How Wonderful Ch. 06

* * * Gerri continues * * *

On Friday as we walked to Sharon's house I was thinking how nice it was to have Mark in reserve when Sam was out of sorts. Once Sharon and the kids left, I went in to Sharon's bedroom and made myself ready for Mark. While I was getting ready another one of the guilt/remorse waves rolled over me. I wondered why I was making myself up for Mark when I never did it for my own husband anymore.

I had barely entered Mark's room and was enjoying a deep throat passionate kiss when Sharon burst in.

She said, "Oh God Gerri, Sam's on his way over here right now to make some sort of an adjustment. He called the house and your cell before he called my cell. Do you know that your cell phone is off?"

I screamed back at her, "I don't care about the damned cell phone. What did you say about Sam?"

She told me again and added that we needed to get out of here and get to the park. I dashed into Sharon's room to change. I told Mark that he would have to take a rain check. I was ready to rush out when Sharon reminded me of the make-up. I dashed back into the bathroom and cleaned my face.

We both hurried to the park and the kids were delighted to see me. We had just gotten to the park when Sam called Sharon to tell her he wasn't going to make it right now; he had an emergency call to take.

He asked to speak to me and he told me the same thing and that my cell phone was off. I told him that Sharon had informed me and that when I got to my purse I would turn it on.

As I was about to hang up, he asked me why I was out of breath? My mind raced for a minute. He knew I wasn't there when he called a little while ago. What had Sharon told him, if anything? Hoping that she hadn't told him anything or that he wouldn't remember, I told him that we had left the drinks in the refrigerator and that I had hurried back to get them.

He said, "Ok, see you latter and hung up," after telling me about my cell phone again. Still no 'I love you' or any other endearing comment. What had I done to bring this on? I was relieved, horny, and pissed. My stomach was in turmoil. This was twice now that my affair could have been exposed. I must put an end to it soon; this is just too gut wrenching. Maybe tonight I would be able to arouse Sam and relieve some of my tension.

As I closed the phone and handed it back to Sharon, she told me she couldn't help but overhear and that she had told Sam that I was in the restroom. Why has everything recently just gone to hell? I pondered the situation and decided not to say anything unless Sam brought it up when he came home. Maybe he wouldn't connect the differences. If he did I would simply tell him I went to the restroom before going back for the drinks; that Sharon just hadn't seen me leave. I then took a minute to get the story straight with Sharon.

I went to my purse and got my cell phone out. As I prepared to turn it on, I found it was already on. He must have misdialed. No, he has my cell phone number on speed dial both on his cell and on his work phone. Why did he think my cell was off?

Sam dropped a bomb shell on me when he came home. As usual he played with the kids as he came in and again he seemed to have a serious talk with them before he came in to the kitchen. I almost fainted when I found out the conversation was about my missing lunch on Fridays. When he asked me what it was all about, I had to think for a moment before I told him Fridays were the times I usually ran my errands. He seemed to accept the answer and told me I needed to let the children know what I was doing.

I breathed a sigh of relief and then caught my breath. Why was nothing said about Mondays? Did the children just not mention it, or was Sam only telling me part of the story? Was he on to my affair? After pondering the event for a while I decided the kids just hadn't mentioned Mondays. I talked to the kids later, and sure enough, today, being Friday; they hadn't been thinking about Monday and had only talked about Fridays.

Sam certainly didn't seem upset, as he would have been if he had known; yet he still wasn't acting like his normal self. With no positive answer I decided that the evidence did not indicate Sam was aware of anything. I also knew that I had better fix this little flaw. On Monday I would ask Mark if we couldn't meet on random days, not just Mondays and/or Fridays. No, I wouldn't wait until Monday. I would call Mark sometime tomorrow when Sam wasn't around.

While I thought I had been betrayed by comments from the children, I realized that I had actually been shown a flaw in my operation that needed correcting. And, of course, I needed to get serious about ending the affair. The problem was that I didn't know how and I really didn't want to give it up. The kid's remarks could set Sam sniffing around. And still, I was hosting very uneasy feelings.

