most men, provided that the Damsel is realistic in her target acquisition.

Don't be afraid to develop these ideas, moulding them to your own uses. However, please be aware of one thing; most men admire simplicity and seek it in all things. This is not to say that simplicity=stupidity; more that the simple sleek lines of a basic idea suggest purity. Hold on to that thought as you progress through the world, one man carrying your bag, another pointing out when to turn left or right, and the third carrying his toolbox in case you need something mechanical done. And all the while you smile to yourself; you know how to do all these things, but isn't it more fun to have someone else do them for you?