I Keep Reaching Ch. 06

We were silent for a few more minutes as I ate my food. Eventually, Chloe asked, "Are you okay?"

"Of course. Why do you ask?" I responded.

"It's just..I haven't seen you in a while."

"I'm fine," I explained. "I just assumed you were hanging out with Kyle."

It's difficult to explain, but Chloe made me a stronger person. Regardless of the impact our relationship was having on my life, I wanted to be strong for her. I wanted her to succeed and be happy, even if I didn't have those things.

"Kyle?" Chloe asked. "Oh, no, nothing like that. I, uhh, broke things off with him a few weeks ago. He's kind of a dummy," she laughed.

I felt the unyielding grasp on my chest that stemmed my numbness relax. Her words were like magic on my unconscious mind as I felt the rush of endorphins and feelings return to me. The moment was short-lived, however, as I realized this changed nothing about our situation. I was still her brother.

Still, I was elated. My depression was rooted heavily in the thought that Chloe and Kyle had been dating this whole time. But they hadn't been dating, not even since the party, and it had been me who went home with Chloe that night.

The miracle happening in my brain left me silent for a short time before I tried to lighten the mood and said, "I'm kind of a dummy."

Chloe couldn't contain her smile as her mouth opened, revealing her straight white teeth.

"Yeah," she laughed, reaching across the table with her right hand and placing it on top of my left, "but you're my dumb brother."

****

That evening, I went to basketball practice. It was a short practice held in the secondary auditorium as we had a home game shortly after. I apologized profusely to my teammates about missing the last two practices and was thoroughly grilled by my coach about the merits of responsibility and 'being an adult.'

The stadium was a large, dome shaped structure with a basketball court in the center with seating in a circular pattern around it. It was another critically important game, especially after the loss from two weeks prior which I felt responsible for, so I doubled my efforts and played my heart out. Chloe was in the stadium, cheering the team on. We won by a landslide.

After the game, I was too tired to drive home so Chloe and I made plans to drive home early the next morning. Chloe was standing in front of me outside the stadium, holding both my hands as she applauded my performance and told me how proud of me she was. I didn't even care about the basketball game, I was just happy to be near Chloe again. It was a bittersweet feeling, though, being so close to her and not being able to sweep her into my arms, kiss her gently on the lips and tell her how I wished things were different.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning, then" she said, smiling up at me.

"Tomorrow morning," I assured her.

Then Chloe kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand. Talking and laughing, we walked back to my dorm room, hand in hand, where we said our goodnights and separated.

****

When I got upstairs, I felt energized. Even though my body was limp and tired from hours of basketball, my mind was sharp and focused. I didn't know how long the feeling would last, Chloe's role no doubt being critical and unpredictable, but I used it. I had a lot of things I needed to fix. The first of which presented itself to me the moment I opened the door to my dorm room.

"Hey, Robert," I greeted.

He turned to acknowledge me from his desk and nodded. "You went to the game?" he asked.

"Yeah. Listen, I want to apologize for the way I acted yesterday," I said, walking towards him and standing in the center of the room.

"Don't mention it," Robert said, dismissively. He turned back to his desk and returned to his homework.

"Wait," I insisted.

Robert leaned back in his chair and rolled his neck theatrically before standing from his chair. He moved to the edge of his bed and sat down. "What?" he asked.

Sitting down on my bed opposite of him, I said, "I was a huge dick yesterday. I didn't mean what I said. I'm really sorry." Robert had his arms crossed and was staring at the floor between us as I continued, "You're like a brother to me, man."

Robert started nodding his head, still staring at the floor before looking up at me. "You, too," he responded.

I stood up and motioned for Robert to join me. He pushed himself off the bed and stood up in front me. I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him. Reluctantly, he returned my hug as I patted him on the back.

"Now don't get all sappy on me," he said, pulling away.

We laughed and talked about the game for a short while before I moved to my desk.

With one obstacle out of the way, I had a lot of catching up to do with homework. I'd have to catch up later on some of the homework but some of my classes had online schedules that I could check and see what I needed to do. It turned out to be less work that I thought it would be.

