- Reviews & Essays
- I am NOT a Slut!
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It's very important to keep one's eyes on trends. Black sexuality is political. There is an emerging movement, very much like feminism of the 60s but dissimilarly driven, that has given rise to a segment of the population referring to themselves as sluts and whores as some sort of "empowerment". Some women are doing so without thought or consciousness, because they have been conditioned to believe that it's arousing to be called names during sex. Others, however, are doing so because they believe they are somehow changing the meaning of the word. It is those women who give me great pause. Internalizing our abuse is not reason to sanction our own objectification.
Society will call women, ESPECIALLY women of color, sluts and whores, label us as promiscuous at the drop of a hat, all day every day. Turn on the radio, watch a movie, there are Black women being called sluts and whores every where you turn. For us to call ourselves that doesn't change anyone's opinion of us, it simply reinforces to them their negative perceptions. They see any sign of a woman's sexuality, any display of owning our preferences and desires, as being slutty. If women enjoy sex, we are sluts. Well, I'm not a slut. I'm a woman who masturbates, enjoys porn, who loves hot, steamy, passionate fucking, but I'm not a slut. I don't think it's arousing for men to call me a slut or a whore, I don't want to be slapped around, spit on, called names and nor do I think if I ask for it or call myself names am I empowering anyone other than perhaps the person I'm with to feel superior to me, like they can treat me like shit with my approval.
"I'm changing the meaning of the word, taking the sting out of it." I've heard that exact same argument from numerous women in reference to being called a slut. It's the same argument I've heard from Black people about using the word nigger. If you look at the segment of the population who uses the word nigger, they aren't particularly empowered. They are at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder, they are under-educated and under and unemployed. They are seen by society as niggers and treated thusly. Other than a handful of rappers who have used to word to ride to fame by degrading themselves and their race, there are very few "niggers" who are commanding respect from those that would oppress them. I'm going to politely suggest that the same is true for the women who claim that they are making a bold political statement about calling themselves sluts. I'm not really seeing the instances of men feeling uncomfortable by their words and actions; I'm not really seeing a movement for men to be more introspective and rethink their use of the word. Men are more and more comfortable calling women degrading names and the women who sign on for it, whether it be for political or sexual reasons, are NOT empowering anyone.
There is an entire generation of young women who have grown up on porn. In my day, porn was hard to come by and if you did happen upon it, it was a magazine with softcore pictures, not, the constant stream of hardcore porn that young people have grown up on. My sexuality and VCRs (machines that played video tapes for those who are too young to even know what they are) are about the same age and I never saw an adult film until I was almost 20. There was no internet so you had to go to a store and in the store there was a back room separated with a swinging western door where men looked at the ground and tried to pretend they were invisible. There were NEVER any other women in the room, no matter what time of day you went, no matter how long you stayed. There were three categories of movies: straight, gay, and lesbian and even the lesbian porn was created solely for men. There was no anal section, there was no MILF porn, no, Japanese, shemale, public, or certainly BDSM or extreme or any of the numerous categories that can be found in seconds today on any computer. Interracial porn was in the fetish section and considered an oddity. And quite different from today, there was no common theme of the rape and degradation of women. Back in the day, was a lot of moaning and groaning in porn, there was even a ton of kissing, and they were the masters of sexy talk. That talk, however, wasn't, "You filthy fucking whore, gag on my dick bitch." Today, you can't watch a movie without a young lady being spit on, gagged, choked, slapped, spanked, and being called and calling herself every name in the book.
I can clearly see how young ladies today, growing up in a time when porn was accessible and their only exposure to sex has been about degrading women would find that arousing. I can also see how women my age, who have had to hide their sexuality all their lives, who haven't had outlets to express themselves can watch videos of other women being degraded and get a secret thrill. I've heard more than a few women who have been the victims of sexual abuse say that they are empowered when they call themselves sluts and whores and feel that they are diffusing the meaning of the word by doing it. I've never really gotten a good understanding of how that works exactly. If society and men in general don't change their perceptions of the word, calling oneself a slut doesn't seem particularly empowering, it seems more like objectifying yourself. To be honest, to me, it seems like abusing yourself and calling it liberating. In any case, there are legions of women, for one reason or another, who feel that calling themselves sluts and whores, and/or being called a slut and a whore during sex is arousing and empowering. I don't.
