How to Hit on a Bartender

It was a hot sticky night at the end of summer and Elsie had been at work all night. She got home, went inside to change, and then came back outside and climbed over the fence.

Her neighbors had a pool and let her go over and swim whenever she wanted to. Mostly so she wouldn't complain about their noise, she thought, but she didn't care.

She worked nights, in a bar, and was always on at the weekends. She was never home when they were actually being noisy. She got the guilt-use of their pool, and their bedroom was at the other end of their house, so it didn't matter if she swum at three or four in the morning, when she finished work.

Like she was tonight.

She was about to get in, when she realized there was a guy asleep on a deck-chair beside the water. Asleep or passed out. There were a few bottles around, and a jacket over him, so probably there'd been a party, and probably he was passed out.

It wasn't the first time she'd turned up and found something like that. The other neighbors didn't like these ones much, because of all the parties.

Elsie had a bikini under a shirt. She took the shirt off, and got into the water without making too much of a splash. She floated, and swam a little, and forgot about the guy.

She hopped up on the edge and sat there, breathing, and realized he was watching her.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

She looked at him, and decided he was cute. Cute enough she'd think seriously about doing him, after a night being hit on and flirted with and not having got any for weeks.

"Are you okay?" she said, still assuming he'd passed out. "You don't want water or anything?"

He sat up. "I'm fine."

"Except how you're asleep outside at someone else's place."

"My friend's inside, with someone. I was just waiting for him."

"With someone?" she said. "Oh right."

He looked around. "They might have gone to sleep by now, though. It seems kind of late."

"Maybe," Elsie said.

"I didn't see you earlier."

"I'm the neighbor. I just got home."

"Oh."

They sat for a while.

"Don't stop because I'm here," he said.

"I'm fine," she said, just so he wasn't telling her what to do, but she slid back into the water.

She swum a little more, and he sat and watched her. She got out, and sat on the chair beside him, and rubbed her hair, and he kept watching her. She didn't really mind. She was used to stares at work. It wasn't always creepy. At work it was, because the bar was kind of sleazy, and she had to go to a lot of trouble to make clear she never wanted anything from anyone, but here, near home, after a party, being looked at wasn't always creepy. Not if the person looking was cute.

"Hey," he said. "Do you want head?"

She sat there for a moment, startled. "Ah, what?"

"Can I go down on you? If you want me to."

"Um. Why?"

"I like giving head," he said, like it was obvious. "So can I?"

"Okay," she said, a little helplessly. "Yeah, okay."

She leaned backwards on the deck-chair and he pulled her bikini bottoms down and started licking her. And seemed to enjoy it. He was good.

She closed her eyes, rubbed her hands through his hair, and felt his mouth all wet and slippery on her.

She was just getting into it when someone else sat down next to her. She opened her eyes, and saw another guy. The first one's head was hiding her, so she decided casual was the best thing to do. So he didn't sit up suddenly.

"Hey," Elsie said, and poked his shoulder. Poked his shoulder and felt hard muscle and left her hand there. "Um. What does your friend look like? The one we're waiting for?"

He looked up. "Yeah," he said. "About like that."

He had enough sense to leave his hand where his mouth had been.

"I don't think he went to sleep," Elsie said.

"Yeah, maybe not."

"Hey Eric," the new guy said. "Hey chick Eric's licking out."

"Um," Elsie said. "Hi."

They all looked at each other.

The second guy seemed to be planning to stay there and watch. That was definitely creepy.

"Don't I know you?" he said to Elsie.

"Not a chance," she said. Then, to the first guy, "I want to keep going, but somewhere else, yeah?

"Or Dylan can fuck off," he said.

"Or that," Elsie said. "Yeah."

They both looked at Dylan, and after a while he shrugged and went back inside.

He was probably watching through a window, Elsie thought, but he wouldn't see much in the darkness.

Eric went back to licking her, and she went back to floating down onto his mouth. He teased her a bit, held her back from her orgasm, just enough he got her interest without being irritating.

She came, and he held her hand while she did, and then she slid herself up and got her clothes sorted out and wondered if she should do him back.

She thought about Dylan watching and about what Eric had offered in the first place.

