How to Score Your Sex!

Perverts who have found themselves in a bit of a rut ever since Hustler ceased publication of its annual Hot Mennonite Chicks issue got an unexpected bonus this week when the Department of Health and Horny Services released the long-awaited rules and regulations for formally scoring a session of sexual intercourse. The complete rules are available online for $4.95 or are printed for free below, and scoresheets are downloadable from several government websites in PDF format. A complete leather-bound Sexual Scorebook is now for sale at many Target locations and includes an incense-scented pencil and an Individual Coital Records chart.

"If there's one thing that's been missing in this life, it's the ability to score a session of sexual intercourse as one would score a professional baseball game," said Runyon McSlurpet, Chairman of the East-West Coalition of Bored Sexual Obsessives. "Many people feel uncomfortable when their partners suggest videotaping or even audiotaping sex—God knows why; I mean, like, get over it already, who do you think you are, Mary Magdalene? Now at last, the United States government, after thousands of years of incompetence, has finally done something right by inventing a system of sexual scoring so that every act of yoidling can at least be preserved on paper for future reference."

Marital attorneys are also hailing the new system, and plan to use filled scorebooks in celebrity divorce proceedings whenever possible.

OFFICIAL DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HORNY SERVICES RULES FOR SCORING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

1) Participants should fill out their names, the date, the time, and the location of the act on a lined sheet of notebook paper, as well as weather conditions and an estimation of attendance figures, if more than ten people have stayed to watch. The name of the initiator of intercourse should be circled in pencil.

2) Each advancement or alteration during gadoogling should be noted on the next line in chronological order using the attached list of acronyms and symbols.

3) A prolonged individual technique or action should be noted with a + sign beside the act. For example, if a woman slurps her lover's peace pipe for longer than a minute, the scorer would write /B for "fellatio" with a + sign after it: /B+. For every minute afterward that she continues to suck, another + is added.

4) The individual technique or action which results in a standard orgasm for either partner should be circled. 'Standard orgasm' is here defined as one that is worth talking about at least one hour but no more than two days later. An individual technique or action which results in multiple orgasms should be noted with multiple circles. (Multiple orgasms should be carefully reviewed and verified by an independent authority before full credit is given, since it seems to be a phenomenon that only happens to other couples.)

5) Breaks in the action to towel off or sharpen the pencil should be noted by starting the scoring over again on an adjacent vertical row.

6) At the end of intercourse, the final figures should be totaled at the bottom of the scoresheet. Statistics should include total time elapsed, total number of orgasms, total number of errors, total number of passouts (if applicable), and final distance of ejaculation (if measurable).

The following are the acronyms and symbols used on the scoresheet:

DK - Deep kissing.

FS - Finger sucking.

TS - Toe sucking.

EE - The earlobe thing.

RB - Removal of bra.

RP - Removal of panties/underwear.

H/H - First contact, hand to penis.

M/M - First contact, mouth to penis.

#H - First contact, hand to thelma.

#M - First contact, mouth to thelma.

#F - Almost anything involving feet.

/B - Fellatio.

/H - Gratification through use of the hand, plus its attached fingers.

# - Oral sex performed by the man; application of tongue to Lustminster Abbey; cunnilingus.

#* - Just plain eatin' choodle.

O/O - Rubbing of genitals against the heaving bosom..

AHHH - Weird but definitely cool rubbing of the genitals all over the woman's face.

(.)L - Nipple-sucking (left nipple).

(.)R - Nipple-sucking (right nipple).

(.)(.) - Breast squeezing/rubbing/massage/awed worship.

OW - Biting.

F^- Finger in rear.

H^ - Hand in rear.

FHK^ - Finger, hand, and knuckle in rear.

FHKE^ - Yep. Elbow.

V* - Insertion of the man's penis into the woman's vagina.

A* - Insertion of the man's penis into a place that is not quite the woman's vagina.

?* - Insertion of the man's penis into the woman's ear. (NOTE: Extended ear-shnazzing should be noted not with more + signs, but with more question marks.)

TO - Temporary withdrawal of penis by the man to prevent early ejaculation or take a pathetic moment to admire his own "mammoth love cigar", as he laughably calls it.

oMo - Keeblers taken into mouth.

oMoMo - Keeblers rolled around in there.

MOT - Man on top intercourse.

WOT - Woman on top intercourse.

DOG - Rear-entry intercourse.

(( - Spooning intercourse.

@ - Standing intercourse with woman bent over.

!!! - Standing intercourse in backyard in broad daylight with woman bent over a gas grill and cooking ribs.

ICK - Oral contact with the rear.

E - Error. Beside the E, write down the numeral that best corresponds with the actual type of sexual mistake:

1) Facial hair irritates clitoris.

2) Woman yanks on penis like she's trying to start a friggin' chainsaw.

3) Man tries to be a gentleman and tries to lamely suggest he wants to shnazz the woman from behind with a series of confusing gestures and gentle touches instead of just telling her.

4) Inability to get bra catch undone.

5) Condom won't go on right. .

6) Fred Flintstone mask won't go on right.

7) Man calls out name of old band teacher during intercourse.

8) And it was a guy.

9) Woman doesn't mind it.

$$ - Sudden vocal cry of enthusiasm. This may include anything from a simple "Oh yes" to "That feels sooooooo good, honey".

$$+ - Sudden vocal cry of enthusiasm that couldn't possibly be artificial. This may include anything from "Shnazz my hot chunnel, you dark-hearted PoodieMaster of the night!" to "Yeah, Cookie Monster, eat my Oreo and make me pay!"

\ - Withering of erection.

/ - Renewal of erection.

/// - Renewal of erection attained by sad self-stimulation.

XXX - Rare and unexpected appearance of Truly Hot Shnazzing Action, like in a great porno movie. All previous Errors may be crossed off the scoresheet if this occurs.

YYY - Extremely unexpected appearance of one or more enraged spouses. (Inevitably precedes Truly Hot Shnazzing Action by about two seconds.)

P - Use of a prop or toy or other stimulant. Indicate the type of prop or toy or other stimulant by noting the first letter of the item beside the P. (Since 'vibrator' and 'vasectomy video' both start with a V, use your best judgment.)

Uh - Poorly-faked female orgasm.

Uhhhhh - Well-faked female orgasm.

D - The D can stand for one of two things: actual death brought on by heart attack during sex, or an inadvertent marriage proposal shouted out at the moment of orgasm, which amounts to pretty much the same thing.

SAMPLE SCORESHEET

The following log reflects the scoring of a 1997 sexual encounter with pop superstar Madonna that occurred in the noctural dreams of Pulitzer Prize-winning film critic Roger Ebert:

E4+++++

\

///

\

///

\

///

\

Uh

FHKE^