I'm secure enough in my own identity as a woman, a sexual woman at that, that I can say, "No, I am not a slut." I don't find it arousing to call myself a slut, I do not think it's empowering to have someone call me a whore, I don't think I'm making a political statement by conforming to society's preconceived notion that I'm a slut, that's not redefining anything. I personally find it far more empowering to BOLDLY and unapologetically say, "Look at me. I'm a regal queen. Hey world, I'm a precious and divine gift and I'm not going to share my body with random men who are undeserving, who don't treat me with respect, who don't value what I bring to the table." Yes, I've been raped, more times than anyone ever should in fact. I have struggled with my sexual identity like most women have in this patriarchal society. My wants, desires, and preferences have been shaped by the lovers I've had in the past, my sometimes fragile self-esteem, and my overwhelming desire to take responsibility for my sexuality. In the end, I'm much more comfortable defining myself and my sexuality by not apologizing to anyone for having desires and lusts that celebrate me being a woman, not a whore, thing, or a slut.
I guess, at the end of the day, one has to ask themselves what they feel is more empowering. Is it, "I am a gorgeous and divine queen, deserving of nothing less than a man who will treasure, adore, please, and treat me as the special and unique individual I AM," or, "I'm a filthy, nasty slut who wants men to treat me like a cum dump."
- COMMENTS
Librandesirealmost 3 years agoI completely agree. I would never, ever call a woman a slut or a whore. I don't like to hear it in porn or in any social context. Some women (and men) make a living from sex work but they don't deserve to be debased and they shouldn't do it to themselves. They deserve dignity, just like everyone else. And I have an equal disgust for the word nigger, regardless of who says it. But, truly, the only place I hear it is in rap/hip hop (and some film).
hollybelle69over 8 years agoIt's one thing if name calling turns one on in the privacy of the bedroom, but quite another when it becomes a public label. I have heard black people say its one thing to call each other racially charged terms but not okay for public use.
Not sure I agree but at least I understand . I find it abhorrent that in today's "society" I can expect to be categorised as a female dog as a matter of course. And it's no longer limited to porn but to common speech and popular music.
Human culture may give rise to language, however the language we use effects our culture . In a world where ther term for "woman" becomes synonymous with "bitch", "ho", and "slut" we will have lost our humanity . Has it already happened? Oh my.
redandsurlyover 8 years agoYou've given me some things to think about.
When it comes from being empowered by being called a slut, I don't really understand that either. I will admit to being aroused by being called a slut but that's just me. Maybe some girls are like me in the sense that I was called a slut in a demeaning manner despite being a virgin and it did hurt until I realised that I'm so far from being a slut it shouldn't. I just like the thought of other people thinking I'm dirty because I know I'm not. I don't think I'd feel the same way about being call a slut once I start having sex.
I also have a feeling that some women who try to embrace the word slut only do so as some sort of self-conviction. They're actually secretly guilty and ashamed of their sexual habits so they call themselves sluts to convince the world that they're okay with their decisions even when they aren't.
wieliczkaover 8 years agoI've been around over 60+ years. Time is short to put up with bull shit. I chose to act and be healthy as often as I can AND I 'REQUIRE' THAT OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE.. It is in the stories I write, the stories I read. Owning the words slut does not change their meaning. Owning the damage of those words is real. I was most impressed with this entry. Life is very short to live under degradation. The author chooses to live with her head held high. There is no other way to live.
phelonover 8 years agoI found this essay to be thought provoking, and I generally agree with it. I think one thing it missed was the economic attachment of modern porn. Being a man over 40, I remember the 'vanilla' porn, as well as the darker varieties to be had when I was a teen, at that time a fetish of most any kind was a separate and usually underground production catering to its specific clients and usually short 1 or two scene bits unlike the 'mainstream' which would be 5-8 including mostly couples a couple group scenes and one lesbian or some similar combination. I think now many of the producers try to throw as many of those fetish items (spitting, overdoing the name calling, choking, etc) into any and all productions to try to get as broad of a buyer base as possible. This probably is why I remember as a teen a porn video costing the same or more than one does now despite the total change in technical quality (lighting, sound, HD).
Though I am sure there are many exceptions, I think the production end itself is less about putting women down than whatever makes the most cash quickest. Unfortunately it does represent a slippery slope.
headtripover 8 years agoI read what you had to say and I agree with everything but one point, I like being called a slut..in the bedroom. Not everytime, but on occassion I do.
I have a husband and children that I love and respect with all my heart and they love and respect me. As a mother and wife I take my seat of power and honored duty with pride and cherish every moment of it. I teach my children to respect themselves and demand respect from others or leave them alone. When my husband comes to me for advice, my help as a partner, or just a solid person to lean on I'm glad I can be there for him just like I know he's there for me. Do we argue? Hell yes, but we do our best to handle the arguments like adults are supposed to.
