If Great Authors Wrote Porn #05

If Great Authors Wrote Porn #05 Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many scholarly theses have been written on the subject of Shakespearean bawdry. The Bard of Avon was no prude and sprinkled rude jokes through his plays for the edification of the audience in the pit. However, the majority of them are obscure to the modern reader because of changes in vulgar slang over the centuries. Herewith I offer my humble imagination of how he might write porn for the modern mind. I have no doubt it will be the subject of much criticism as even the original has over the centuries.

ACT I
Scene I A Street in Venice.

(Enter ANTONIO and Bassanio, in conversation)

ANTONIO
Well, tell me now what lady is the same
To whom you swore a secret pilgrimage,
To bring her pussy's sweetness soft to bed
That you to-day promised to tell me of?

BASSANIO
Of all of men who chase the fairest flower
That ever women hid between their legs,
I owe the most, in money and in love,
And from your love I have a warranty
To unburden all my plots and purposes
How to get clear of all the debts I owe.

ANTONIO
I pray you, good Bassanio, let me know it;
And if it stand, as yet your cock still does
To pierce the depth of this maid's pussy sweet,
My purse, my person, my extremest means,
Lie all unlock'd to your occasions.

BASSANIO
In Belmont is a lady richly left;
And she is fair, and so doth have such boobs,
Of wondrous virtue: sometimes from her eyes
I did receive fair speechless messages:
Her name is Portia, nothing undervalued
To Cato's daughter, Brutus' Portia:
Nor is the wide world ignorant of her cunt,
For the four winds blow in from every coast
Hard cocked suitors, and her sunny hair
Lies fair upon her pussy down below.
O my Antonio, had I but the means
To hold my cock along with one of them,
I have a mind presages me such thrift,
That I should questionless be fucking her anon!

ANTONIO
That shall be rack'd, even to the uttermost,
To furnish thee to Portia's boobs and ass.
Go, presently inquire, and so will I,
Where money is, and I no question make
To have it of my trust or for my sake.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II Portia's bedchamber

PORTIA
The length of a cock may be the measure of a man,
But this reasoning is not in the fashion to
choose me a husband. O me, the word 'choose!' I may
neither choose which cock I like nor dislike;
so is the will of a daughter's pussy curbed
by the will of a dead father. Is it not hard,
Yea, as hard as the cocks which do stand waiting for me,
Jessica, that I cannot choose one nor refuse none?

JESSICA
My father Shylock is a Jew and a money-lender;
And yet tween you and me true friendship grows.
As our fathers were different so are we alike.
My father is strict and allows me no cock to seek.
Your father was ever virtuous; therefore the lottery,
that his will devised in these three cloths of gold,
silver and linen, whereof who chooses your pussy
shall have thy troth. But those whose cocks drive them,
these princely suitors that are already here
though here they have not yet come,
what now, when do they hazard a choice?

PORTIA
I pray thee, over-name them; and as thou namest
them, I will describe their rods; and, according to my
description, level at my affection.

JESSICA
First, there is the Moorish prince.

PORTIA
Ay, that's a colt indeed, for he doth nothing but
talk of his horse; and vaunts it about that he is
e'en so hung himself. I am much afeard my lady his
mother was fucked by a blacksmith.

JESSICA
Then how likes thou the Count of Arragon?

PORTIA
Very vilely in the morning, when he is sober, and
most vilely in the afternoon, when he is drunk: when
he arises his shaft is hard and he doth piss it away, and
when he is drunk it doth fall so low I cannot find it.
He is little better than a beast:
and the worst fall that ever fell, I hope I shall
make shift to not be fucked by him.

JESSICA
If he should offer to choose, and choose the right
cloth, you should refuse to perform your father's
will, if you should refuse to give him your cunt.

PORTIA
If I live to be as old as Sibylla, I will die as
chaste as Diana, unless I be obtained by the manner
of my father's will. Therefore, for fear of the worst,
set a deep glass of rhenish wine on the contrary drape,
for if the devil be within and that temptation
without, I know he will choose it rather than my pussy.

JESSICA
And Bassiano, he who makes the third
To lust to taste thy cunt juice, lady?

PORTIA
Now of the lot, methinks he pleases best,
If only his prick does have the length of
those lonesome shanks, and if only his
purse did have the length of his prick,
then should I wish that he may endeavor
to lift the cloth that doth my pussy hide.

(Enter a Serving-man)

How now! what news?

SERVANT
Tonight, Madam, they shall make their choices.

