Island of the Misfit Sex-toys

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Rudolph returns to save another island full of lonely toys.
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Greeting to everyone, this is my winter contest story, and it comes with a quick warning. Most of the people in the story are based upon folks from the forums here. If you don't read the forums, you might miss some of the gags, but if you've seen the 1964 Christmas special, you can probably figure it out.

Good luck, and thanks for reading. It was fun to write. Thanks especially to those unnamed (to protect them) souls who helped me in my research.

*

"Rudy, I know that you are always eager to help everyone, but how can we work with those toys? If word ever leaked out that we'd been involved with them, we'd lose all of our endorsement deals. You know that we're completely aligned with the family market, and this kind of exposure would kill us. Most of our people would boycott us in a heartbeat if they ever found out!"

"But Clarice, they are so lonely! Nobody wants them, and I remember what that feels like. It's gotten so bad, that they've all been reduced to writing dirty stories in order to maintain some sort of human contact with the outside world. No one should live like that, and I'm sure that we can find owners who would love them for who they are!"

"But they are so icky!"

"Clarice, we helped Santa fly through the fog, and we helped an entire island of misfit toys find children who loved them, surely we can find a way to fix this too!"

"I don't know... how will we find homes for a bunch of misfit sex-toys without anyone finding out that we were involved?"

"Easy Clarice, now there is something that wasn't around in 1964; it's called the internet. People can sign on, and then pretend to be anyone that they please to be. Some people have dozens of identities. No one will ever know that it was us!"

"So instead of being Clarice, I could pretend that my name was Alicia or Jodie or something like that?"

"You could pretend to be an Englishman named Anthony if you'd like. It's all in text, no one would ever know that you were really a girl."

"They wouldn't see me or hear me?"

"Not unless you hooked up your web-cam, and we won't be helping those people this year. If this works out though, we might get to the cam-people next year."

"So, you are saying that we could help them, and none of our sponsors would have any idea that we'd been involved?"

"Not even the Family Research Council!"

"Okay Rudy, I guess we should do it."

Rudolph was quiet for a moment before saying, "I'll give Hermey a call and see if he'd like to help."

"But he's a dentist now; he might not be able to get away. He has all those patients to take care of."

"I thought you heard, the news was all over Santa's workshop."

"What? Did something happen to Hermey's practice?"

"Yeah, he gave up dentistry, just like he gave up toy-making. He said he needed a new challenge.

"So what is he doing now?"

"He's studying to be a gynecologist."

"You are kidding...umm, right?"

"Nope, he's been driving all of the elf girls crazy; he's looking for volunteers to study in."

"You mean 'on'."

"No.... In, remember, he wants to be a gynecologist."

"Ah, I see."

"Evidently so does Hermey, he's been wearing this flashlight harness on his head, and he claims that it lets him see deeper inside his work. Actually, it's kind of creepy, maybe we shouldn't call him."

"Rudy, it sounds like he needs help too! Maybe we can find something for him."

"You might be right Clarice, but I guess that it depends on what sort of toys we find on the island."

Several Days later:

A conversation was taking place within the Literotica office complex. There was a sense of resignation in the air as Lauren and Manu kicked around ideas, trying to decide if policing the forum rules was having any positive outcome.

Lauren was speaking, the despondency was obvious in her voice, "I don't know, Manu, it just seems like some of our contributors almost need to treat one another badly. First they complain when we don't enforce the rules, and then they really bitch when we do. Their whining and crying is bad enough, but it's their sense of complete entitlement that really annoys me."

"Yes boss, I think you are right about that, many of them act like spoiled children most of the time. I mean, I know that it is just the internet, and that they could be absolutely anyone in real life, but you don't suppose that they actually might be middle-schoolers do you?

"No, there's no chance of that. Some of these feuds have been ongoing for ten years or longer. These people are adults, no matter how juvenilely they really act."

"So what do you think caused them to be like this? Did something happen to them when they were only children; something awful, something that retarded their development? Do you think that they were locked in a closet or something?"

"Manu, I wish that we knew what caused it. Maybe they didn't have any toys when they were children; maybe if we gave them an old fashioned Christmas celebration complete with a tree, gifts, and eggnog...maybe that would melt their icy little hearts!"

"...and cause their hearts to grow three sizes?"

"No Manu, that's the wrong Christmas Special, and Boris Karloff is dead now anyway."

Manu's brow furrowed momentarily as he seemed to be considering something. Then he blurted, "Maybe...no, never mind."

"What?" Lauren asked. "What are you pondering?"

"Well, we got this really weird email this morning. I had intended to just ignore it, but now I'm thinking that maybe it might be just what we've been looking for."