Something was wrong. Sam had always confided in me in the past, yet now he was holding something back. When I quizzed him about the cell phone, he simply responded that he must have hit the wrong button. The way he answered sounded a little smug, as though he was expecting me to ask and he had the answer ready. Is he playing with me? Am I becoming paranoid? All of a sudden my extremely gratifying affair was starting to become an ordeal.

When I went to bed, I went to sleep totally frustrated. I didn't know what to do about ending my affair. I was beginning to wonder if Sam somehow had suspicions about my activities. And, worse yet, Sam had begged off sex as being too tired. I was horny as hell. I wanted to jump on Sam and rape him.

On Saturday while Sam took the kids to get ice cream, I called Mark and told him what had happened. I let him know that unless we could change our pattern, we were going to have to end our relationship. I also told him I would like to continue but I was not going to jeopardize my marriage. Mark was happy with the random schedule idea and suggested that for the time being perhaps we should limit ourselves to once a week. We settled on Tuesday for our next meeting.

* * * Sam's perspective * * *

By Sunday evening, I had had about all I could stand. Gerri had called Mark the previous day and told him about the kid's remarks. They had agreed that they should meet on random days of the week. Their next romp would be on Tuesday. I didn't find anything in the conversation that would lead me to believe that she was in love with him. It only sounded like two people who wanted sex with each other. But her actions certainly indicated that she didn't love me or her family very much to be able to do what she was doing.

I decided that I would give her an opening. Maybe, just maybe, she might confess and there might be a way to save our marriage. After supper and the children were in bed I provided the opening.

I looked Gerri straight in the eye and proceeded. "Honey, I have had the strange feeling for the past couple of weeks that something has happened that has or is affecting our marriage. I also have the feeling that I am being excluded from part of your life. Is it just my imagination, or is there something that perhaps you would like to talk about with me? I'm very concerned and want to get rid of this feeling."

Once again, the color drained from her face. She averted her eyes from mine and looked toward the floor. She surprised me when she came back with an immediate response.

"Darling, is this what has been making you act so strange lately?"

I hesitated not knowing how much I wanted to tip my hand. Then after a moment I gave her a truthful answer and told her it was.

She paused and I knew she was thinking it over.

Then she replied, "I don't know what I've been doing to make you feel this way. Can you give me a clue or example of what is giving you this feeling? If you could, maybe I could respond or give you a reasonable answer. Right now I haven't a clue as to what to talk about."

I told her there was nothing I could put my finger on but things just didn't feel right.

With that she told me she was sorry she couldn't give me a better answer but that her recent attitude had been mostly in response to my bad mood.

Then I told her that part of it was our recent more intense sexual activity. That she was a wonderful sex partner but she had never taken the lead before and this was new.

Her response almost made me gag. She told me that she just loved me so much and she was trying new ways to express that love.

Then she dumped it all back in my lap by asking if perhaps there was something I needed or wanted to tell her.

Well there it was, I had opened the door and she slammed it in my face by lying and throwing the problem back at me. I was tempted to press the issue further but I knew she would only continue to lie if I pressed on. I simply replied to never mind, that my problem would be settled on Tuesday.

She said, "Oh honey, that's wonderful. I'll be glad to have my Sam back. What's happening on Tuesday?"

I told her I was not at liberty to discuss it, that I was sorry to have bothered her, and that I was going to bed.

She jumped up and said, "Please wait, and let me get ready before you."

I agreed and decided check my e-mail while she got ready. I knew she was horny and probably wanted to get something going when we got to bed.

I went to my shop and checked the e-mail. I didn't bother with the videos or the telephone tap. I already had more than I needed and I sure didn't need to subject myself to any more hurtful revelations. Before I finished, I took the wire tap tapes smashed the cassettes, chopped up the tapes and threw them in the trash. Just for insurance, I put another tape into the recorder.

