In Sickness And In Health

Although, on the other hand, did he owe her any? She'd kicked him when he was down – down in ways she'd never guess. How much forgiveness and lightening up did she deserve?

No one said anything for a few moments, and then the deserts ordered arrived. Grace spent the time blinking and doing everything she could not to have tears ruin her makeup. When the food arrived, Betty put it down silently, giving both a sympathetic smile and then almost running back to the hostess stand, were Veronica was standing and blatantly watching.

They both took a few bits in silence, neither looking at each other.

Then Grace blurted, "Why dad? Why did you throw us away? Why did you push Mom into that guys arms?"

John considered his options while he ate, not looking at Grace. Trying to decide how much of the truth she could both handle and deserved. Finally, after finishing the cobbler he'd made his decision. This needed to end, so it had to come out. He knew that in doing so, his life would end in this little town, but that was just the way it happened. It had happened before and it would happen again. Time to move on anyway, now they'd found him.

"Fine. You want to know, here it is. You won't like it, and I know there is a lot of stuff Mom never told you. You can choose to believe that was out of support for me, but I suspect it's more about her looking bad, because once you know it all, you'll see she doesn't come out so lily white.

"I never 'pushed' her into the other guy. I gave her a gift, one that I had to give her for her own sanity. For reasons I'll get to, your mother's and my sex life had to end. I couldn't...be physical with her any more. The problem was all mine, not hers. Just because I couldn't have sex any more didn't mean she couldn't. It just couldn't be with me.

"So I gave her a gift. Once a month, she could go out, get it on and come home and that would be that. She'd at least get that itch scratched. There were rules though – it could not be the same person twice, no one we knew, and not meeting in a place where we were known. No repeats, and nothing that could get back to us, she had to be discreet and not embarrass either me or her. Or you, for that matter. The fact is, your mother was never that needful for sex –Ineeded it way more than she did, but still, there's a difference between saying 'I'm not that interested' and 'I'll never have sex again'. I get that. I understood that. Hence the once a month idea.

"Needless to say, she broke some of those rules, but we'll get to that."

John stopped speaking for a moment and took a sip of water, while Grace digested this.

"Ok, so that's almost jibes with what she told me. She didn't tell me about the rules, and she made it more like you pushed her into this. I mean, I don't get it Dad. You are a proud man, what the hell happened that you and her couldn't get it on any more? Are you impotent? Have an accident?"

John took a deep breath. The moment of truth. "No. The truth is that eight and half years ago, I was diagnosed as HIV positive."

There was silence and a stunned horrified look on Graces face.

Eventually, she gathered herself and asked, "How did you get it?"

John laughed, mirthlessly. "It's always the same question from everyone. They sense a bit of titillation; some real life drama and they always want to know that first. Says a lot for people, you know?"

"Well, do you? I mean, were you messing around?"

John looked at her sharply and said succinctly, "No."

"Well, how did it come about then? It doesn't just happen?" Grace wanted to know.

"Does it really matter Grace? Does knowing where it came from suddenly make having it any easier? Does it make it suddenly go away? I don't think so. But since you ask, no, I was not messing around – with anybody. I wasn't – and am not – a drug user, no needles, nothing like that. From the specialist report, it looks like I'd had it a couple of years before the diagnosis. I was sick then, and now I look at the initial infection symptoms, it matches. We thought it was mono at the time, since the hospital had no idea what it was. The best we can judge, it actually came about because of a fight I was in. There was an altercation in a bar, punches where thrown and blood was spilled. I had scratches on my face, arms and hands from hitting the other guy and being dragged along a wall, and he did as well. Blood was mixed. That's about as much as we can honestly figure out. It's a very rare thing to happen – as far as the CDC knows, there have only been three reported cases of infection this way in thirty years, but there you are. I know how it sounds, butI was not screwing anyone else.Nor was I any kind of drug user or exchanging fluids with anyone."

John could see that Grace was having trouble coming to terms with what he'd said, so he plowed on.