(Exit serving man)

PORTIA
So tonight is my pussy to be displayed for all
And hard cocks to make play to enter it
By this auction of choosing cloths.

(Exeunt)

SCENE III. Venice. A public place.

(Enter BASSANIO and SHYLOCK )

SHYLOCK
Three thousand ducats; well.

BASSANIO
Ay, sir, for three months. For the which, as I told you, Antonio shall be bound.

SHYLOCK
Antonio shall become bound; well.

BASSANIO
May you stead me? will you say me yes? shall I
know your answer?

SHYLOCK
Antonio is a good man. Oh, no, no, no, no: my meaning in saying he is a
good man is to have you understand me that he is
sufficient. Three thousand ducats; I think I may
take his bond. I will be assured I may; and, that I may be assured,
I will bethink me. May I speak with Antonio?

(Enter ANTONIO)

BASSANIO
This is Signior Antonio.

SHYLOCK
This kindness will I show.
Go with me to a notary, seal me there
Your single bond; and, in a merry sport,
If you repay me not on such a day,
In such a place, such sum or sums as are
Express'd in the condition, let the forfeit
Be nominated for an equal pound
Of your fair flesh, to be cut off and taken
From the very end of your fine Christian cock.

ANTONIO
Content, i' faith: I'll seal to such a bond
And say there is much kindness in the Jew.

BASSANIO
You shall not seal to such a bond for me:
I'll rather dwell in my necessity.
Portia's cunt spread on my couch I long to see
But not so much to take thy cock from thee.

ANTONIO
Come on: in this there can be no dismay;
My ships come home a month before the day.
And when my well filled ship lies at the dock
He shall never have his pound from off my cock.

(Exeunt)

ACT II

SCENE I Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Flourish of cornets. Enter the PRINCE OF MOROCCO and his train; JESSICA, and others attending )

MOROCCO
Mislike me not for my complexion,
The shadow'd livery of the burnish'd sun,
To whom I am a neighbour and near bred.
The best-regarded virgins of our clime
Have loved it too: I would not change this hue,
Except to steal the pussy of fair Portia.

JESSICA
Go into the bedroom now and discover
There several curtains, oh my noble prince.
Now make your choice.

MOROCCO
The first, of gold, who this inscription bears,
'Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire;'
The second, silver, which this promise carries,
'Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves;'
This third, plain linen, with warning all as blunt,
'Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.'
How shall I know if I do choose the right?

JESSICA
Well shall you know, my lord, by Portia's pussy
found behind the curtain. I doubt not you will know it.

MOROCCO
What many men desire? Shall I try the gold?
O sinful thought! Never so rich a gem
Was set in worse than gold. They have in England
A coin that bears the figure of an angel
Stamped in gold, but that's insculp'd upon;
Behind the cloth of gold, what I desire must lie.

JESSICA
There, open it, prince; and if her cunt is there,
Then she is yours. Raise the cloth but as high
as your girdle, and feel what doth ensue beneath.

(He raises the cloth of gold.)

MOROCCO
What! Whose hands are these that grasping my crotch
Do draw me under the cloth so fair? Forsooth, my tights are down,
And my cock springs forth ready. Can she abide its length,
its girth, its thrusting force? Soft around it I feel wet and warm.
But hold, is this a pussy here? What tickles the tip of my rod,
So like a busy tongue? Methinks behind the cloth of gold,
Soft lips enwrap my cock and take it deep. No fair slit here,
But a blow job strong is my reward. Ah, suck and suck,
Fair maid, and with thy hands stroke the shaft even as thy mouth
Does take it deep and warm. And faster speed, upwards, down,
Until I shoot my juices thus, Aha, I come! And so am spent.
But now from soft hands a parchment's giv'n me. Now let me read.

(Reads)

"All that glitters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold
But a fair cunt to behold:
But let soft lips your cock enfold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Your answer had not been inscroll'd:
Fare you well; your suit is cold."

(Pulling up his tights)

Cold, indeed; and labour lost:
Then, farewell, heat, and welcome, frost!
Portia, adieu. I have too soft a prick
To take a tedious leave: thus losers part.

(Exit with his train. Flourish of cornets)

(The curtain opens and Portia, unclothed, looks out.)

PORTIA
A gentle riddance. Draw the curtains, go.
Let all of his complexion choose me so.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II. Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Enter JESSICA to PORTIA, nude on the bed)

JESSICA
Quick, quick, I pray thee; draw the curtain straight:
The Prince of Arragon hath ta'en his oath,
And comes to his election presently.

