I Want You To Know I'm Watching

Excerpts from the personal diary of Kim Jiang.

(Submitted for the 2018 April Fool's Day contest.)

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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2018:

Today I finally admitted to myself the distinct possibility that I will die alone in a bathtub, still clutching a glass of cheap red wine with which to drown my sorrows.

It was bad enough when Lauren was still here, enjoying her boyfriend as if I weren't laying there right in the next room, wrapping a pillow around my head to muffle the sounds of her weird orgasms. Now it's worse, because I'm sitting here alone, wallowing in self-pity while she's away for six months in Paris, possibility meeting her future Breton-striped French husband, brimming with je ne sais quoi. Abandoning me for a life of amazing cheese, wine, and macarons.

Fortunately, today I had the distinct pleasure of sorting the less-than-exciting responses to my ad for a short-term roommate into "creepy" and "non-creepy" piles. It felt great to select seven of the former variety and hit delete. However, being left with exactly two in the other pile? Not so much...

I'd rather be by myself, but alas, Lauren is Lauren. "They can sleep in my bed," she said. "They can read my books, use my computer, just as long as they cover my portion of the fucking rent." Ugh.

Still... arriving soon after the response from Julie-Weiss-who's-not-creepy-but-asked-if-she-can-move-her-boyfriend-in came a nice message from this David Napolitano fella. I've been making up stories about him all day:

He's extremely clean. Polite. Always has a pot of tomato sauce bubbling away on the stove (on account of his last name). David dresses fashionably, but understated, preferring not to call too much attention to himself. He loves his mother (but not too much) and enjoys taking me on vacation to his ancestral village of Sottomarina, a small seaside village on the outskirts of Venice.

But yikes. -- Am I ready for a male roommate, however hot and Italian he is? Is it weird that I've never experienced that before? Does it get all freaky and weird and sexual? ... can it?!

I find myself wondering why I still write these stupid journal entries. But I keep telling myself that someday, somehow, I'll end up logging something thrilling. Something worth going back and reading again...

SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2018:

Okay, I met David today...

First of all, before he arrived at the cafe, I texted with Jun for moral support. She was going on about how he might turn out to be another addition to the creepy list. How he might smell. How he might never do the dishes. Oh -- she even claimed that he'd fish my panties out of the hamper when I wasn't home. She wouldn't stop calling him panty-sniffer. Jun was laughing, and laughing, and laughing. I'll admit I was getting nervous and wanted to run, but then he showed up, spotting me immediately, being the only Asian girl sitting there.

Jesus Christ.

Picture the cutest, slightly nerdy, super intelligent, shy but well-spoken grad student with glasses, who needs a short term rental while settling into his research position. Then picture him with the body of an underwear model. -- That's him. -- That's my new roommate that I went right ahead and approved on the spot.

I just sat there like a drooling idiot listening to him answer my interview questions, and wondering, "Why can I not be on a date here? Why do I end up with a guy like this for no other reason than the fact that I need to save Lauren some money? Is it karma? Did I piss off men so much in my past life that no one wants anything to do with me? Or am I just not putting myself out there enough?"

I mean... seriously? I hope Lauren meets the man of her dreams and doesn't come back.

So, let's go through that checklist:

Handsome? Yup.

Clean? Seems so.

Polite? Check!

Tomato sauce? Loves to cook.

Dress? Understated/fashionable.

Loves his mother? Didn't ask, but I suspect as much.

Seaside village? TBD.

I'm listening to the silence of this apartment right now. Am I ready to let go of the peace and quiet? I'm not sure. Could he convince me? Hell yes! Could he disappoint me with a girlfriend or surprise fiancée? Meh.

I don't know... I don't know... but away we go.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2018:

David finally moved into today! He's already working hard to demonstrate his responsibility, offering to divide up the household chores. It was nice to sit on the couch with a glass of wine for once and not have to do the dishes. He's kinda like the hot male housecleaner I always wanted.

To welcome him, I made a Chinese dish that my mom used to make me and my brother: sweet and spicy stir-fried shrimp with scallions. Nailed it. Maybe I was trying to share with him a little something of myself and my family's culture. Maybe I was just hoping for a little of the same magic that my mom experienced, given how many times I'd heard the story about how she won my dad over with that dish. They DO say that food is the key to a man's heart. (As far as I'm concerned, it's also the key to a woman's!)

