I'll Never Understand Women!

I'm sure that some of you – especially the female version of the species – will think that I'm just naïve, unsophisticated, clueless, oblivious, or just plain ignorant. Maybe I am, but that's not how I view it. My entire life I believe in saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. I try very hard not to deal with people that are way off base when it comes to that, and transferred a major in college, quit two jobs, and dumped three girlfriends because the people involved found it from difficult to impossible to say what they meant, and or to mean what they said.

I thought that I had found the perfect mate in Brenda. She was smart, personable, kind, funny, and had that always male-admired quality of beauty. One thing that I couldn't quite figure out, however, was her choice of female friends, especially her best friend Kathy. I guess that guy buddies have different things that they look for in friends than females do, or at least Brenda did. Her bff was a big buxom brunette, while Brenda is a petite blond. Kathy's personality has a lot of rough edges while Brenda's does not; however instead of looking on Kathy's rough edges as embarrassing, Brenda thought that they were funny. Also Kathy is about the most headstrong (she would call it "self-confident") woman I've ever met and apparently had a commitment phobia the way that she ran through boyfriends.

However, Kathy's biggest problem as far as I was concerned was that she was a know-it-all. That is particularly distressing to me because I used to be one too – the only difference is that I have a mind that retains factual information instantly and forever. I stopped being a know-it-all only in that I never acted that way with other people but kept it quietly to myself. Kathy is even more in-you-face with her knowledge than I ever was, only she doesn't have a mind that retains information like mine does.

There is one reason, however, why I never minded having Kathy around. If you took 1000 random women 18-40 in age, 30 year old Kathy would either be the 1st or 2nd sexiest of the group; no exceptions!

I guess, in hindsight, with comments from my male friends long after the fact, I planted the seeds of my own demise in two different ways – I was honest with Brenda when she asked me questions about other women, and I always took a position opposite to Kathy's pronouncements of her knowledge even though more than half the time I either didn't know whether she was right or wrong, or I knew she was right but still wanted to be a contrarian hoping that she'd change her know-it-all ways.

Perhaps the most egregious example of my naivety in answering Brenda's questions about other women was this exchange (which when long after the fact I told my male friends about it, it made them either cringe or guffaw):

"Blake, if I wasn't around, which of my friends would you want to make love to?"

"Actually, Brenda, none of them. While I might want to have sex with some of them, the only person in the world I want to make love to is you."

"You're such a bullshitter," Brenda giggled.

"No – that is the absolute truth," I seriously replied.

Brenda thought it over for a second then continued, "Knowing you, Blake, that's probably right. However, which of my friends would you want to have sex with, then?"

Up until this point I wasn't doing all too badly – I could have come out of it OK, but then either stupidity, or naivety depending upon your perspective, set in: "Actually, the only one for sure that I'd have sex with – if you were out of my life for some reason, and only then – would be Kathy given her killer body and looks..." I paused, not reading the look on Brenda's face. "Maybe Cheryl, maybe Denise too, although probably not; but certainly Kathy."

Brenda's facial expressions became even harder to read, then she changed the subject, and I didn't think anything more about it until much later; after the first fateful night.

First Fateful Event

We were having a small party at our house. It included Kathy, of course, and her current steady boyfriend Phil; Cheryl and Denise and their husbands; and two of my friends from work and their wives. Booze was flowing fairly freely, and everyone was having a good time. Since I usually don't drink – but don't need booze to have a good time – I was having the most fun, observing the lack of inhibitions in our guests as well as enjoying the conversations. Then Kathy came up with one of her know-it-all pronouncements; it was delivered with drunken slurs which I will not attempt to capture.

"I'm selling some stocks from my 401(k) and putting the money temporarily into the money market because the Fed is raising the interest rate at its next meeting," Kathy announced.

This was something that I had inside knowledge about – knowledge that I was not going to trade on to make money in the stock market because that would be illegal, but knowledge that I felt no hesitancy using against Kathy.

"Sorry, Kathy, but you're wrong. The Fed is keeping the interest rate the same at their next meeting – which is ten days from now I do believe."

"Oh, Blake, you're so full of bullshit. You're always wrong and I'm getting tired of it; put your money where your mouth is." This line was delivered when there was a lull in the music and most of the guests heard it and chuckled.