(Flourish of cornets. Enter the PRINCE OF ARRAGON with his train)

JESSICA
Behold, there are the curtains, noble prince:
If you choose that wherein her pussy lies,
Straight shall you nuptial rites be solemnized:
But if you fail, without more speech, my lord,
You must be gone from hence immediately.

ARRAGON

Now to my heart's hope! Gold; silver; and linen white.
'Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.'
You shall look fairer, ere I give or hazard.
What says the golden sheet? ha! let me see:
'Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire.'
What many men desire! that 'many' may be meant
By the fool multitude, that choose by show,
I will not choose what many men desire,
And rank me with the ass licking multitudes.
Why, then to thee, thou silver curtain fair;
Tell me once more what title thou dost bear:
'Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves:'
I will take what I deserve. That curtain I will lift,
For my cock throbs to feel what it deserves.

(He lifts the silver curtain)

Soft are the hands that pull my cock inside,
Now it does find a place to rest also soft,
But not so warm and wet that pussy it might be.
I think her boobs do now enfold my shaft,
And a tit job my reward 'neath silver cloth.
Ay, there's the rub, between those soft mounds fair,
And nipples hard do tickle the tip of my shaft
While it works its way into that soft valley.
Now rolls around, now thrusts, now throbs, and yet again
Moves back and forth with pleasure in each nerve.
Ay, hard grasp it and firmly press each boob,
As I jerk forth and back and reach my peak.
And now between soft tits I climb the height,
And milky boobs appear from what I loose.
So fine, so fair, so soft, but cunt they never be.
I came, I looked, anon I came again, and lost.

What is here? A parchment. I shall read.

(Reads)

"I fear that thou did choose amiss.
Some there be that titties kiss;
Such have but a boob job's bliss:
There be fools alive, I wis,
Silver'd o'er; and so was this."

(Exeunt Arragon and train)

PORTIA
Thus hath the candle singed the moth.
O, these deliberate fools! when they do choose,
They have the wisdom by their wit to lose.

JESSICA
The ancient saying is no heresy,
Hanging and screwing goes by destiny.

PORTIA
Come, draw the curtain, Jessica.

ACT III

SCENE I. Venice. A street.

(Enter SALANIO and SALARINO )

SALANIO
Now, what news on the Rialto?

SALARINO
Why, yet it lives there uncheck'd that Antonio hath
a ship of rich lading wrecked on the narrow seas;
And I fear with his ship being wrecked,
So is his fortune lost and with it his cock also.
Let me say 'amen' betimes, lest the devil cross my
prayer, for here he comes in the likeness of a Jew.

(Enter SHYLOCK)

How now, Shylock! what news among the merchants?

SHYLOCK
You know, none so well, none so well as you, of my
daughter Jessica's flight. She has gone to Portia
so each may find some strange dick strong enough
to penetrate their virginities.

SALARINO
(aside) And even now she makes the beast with two backs
with that Gratiano who has stolen her pussy.

(To Shylock) But tell us, do you hear whether Antonio have had any
loss at sea or no?

SHYLOCK
There I have another bad match: a bankrupt, a
prodigal, who dare scarce show his head on the
Rialto; let him look to his cock: he was wont to
call me usurer; I shall call him as a woman cut.

SALARINO

Why, I am sure, if he forfeit, thou wilt not take
his dick: what's that good for?

SHYLOCK
To bait fish withal: if it will feed nothing else,
it will feed my revenge. He hates me because I am a Jew. Hath
not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, a cock,
dimensions, senses, passions? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you jerk our dick, do we not come? and if you wrong us, shall we not
revenge? I shall go and fee me an officer; I
will have the cock of him, if he forfeit; for, were
he out of Venice, I can make what merchandise I
will.

(Exeunt)

SCENE II. Belmont. A room in PORTIA'S house.

(Enter BASSANIO, PORTIA, GRATIANO, JESSICA and Attendants )

BASSANIO
Let me choose
For as I am, my cock lives hard and throbs.
But let me to my fortune and the curtains.

PORTIA
Away, then! I spread my pussy 'hind one of them:
If you do love me, you will find me out.
Jessica and the rest, stand all aloof.
Let music sound while he doth make his choice.

(exit Portia)

BASSANIO
Cloth of gold, and silver bright, and then of linen pure.
Gold ornament is but the guiled shore
To a most dangerous sea; the beauteous scarf
Veiling an Indian beauty's boobs; Therefore, thou gaudy gold,
Hard food for Midas, I will none of thee;
Nor none of thee, silver pale and common drudge
'Tween man and maid: but thou, thou linen white,
Which rather threatenest than dost promise aught,
Thy paleness moves me more than eloquence;
And here choose I; joy be the consequence!