"I'm not going to do you," she said. "Because your buddy's still around somewhere watching. I think."

"I think so too."

"So sorry," she said. "No."

"That's fine. Next time."

"You think there'll be a next time?"

He grinned. "Well, you know," he said. "I think you liked it. And I'm not asking you for anything back."

"Yeah," she said. That was true. "So, what? You just like giving people head?"

He shrugged.

"Shit," she said, surprised.

"Where do you live?" he said. "Which neighbor?"

"Or you could phone me."

"I could, but this is, you know, mysterious."

She looked at him for a while, then pointed. "Stop by sometime. When you want to give me head."

"I will," he said, and she actually believed him.

*

Three mornings later, he knocked on her door and said, "Want some?"

She stood there for a moment, irritable after only a couple of hours of sleep. "What's with you?" she said. "Don't you want any?"

"One day, yeah. Of course."

"I work nights."

"Oh," he said, and actually looked apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't think..."

"Shit," she said. "Come in."

He got her off, and then she just lay there and looked at him and wondered if he'd ask. He didn't.

"Seriously?" she said. "Just ask me to blow you and I will."

He shook his head and got dressed.

"Fuck," she said, and watched him leave. She didn't bother getting out of bed.

He was either the perfect man, or he had some plan that was so elaborate she couldn't even begin to imagine what it was.

Not that she especially cared.

*

Three nights later, he was on her doorstep when she came home from work. "You waited?" she said. "I should really just give you my number."

More head for her, and this time, because she was curious, she said she was tired and wanted to sleep and wasn't going to. He said that was fine and got dressed and went to the door.

Elsie watched him, surprised.

When she decided he was actually going to leave, she shouted, "Hey, get back in here."

He came back to the bedroom door.

"No," she said. "Back in here," and kicked the covers a little.

He looked at her for a while.

"I feel guilty," she said. "Get the fuck in the bed."

She had sex with him because she felt bad about him not getting head, and while she did she thought that maybe a pretty clever plan had just worked out for him.

She still didn't mind.

*

Eric kept reappearing, though, so if it was a plan, it wasn't just for a one-nighter. Elsie kept seeing him for a month. In the end she gave him her number. In the end she went down on him too.

He still did her a lot, though, more than anyone she'd been with before, and she couldn't decide if he'd been calculating all along, or just really liked giving head. It was either the most skilful, or the most half-assed, pickup that had ever happened to her and she could work out which.

She wondered, but didn't want to ask because they were still really just sex. There was nothing personal, barely even conversation, and she didn't want to pry if he didn't want to tell her.

Then one night she saw him at work, with a group of guys, at the far end of the bar. Suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

She went over and prodded him in the back.

"Been in here much before?" she said.

He looked a bit embarrassed.

"So you knew who I was the first night?"

"Is that bad?"

She stood there for a moment, glaring. "Nah," she said. "It worked. Unless this was some kind of bet, see if you could hit me, that kind of shit?"

"Fuck no. I just..."

He glanced at his friends, listening.

"Come on," she said, and went down the other end of the bar.

"I assumed if I asked you in here you'd say no," he said.

"Pretty much."

"Then you turned up at that party."

"And you knew it was me?"

He shrugged.

"And thought you could get my attention by not asking for anything back."

He nodded.

"Yeah," she said. "Okay, that's pretty cool."

"So there's something I should have asked you weeks ago," he said. "Do you want to have a drink sometime, maybe?"

She looked at him for a while. "Is that what we're doing now?"

"I'm asking if we are."

"Maybe I just want this."

"That's why I asking. To see."

She stood there for a while. "Okay," she said. "Yeah, all right. But not a drink. I get a bit sick of drinks after a night here."

"Yeah," he said. "Of course. Dinner?" He grinned. "A swim?"

"We'll sort it out," she said. "Next time you're over. But I should go back to work."

"Hey," he said, and kissed her, and half the bar knew her and was watching, but Elsie let him anyway.

Then she hit his arm, and pushed him back, and said, "Later."

Two months later he moved in, and she had a horrible feeling they were actually going to end up together and this was going to be some story they told people in ten years' time.