"You are now going to hear some things about dear old Dad that you might wish you'd never heard, but what the hell, you can come here in your fancy car – did he buy that for you? I'll bet he did – and swear at me, so you can hear this too.

"The fact is that once I was diagnosed, I knew where it was all going to end. And it did end up exactly there. I knew that eventually your mother would leave me and that's exactly what happened. I tried everything I knew to head it off at the pass, but realistically, I knew what was coming. The only thing I did was put it off a few months.

"Once I was diagnosed, I knew I could never have sex with your mother – or anyone else – again. Do you know anything about HIV?"

Grace, the tears starting to tumble just shook her head, miserably.

"Ok, well, it's always present in the blood and other fluids. Even with the medication today, which is pretty amazing, and that kills almost all of the virus in the blood, it deposits its RNA – it's building blocks – into healthy red blood cells. Basically, even if you kill everything that is in the blood, your own blood will create new HIV cells that then go and destroy your immune system white blood cells, called T cells, that have a compound in them called CD4. CD4 is what allows the HIV virus to bond with healthy T cells and, basically, destroy them.

"The fact is that even with a reduced viral load – and mine is pretty undetectable with the medication I take– you are a carrier. It's there, and your fluids, if they are ingested into another body directly, like via a cut or a needle, will result in infection in the other person.

"I couldn't take that risk. Not with your mother. Just couldn't. I could barely look myself in the mirror anyway, the idea that I had infected someone else...well, you know me Grace. What do you think?"

Grace was struggling. Some many pieces were falling into place now, but she still kicked out at some of the facts.

"What about condoms? Can't you just use those?"

"Well, yeah. But...and here are the details you won't want – condoms aren't 100%. They tear. And with me, I have a particular issue. I'm uncircumcised Grace. I still have my foreskin. When I'm...um...erect, it's fine and the condom stays on. But if there is any loss in...rigidity, then the foreskin tends to start unrolling, and it takes the condom with it, since that's tight against the foreskin. I've had more than one experience where it's rolled off entirely and I've had to fish around in the lady to find it afterwards."

There was an even more incredulously stunned silence as Grace digesting this tidbit about her father. She was both grossed out, embarrassed and horrified, all at the same time. Children should not know these kinds of things about their parents.

John, going for broke, plowed on. "The fact is that condoms, while useful, weren't going to cut it. And there's the other aspect of this that, yeah, we could have tried, butthat would have meant your mother actually wanted to.The fact is, once she knew I was HIV positive, she was both extremely pissed that I had been having sex with her and exposing her to potential infection – even though I didn't know I had it – and she had zero intention of continuing to take that risk. She made it very clear to me that our sex life was over. Not that I really blame her. I probably would have said the same thing, to be completely honest.

"But there is more. The fact it – and more details you won't want to hear – is that I'm like the Anti-Rapist. I literally lose hardness if I don't think the woman is into it. And trust me, your mother wasn't. She just couldn't overcome the fear of infection, and I don't really blame her. But it all but guaranteed I'd lose some steel and then you've got the condom unrolling and well, that just increases the fear and it's all cyclical.

"I also think she also didn't quite believe how I must have caught this. I think she believed in her soul that I caught it by some weird sex thing, even though I kept telling her that wasn't so."

John sat still, then took another drink, and noticed one of his hands were shaking.

Grace sat there, shaking her head, not wanting to believe what she was hearing.

"What about... other things? Toys? Um... " she thought hard about how to put the next idea, "tongues and stuff?"

She shifted, very uncomfortable and now, for the first time, really aware of the listening ears in the diner.

"You aren't listening Grace.She was not interested.She was just too afraid. No amount of education was going to shift the inherent beliefs she already had, all fueled by scary pictures from the 1980's and that damn movie with Tom Hanks. She was part angry but mostly just scared. I was the bogeyman. Hell, she wouldn't even let me kiss her, even though there is zero chance of transmission through a kiss."

"So, you couldn't do it, so you gave her the gift of getting it elsewhere? I kinda see it," said Grace, trying the idea on for size now she knew the reasons for it.