"Oh, dear, dear, Kathy; I have inside information and you'll lose; I don't want to steal from you," I replied in an unusually condescending voice.

"Well I have inside information and I know that they're going to raise it, and I got $100 that says that I'm right," Kathy boasted.

"Not even worth my time to shake hands on that," I responded, having every intention of making a bet so outrageous that she couldn't cover it. "I've got $10,000 that says that I'm right."

After a moment of stunned silence, with less slur that her other lines, Kathy retorted "I can't afford that; you're just saying that to get out of the bet."

In fact I knew that Kathy handled money poorly and probably didn't have much outside her condo and 401(k), and certainly not 10K. "Sorry, it's either a $10,000 bet or you withdraw your erroneous proclamation," I snickered.

Kathy started mumbling; the other guests laughed; the music started up again and I thought that would be the end of it. However, a short time later I saw Brenda and Kathy in a stealthy conversation in the passageway between the kitchen and garage. That piqued my interest, so I tip-toed over to see if I could listen in. Since they were both drunk they were talking much more loudly than they realized. While some of the conversation wasn't significant and doesn't warrant re-telling, there was one flabbergasting part. Again I make no attempt to capture their intoxicated voices.

"Help me out, Brenda, what can I bet Blake instead of $10,000? I have to shut him up!"

"How sure are you that you'll win, Kathy?"

"100%; I really do have inside information. I sure could use that $10,000 and would split it with you."

"Hey, it's my money too. However –- I really would like a long weekend at a luxury spa, which Blake has been unwilling to spring for. If we could change the bet to $5000 and a three day trip for the two of us to that luxury spa I just read about on the Internet, I have something that you could offer that would get Blake to agree."

"I'm game – what?"

"I once asked Blake if there were any of my friends he would fuck if I wasn't around and he mentioned you."

This was followed by diabolical laughs from both of them. "Yeah, but you're around," Kathy chuckled, "and I don't think that you'd want me fucking your husband."

"You just said that you can't lose – are you walking back on that?"

"Hell no, but if a one in a million shot hits I don't want you pissed at me because I fucked your husband, because I will pay up."

There was a silence. "He'd never make you do it, anyway," Brenda hesitantly replied, "and he won't go for three days at the spa any other way. Let's propose it."

Although I couldn't see her I imagined Kathy shrugging her shoulders and getting a big smile on her face; and I certainly did hear her say "OK – let's find the sucker."

I ducked into the kitchen pantry and am certain that they didn't see me eavesdropping. Once they went past me I found some guests to mingle with until they located me. No more than five minutes after they hatched their plan Kathy and Brenda were confronting me.

"Hey no-knowledge dip shit, we've got a counterproposal to your bet," Kathy said with a big grin.

"Why are the two of you here?" I asked, pretending to be perplexed.

"You'll see," Kathy snickered as she and Brenda each grabbed an arm and led me to the otherwise vacant vestibule.

"Here's the deal, dunce; you put up $5,000 and treat your wifey-poo and me to a three day stay at a luxury spa when I win. In the one-in-a-million chance that you do, you get to fuck me," Kathy smiled, then momentarily stroked my cock through my pants as Brenda giggled.

"You're in on this?" I asked Brenda, pretending to be incredulous.

"Sure – I really need three days at the spa," she chuckled.

"Yeah, but your know-it-all friend is wrong and I'm going to win. You'll go ballistic if I fuck her!"

"Hey, if you're going to be chicken shit then don't take the bet and we'll tell everybody here that you really are a wimp ass – but don't put it on me. If you win I'm cool with you fucking her," Brenda replied with crossed-arms.

"How much is three days at the spa for both of you going to cost me?"

"About six grand," Brenda burped, then giggled.

"How do I know that when I win that you'll actually participate and not just lay there, Kathy?"

"I'll put it in writing, dipweed; in the one in a million chance that you win I'll go all out," she giggled, then again stroked my obvious hard-on through my pants, until I moved her hand away.

I paused for a good two minutes, looking back and forth between them, while they repeated "Well chicken shit?" every thirty seconds or so. Finally I turned to Brenda, held her hands, and looked her in the eye. "When I win I'm collecting on the bet – don't think otherwise." She giggled and nodded and said "I'm cool." I did the exact same thing with Kathy and her response was exactly the same as Brenda's.