After some beers and an hour or so of playing Street Fighter with Robert, I tried to fall asleep. As was my normal sleeping ritual, I plugged my ears with my expensive bass thumping earbuds and listened to my favorite Pandora station on my phone.

I wasn't sure if it was normal behavior or if it was unique to me, but I often did my most critical thinking when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep. It was unfortunate, as a highly active mind is slow to fall asleep; nevertheless this was my way. My eyes were closed as I listened to the music, my mind revisiting the events of the day.

I mentioned previously that I had once gone through a similar ordeal with depression and how Robert had pulled me out of it. It seemed that, once again, he had helped me. Whether intentionally or inadvertently, spending a lazy evening playing video games with Robert lifted my spirits.

My thoughts branched out, expertly weaving through possible outcomes, and I committed myself to returning to class the following Monday.

As the familiar sounds of electronic music blasted away in my ears, I also thought of Chloe. Of course, she also played an important role in my mental gridlock. Whether I liked it or not, I needed her in my life and likely always would. I was happy that we were on speaking terms again but again felt the familiar, bittersweet pangs of sadness from the realization that I could never truly have her. It was clear to me, as my thoughts veered and speculated on possible futures, that without Chloe, I would never be truly happy.

My eyes were feel heavy with fatigue as an unfamiliar song started to play. The music started with a light, synthetic melody thumping in the background as a female vocalist began to sing:

I keep reaching,

But you're not reaching back

The song had an interstellar tone to it that I found intriguing. It sounded like something from, literally, out of this world. Moreover, the female vocalist sounded like she was singing from very far away, although her words were clear and easily discernable. I was immediately pulled into a world of euphoria as I listened to a song unlike any I had heard before.

At the end of each verse, the vocalist's voice hung on the last word, each syllable agonizingly pushed and dragged up and down the musical scale until she ran out of oxygen. The vocalist was singing to her distant lover, I realized, describing how she felt a million miles away from him yet right next to him. The rest of the lyrics were more of the same, as is typically the case with electronic music, but as the song progressed, the sweet, charming melody progressed into a chorus that can only be described as powerful.

At first, I thought the song was trance or a similar sub-genre; but the song seemed to be melding seamlessly between various electronic genres, including trance, house and even dubstep. But unlike other versions of dubstep that I'd heard in the past, the wobbly bass noises that could scarcely be called music, this song's use of dubstep was beautifully fused into the music, only making it more poignant and powerful.

As the tragic, cinematic sounds of the chorus played on, the vocalist begged the question, "Why are we worlds apart?" over and over again.

As the song came to a close, my fatigue was replaced with resonating interest, as was typically the case when I heard a good song. Admittedly, the lyrics confused me at first. I looked at my phone and discovered the song was called "Worlds Apart" by Seven Lions. I opened the YouTube app on my phone and searched for the song.

After listening to it again and analysing the lyrics more critically, I speculated that the song was a love poem between the moon and the ocean. I found the simplicity of the concept to be simultaneously charming and gut wrenching. I thought of how dejected it would feel to float in space so close to the one you love, but be trapped in an orbit that's out of your control, to be so close yet forever out of reach. The poem's simple yet tragic use of personification struck a chord deep within me, and I felt my eyes begin to water.

It was shocking to discover such a song. The message the song represented, although otherworldly and science fictional in form, was so strikingly similar to my situation with Chloe that I felt overwhelmed with emotion. How could a song like this possibly exist? I wondered. I turned over in my bed and quietly sobbed into my pillow, unable to suppress my sorrow any longer.

Initially, after reading the lyrics, I was naive enough to think that the words were from my perspective, that it was me who was reaching out to Chloe. As I relistened to the song again and again, I realized I was mistaken.

From the very beginning, it was Chloe who insisted that she had missed me, the words 'I've wanted this' echoing in my head. It was Chloe who had sneaked into my bedroom after I explained to her that our relationship wouldn't be possible. It was Chloe who dragged me around that mall and lured me into that dressing room. It was Chloe who insisted that I make love to her in that dimly lit closet. It was Chloe who had clung to me for months, despite everything I had told her.