"Well, that was a risk. The fact is Grace, I loved your mother and always have. I wanted her to be happy, so I bite the bullet and told her to go out and get laid. It fucking killed me when did – sorry, shouldn't have sworn then. But it did. As a man, it just is the lowest thing. She never talked about it and I didn't want to know, but she did it. She at least had the decency to not dress up in front of me. God knows where she went – I couldn't handle knowing and just.. did the best I could. I couldn't even have sex with her when she came home. It was....very hard. Very. Hard. But I did my best to bear it, since it was the only thing I could do.

"The reality is that I knew that if anything happened to me and your mother, I would never have another significant relationship with a woman. So I did everything I could to ensure that this one continued – as much as I could anyway.

"I didn't 'push her into another guy', I gave her a gift and some freedom.Sheis the one who broke the rules. It started out once a month, and for a few months, it was just that. It was hard but I just tried not to think about it. And then it became twice a month, and I didn't feel like I had the right to say no. Then once a week, and at that point I asked her what was going on, and she told me she'd met this group, and she wasn't doing anyone repeatedly, but it was fun and she was going through them, and if I had a problem, I knew where the door was.

"Did I mention that she'd already told me that if I left, she'd take you guys to Chicago? We were in San Diego at the time, and I knew I'd never see you if she did. I mean, she was right. Sitting in court and having to admit I was HIV positive, what outcome that would give? I would have lost you."

John sat back in the chair and played with his fork, finally meeting Graces eyes.

"I dunno Grace, looking back and being totally honest, I think all this just revealed more cracks and issues in our marriage than either one of us would admit at the time. This just brought it all to a head. I mean really, I was in shock and so was she, and she wasn't willing to even think about meeting me half way, although what that would have been I don't know. I think any gesture would have been welcome, just so I didn't feel like I was in this alone."

There was another beat of silence, before John took up the tale again.

"So what could I do? When she asked to go away for a weekend, it came to a head. And that she wanted to take you guys – I guess to meet whomever it was she was nailing, I lost it and told her no. She was pushing it too far. I had given her a foot and she'd taken a light year. She told me she was going to anyway. I guess you guys went to Sedona? Where he could meet you? That's what I gathered anyway.

"And it went of for another month, and that's when I gave her the ultimatum that it had to stop and she told me she was leaving me for this new guy. He could, and I'm quoting here, 'give her a life beyond caring for a sick guy'. She was very apologetic and wanted to 'work it out and make it up to me'. I asked her how and she had no answers. It just words to make her feel better. There was nothing she could or would do in reality. Any more than when she went off for her adventures and she promised to 'make it up to me' afterwards, that she had neither any intention nor any method to do any of that anyway. They were just words. So much with your mother is just words, Grace, I'm pretty sure you know that by now."

Grace sat there, blinking away the tears and said, "I'm so sorry Dad. We had no idea."

"No, I wouldn't expect you would have. There was no way I was going to tell you. I couldn't risk you thinking that badly of me, and it would have gotten out and I would have lost work and you'd have had to deal with it at school. Not that it mattered anyway, you ended up pushing me out anyway."

"Dad... all we knew was what Mom told us. You'd thrown her away. Pushed her into this guys arms. I mean, she said right out you had told her to go get laid. I mean, it was gross, but we figured she had no reason to lie. And, I guess from her point of view, she didn't. But she was a bit selective with what she said, obviously. We just...didn't know what to think. We saw you two drifting apart, we saw what was going on, but you just didn't...connect. With her. With us. And we believed what she told us. We thought it was all the truth. Obviously it wasn't. Greg was....well he was nice to us. I don't think he knows the truth. He did his best not to run you down, but you could see it in his eyes. He honestly thought he was rescuing us from our lives with you, and Mom, she just went along with it."

