Imbalance Pt. 03

"So, who's up for more rides?"

"MEEEEEEE!"

Their happy squeals greeted me as they rushed over. Each one grabbed a hand as they dragged me away from the eating area toward the rides. Today was such a beautiful day!

***

Weeks went by, pulled along by my kids, my job, and the back and forth battle of closing on the townhouse. I was in a bidding war with a young couple who were expecting twins. They were just starting out. They even had a dog. How quaint.

They had their heart set on the townhouse. It was exactly like the one the wife grew up in. I could sympathize with that bit of nostalgia. But for me, I was fighting for my girls. I didn't want to turn into the absentee dad that I once was. For me, this house was a first step. I had chosen this house to be closer to my girls rather than the condo that was closer to my job. The symbolism of that alone made this place priceless to me.

They were determined. But so was I. So I upped my bid by another couple of thousand dollars. I was prepared to go higher still. Even if I paid more than the house was worth, I would be getting my money's worth.

One evening I was sitting in my office eating a meal that Claire had prepared. It was good. One thing that I would definitely miss was her cooking. When we first married, she didn't even know how to boil eggs. I'm exaggerating, but her cooking skills left a lot to be desired.

Over time, she gathered recipes from the internet, random cook books, and from other stay at home ladies. She was determined to be a good wife and a good mother. Now, she was a wiz in the kitchen.

I found it odd that she still cooked for me, even though we were divorced. I guess it wasn't too odd, seeing that I still lived in the same house for the time being. Still, one would expect for her to cut off ALL wifely duties to the husband that she no longer loved.

"Frank, can we talk?" I heard her say a moment after the creak of my office door let me know that someone was opening it.

"Sure." I said as I placed my plate on the desk and turned around in my seat. Claire entered my office and sat down on my couch/bed.

She seemed to be trying to say something, but nothing was coming. Then, she started stammering.

"I...I just...god, this is hard! I had a whole speech planned."

I sat confused for a moment. "Just say what you wanna say."

Tears started streaming down her face. "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. For everything! I screwed everything up!"

She sat there and cried for a moment. I grabbed some hand tissues from out of a box on my desk and handed them to her. She used them to wipe her nose.

"I know I was wrong for what I did with Doug. I knew it then. I was just so unhappy that I stopped thinking about what it would do to my family. I just wanted to do something that would make me feel better. It was a mistake the first time. We got too drunk, and then..."

I nodded. I didn't want to hear the rest of that statement.

"But after that, I just thought it could be short fling. Something to get me through. I trusted him because I knew him so well. He was nice to me. Easy to talk to. I thought that you didn't want me, so there was no harm. Then, he told me he that loved me. Things got all messy after that."

"Because you fell in love with him too?"

She nodded and cried some more. I let that digest. Not really what she said, but how it affected me. Better yet, how it DIDN'T affect me. The searing pain that would have been there months ago at that statement simply wasn't there.

"When I realized that I loved him, the unhappiness that I felt with you grew. But to tell you the truth, I still loved you. I didn't really plan on leaving you. That night that I told you I was unhappy, I planned on telling you that I was having an affair, and that we should try to work on our marriage. I didn't want to break up the family. But it came out wrong. Things got twisted. In the end, I just went along with it."

"You'll have to excuse me if I find that a little hard to believe Claire. You say you didn't plan on leaving me, but if I recall, I asked you if you wanted to stay with me."

She sniffled again. "I know. And the truth of the matter was, that I would have fought for the marriage for the kids' sake if you would have. But I was also okay with it ending."

I thought about that for a moment. I tried recalling our conversations to see if that rang true. It could have, but then again, who knows?

"You didn't say that. I don't know if it would have changed our paths any, you know, with you having slept with my best friend. But it could have. Now we'll never know."