I had just finished when she called and I went to the bedroom. She was standing there wearing the baby doll, not the one I gave her. She was all made up; wearing a wonderful smile, holding her arms opened to me, and under all that external beauty was the unfaithful slut I used to call my wife. I had to really work to control my temper. I wanted to walk over to her, rip the outfit off and knock her over the bed and into the hallway.

Instead, I walked past her to the bathroom. As I passed her I said, in a very unloving voice, "You look like a whore and the last thing I want right now is sex."

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door so hard that it's a wonder the hinges didn't pop. If that didn't give her cause for thinking about her infidelity, nothing would.

She burst out in tears and moments later she knocked on the door. Through the tears she asked, "Sam, what's wrong? Please talk to me."

I told her that if after all these years she couldn't figure out what was wrong, then I certainly wasn't going to spell it out for her now. Then I said, "Gerri, I don't think you really care what's bothering me. You know what's wrong with us but you obviously don't want to talk about it."

She said, "Sam, I don't understand, you're not making sense. What ARE you talking about?"

I told her to just go away and leave me alone.

When I slammed the door, it woke the children and she left to tend to them. When I came out I could hear her in tearful conversation with, who I believed to be, Sharon. I really didn't care who she was talking to or why. I went to bed and I had no idea when she came to bed. * * * Gerri continues * * *

I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer when Sam made a comment to me about having a strange feeling; that for the past couple of weeks something was affecting our marriage. He felt he was being left out of my life and then he asked if I had something I wanted to tell him or talk about.

I didn't know what was driving him. Of course I could only think of my infidelity. I couldn't look him in face and tried to push it aside. Then I stopped short. Here was the perfect opportunity to come clean. But as I reasoned, I quickly passed it over thinking that if he did know, he would have done something by now. I further reasoned how much it would hurt him if he doesn't know and that if he doesn't know, why take the chance? What was really bothering me now was that I knew if he found out and knew it had been going on a while, he would leave me. No, I just couldn't take a chance.

I got a really bad feeling when I asked if this concern of his was what has been making him act so strangely and he answered that it was.

It is times like these when the brain doesn't seem to function as it should. I thought for a moment. Then told him I didn't know what I had been doing to make him feel this way.

I asked him to give me a clue or example or an explanation of what was making him feel this way, that maybe it would help me to know what to talk about.

He told me there was nothing he could put his finger on but that things just didn't feel right. Then he added that our recent sexual activities had made him wonder, that it was unusual for me to take the lead.

I answered him that I was just trying to find new ways to let him know just how much I loved him.

After a moment, I told him I was sorry but that my attitude lately was mostly a reaction to his attitude. I finished by telling him that these past days hadn't been pleasant for me either.

His reply told me this problem would be resolved on Tuesday. I thought maybe I could get a clue and so I asked him what was going to happen on Tuesday. He replied that he was not a liberty to discuss it.

He announced that he was going to bed. My guilty conscience was working overtime and I felt like I needed to reaffirm my love to him and maybe help make him happier. Also, this was a way to trim my horns. I asked to get ready first and he agreed and went to check his e-mail.

I got a quick shower and put on the baby doll outfit that I had bought. I didn't have anything to equal it and I really felt guilty knowing that this outfit was not as nice as the one that Sam had given me. I did my hair up, used eye shadow and applied make-up. When I looked in the mirror I almost lost it all. I was looking at the same woman who last had sex with Mark. The waves of guilt and what Sam had just said was about to undo me again.

I finally got a grip on myself and called Sam. What happened next destroyed me. I was standing in a glamorous pose with my arms outstretched for him. He came in the bedroom, took a quick look and then brushed right by me telling me that I looked like a whore and that the last thing he wanted right now was sex. Then he went into the bathroom and really slammed the door. I couldn't have been more shocked or hurt if he had doubled up his fist and slugged me.

The tears poured out immediately as I went to the door and knocked and asked him what was wrong, to please talk to me. He told me to just leave him alone, that I really didn't care what was wrong and that I knew what was wrong.