The bedroom, when the doors are locked, is our playground where we're free to be as tender, kinky, experimental, and silly as we want to be. Boundaries are always respected.
My sexual preferences are made up of my fantasies and experiences as well. Being over 40, most are from before the advent of the internet, pop culture rarely has a say in what I like in the bedroom, but big deal if does from time to time, it's our bedroom. My sexual experiences range from devastating to extraodinary, as a result they form my kinks and cravings and I'm not ashamed of a single one. If my husband isn't feelin' it we don't do it and vice versa, but we always do our best to satisfy one another no matter how weird or dark the request, just as long no one is hurt.
If something goes wrong we cuddle and talk about it or give each other space until we can. That's what love and intimacy is all about, knowing we're safe to be ourselves without being shamed for it. Liking my hair pulled getting spanked, being called a slut or a whore by someone I know who loves and respects me is never a bad thing, and not something I plan on changing. But I do hear and respect what you are saying, thank you.
della6over 8 years agoThanks for this beautiful essay! I saw myself in your words. Often I find it hard to draw a line between powerful sex and enjoying porn and not identifying with ever-present misnomers. It's like eating a juicy cake topped with poison. Today's social conditioning in porn contains a lot of hate that is totally unnecessary and disturbing. Sex can have an aggressive quality but hate does not naturally come with it.
Once it is possible to see yourself clearly it becomes much easier to define yourself and identify beyond misogynistic mainstream. You are so right: Yes, I like promiscuity, porn and steamy sex AND (no "but" because it's not an antagonism) I am NOT a slut!
The status of porn in society mirrors the status of women in society: Patriarchy holds the power of definition over women because this procedure secures male power. So called "pornography" and "promiscuity" are powerful realms for women because it is potentially here that women define their sexuality by and on their own terms, deciding how, when and with how many individuals they choose to have sex. Labeling non-promiscuous women as "good" and promiscuous ones as "sluts" (=bad) secures the value of patriarchal marriage, thus of inheritance, warfare, fatherhood etc. controlled by patriarchy. Freedom of choice in sexuality is a powerful part of possible (non-)reproduction, thus of the power structure of society and humanity itself.
It sure is a complex matter but simply put: If men held no power over women's sexuality, they couldn't call the shots any longer. Women who choose their sexuality freely, without judgement, choosing to reproduce or not, choose to have fun in every possible way, are seen as a threat to the fundament of society. This threat could very well undermine patriarchy and is in return labeled negatively to weaken it's power.
Seen from this perspective, it is interesting to see that the name-calling has increased over the past 2 decades. I find it very sad because porn could be such fun without the hate + its low status.
We need essays like yours to fuel and change consciousness. Well done!
bob6034over 8 years agoVery well put. I as a man have never thought or called a woman who likes sex, porn and is promiscuous a slut. Let’s face it most men dream of being with a woman like that but are afraid of the fallout from friends and society to admit it. For the better part of my 76 years I have searched for that woman and came close to finding her once but she talked a better game than her actions. Yes I am old and from” the old school” that would never use crude or insulting languish to a woman. The F_ _ _ word is so common now and used by women as much or more than men, but it still makes me uncomfortable. It is one thing to use it in the heat of the moment but not in normal conversations. As for women of color I think they have to follow Queen Latisha’s lead and don’t stand for anything less than respect. (yes, I would do anything with her in a heartbeat)
Again very good. Just wanted to give a man’s take on it.
fanfareover 8 years agoA, I am impressed with the clarity of your points in this essay. In my opinion, the reason for so many stories on this site denigrating women is cultural. A learned response, social conditioning of boys to fear and hate the female. To encourage aggressive domination of the physically weaker.
I understand that in your pubescent years, you only had limited access to vanilla pornography. However, I remember a half century ago and the porn that was available then to white males was a lot more diversified than you experienced. Right up to depicting vicious brutality against females, children and gays.
Historical research shows such learned behavior, stretches far back in our society. In a comment I made to FinalStand's story "WMD", I was mocking the concept of the BBC and Ghetto Gangsta' by pointing out "If genetics is destiny the causation of the caricatures of the "Dangerous Black Man" was the result of centuries of Anglo/Irish/Scott rapists of Black Women. As these groups are notorious for their long history of virulent truculence and villainy."