The vocalist's words were full of sadness and despair as she mourned her distant lover. It was Chloe who was singing the words, not me, I realized. Did Chloe feel similarly despaired and hopeless? I dreaded, the tears freely rolling down my face. What have I done?

I was overwhelmed with fear and guilt as I realized the grave error I had made. I never should have pushed Chloe away and if the past few weeks had been any indication, then I clearly needed Chloe as much as she needed me, if not more so.

She's not reaching out anymore, I realized. A troubling question passed through my mind as I came to terms with my horrible, foolish mistake: Has Chloe given up on me?

The two of us were soulmates and she had been reminding me of that fact for months now and I had systematically rejected her at every turn. In my efforts to make Chloe's life easier, by keeping my distance from her, I was accomplishing exactly the opposite. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I ridiculed myself.

As I lifted from my bed and sat down on the edge, I realized Robert was awake, staring at his phone. I wasn't sure if he had been awake the whole time or if my sobs had awoken him.

As if he had been reading my thoughts, he said, "She's just down the street, man."

"I'm going to go get her," I said with confidence.

Usually I slept in in my underwear, so I fumbled with my shoes for a few seconds before realizing I didn't have pants on. After a few deep breaths, I put on a clean shirt and some jeans and slipped on the closest shoes I could find: my red basketball sneakers.

"Good luck," Robert cheered as I stormed out of the dorm room.

****

I was lying in bed, staring at my phone as my roommate Jessica slept on the other side of my small dorm room. I didn't think she liked me very much as I had been pretty emotionally unpredictable over the last couple weeks. I loved college; I loved all the stuff you could do and how busy I was all the time, but sometimes I just felt sad about how things were going with Erik.

I was certain Erik would get over the whole 'incest is wrong' nonsense after what had happened at the party, but if anything, it had only made things worse. I was disappointed, of course, but how could I be angry at him? I instigated the whole thing after all, texting Robert and suggesting that he dare Erik to drag me into the closet. You can do a lot of damage from a cell phone, apparently. The next morning, I "dumped" Kyle, of course. I marked that failed attempt at making Erik jealous as failure number two. Kyle was a nice guy, but he wasn't Erik.

Then he lied to me, said he "didn't remember." Of course he remembered, it was unforgettable. We promised to never keep things from each other, yet he lied to me. Obviously he was trying to be valiant and noble and all that, but who cares about all that? I just wanted him!

It felt different after our conversation in the cafeteria that morning. Before, I felt like I could just play along until he got over it and saw what I saw. But after the party, after the cafeteria, he seemed to be keeping to his word to stay away and it hurt me. I couldn't bear the thought of rejection again so I distanced myself from him. That is, until I texted him earlier this afternoon. I couldn't help it, I missed him.

It was late, shortly after midnight, when I heard loud knocking on the door, five quick knocks followed by two slow knocks. I felt butterflies in my stomach as I realized it was Erik at the door.

"Stay in bed Jessica, I'll get it," I said, climbing out of bed.

I was wearing one of Erik's old t-shirts as a nightgown as I walked towards the door. I opened the door and found Erik standing in the hallway, breathing heavily. It was barely above freezing outside, and he wasn't wearing a jacket. Did he run all the way here? I wondered.

"Can we talk?" he asked, catching his breath.

"Sure," I said, walking outside the room and closing the door behind me. The old t-shirt extended well past my waist so I wasn't too concerned with modesty.

When I closed the door and turned towards Erik, he immediately grabbed the curve of my lower back and pulled me into his arms. Before I had a chance to think, his mouth was on mine, kissing me.

****

I couldn't help it, seeing her long auburn hair running over her shoulders as she stood wearing one of my old, stupid t-shirts, I plunged at her like an animal and pulled her into my arms and kissed her.

Chloe yelped from my suddenness but quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and returned my kiss. I kissed her lovingly and adoringly as I held her, trying to express my true love for her in ways I knew words would fail. As was her way, she opened her mouth and rubbed her tongue against my lips, inviting my tongue to join hers. God, I loved it when she did that. Without hesitation, I met with her tongue with mine and ran my hands down her body and cupped her ass with my hands. I was getting dizzy with lust from the taste of spearmint toothpaste in her mouth and the smell of her watermelon shampoo. I gave her panty clad ass one last squeeze, pulling her into my crotch, and pulled away.

