How to Have an Affair

This book is dedicated to Mary, Joan, Sally, Elaine, Daisy, Jane A., Angela, Kim, Nina, Ann, Jadwiga, Stella, Kate, Dianna, Sarah, Susan, Leah, Jane P. and the others.

INTRODUCTION:

According to a recent report, more than fifty percent of adults in England take part in one or more affairs while already in a steady relationship.

What is classified as an affair?

An affair normally involves three people; two who are in a permanent relationship, and a third party. One of the three usually doesn't know anything about it. Sometimes one partner knows that the other is having affairs, and either turns a blind eye to it or, very occasionally, actively encourages it.

Some men and some women have multiple affairs, but those are the sort of people who will not benefit from the advice in this book, although they may be able to contribute new material for How to Successfully Have An Affair - Vol 2.

Affairs can become very complicated when both the people involved in the affair have partners. Suddenly the risks of being found out are more than doubled. The risks still exist after the affair has finished as retribution or revenge can rear its ugly head months or even years later.

Many people who have affairs get caught. The idea of this book is to help those who embark on affairs not to get caught. If you are caught, the consequences can be disastrous, and sometimes even lethal. The Fatal Attraction scenario does exist, and if you do get found out you will be very lucky to survive the fall-out unscathed.

This book should be seen as an honest survival guide, rather like published information on the use of illegal drugs. The author doesn't recommend that you should embark on an affair, but if you are going to anyway, then it is best to take some sensible precautions.

The research for this book consisted of placing advertisements in newspapers and magazines. The advertisement requested information from people who had had an affair, or who were currently involved in an affair. Hundreds of stories were received, and many of them have been included in this book. Some people were willing to give direct recorded interviews, and the best of these are also included in this book.

All the names and places have been changed to protect the guilty.

CHAPTER 1: WHY?

Affairs can be divided into two main categories. A relationship that involves sex, and surprisingly, one that doesn't. Many men and women in established relationships have secret liaisons with members of the opposite gender, but without sex. Is this really an affair? Well, although sex doesn't take place, the consequences of being found out will probably be the same.

There are many documented accounts of one partner finding out that their partner was seeing someone else, in a non-sexual relationship. The "affair" was purely platonic. They were just going out to dinner or to the theatre together. They even went away for the odd weekend (booking separate hotel rooms). The repercussions were the same as if they were sleeping together. It's perhaps renowned as the biggest known lie - "We didn't do anything." Oh yes... who's going to believe that? You might as well have gone the whole way.

The sexual affair is far more common. But why do people who are settled in steady relationships go out looking for more? It could be that there has to be a lot of compromise between two persons living together. In an affair there are not the same restrictions. But if the affair ends up with the couple living together, then once again compromises have to be worked out, and the same old problems might resurface.

Couples feel secure with their lot, and they don't want to lose everything, (financial security, steady comfortable relationship, home, pets, children etc.) unless they are absolutely sure that the new relationship will work out. It's rather like test driving a new car, you are not obliged to lose your old one until you have made your mind up.

Another reason for an affair is boredom. When two people live in a settled relationship for a period of time, life becomes very predictable. Couples leave notes reminding each other that the rubbish should be put out for the refuse collectors. The sex drive diminishes very quickly once a couple start living together. And with the high pressure lifestyles of today, sex becomes something more like a duty which is only performed when both partners are not too tired. " Something for the weekend, sir?"

An affair reawakens the sexual drive. It increases the sexual drive so much that an indication that your partner is having an affair is when your partner wants sex more often. It's all a matter of wanting excitement. When couples first start to court each other, they both spend a lot of time and effort on the preparation of their appearance. They will make sure that they are freshly showered, hair washed, and will think carefully about which clothes to wear. This preening can take a couple of hours every day. But when this couple start living together, it all changes. The frequency of bathing diminishes, and any old clothes will do.

LISA:

I've seen so many of my friends enter in a relationship which has ended soon after they start living together. After a few months, both feel that they no longer have to make an effort, and you see them out together in old paint splattered jeans, and a T-shirt. I feel that when they see someone who still dresses very smartly, they find this person very attractive, and an affair ensues. You should always make sure that you make a continual effort to keep clean, and dress smartly for your partner, if you don't want to lose them.

In a normal relationship where both partners are no longer making an effort with their appearance, you should be suspicious if your partner suddenly reverts to their previous ways, and you find them bathing more regularly, and dressing with more thought before they go out. This could be an indication that they are having an affair.

Having an affair boosts self esteem, and spices up a boring life. It makes you feel more of a man or more of a woman. It's a great feeling to know that you are loved by one person. It feels twice as good to know that you are loved by two or more people.

Sometimes the sexual relationship between partners comes to a complete halt. But it is unusual for both partners to loose their sex drive simultaneously. That leaves one person with a very active sexual need. An affair can result as the sexually active partner searches for sexual satisfaction. The affair is based totally on sexual need.

LUKE:

My wife and me got married when we were eighteen, and we decided to have children early, so we could enjoy being with them while we were still young.

