Ignorance is Not Bliss

I've been happily married for almost 5 years now. Well, as happy as a guy can get and stay married anyway. You would think that by now I would be used to my wife's 'female' complaints but there are times when the urge is there for me regardless. Making love to a woman while she's having her period isn't exactly my first choice but being married, it's not like I have a whole lot of options. It's either sex with her or with Ms. Michigan and sex with another person always wins in my book.

Anyway, two days ago I came home from work and was in the mood for some loving. Since my wife and I both work basically the same hours, we generally meet each other in our driveway. She looked awful pissy when she pulled in so I decided to play the gentleman and opened her car door as soon as she stopped. As she stepped out of the car, I leaned down to give her a kiss but she turned her head. That should have been my first warning, but being a simple guy, I ignored it.

Once we got into the house, I washed up and then went out the patio doors to light the grill. Before we had left for work that morning, I had pulled some steaks out of the freezer and Sheila had put them to marinate in some of the sauce she mixes up. As I was getting the grill ready, Sheila changed her clothes and then started tossing together a salad.

I walked back into the house and threw a couple of potatoes into the microwave to go with dinner and missed my second important clue. Sheila didn't change into shorts like I thought she would since it was a gorgeous summer day and at least 85 degrees outside. Oh no, she had put on those dreaded sweats. Any man who has ever been with a woman, any woman, for more than a month knows the sweats I mean. It doesn't matter what color they are, they are all the same: a glaring neon sign that flashes "TREPASSERS WILL BE BEHEADED!" Well, all I can say is that Fred only has one eye and can't see out of that so he didn't pay any attention to that sign either. I, of course, was too busy following Fred's lead to notice anything!

As I walked passed Sheila, I leaned down and kissed the top of her head and told her she looked beautiful. Now, I know you all are thinking I'm some kind of idiot for not picking up on the other signals and you are going to think I'm down right retarded for missing her angry "Whatever" as she shrugged me away from her but I just put it down to her playing hard to get. I was confident that I could get her.

It wasn't long and I was sipping a cold beer, listening to the steaks sizzle on the grill, the birds singing in the trees and dishes breaking in the kitchen. I grabbed the steaks off the grill, put them on the plates, carried them and my beer back inside. What a mess! When Sheila tossed a salad, she tossed a salad! There were pieces of lettuce all over the wall, tomato slices stuck to the ceiling and the bowl that had held the salad was in about a zillion pieces all over the kitchen floor.

I almost dropped everything when I saw Sheila sitting in the middle of that mess, crying. Luckily I was able to set my beer on the countertop without spilling any but the steaks slid off the plates and hit the floor. I thought I had scooped them back up before Sheila noticed though. As soon as I had most of the cat hair off my steak, I rushed over to her to make sure she wasn't hurt. "What's the matter, Baby?" I crooned as I knelt down beside her. "Are you hurt?"

Now, it was kinda hard to understand her since she was crying and hell, I might as well admit that was my sixth beer already, but I swear it sounded like she was saying she got cold and dropped the bowl. I think she even said something about being a fat cow but ain't too sure on that one, I was smart enough not to ask though. By the time I finally convinced her to get up off the floor, her damn cat was chewing on the steaks. There was no way I was going to eat after something that spends most of its life licking it's own ass! I remembered her saying she was cold so I thought I would be slick and suggest we just skip dinner and go 'cuddle.' Everyone knows this is guy talk for "Wanna screw around?" and I was tickled when she thought that sounded like a good idea!

Once we got into the bedroom, I stripped off my clothes and crawled into bed. Sheila had went into the bathroom as soon as we hit the doorway but I was certain she was just slipping into something more comfortable and couldn't wait to see what she put on. Imagine my surprise when she came out of the bathroom not only still in her sweatpants but pulling on a sweatshirt and carrying the hot water bottle. That was OK, though. I like a challenge but since I had a lot of work ahead of me I thought I would be smart to go grab another beer.

Back in the kitchen, I pulled up the refrigerator door and started to bend down to grab out another cold beer before I remembered seeing the cat just a few minutes earlier. Quickly I swung around to see her sitting on the countertop watching me. Having felt her claws once before in places God never intended to be clawed I grabbed her by the back of her neck, walked over to the patio door and tossed her outside. I played football in high school and my goal has been to toss Fluffy over the fence so she can play with the neighbors Dobermans but I missed again. I did kind of like the sound she made when she hit the fence before she took off howling.

When I got back into the bedroom, Sheila was laying on her side facing away from me. As soon as I got into bed, I pulled her against me so that she rolled over on her back and kissed her. She tasted so sweet! That's when I noticed the open can of chocolate syrup on the nightstand but there weren't any cups around so I guess she was drinking it straight from the can. It probably helped to wash down the package of cookies that was sitting next to it.

My hand slipped down to rub her nipples, at least that was what my goal was but it was kind of hard to tell if I hit the mark through the three shirts she was wearing. I heard her telling me to stop because they hurt loud and clear though. That was obviously my signal to kiss them all better, wasn't it?

Apparently Sheila wasn't done playing hard to get though. As I tried to slip off at least one of her shirts, she kept yelling at me to "Knock it off" and tugged them back down. I think she grew more arms than an octopus because her hands were everywhere! By this time I was sweating hard and the room was spinning a bit so I decided to take a break to re-group. I propped my pillows up against the headboard to put together a plan on how to break through her little act as I finished off another beer.

Finally it dawned on me! Her ears and neck are super sensitive. I have to admit that probably the only reason I remembered that was because she was lying with her back towards me again and those were the only parts of her I could really see. With a plan firmly in mind or at least as firmly as it was going to get, I tried to set my beer down on my nightstand but the damn thing moved on me so my beer spilled on the floor. Sheila was mad as hell about it and pushed me off when I leaned over to kiss her. She sent me one of those looks that could kill a man and I was afraid it might be happening since my tongue felt swollen in my mouth so my words didn't come out right.

Sheila went into the bathroom and grabbed a towel to clean up my slipped beer. My whole body felt numb by this time from the death ray look she had given me and I stayed in bed, watching. My tongue still felt like it was twice it's normal size but I had to say something to try to make Sheila smile again and she was on her knees, on the floor, on MY side of the bed. It was only natural to ask if she wanted to do a friend a favor.

I've lived with that woman for a total of 7 years now and had no idea she could swing a can of chocolate syrup so hard or that it would result in so many stitches. As for the beer bottle, I'm sure that happened when I fell out of the bed. Sheila loves me too much to do THAT to me.