As I said before, in these situations the brain is not always functioning properly. My thoughts immediately jumped into a jumble. He practically said he knew about my affair and yet I was convinced that he couldn't. I thought, the children had told him more than he said? No, they didn't really know anything. I don't know why but I just couldn't accept the fact that he could know. I was absolutely sure he couldn't.

Had the brain been functioning, I should have put the obvious facts together: •He has not been himself lately. •Whatever the cause is, I'm involved. •We have not had sex recently. •I don't know when the last time was that we kissed. •I have not heard "I love you" recently. •Just now he called me a whore. •He told me that I knew what was wrong and we had nothing to talk about. •And the final fact: Sunday night was almost an automatic night for sex.

If the brain had been engaged, it would have seen the red flag that was waving. Yet my brain was not willing to interpret the facts as: "HE KNOWS." I just kept overriding my brain by fretting and trying to figure out what it was that was bothering him.

I wanted to talk but he woke the children when he slammed the door and I needed to go to them. As I left, I heard the shower turn on and I knew he probably wasn't going to be out soon. The thought kept coming: He knows. But I KNEW that he couldn't know.

After the children settled down, I went to the kitchen and called Sharon. I told her what had happened. She couldn't think of anything she had seen that would cause his outburst and she helped me calm down. She asked me in all seriousness, if there was any possible way that he could know. Neither of us could imagine what there could have been that would have revealed my affair unless the children had said more than he told me. But no, I had talked with them and they obviously had no knowledge that would suggest an affair.

We concluded that we would just have to wait until Tuesday. She was shocked that Sam had called me a whore but she reminded me that he was not used to my wearing makeup for sex. She also reminded me that Mark would help get things off to a good start for me on Tuesday.

During our conversation I was careful not to specifically talk about Mark and our affair and Sharon understood why. I knew Sam couldn't hear me but I just wanted to be safe. However, no matter how I looked at it or what Sharon said, I was beginning to get a horrible sinking feeling that somehow Sam had discovered my infidelity, or at least he was very suspicious about my activities because of missing lunch with the kids. Something was terribly wrong. Sam has never acted like this in our entire marriage.

I finally got myself straightened out enough to go to bed about 2 a.m. During the night I wrestled with my feelings. I knew that I needed to put a stop to things. But I wasn't ready to give up the pleasure I was getting from Mark. Then a thought hit me that put an end to my sleep about four o'clock. My unwillingness to get rid of Mark brought the question: Am I falling in love with Mark?

I fought the horrible battle that perhaps sex with Mark was replacing Sam, that maybe I was falling in love with him. Every time this thought came forward I would affirm that I loved my sex with Mark but that I didn't love him. I didn't want him for a husband or father of my children. What I shared with Sam I would not share with Mark. Oh God, what have I gotten myself in to?

During the entire night I would get so worked up that I would break into tears and made several trips to the bathroom so Sam wouldn't hear.

Sam got up at 5:30 and I lay in bed for just a few minutes after he got up. I went to the kitchen hoping we could have a definitive talk, but he was less than loving towards me as he ate a little breakfast and headed to work. As he left I told him that I hoped he would have a good day and that I was looking forward to having things worked out tomorrow. He mumbled, "Don't," as he went out the door and again without a hug or a kiss. Still, most troubling was the fact that I hadn't heard "I love you" for many days now. Surely things would start getting better tomorrow night.

* * * Sam's perspective * * *

Monday morning as I was preparing to go to work, it was obvious that I had gotten to Gerri. I know she didn't sleep much and I know she went to the bathroom crying several times. I left the house without a kiss and without telling her I loved her.

At work I signed out for vacation for the rest of the week. Before I left I went to Helen, our dispatcher, my boss, and two other co-workers and told them that I had a very serious problem at home. I asked them to tell Gerri, if she were to call for me that I was at the salvage yard (30 miles out of town) taking inventory. If she needed me, to call my cell phone.

I left work and went home and reviewed the video and telephone tap tapes. There was nothing really new; there was just additional proof of her infidelity. I did confirm from the telephone conversation that Gerri still hadn't a clue that I was on to her. I also did a quick inspection so that the next day I could move swiftly with the things I would have to do.