After a few years my wife lost all interest in sex. We still loved each other and were best friends. I went elsewhere to satisfy my sexual needs. I had a few inconsequential affairs, and then I met a woman who I fell head over heels in love with. The sex was brilliant, and she was a very warm-hearted and kind woman. I had to make a decision on whether to leave my wife for her. But when it came to the crunch, I couldn't leave my best friend - my wife. So I finished the affair because although there was no sex between my wife and me, I still wanted to stay with her.

Sometimes an affair is accepted by both partners, as a necessary evil, just to allow one partner to satisfy their sexual urges.

NANCY:

After Steve and I got married, I found that I couldn't stand having sex. I was a virgin until my wedding night. I find the whole sexual act utterly repulsive. This obviously caused some pretty major arguments between Steve and me. Steve eventually persuaded me to go and see the doctor. It was so embarrassing, but the doctor acted as though he heard this same story every day and he referred us to a sex therapist. After two years of therapy I gave up, nothing could change my mind. I realised that I would lose Steve unless his needs were satisfied, so we made an agreement.

Steve could go and have as many affairs as he wanted, as long as he never told me about them, and as long as he always came back to me. We have been very happily married for twenty years now, and I presume that he has had affairs, but he has never told me about them.

When a partner is fed up with their normal relationship, and wants to finish it, this can often be the catalyst for an affair. They don't want to simply break the normal relationship as, through experience, the aftermath is always problematic and depressing. It's easier to finish one relationship if you have a new partner to help you through it. This applies particularly to men, who need to know that there will be someone to cook, wash and clean for them. Home comforts are hard to relinquish.

Opportunities for affairs are greater now than they have ever been, with both people in a relationship working and meeting new people outside their social circle. Having an affair used to be almost expected of men, but now more women seem to be embarking on affairs.

Sexual images are ever present in today's society, on television, in films, in magazines and in advertising. It is hardly surprising that people think about sex as much as they do.

CHAPTER 2: WHO?

Most affairs take place between people whom their partners already know. It could be a neighbour, or someone in your social circle. Many people have affairs with colleagues at work. Quite often the affair is with your partner's best friend. This type of affair is fraught with guilt and anguish, as if you are ever found out, your partner feels twice the hurt. Not only have you been unfaithful to your partner and destroyed their trust, but so has their best friend.

As Bernard's experiences illustrate, it can become rather complicated, and rather nasty if your affair is with a friend's partner, once the cat is out of the bag.

BERNARD:

Although I was married, I was having an affair with Sarah, who was my best friend Bob's girlfriend. I feel guilty about it now, but at the time I saw it as a kind of challenge. Bob, Sarah and I used to meet up two or three nights a week in the local pub. Sarah and me were very generous and wouldn't let Bob buy any drinks. Each time we got a round, we made sure that Bob had an extra vodka in his pint, and often kindly bought him a double whisky chaser.

After a couple of hours, the obvious happened, Bob would be reduced to a drunken wreck and would stagger off home. Sarah and I would then go to her flat, secure in the knowledge that Bob would be fast asleep in a drunken stupor at his parent's house.

We carried on like this for a couple of months, and although Bob once caught us kissing, he forgave us and put it down to us having too much to drink.

I wasn't very happy about the situation and the guilt nagged away more and more. I didn't feel guilty about being unfaithful to my wife, I felt guilty every time I met Bob. I didn't want to leave my wife for Sarah, but I pushed Sarah to break up with Bob, to salve my own guilt.

One afternoon Bob turned up at my house very distressed. He had received a letter from Sarah in that morning's post. Sarah had written to tell Bob that she no longer wanted to have a relationship with him. Bob was devastated, and as I was his best friend he needed me to console him. My wife made a pot of tea for us both, and did her best to cheer him up. My wife took me aside and suggested that I should take him out for a few drinks. So I did.

I spent a very depressing evening listening to Bob telling me how much he loved Sarah, and how he couldn't live without her. He eventually became drunk enough for me to take him home, after which I of course went round to see Sarah at her flat.

About a week later, Bob was drinking with an ex-friend of mine who held a grudge against me. My 'friend' decided that it was in everyone's best interest to tell Bob about my affair with Sarah.

The result was that a very drunk Bob turned up at Sarah's flat while I was there, and a rather nasty scene then ensued. The upshot of it all was that Sarah suggested that I should leave, and I did. Bob and Sarah got back together, and four months later they were married. Needless to say, I wasn't invited to the wedding. Bob then embarked on a (possibly justified) hate campaign against me for three years. This involved constant telephone calls at my home and at work, car tyres being slashed and eventually the complete vandalisation of my car. This is what can happen if you have an affair with your best friend's partner.

Generally it is better to have an affair with someone that your partner does not know, and is never likely to meet. So this means avoiding affairs with people who are in your social group, or who are neighbours. Having an affair with a work colleague can be very traumatic. It doesn't take long for everyone else in the workplace to find out. You are also storing up some very big problems when the relationship finishes, especially if you work together in the same department, and either you or your affair partner has a supervisory position. You can imagine the consequences.

It is important to try and avoid at all costs having an affair with the boss's secretary, unless you are planning to leave your employment in the near future.