"OK – it's a deal; we'll write it up tomorrow," I said, shaking each of their hands. Kathy laid a lip lock on me while I was shaking hers, which Brenda laughed at although it didn't look like she was actually amused by it.

Kathy and her boyfriend Phil were too drunk to drive home and stayed over – I put most of the rest of the guests in cabs.

I fucked Brenda that night even though she was almost passed out and couldn't contribute much, although from the sounds she made she really did enjoy it. However, the thought of sticking my cock into the siren Kathy's pussy while simultaneously manipulating her ponderous mammary glands really inspired – and at the same time disturbed – me as I injected an unusually large load into Brenda's snug pussy.

I'll never understand how they could agree to that bet!

Second Fateful Event

The next morning, not having consumed alcohol, and having had a very satisfying fuck the night before, I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed. The others were not. Phil was in the shower trying to become human again, and both Kathy and Brenda looked like hell and were moaning as they chit-chatted and drank coffee at the kitchen table.

"Hi girls," I cheerily greeted them.

"Don't be cheery or I'll kill you," Kathy moaned.

"Likewise," Brenda chimed in.

"Well I hope that now that you're sober you'll have come to your senses and will retract that bet that we made last night," I grinned.

They both raised their eyebrows.

"We'll do no such thing," Kathy snarled. Brenda nodded agreement.

"Tell me, oh oracle Kathy, does Phil know about your bet?"

"Sort of..." she replied.

"What the hell does 'sort of' mean. If we're going to make this bet he is going to be wise to it too. I don't want him coming after me with a shotgun after I win and collect."

Kathy didn't look pleased by my position, but after a few seconds delay she said "OK, when Phil gets out of the shower we'll bring him up to speed."

I made myself an omelet and asked the two hurting beauties if they wanted one, which they simply groaned "No" to. When Phil came out of the shower he looked better than the two women, and although hung over accepted my offer to make him an English muffin. As I consumed my omelet and Phil ate his English muffin, between bites I asked, "So, Phil; are you aware of the bet that Brenda and Kathy made with me last night?"

"Yeah, but Kathy doesn't have $1,000, let alone $10,000, so it's not ever going anywhere," he nonchalantly replied.

"So you didn't hear about the counter-offer then?"

"No...I don't think so."

"Instead of me putting up $10,000 I'm putting up $5,000 in cash and treating Kathy and Brenda to three days at a luxury spa – worth about six thousand – in the remote chance that Kathy wins. But when I most likely win, I get to have enthusiastic sexual intercourse with your girlfriend."

Phil raised his eyebrow, looked at Kathy and then Brenda who both had wan smiles, and then got a big grin on his face. "Do I get a session with Brenda then?"

"Fuck no," I vigorously responded. "You have nothing to do with the bet; it's between me and Kathy, and Brenda either really, really wants three days at the spa badly or she doesn't mind me playing hide-the-salami with her bff because she suggested this knowing that Kathy doesn't have the cash. You get nothing no matter how the bet turns out unless in the remote chance that Kathy wins she gives you some of her $5,000."

Phil finished his muffin then stared at Kathy. "OK, Kath; are you going to share the $5,000 with me to get my approval?"

"I don't actually need your approval, Phil – we're not married," Kathy responded, although not harshly.

"Yeah, but you want me to be happy don't you?" he asked with a smile.

Kathy thought for a minute. "Sure. I'll give you $1,000 so that you can buy that new racing bicycle you've been interested in when I win."

"It costs $1,200," he shot back.

"OK – $1,200 when I win, but not a penny more."

"I'm cool," Phil said to me after he shrugged his shoulders.

As I wrote out the bet I again encouraged Brenda and Kathy not to go through with it, but that just seemed to intensify their resolve. I put everything that we had talked about into the agreement, including a paragraph that said that if I win and collect it would not hurt any relationships among the four of us, and that there would be no 'revenge' or 'quid pro quo' by anyone. I also provided that anyone could cancel up to 24 hours before the expected announcement of the Fed's decision, likely to be around 5:00 p. m. nine days hence, but not after that. All of Kathy, Brenda, Phil, and I signed and dated the document. I made copies for each of the other three and kept the original.

Kathy and Brenda returned to the fully cognizant after their own showers, and the four of us went to a county fair, and then had dinner out – we didn't discuss the bet any further that day.