She nodded sadly and wiped her nose again. "Yeah. I know. But I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for everything. You didn't deserve that. No matter what you did, you deserved better than that. I regret the choices that I made. I handled our marriage like an adolescent. If I could do one thing over, it would be coming to you before I made the choice to cheat with Doug. Trying to make you understand how I was feeling. Suggesting counseling or something like that. I'm not certain it could have saved us, but I owed it to our marriage and our kids to try. I just wanted to say that to you."

"I appreciate that. It means a lot to me.

And it did. For the first time, I felt that she really understood what she did to me. Of course, she could never really KNOW how it felt unless it happened to her. Having your heart ripped out by two trusted friends is a feeling that can't be compared. But she at least understood the depths of her betrayal.

In the end, that's all I can ask for. She can't make up for what she put me through. But most of the time, all we really want is for someone hear us. To really take a look outside of themselves and see what we see.

"If I may ask, what brought about this change heart?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. When I first read our divorce papers, I couldn't escape the fact that it was my doing. When we had to tell the girls, I felt that same feeling. I came to you that night to talk to you, and you threw it in my face. I get it though. I was angry with myself, so I knew you must have been furious with me. I just thought it was time for me to own up to my part, and to not make excuses anymore. I won't be able to get past this and forgive myself if I don't. You know?"

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I was there once too. When I realized how much I neglected you and the girls."

She smiled at me through her tears. "Yeah. You've been trying really hard. I recognize that, and I'm so happy for you. Our girls are loving the extra attention. You're a great dad. Even when you were gone all of the time you were still a loving father."

"Yeah, and even though you were a cheating bitch, you were a good mother to our girls. We may have been shitty spouses, but we have to pat ourselves on the back for those two. They are living proof that we aren't complete fuckups."

She laughed at that. And then she stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me up from my chair. We ended up hugging. I believe that was the moment I began to forgive her. Truly forgive her. I realized that I was healing. I didn't feel anything when she told me that she fell in love with Doug. No anger. No hurt. Just a sense of nostalgic remorse for what was once a happy marriage. A woman that I was once in love with.

Now, she was the mother of my kids. For that, I will always care about her. She will always be in my life.

***

"Morning Sarah." I said as I breezed past her.

"Morning Mr. Underwood!" She said cheerily. Her smile was spread from ear to ear. Sarah was naturally a cheery person, but this morning she seemed to have something extra. I had to stop and ask.

"Sarah, you seem to be glowing particularly brightly today. What has you so happy?"

She beamed as she looked up from her computer. "Oh nothing. Just went out on a date last night."

Now I was interested. "A date? With who? No one from here I hope. You're way too good to be dating one of these nerds!"

She giggled like a giddy schoolgirl. "No. I went out with Jason."

"Jason? Are you talking about the security upgrade guy?" I asked surprised. She smiled broadly and nodded vigorously. I saw every last one of her teeth.

"I take it went well."

What I didn't know was that statement was the opening that she was looking for. She told me practically everything. He used to be in the Navy, was divorced, had a daughter, and apparently was skilled in the bedroom. She didn't tell me the last part. She didn't have to. Judging by the smile on her face when she said that he cooked breakfast for her, it didn't take a person of my genius to do simple math.

"Well, I'm happy for you. You really deserve it."

I meant it. Sarah was a great woman. Over the years, I'd come to depend on her. I tend to get so engrossed in the engineering side of things, that if it were left up to me, everything else would fall apart. On top of that, she always had a bright disposition that radiated throughout the office.

"Thank you Boss. And, if I may, I wanted to say that I am truly sorry for how things turned out for you. I respect how you've handled things. Most people would have become a tyrant to everyone around him. But you didn't."

"You knew about my situation? With Doug?"

She nodded. "Of course I did. I didn't talk about it with you because you didn't seem to want to discuss it. I tried to keep people who would bombard you with questions about it at a distance. I had to have a talk with your intern though. He kept stupidly bringing your wife up. For a genius, that Thomas can be a real dummy."

"You know, one of these days we're gonna have a discussion about exactly how it is that you always know what's going on."

She winked and smiled sinisterly. "I'll never tell."