Anyway, it might have worked a little.

We spent most of the evening chatting about ourselves, back and forth. He talked at length about his research, providing a lot of technical info that was of absolutely no interest to me, but which afforded plenty of time to study the faint dimples that form now and then as he speaks.

I said, "yeah -- I know -- oh definitely," and blathered on like an idiot. At one point he got the sense that I had no idea what he was talking about, and asked.

"Nope!" I said, "But it's still interesting!"

He laughed, claiming that he was boring me, and I continued to make a fool of myself. But here's the important point: I said, "You've probably got a girlfriend that's plenty happy to be bored." I realized I was making it obvious that I was fishing, but he just groaned.

"No girlfriend," he sighed. "There's not enough time to meet anyone when you're so wrapped up in work."

I sighed and said I knew the feeling. Yeah, it was awkward, but a revealing night nonetheless...

FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2018:

It's been about a week since David moved in. He's basically my boyfriend now-- he just doesn't know it.

We spend a lot of time together in the evening, ordering delivery, drinking wine, and watching TV. We're both eager to bore each other with stuff about work. Over the weekend we went on a food crawl together. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, because the other people on our team thought we were a couple. If I'm not careful I think I might mix up reality and fantasy and accidentally tell someone how long we've been together. How funny it would be if I accidentally revealed I have a whole backstory for "us."

But HOLY SHIT nothing could have prepared me for what happened tonight... No amount of becoming familiar with David would have ever suggested to me just HOW familiar I was about to become with... certain matters.

It happened like this:

I was on my computer, just trying to connect to the wifi printer in the living room. All these things started showing up, and I can never remember what the printer is called, so I just kinda started choosing different devices. When I picked one, some video thing popped up... IT'S LAUREN'S FUCKING WEB CAM. She has it set up on a bookshelf with a whole shot of her room. Why the hell would she do that? (Well... since it prominently reveals her bed, I suppose I can imagine what she and her ex-boyfriend used it for.)

Anyway, this translucent box briefly shows up to say I'm connected, and then I found myself looking at the inside of her bedroom. David's sitting there at her computer, shirtless, wearing only a pair of boxers. At first I was like, "Oh man, this is wrong," but it was fascinating! He clearly had no idea that I could see him. I watched him for a while, but he wasn't really doing anything, and I started to feel creepy, so I closed the window and went back to trying to figure out the printer.

The thing is... later I was lying in bed, still thinking about the web cam. I mean, I can just connect to it any time and see what David's doing. I basically couldn't not check it again, right? So I got up and tried to do whatever I did before. David is still sitting there in the glow of the computer screen, only this time I can make out some movement. I can't quite make out what it is at first, then I suddenly realize: he's watching porn! My heart started racing. I felt guilty, but I couldn't look away.

And that's not all! I noticed he had a bulge in his boxers. So I'm sitting there staring at it for a while... and imagine my surprise when he suddenly stands up and tugs them down! There I am... spying on my male roommate... checking out his gigantic, erect penis. It's just... there. Sticking straight out in the air. And he has absolutely no idea that I'm looking right at it.

At this point I pick my jaw off the floor and continue watching, of course. David reached down and started stroking himself while watching the video. At this point, I'm starting to feel like joining in. My panties are already pretty damp. But I'm just zeroed in on David, who's really getting into it. I can almost feel his pleasure as he begins to lean back and sink into the chair, while his hand glides smoothly up and down the full length of his shaft.

It didn't stop there, either. Admittedly I've seen my share of porn, but I honestly don't think I've really watched a guy masturbate before, so I didn't know what to expect. He got up and grabbed a tissue, leaving the video playing full screen. Then he walked over to the futon, with his giant boner swinging all over the place. He grabbed Lauren's pillow and folded it in half, making a little hollow, and then inserted his penis inside.

My heart was pounding as I sat there watching David desperately humping her pillow, thrusting his penis into the little hole that he made to emulate a vagina. I had no idea that guys did this!!