Never get involved in a family affair, as it is the most dangerous. An affair with a brother's wife or girlfriend, or a sister's husband or boyfriend, will lead to so much trouble, that it could even be lethal.

If you want to live, then affairs with your mother's second husband, or your father's second wife should be avoided.

Keeping it in the family is definitely out.

Having an affair with someone who has children can cause all sorts of problems.

CAROLINE:

I had been seeing Robert whenever I could. He was married and so he had to make excuses to his wife to enable us to get some time together. I had my three kids from a previous disastrous marriage, and was now bringing them up by myself. Robert and I really loved each other, and after a while he left his wife and came to live with us. Although Robert was a kind and gentle man, he had never had any kids of his own, and he couldn't handle the mess, the noise, and the disruption which is caused by three young over-active boys. When we split up he told me that if I hadn't had the kids, then it would have been perfect. I don't hold that against him, it's never easy for someone to bring up someone else's kid, let alone three.

Children can also be responsible for revealing an affair, as Janis to her horror discovered.

JANIS:

My husband was away on business most of every week. My next door neighbour, Douglas, was a writer for those supermarket type magazines. He worked from home and he lived by himself. It was a very hot summer and Douglas started writing in the back garden on fine days. We used to chat over the fence.

He was a good-looking bloke and I quite fancied him. After I had got Daniel, my twelve year old son, off to school, I would change into my bikini and lie out in the garden sunbathing. I had fallen asleep when I was awakened by a hand on my thigh. I opened my eyes and just pulled Douglas down on top of me then and there. We went up to his bedroom and made love. As luck would have it Douglas just happened to be the best lover I'd ever had.

The affair became an everyday occurrence when my husband was away. I felt so good, full of zest, I wanted to shout from the rooftops, I wanted to tell the whole world. But of course I couldn't. I had to write my feelings down somehow, but I dared not keep an ordinary diary that someone might find. I decided that it would be safe to write it down on our computer. You could hide a file so it wouldn't show on the directory, and you could secure the file further by giving it a personal secret code, without which it would be impossible to access. As the affair with Douglas continued I wrote everything down, and in graphic detail. I even allowed my very secret erotic fantasies to be included. When I couldn't see Douglas, I consoled myself by reading over and over again our previous experiences together.

One day as I was packing my son's school bag with his PE kit I found some pages that he had printed from the computer. It was all there, the complete story of my affair with Douglas, and there were three copies. I removed them from his bag and wondered what on earth I could do. Daniel went off to school and I knew that sometime later he would discover that the printouts were missing. I also knew that I would have to tackle him when he got home. I went over to see Douglas and told him what had happened. He was mortified. He suggested that I tell Daniel that none of it was actually true, that I had made all up. Anyway, there was no actual physical proof, he said unconvincingly. I went home and erased the complete diary off the computer. When Daniel came home I decided to tell him the lie. He didn't seem all that bothered, but he was annoyed that I'd removed the three copies that morning, he was selling them to his school friends at a pound a time! The affair finished that day, and soon after Douglas moved away. Daniel never said anything to his Dad, I don't know why. In Daniel's end of term report his form teacher had written, "Daniel has worked very hard this term and has showed much initiative. He seems to have a great aptitude for working with computers and should be actively encouraged in this area." Mmmm... yes... I thought.

Be careful in your choice, and look outside your usual life patterns. Join a sports club, or a local theatre group, or sign up for some evening classes; things that you can do without having your usual partner around you all the time.

Men and women are always taking enormous risks while indulging in an affair. Your ideal affair partner can sometimes be found, and if you do find one the chances of being caught are minimised.

Ideally the ultimate affair partner should be a look-alike of your normal partner. The same length and colour hair is very important for two reasons. First, it negates any embarrassing questions of stray hairs found on your clothes, in the car, or even in your bed. Second, if you are noticed at a distance, or passing in a car, your affair partner could be presumed to be your normal partner.

If your affair partner has the same first name as your normal partner, that's always a help, but life isn't normally that easy. It can cause all sorts of problems if you call the wrong person the wrong name. This usually happens when you are off guard; when you are making love, or just waking up, or drifting off to sleep.

The best way to deal with this is to give your affair partner a pet name. Kitten, Tiger, Teddy Bear, Bunny are well used pet names. Then if you were to inadvertently call your usual partner by a pet name, it wouldn't matter. Better still, attach the same name to all your partners, and for ever after. This will avoid a lot of confusion, and that terrible sinking feeling when you realise you've called your partner the wrong name.

PAUL:

I use the pet name Fluffy for my wife, and she calls me Fluffy as well. With every woman that I've had an affair with - and there have been a few - I've called them all Fluffy, which they seem to like. But I wouldn't let them call me by a pet name. I was terrified that they might meet my wife and me at a party and call me Fluffy in front of her. One of my affairs came to an end because of the pet name. My wife confided to a neighbour that in bed I always called her Fluffy. The next time I went around to see the neighbour, she slapped me around the face and called me a bastard, so that was the end of that relationship.

So a perfect affair partner should look and act like your usual partner, and if possible have the same name. Now, there's a challenge.

CHAPTER 3: HOW?