(raises the linen curtain.)

What find I here? Fair Portia's slit indeed?
Nay, I fear a beard I feel. Not Portia but a man?
Though a youth's mouth may give a man his peak,
Yet bearded elder never pleases my cock.
But stay, what man hath a beard so soft and fine?
Here between her legs the spider hath woven
A golden mesh to entrap the hearts of men.
'Neath curly hairs I find two sweet lips,
But set not like a mouth. Now do they kiss
and now they suck in my cock.
Tis true warm wet depths I have found,
And as I thrust my cock into this cunt
I know that truly Portia I now fuck.
Her hips she twists and holds my cock so tight
I thrust in deep and do enjoy its rise.
Moan, Portia, moan as I do swivven thee
And now cry out as hard we come together.

(he falls exhausted across Portia's body)

But what writing she hands me now?

(reads)

"You that choose not by the view,
Chance as fair and choose as true!
Since this pussy falls to you,
Be now content and seek no new,
If you be well pleased with this
And thrust your cock thus for your bliss,
Turn you where your lady is
And claim her pussy with a kiss."

JESSICA
My lord and lady, it is now our time,
That have stood by and seen you both well pleasured,
To cry, good joy: good joy, my lord and lady!

GRATIANO
My lord Bassanio and my gentle lady,
I wish you all fucking that you can wish;
For I am sure that I do wish it too:
And when your honours mean to solemnize
The bargain of your faith, I do beseech you,
Even at that time I may be married too.

BASSANIO
With all my heart, so thou canst get a wife.

GRATIANO
I thank your lordship, you have got me one.
My eyes, my lord, can look as swift as yours:
You saw her pussy, I beheld her friend's;
You fucked there, and as you did I fucked her here.
No more pertains to me, my lord, than you.
I got a promise of this fair one here
To have her pussy, provided that your fortune
Achieved her friend's cunt so well.

BASSANIO
Our feast shall be much honour'd in your marriage.

GRATIANO
We'll play with them the first boy for a thousand ducats.

PORTIA
But if that's the game, Jessica, we must fuck often and well.
I think that even now we must begin this race.

(Exeunt)

SCENE III A room in Portia's house

(Enter Portia and Bassiano, and Jessica and Gratiano, but partly dressed)

PORTIA
What now, Jessica, I fear thy boobs do show through
that scanty fabric that thou display. It makes me even
think you have sported through the night.
And truly, that cloth wound round his hips
doth scarcely conceal the cock thou lovest.

JESSICA
And thou, Portia, doth show thy lovely legs even
up until that nest of golden hair that he so loves.
I think he has sported in fair pastures the whole night long,
but now his prick is worn and used and not upstanding.

(enter a servant)

BASSIANO
What, interrupt our sport? Hath thou no heart?

SERVANT
I did, my lord;
And I have reason for it. Signior Antonio
Commends him to you.

(Gives Bassanio a letter. Bassiano reads.)

PORTIA
There are some shrewd contents in yon same paper,
That steals the colour from Bassanio's cheek:

BASSIANO
But is it true, my man?
Have Antonio's ventures fail'd? What, not one hit?

SERVANT
Not one, my lord.
And the Jew doth demand his bond, even his pound of flesh
to be cut off from Antonio's long Christian cock.

JESSICA
When I was with him I have heard him swear
That he would rather have Antonio's prick
Than twenty times the value of the sum.
It will go hard with poor Antonio.

PORTIA
What sum owes he the Jew?

BASSANIO
For me three thousand ducats.

PORTIA
What, no more?
Pay him six thousand, and deface the bond;
Double six thousand, and then treble that,
Before a friend of this description
Shall lose his dick through Bassanio's fault.
O love, dispatch all business, and be gone!
And Gratiano you must with him too.

BASSANIO
Since I have your good leave to go away,
I will make haste: but, till I come again,
No bed shall e'er be guilty of my stay,
No pussy interposer 'twixt us twain,
My cock will spurt itself only in thy cunt.
Come, Gratiano, let us be dressed and off.

(Exeunt Bassiano and Gratiano)

PORTIA
Come on, Jessica; I have work in hand
That you yet know not of: we'll see our husbands
Before they think of us.

JESSICA
Shall they see us?

PORTIA
They shall, Jessica; but in such a habit,
That they shall think we are accomplished
With dicks we lack. I'll hold thee any wager,
When we are both accoutred like young men,
I'll prove the prettier fellow of the two,
And wear my stiff rod with the braver grace.