I made my way down to the lab to check on the latest developments of the engine. We'd been making progress in solving the problems, but not enough so that there was anything to report. I was pleased with my team's dedication, but I was disappointed that we weren't making any headway.

However, I was excited to see if The Heads could actually get the patent revoked for that design. If they could, and we could get Donald and it on the team, then things would get really interesting.

The rest of the day was filled with adjustments, tests runs, more adjustments, and more test runs. Before I knew it, it was about 8:00. I had to get home in time to see my girls before they went to bed.

As I made my way to the parking lot towards my car, I felt someone behind me. I turned just in time to get tackled and thrown to the ground.

"YOU BACK STABBING ASSHOLE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" I heard as I was punched over and over again. Surprisingly, the punches didn't hurt. I think they were supposed to land on my face, but they just kept hitting my ear and bouncing off.

I was able to protect myself and push him off of me. I scrambled to my feet and I found Doug breathing heavily with his fists still clenched. Rage and fire filled his eyes as his nostrils flared like a bull.

"You bastard! Donald is suing me for stealing his work, and your fucking company is using him to revoke the patent. They are giving him a job at your company. In exchange, he is going to give them the design. MY DESIGN! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" With that he lunged at me again.

I know this is the part where I tell you that I effortlessly used my secret Kung Fu skills to render him unconscious. A swift Jason Statham move delivered with smooth accuracy and bone crunching results. Then I stand over him with my foot on his chest and say some snarky one liner with a British accent.

But no. I'm not a fighter. Neither is Doug. We're a couple of middle aged engineers who had never actually been in a real fight.

However, there is a lot to be said about a man with pent up rage. A man who's had to suppress his baser instincts of violence and revenge for months, swallowing the urge to let go and release the beast. A man who was forced to ignore the need to release all of the anger, hurt, pain, and humiliation that was heaped upon him by one who was close enough to his heart to nearly kill him with grief. Then, the object of his wrath shows up, with nothing in between them but an open parking lot and a whole lot of hostility. Like a gift wrapped treasure from Santa, nice and pretty under the tree.

Almost sounds like there is a God after all.

So, while a man may not be fighter, the concept is simple enough for him to figure out. Fist goes here. All he needs is the right motivation to do so. That I had. In droves.

So I hit him. Again and again. And it felt marvelous.

But, with every action comes an opposite reaction. The yin to the yang. There is a reason why smart people don't fight. There is a flip side to it. Hitting a person is awesome. Anyone who tells you that it isn't hasn't been angry enough to need that release. However, GETTING hit - not so awesome.

In movies like "The Transporter", the bad guy gets hit one time, falls off screen, and isn't seen again until the camera pans to show him and his buddies unconscious. In real life, when you hit a guy, he hits you back. And it hurts. When I was balled up on the ground, my face was somewhat protected from the blows. I think that filled me with a false confidence. When I was standing, those hits didn't quite bounce off as painlessly.

So we fought. Mano a mano. A couple of middle aged nerds, duking it out in the parking lot over a woman and a longtime friendship thrown in the toilet. Each of us threw punches filled with hurt and regret, trying to make the other feel what we felt by translating those emotions into physical pain.

The fight may have lasted 5 minutes, tops. The two of us were so out of breath though, you would have thought that we were Hector and Achilles (Troy reference). Next thing I knew; security was pulling us apart.

Doug was irate. The guard who was restraining him had to practically pin him to the ground to get him to stop. The guard who was holding me back saw that I was the calmer of the two, and warned me to stay put. Then he went assist his partner with the hostile one.

Did I feel better? Yeah. A little. Violence doesn't solve everything, but does solve some things. Sometimes, civility doesn't work. Check the history books, or just look up any war. But most importantly, there are times when violence just feels good. If it didn't, guys would only watch romantic comedies when they went to the movies. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman would try to talk to Doomsday; get him to open up. Jason Bourne would have a civilized meeting with the spies trying to kill him.

