How To Make Sushi

"If you knew Sushi, like I know Sushi, oh, oh, oh, what a gal. Sorry, I didn't know you were already there reading this over my shoulder."

Let me start from the beginning. It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend last month. I met her at the dog park. She has this great Golden Retriever named Jimbo. I'm going to miss that dog.

Anyway, since I don't know how to cook and she cooked all my meals, I joined a cooking class to learn how to cook. Let me tell you, if you want to meet some hot chicks, I mean, if you want to learn how to cook, you need to take a cooking class.

My first day, I met this gorgeous Asian chick. Matter of fact, I invited her to dinner tonight and she'll be here any minute. She's tall, thin, shapely, and beautiful with jet, blue-black, long hair that goes all the way down to her cute ass. She has these perfect A cup tits that I hope to get better acquainted with tonight, if you know what I mean.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad Jimbo no longer lives with me, as she's allergic to dogs. Thank God my dog, Polo, the pain-in-the-ass Rat Terrier is the hypoallergenic type of dog. He has short hair. Besides, I'd have a tough time explaining my girlfriend's presence to her. I guess I could have introduced her as my cook, but I don't think my girlfriend would have gone along with that. Yeah, that would have been awkward introducing my old girlfriend to her new replacement.

Anyway, my cooking class homework assignment is to make Sushi. Now, I've never even had Sushi. Have you? I have no idea how to make it. I know that it's sliced, rolled, raw fish stuffed with some stuff and placed on a bed of white rice. Gross. Nonetheless, I decided to go out to the Asian market and buy everything that I needed to make sushi.

Of course, the first thing that I bought is one of those big, puffy white chef hats and a red bandana. I figured if I looked like a real chef maybe that would help my cooking 'cause the only thing that I know how to make is coffee (thank God), hard boiled eggs, toast, peanut butter crackers, cereal, and cheese sandwiches.

First, I needed to decide which kind of sushi to make. I learned in cooking class that there are five different kinds of sushi. I never knew that. Did you know that?

I always thought that there was only one kind of sushi, regular sushi. Anyway, there's Nigiri-zushi sushi, which is bundles of white rice topped with wasabi and fish. Since I have no idea what the Hell wasabi is, I immediately looked at the next choice.

There's Chirashi-zushi sushi, which is prepared in a bowl with several different kinds of fish that I don't even recognize and vegetables that I don't even recognize mixed with white rice. Since, this sushi salad sounded like too much work for me, I decided to skip that one, too. Besides, it looked nasty all mixed in together like that. I think I even saw a couple of fisheyes staring out at me.

Then, there's Oshizushi sushi which is pressed or squished sushi. Now, I remember when the New England Patriots played the Miami Dolphins back in 1972 in Superbowl XLII and our fans rooted squish the fish. Well, since my Patriots lost that Superbowl against Miami pressing or squishing Oshizushi sushi didn't appeal to me either and I skipped that one, too.

Next was Maki-zushi sushi, which is white rice and seafood rolled up in nori seaweed. I don't know about you, but I used to live not too far from Revere Beach in East Boston and I've seen the seaweed that comes in with low tide from the Atlantic Ocean. There was no way that I was eating any seaweed, nori or any other kind of seaweed.

"Yuck!"

Finally, there's Sashimi sushi, which is raw fish, such as salmon and squid with other fresh seafood sliced thin and served without rice. Since I already like salmon and squid and love shrimp, I added some fresh shrimp to my mix. The fact that I didn't have to make rice appealed to me, too. This cooking isn't so bad after all. I don't understand why my girlfriend made such a big deal about cooking when she came home from working her two jobs. I'm glad she's gone.

Step #1. I ran to my local Stop & Shop and bought some fresh salmon, squid, and shrimp that was already skinned and cleaned. I even put some scallops in there, too, the real big ones, 'cause I like scallops. Let me tell you, buying all this fresh fish was expensive. I could have bought a couple nice Fillet Mignons and a six pack of imported beer for the price that I paid for all this fish.

Step #2. I figured that making Sashimi sushi without rice is a bit plain so I sprung for a small box of Uncle Ben's. I'll just throw a bunch of that in the rice cooker. How difficult could it be? Besides, I may need the carbohydrates for energy, especially if I get lucky tonight. Hmm, maybe, I should have bought some oysters. Oh, well, it's too late for that.