I have to say, he was achieving quite a workout for his butt. His fine ass repeatedly popped up in the air then scooped downward in a fluid rocking motion. I zeroed in on his bucking hips and tight, clenched cheeks as they contracted and then relaxed. The pillow kept crushing under the weight of his body as he thrusted against it, while his body tensed up and strained with adorable ambition. It must have felt as good as it looked, because he leaned down and buried his face in the messy pile of sheets, as if groaning.

Watching his straining buttocks while he was helplessly grinding against the pillow was making me seriously wet, so I started rubbing myself through my panties. I can't express just how hot it was to see David so desperate to pretend that the pillow was a woman, burying himself deep inside her, moving against her affectionately.

I wanted so badly to be that woman. I don't know how much of it was sympathy and how much was jealousy.

Part of me felt bad that I was able to witness this in secret, without him knowing, realizing how mortified I'd be if I ever found out someone did that to me. On the other hand, I was out of my mind with excitement. When I slipped my hand into my panties my fingers were instantly coated. David had made me so wet that I knew I'd have to change by the time I was done.

Eventually I just accepted how much I was loving this. I just let go, frantically rubbing my pussy while David swung his hips back and forth, driving that big cock of his through the folds of the pillow.

Suddenly, David flung Lauren's pillow out of the way. He grasped his erection with one hand, and frantically reached for the tissue with the other. I stopped breathing and leaned in close to the screen. His began to urgently stroke himself as quickly as possible, writhing with pleasure. I could see written across his face how badly he wanted to feel a final release. In my mind I was cheering him on, excited to see that for myself. He was mouthing words that I could not hear, jerking his hips as he pumped that amazing cock.

Then, without warning, he collapsed partly forward, holding the tissue in front of his penis as his strokes slowed down, his body softly spasming with pleasure. I love how helpless a guy looks when he comes. How it overtakes his whole body, rendering him utterly powerless in the face of total, unrelenting gratification.

When he finished filling his tissue, he fell back onto the futon, his chest heaving rapidly. I found myself absolutely soaking. I quickly disconnected from the web cam so that I could clean up, and then raced to bed, my heart pounding and my mind spinning with an incredible arousal and nonstop thoughts about what I had just witnessed.

There's no way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. There's simply no way...

SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 2018:

This morning David went out to Brooklyn to hang out with a friend.

I took a long shower, um... "thinking" about the night before. Needless to say, it was probably the best and most satisfying shower I've had in a long time. Kind of epic, actually. But then I moved on to the mundane task of shaving. I'm not interested in putting in the effort to shave myself completely, but I'll trim the hedges at least. I tell myself that guys don't want a mouthful of hair down there, but who am I kidding? I don't have too many experiences under my belt to base that on. And it's not like my fantasies about David are ever going to come true, such that it would even matter what the hell I look like down there.

LOL, I should just shave a fucking lightning bolt into my pubes or something, just because no one would ever see it anyway. I think I could stroll down the street rocking some zig-zaggy Bride of Frankenstein shit like that in secret. I could be the crazy woman laughing for seemingly no particular reason. But no, it's really because there's a monster party going on down there.

The weird thing is-- as fun as the shower was, I apparently hadn't had enough of it; still reeling from the night before. After I got out of the shower, I opened the door a crack and peeked out to make sure I was really alone. I've never actually walked through the apartment naked before... I guess I never really had a reason to. And besides, Lauren was often home at that time. Anyway, I marched my naked ass straight into David's room. I stood there, completely nude, right out in the open, laughing at the fact that he'd never know a naked woman was in his bedroom today.

I walked over to his chair. Last night his balls were resting right there, right on that spot. I climbed onto it, straddling my legs to either side. I swear, my heart was beating so fast that I'm surprised I didn't pass out and have him come home to find me lying naked on the floor. I was basically just clutching my towel, eyes glued to the door, in case he'd return for some reason and I had to make a run for it. At least then he'd just catch me standing in my towel in the kitchen.