Kenny Rogers had it right. Sometimes, you have to fight when you're a man. Every once in a while, a man just needs to knuckle up. My face hurt, and I probably will have some swelling in my right hand, but I did feel like I needed to get that out. I know that sounds like machismo bullshit. It probably is. But at that moment, I felt like the victor.

Adding to my delight was watching the guards manhandle Doug while he shouted obscenities at me. It was oddly funny. It was humorous enough to keep me from doing anything stupid, like running over there and trying to continue this fight. For me, my fight with Doug was over.

Seeing my amused face only enraged him more, which made him act more irrationally. This in turn made them have to use more force on him, which only added to the humor and my entertainment.

A vicious cycle.

In the end, he only calmed down when they told him that they would have him arrested if he didn't leave immediately. So he was forced to leave with his tail between his legs. They further warned him that I they saw him on the property again, they would have him arrested for trespassing.

Damn. How's that for Karma? There was a time when the shoe was on the other foot. I was about to be arrested for going to his house and his office to confront him about stabbing me in the back. He had home court advantage then. Now...

Funny how life works.

***

A month later, I won an entirely different kind of fight. I won the bidding war. I wound up paying close to $10,000 over the asking price, but it was worth it. I was the proud new owner a 3 bedroom, 1.5-bathroom town house. It wasn't as big as the house that I shared with Claire and my girls once upon a time, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in a while. There wasn't much of a front yard, but the backyard that I shared with my next door neighbor was pretty decent. Plus, there was a really nice park right down the street. There was even a new bike trail that was just built. It led all of the way down to the beach. After I closed on the house, the keys were handed to me. The house belonged to me.

Moving day was actually bitter sweet. I was excited to finally end this chapter of my life and start the new one, yet I was nervous about what lie ahead.

Luckily, I had friend to help me through it. Terry was helping me load up the things that Claire and I packed. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we were going to be lifelong buddies, but he is the one person who understood where I was coming from. Granted, he played a bit more of an active role in marriage's demise, but that doesn't do anything to quell the feeling of being cast aside. If anything, it amplifies it, because you know that it was your fault. Plus, he was a daily reminder to me that I wasn't as bad of a husband as he was.

Hey, I'm still human. We can have our selfish motives about things.

"So, this is it?' Claire said when I'd moved the last box into the moving truck. Her eyes misted up a little, but no tears were falling yet.

"Yep. I'm finally out of your hair."

A tear finally came down her cheek. "Yay." She joked weakly as she wiped it quickly. In that moment, I caught a glimpse of the Claire I married all of those years ago. I missed her.

But life changes people. That Claire wasn't here anymore. Neither was the man who married her. Too many things have happened to bridge that gap. Now, the two people standing here were older, wiser, and better versions of themselves than the two who first married. But their journey together had ended.

"You know Claire, I just realized that I never once apologized to you. After everything that happened, I got so caught up in you and Doug, that I didn't stop to think that you needed and apology from me."

"Well, it's an understandable oversight, considering..." She looked down and shifted from side to side as her thoughts plagued her. I lightly grabbed her chin and lifted it until she was looking me in the eyes.

"Claire, I'm sorry for neglecting you all of those years. You deserved a better husband."

The tears really started streaming down her face then. I grabbed her in for a hug. She embraced me, crying on my shoulder.

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about the toilet seat being left up." I joked to lighten the mood. She gave a weak laugh as we let each other go.

She walked with me to the driver side of the truck. We stood there for a moment. It looked like she was about to say something, but she stopped herself a few times. Then she finally said:

"Frank, you can't cook worth shit. I don't want you starving to death over there. Since you're right down the street, I wouldn't mind if you came over to eat sometimes." She said as she watched me anxiously. I didn't respond right away, so she quickly added, "It would be good for the girls."

"I don't think that would be a good idea. The last thing either of us need is for me to come over for dinner to find Doug there. That wouldn't be good for anyone. Especially Doug."

"Oh, um, you don't have to worry about Doug. He and I...are no longer seeing each other."