Step #3. Once home I washed the fish in cold water and pat dried it with clean paper towels. As my cooking tip of the day, I can't believe I'm giving out cooking tips, already. This cooking class is really paying off. Suddenly, I feel a bit like Emeril Lagasse. Maybe it's this big, puffy white hat or the red bandana or a combination of the two, I don't know which, but my cooking tip of the day is that I prefer the Bounty paper towels for their absorbency. There you have it. That's my cooking tip of the day, Bounty paper towels, for the quick picker upper when making a mess with fish.

Step #4. Using a very sharp knife, I appropriately have a Ginsu knife that I bought years ago on one of those informercials with the guy that wears the big, puffy white hat too, I slice the fish. This is important to note, just like when cutting wood with your hand saw, you must slice the fish along the grain in a downward motion making sure to avoid sawing the fish. My sharp Ginsu knife makes a clean cut, which makes the fish more appealing to eat. You don't want to mangle the fish, especially at the price that I paid for all this ocean cuisine.

Step #5. Now, cut the fish in thin, ¼ inch to ½ inch thick bite-size slices that are approximately 1 inch to 1 ½ inches long.

Step #6. Arrange the fish slices on a plate. Layer the fish and arrange in patterns or roll in slices, such as small rosettes. Since I don't know how to make rosettes nor do I even know what a rosette is, I made my fish slices in the pattern of a classic Ford Mustang. The '65 Mustang is one of my favorite cars.

It's my version of origami but with fish instead of paper. It doesn't look bad. I decided against adding blue food coloring that I had left over from coloring eggs at Easter. I was thinking about coloring the fish to make it look like that powder blue paint job that the '65 Mustang had back then. It was a tough decision, but I decided against it. I think I made the right call. What do you think?

Step #7. Garnish the plate with wasabi and vinegared ginger. There's that freaking wasabi again. It's probably some kind of gross horseradish shit. Since, I don't even know what the Hell wasabi is and am sure that I wouldn't like it even if I knew what it was, and since I don't have any vinegared ginger, whatever that is, I substituted cinnamon and sugar.

I buy the cinnamon/sugar in that little plastic cowboy or they have the bear, monkey, lion or spaceman. Since I'm a Leo the Lion, my favorite one is the lion one. I have a whole collection of those. I sprinkle that on my toast in the morning. Let me tell you, I make a mean slice of toast. The art is in knowing which heat setting to use. I crank it all the way up so that it comes out Cajun style.

By the way, here's another cooking tip. Suddenly, I'm full of cooking tips. Soon, I'll have my own cooking show. Anyway, when making Cajun toast, make sure you remove the batteries from the smoke alarm first. That's my second cooking tip of the day.

Step #8. Serve with a bowl of rice and soy sauce. Again, since I didn't have any soy sauce, I substituted maple syrup. I like the Aunt Jemima kind. I buy that stuff by the gallon. Only, now with my girlfriend no longer here to make me pancakes, I should have picked up a box of those frozen waffles when I was at Stop & Shop.

I'm looking at this plate of Mustang shaped sushi and I have to tell you, it doesn't look bad. I mean, it doesn't look really good either.

"Yum! I'm hungry already, kind of, not really, not at all."

Lastly, I take the entire plate of that crap, cover it with Seran wrap, and put it in the refrigerator.

Perfect timing, my invited guest is already at my front door.

"Sushi! You look absolutely gorgeous. Jade green is your color. You look fabulous in that dress. Come in, come in. Make yourself comfortable. I'll get you a glass of wine just as soon as I get rid of all these people from Literotica reading my How To story. What's the title of the story? Oh, it's, uhm, how to make friends with someone from the Far East. Yeah, that's it."

C'mon, seriously, did you really believe that I was making sushi? Nah! Well, I was, I mean, I did. And now, I'm hoping to make it with my new Asian girlfriend, Sushi. That other sushi shit is for my cooking class tomorrow. It's my homework. There's no way that I'm eating raw fish. Double yuck!

Well, I got to go. Thanks for stopping by to read my story. Wish me luck in getting lucky with Sushi. Matter of fact, we're not even having sushi tonight, we're having pizza.

THE END