During the next seven days I did more research on the subject and had a long talk with my inside source. I was virtually 100% sure that I was right, not just from what my source told me, but from my study of the facts and figures surrounding the situation, and publicly available minutes of the Fed's last meeting. Just to be sure, however, I put a recorder on our home phone – which Brenda and Kathy talked on almost every day.

While I fast forwarded through subjects that Brenda and Kathy discussed that were unrelated to the bet so as not to invade their privacy too much, I carefully listened to each discussion related to the bet. Kathy's source, as I expected, was a blowhard who knew nothing about the situation, but was probably just bragging to Kathy trying to get in her pants – something that was not going to happen, ever, according to her.

The day before the third fateful event Brenda told Kathy that she had reserved their days at the spa and had put down a $500 non-refundable deposit. For some reason this really galled me. Any apprehension that I had about going through with the bet left me, although I resolved to give canceling the bet one more hard try, and another soft one.

I couldn't understand either woman!

Third Fateful Event

The day before it was too late to cancel the bet, Phil was out of town but we had Kathy over for dinner. After a very nice meal, and some satisfying cordials afterwards, I again brought up the subject of the bet.

"Look girls – I don't have false bravado, but I am going to win the bet. I'll give you a chance now to cancel it and I will not – I repeat I will NOT – tell any of our friends that you dropped out. I also won't rub it in your face – certainly not much, anyway," I told them, only the last phrase delivered with a smile.

"Sounds to me, Brenda, that your know-it-all hubby is getting cold feet."

"Yes, it really does sound like that, Blake," Brenda chimed in.

"No that's not the case; I'm just afraid that when I win, despite what is in the written agreement, that it will have an adverse effect on all three of our relationships."

"Actually, Blake, that's pretty insulting," Brenda replied, sounding a little miffed. "I can stick by my word; while I sure wouldn't like it if you had sex with Kathy..."

At that point I rudely interrupted – "I'm not just going to have sex with her, I'm going to fuck her brains out."

"OK, I stand corrected," Brenda continued, even more miffed although Kathy blushed and crossed her legs; "While I sure wouldn't like it if you fucked Kathy's brains out,since I have been a willing participant in the agreement it wouldn't bother me for more than a day, and it certainly would not adversely affect my excellent marriage or my affection for my bff!"

I looked at Kathy; she was starting to recover from her blush; "I meant what I said in the written agreement; Brenda means too much to me to let it affect my relationship with her, and I wouldn't agree to this unless I believed Brenda when she says that it won't affect her marriage," Kathy said in a tone that seemed to me indicated that she was trying to convince herself. "In any event, however, it's a moot point; we're not losing!"

I shrugged my shoulders and we went on to other topics; I didn't bring it up again.

At 4:30 p. m. the day before the Fed's expected announcement – a little over 24 hours beforehand – I called Brenda at work. "Hi babe," I cheerily said.

"Hi Hon," was her lilting reply.

"This is the last chance to cancel the bet!" I said in an upbeat voice.

"Not on your life – I can't wait for the spa," was her sneering reply.

"OK; I have to work until about six tonight; should I pick up some Chinese food on the way home?" I responded.

"That would be great – orange chicken and one spring roll for me, and no MSG," she answered.

"Got it – see you about 6:15."

I really, really did not understand these women.

Fourth Fateful Event

I left work about 3:30 on the day of the Fed's expected announcement. I had not sought sex with Brenda the night before, and she didn't demand it, so I knew that I had a reserve of man cream for Kathy. I shaved, showered, trimmed my pubic hair, and even took a ten minute nap. Kathy's condo was only a five minute drive from my house and she normally got home by 5:00 so I planned to go over there right after the announcement. I was so sure of myself that I wrote a note to Brenda just before Bloomberg News Channel was getting to the announcement. "Hi Brenda; I'm over at Kathy's condo collecting on the bet. I should be home no later than 9:00. Love you, Blake," was what my note said.

The announcement at 4:50 p. m. was exactly what I expected – the Fed did not change the interest rate. I grabbed a bottle of Kathy's favorite wine, got in my car, and drove to her condo, probably as excited as I ever was except on my honeymoon. When I got there at 4:59 Kathy's car was there, so she had likely left work a little early herself to listen to the same news that I did.