"Sorry," I said, panting.

Chloe's face and lips were flushed as she pulled down on her t-shirt and nervously looked left and right down the hallway to see if anyone had spotted us. After confirming we were alone, she bit her bottom lip and started up at me, her eyes revealing her desire for more.

I grabbed her around the waist, over the baggy t-shirt, and pulled her towards me. "Chloe," I explained. "I'm sorry."

Chloe squinted her eyes, turning her head in curiousity, and stared at me for a few moments before asking, "Sorry for what, exactly?"

I took a breath and tried to focus my thoughts. "I'm sorry for pushing you away."

I paused for a moment, trying to organize the words in my head before I spoke again. "I thought it was the right thing to do, for you. I was wrong -- I know that now, and I can't live without you, Chloe."

Chloe covered her mouth with the back of her fist as tears ran down her cheeks.

"I'm in love with you. Can you forgive me?" I pleaded.

Chloe pulled her hand away, bobbing her head up and down. "Yes," she cried, wrapping her arms around my back and hugging me. "Yes!"

I hugged her back and held her in my arms for a long time. Eventually, she pulled back and smiled up at me.

"Erik," she said. "Kiss me."

With my right hand supporting her lower back, my left hand gently wiped the tears from her face as she smiled up at me. With the back of my fingers still caressing her face, I moved my face closer to hers as she met me halfway.

I kissed her tenderly on the lips, trying to convey my contrition by allowing her to control how quickly things were going to go. Our kiss was gentle and full of love but eventually, under no control of my own, our kiss progressed into a french kiss. It was still slow and gentle as our tongues danced between our mouths. I could have kissed her like this for hours but after what was only a few minutes, Chloe pulled away.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me into her dorm room. The room was mostly dark, just a small amount of moonlight shined in through the window. She turned around when we got inside, closing the door, and pushed her lips onto mine. I hungrily returned her kiss as she guided me with her arms. We moved across the room, connected at the mouth, to her bed and continued our passionate kissing as we sat down. I was vaguely aware of seeing a lump on Chloe's roommate's bed. Perhaps it was Jessica, sleeping, but I didn't care.

I had immensely missed the feeling of her wet, sloppy mouth on mine and soared into a world of euphoria as Chloe lured my tongue between her lips. We stopped, briefly, to catch our breaths before I pushed her onto the bed and attacked her again. Chloe hands were on the back of my head, swirling my hair in her fingers, as our faces were angled for easier access. Our mouths were agape, willingly and relentlessly exchanging saliva like the horny teenagers we were.

Eventually we scooted up and were lying horizontally down the length of her twin sized dormitory bed. Chloe started moaning into my persistent lips as my hand started roughly massaging her bra clad breasts over the baggy t-shirt, the "Mmm...Mmmm" of her moans vibrating against my lips. But I was no imbecile, I was fully aware that under my old t-shirt that Chloe now used as sleeping attire was a tight, slender body with large, perfect breasts that could cure a man's blindness.

I pulled away from Chloe's lips and stared down at her. The curtains of the dorm room's only window parted in the middle allowing moonlight to shine off Chloe's hazel eyes. Her lips and chin were glistening in our combined spit, her eyes and facial expression full of lust and need.

I quickly rolled off Chloe and pulled her by the armpits to a sitting position. Chloe lunged at me, again, and plunged her tongue between my lips. With both hands, I pulled the t-shirt up from under her but she was sitting on it, causing the material to stretch in my fingers. Unwilling to compromise, I yanked the shirt up as hard as I could, the force causing Chloe's body to lift off the bed momentarily. Now unpinned, I pulled the shirt up her body, breaking our heated kiss.

Chloe reached behind her and unclasped her bra and tossed it on the floor before I pushed her back onto the center of the bed and devoured her left nipple. The small, eraser sized nub was already hard before I started lapping at it with my tongue. My right hand immediately went to her right breast, squeezing and fondling the spongy flesh between my fingers as Chloe moaned and pulled my head into her chest.