"Yeah, I figured. But I couldn't fight that without the whole truth coming out and the last thing either of us wanted was that. I knew it was a risk, giving her that gift. I knew from the moment I did it what the likelihood was. Your mother, Kathy...she equates good sex with emotion. She has the best sex when she is with someone she feels something for. I knew that, but I just couldn't tell her she could have no sex life. That wasn't right either. She wasn't willing to do it with me, so what else could I do? I loved her. That's why the rules were there – never twice with the same person and so on, designed to stop her falling for anyone. And she just ignored those rules. I still have no idea where she met this guy and why she met him more than once, but honestly, like how I got HIV, it doesn't really matter. I wasn't there, I couldn't stop it and I never knew what was going on anyway, by design, to keep my sanity. It was inevitable really."

There was a pause and he looked at Grace, the memory of the pain still etched in his face.

"Do you have any idea of what that is like for a man, Grace? Sending his own wife out to get laid with someone else, and then her not even wanting to hold him when she got back? The total absence of any physicality in a relationship? It was doomed from the start, but I just wanted it to keep going. I realize now how stupid that was, but at the time, I was still in shock from the diagnosis. I think she was too, but she was the one with all the choices. I had none. It ate at me, constantly. Not able to be man enough, because I didn't want to infect any one, and having to watch her go out and get what she needed elsewhere."

He stopped and took another drink of water and then said, reflectively, "And honestly, I can't even blame her too much. I mean, I can see it from her point of view. I can see her being burdened by this. It's too much. For anyone to have to deal with. She didn't ask for my disease – neither did I – and the implications are just...significant. And in the end, we couldn't over come them."

Grace bit her lower lip and then said, "Why are you alone now Dad? I understand why she left – why she decided to, but why are you alone? I mean isn't there anyone for you? Maybe a lady who is...the same. As you I mean."

Suddenly the bitterness held in check for so long just poured out of John.

"You can't even say it, can you Grace? I am HIV Positive. Yes, it can – and probably will at some point – become AIDS, at which point I will die of some ridiculous disease like the common cold, when my immune system is so destroyed I won't be able to fight it off. I have it. I don't damn well want it, but it's there now and it'll never go away. I can take medication to control it, but my immune system will never be as good as yours and one day that medication will stop being effective, and then it's Good Bye John. It's my reality. Who the hell wants to live with that, I ask you? I know I don't. You have no idea how hard it has been just to not give in and end it all, over the years. And I've been tempted, believe me.

"Any non-infected hetro woman is not going to give that a chance, and why should they? There are one hundred and fifty million men in this countrynotinfected. Why have more than coffee with someone who is? And you have to tell them, you know. You can't not. It's a felony to have sex with someone when you know you are infected and you don't tell them. That's attempted murder otherwise. There are people in jail right now serving 25 year sentences for that. Hell, a woman can know, then get pissed at you, and claim you never told her, and then what? How do you prove youdidsay it?

"Let me tell you how it goes Grace. You meet for coffee. You get on well, she's cute and laughs at your jokes. Then you have to drop into the conversation your status and then it's all less laughing and more checking of the watch and 'Oh, it's late, I have to run. It was so nice to meet you, I'll call you.' And they never do. Or they do but it's all 'I had a nice time, but I don't think we clicked'. It doesn't take long to get the message Grace. You don't have to do it too many times to be tired of the inevitable rejection.

"You say 'find another HIV positive woman'. Easier said that done. Right now the stats are there are about one point one million people infected in the US. Of that, eighty seven percent are gay men. So that leaves thirteen percent that are hetro people. Lets assume that half are women. That's seven and a half percent. In real numbers, that's about seventy two thousand. Spread out through out the country – not located in one place. It's hard enough to find a soul mate with the normal numbers, let alone that amount.

"And then we consider that how many of those women are already in a committed relationship? The fact is it's almost impossible to find a woman you are interested in long term who has the same condition.

"And even if you did, it's not like 'Well, lets throw away the condoms'. There are about fifty different HIV strains at the moment, each with it's own resistance cluster. That's a definition of which medication that strain is resistant to. If you have unprotected sex with someone else who is HIV positive, but they have a different strain from you, it's additive. It means their strain joins with yours, and if they have a different resistance cluster from you, congratulations! You've just made a new strain that is resistant to twodifferent sets of medications. And that is justawesome.