I began to grind against his chair, pretending I was in his lap. This was SUPER HOT, but it was difficult to maintain contact between my clit and the seat cushion. Somehow I was bold enough to actually go to his bed next. I laid down on the pillow he fucked. I buried my face in it, but couldn't really detect the scent of his body. I had to make do with imagining what it was like, instead: deep, masculine, earthy.

Then I thought, "What if I left my own scent there on his pillow, to inflame his desires and force him to succumb to my wily, feminine charms?" My heart was still pounding. I kept imagining hearing the key in the lock, even though I knew he was long gone. Somehow the risk made it all that much hotter.

I quickly grabbed the pillow and folded it in half, eager to produce the right firmness in the resulting spine, which would be far easier to position against my swollen clit. I climbed atop it, straddling my legs to either side, and began with a slow thrusting motion, squeezing my thighs tightly against the sides of the pillow. Once I achieved the proper amount of friction, I began to drag my clit over the hard ridge faster and faster, alternating between circles and a back-and-forth motion. Just like the pillow had been a woman for David, it was a man for me. A man I was riding, grinding against, humping with precise control for maximum pleasure.

Dizzy with self-indulgence, I soon felt myself gushing, so I pulled the pillow out from between my legs and found a big damp spot. Oops!

I'll admit, I sniffed it. Is that gross? It smelled like me, that's for damn sure. I wondered if he'd go to bed that night, put his head down, and catch a faint whiff of my body. Would that make him dream of me? Would he lie in bed fantasizing about making love together?

Anyway, not that I'd actually admit this to anyone, but: David - makes - me - fucking - horny. There, I said it.

So... of course I watched him again tonight.

Now that I know I can just connect to the webcam at any time, I fear I might get addicted-- but it's so fascinating! The poor guy sits there going at it, thinking he has complete privacy, with absolutely no idea that I'm watching him stroke his own cock! At more or less the same time tonight, he started watching porn again. He must really be dealing with some pent-up desire. David briefly stood up to pull his clothes off, then sat down on Lauren's chair with his magnificent swollen cock sticking straight up in the air, reaching for the sky.

Let me just say-- it's really beautiful. It's big, but not intimidating-big. I could work with that. It's decently thick and has a perfectly shaped, mushroom-like glans. I kinda want to give it a name. And draw it in a big sketch pad while sipping hot tea. We can be best buddies, go everywhere and do everything together.

I had to get out my vibe. I sat there holding it against my panties while my body was on fire, watching this gorgeous man's private moment. Finally I just said fuck it. I left the cam open, undressed completely, and got into bed. Moments later, it was a party. How funny that David and I were probably just a few feet away from each other, each of us solidly going at it, while he had no idea.

Poor Alessandro looked like he was feeling left out, staring at me with his soulful, deep brown eyes. For a giant stuffed teddy bear, he has a lot of complicated feelings, but I'm not here to be his therapist. Sadly, he's the only guy I've had sex with in months. NO, I'm not into doing animals... Alessandro can pretend to be a real live man if he wants. Don't judge me until you've felt that cute button nose grinding against your lady bits...

Anyway, Alessandro sat there and had to watch as I became an increasingly liquid mess. Some days my clit is so sensitive it's almost painful. I think David just has my juices flowing to the point where I can barely walk without risk of accidental overstimulation from the mere brushing of my thighs. I tucked my vibe under my pillow and climbed on top of it like I had done in his bedroom earlier. I began to grind it, pretending I was riding David. God-- watching him tug at his own swollen cock while I hump the hard ridge of a folded pillow is about as close as it gets to pure self-indulgent bliss for me.

And damn, I was pretty ruthless. I've never fucked a pillow so hard and fast, gazing at David's exquisite, stiff penis dancing on the screen as if it were an x-rated screen saver. At some point the monitor went to sleep, but I kept going, feeling the soft vibrations humming through the sturdy fabric to meet my body. I whipped my hips back and forth, rubbing my pussy furiously against what I imagined to be his naked body, until my pillow was soaking wet with my own cum. I think I may accidentally have even said his name out loud once or twice.

There's nothing like a good orgasm to relax me. I just collapsed next to Alessandro, with the pillow still sandwiched between my legs, moaning softly as my body still twitched in the shadows, aching for more. Or perhaps for the real thing. Argh!