I Heard It from a Friend

A letter addressed to my former wife, her response and my victory.

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My dearest woman,

I have given you every opportunity to tell me just what is going on in your life right now. We have been married for eight years and it seems you are not happy with me. I ask you about your trips to your parents house when you go every month and sometimes twice a month but your reply is always the same.

"You know how it is. They are fine and I just want to spend time with them. They are not getting any younger and I do not know how much longer they are going to be around. So I go at least once a month just to check up on them" you always tell me.

Even when I call their house and they answer they always tell me that you have either already turned in or you are in town with some of your girlfriends. You never return my calls. These girls I have never met and you have never tried to introduce me to is beginning to play havoc on our lives as husband and wife. These so-called friends of yours are tearing us apart.

Well you have been going up to your parent's house for eighteen months now and I thought about just driving up to see you. Well that is until the other day while I was at our local watering hole and one of my friends told me that heard it from one of his friends that heard it from one of her friends that you have a boy friend and have been messing around. Knowing this only brings me down. I really thought we loved each other beyond measure.

Darling, I know the neighborhood you grew up in. There are always rumors about someone or something that is only exasperated and blown out of proportion when it gets told over and over again. So I have not put much faith in those stories, even after hearing them over and over again. But I do want to let you know that if they are true that you had better start trying to keep everything in line.

If that is the way you want to play this game, then I really do not want you around. I cannot and will not live with a cheater. I have never cheated and you have always known how I feel about those that do cheat. Right now I do not want to believe it, but you better know it, that I will not be wanting you around. So if it is true baby, then you need to take it on the run baby. Run now while you can. When I return from my business trip and if you are still home I will assume you are still in love with me, but if I find out differently then you both will pay.

Like I said, I do not believe it, do not want to believe it, but if it is true then you need to take it on the run. Also as I said earlier I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend you were fooling around.

Sincerely yours,

Your loving man

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To my loving husband,

Yes, it is true. I have found someone else. I found him when I visited my parents almost two years ago. We have been seeing each other since. At first it was just old friends meeting for a trip down memory lane. But it soon blossomed into a full blown relationship.

Yes it is true I did love you, once. I too thought we had found true love. But as they say "what exactly is true love anyway"?

The relationship between you and me fizzled out almost three years ago. You put your job ahead of me. It is fortunate that we have no children. This way we can make a clean break of it. My new man spends his time and his money on me. He is devoted to me like no other has ever been including you. I did not want you to find out this way but in reality I am glad you did. I never wanted to hurt you in any way but the inevitable was bound to happen.

He is one of my old high school sweethearts and our love for each other never really stopped. We merely went our separate ways when we graduated. We have found each other again. You have nothing I want except out of our marriage.

So you heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend I've messing around. Well now you know it is not just hear say but is in fact a reality. Fair well for now and I hope you can get along without me as I will be getting along without you.

Sincerely yours,

Your former wife

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Dear former wife,

I wish you all the happiness in the world that cheaters live in. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch and his too. I never cheated so I would not know what that side of the fence feels like even though I have had plenty of opportunities. Some of the ladies you invited over for weekend cook outs almost always made themselves available if I so chose to participate. Sorry now that I did not.

You will be receiving divorce papers through the mail at your parent's home shortly. All you will need to do is sign them. After signing them, return them to my lawyer's office and wait ninety days and it will become official. You do not even have to show up in court.

May you and your new guy rot in the hell you are putting me through.

Disrespectfully yours,

Your soon to be ex-husband

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To my soon to be ex-husband,

Thank you for your "blessing" of my new relationship. He and I will be very happy now that we do not have to sneak around. I have received, signed and returned the papers to your lawyer's office. In another ninety days I will be free to marry my guy. Good bye and I hope we never see or hear about each other again.

Getting over you quickly,

Your now ex-wife

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For those that have decided to continue reading this dribble, the husband or now ex-husband had the best revenge of all. Exactly one-hundred days later the headlines of the syndicated paper that ran in both cities ran headlines that simply stated the following...

LOCAL MAN HIT MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY

It appears that our young man that had gotten cheated on and won his state's lottery for fourteen million dollars. His ex-wife had already gotten married just ninety-one days after their divorce became final. Our young man is now on one of those around the world cruises with one of the cruise lines and probably looking for love in all the wrong places.

For those of you that think cheaters never have to pay for their sins against their former spouses, then you should probably think your situation over again. Because what goes around...comes around.