"Go ahead..."

"It came from something called Shiny Red Nose Enterprises, and at first I thought it was one of those junk-mail outfits that sell herbal Viagra, but when I took a longer look, I thought it looked like some kind of make-a-sexual-wish foundation. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but they did seem to be looking for help in finding people with really odd sexual appetites. Evidently, they have some really weird sex-toys for whom they are trying to find homes.

"You are making this up!"

"No really! They've offered to take us to meet the toys and to see what we think."

"I'm not buying it Manu, I'm calling shenanigans!"

"Okay fine, don't believe me! Slide over and let me bring their email onscreen. You can read the letter yourself!

Manu took over the keyboard and quickly opened the office email account, and Lauren began to read.

Dear Literotica providers:

We are a rescue operation for an oppressed and forgotten slice of the population. Each Christmas season, our foundation finds homes for those whom polite society rejects; yes, we represent those who are unfairly called, the misfit sex-toys. We have found an island where many of them reside; it is filled with lonely creatures whose only real want is to find a happy home where they will be put to a good sticky and energetic use.

While we were searching for homes for our charges, we found Literotica, and subsequently the General Board and the Playground there. After reading through literally thousands of posts at both forums, we think we may have found a solution to both of our problems.

You seem to be undergoing an infestation of extremely angry misogynists, seriously psychologically damaged souls who seem to be in great need of some kind of comfort. As we read their posts, we noticed that many of them mistook outright cruelty for wit. This made us think that to expose these unfortunate souls to actual human contact would be unconscionable. We believe that before they can progress to dealing with actual human beings, they would obtain some benefit from sex-toy therapy; and to be honest, we believe that we have sex-toys twisted enough for your users!

If you would be kind enough to consider a reciprocal arrangement between our two firms, we would commit to giving you a free flight and lodging (for two) at the Island of Misfit Sex-toys, where we can conduct further negotiations.

RR, President

Shiny Red Nose Enterprises

P.S. Dress warmly

"Dress warmly? I wonder what that could mean. I mean, I'm intrigued; clearly this RR guy has met a few of our posters. I can almost see BusyBody and Ms_Ann_Thrope standing here in front of us right now!"

Should I contact him then?

"Sure Manu, why not? It looks like there might be a free trip involved. Send 'em an email, and we'll see what happens; at the very worst, they'll try to sell us a time-share!"

"Yes, my Queen!"

"Stop it Manu, Halloween is over!"

That weekend:

Manu and Lauren were excited! Of course they were; everyone loves a free trip to a tropical island. Evidently, they had never seen the original special and all of its snow. In their minds, they were on their way to a tropical island, something like Fiji... who knows what was going through their minds?

Somewhat impatiently, they waited for their ride to the airport, and even though Manu was in great need of a waxing, both representatives of Literotica were dressed in their micro bikinis when there was a knock on their door. Lauren rushed to answer it, thinking "limo", but what she actually got was...

"Manu, umm...they are fucking reindeer. No, I mean it, real fucking reindeer! Come look at this! They look like some sort of animatronic thing, but, you know... reindeer!

Rudolph tilted his head, somewhat jerkily, to the side before saying to his companion, "Gee Clarithe, Lauren thure cuthes a lot!"

Clarice tilted her animatronic head to the side and responded, "Yeah, maybe you should put that clay in your ears instead of on your nose."

Dumbfounded by talking reindeers, one of them with a seeming speech impediment, the bikini-clad twosome stood open-mouthed in the doorway.

"Hi," Said Rudolph in a stuffy sounding honk and then sticking out a hoof, said, "I'm Rudy. Thith ith Clarithe."

"Take that stupid clay off your nose!" Clarice demanded. She then looked at Lauren and said, "We told you to dress warmly! Yes, the island is tropical, but you are going to freeze in-flight."

"In flight?" Manu said woodenly.

"Yeah sure!" Clarice said smiling, "Climb on!"

"You've got to be kidding."

"We are a charity, you know. We can't exactly afford first class. All of our company's transportation is 100% green!

Rudolph burped in agreement... It was true, most of the fleet was grass-run.

Irritated, Clarice kicked Rudy, causing the clay to come flying off his shiny red nose.

Pa-weeet! Came from lightbulb within the animatronic globe.

Clarice looked back the Lit duo and said, "You can go ahead and wear your bikinis, but put on some outer layers too. It's cold at our altitude.

"We are going to ride you..." said Lauren, slowing adding it up, "to a warm tropical island?"

"Filled with misfit sex-toys," Rudolph chirped gaily!

"Umm... I'd like to, but," Lauren prevaricated, "I'm allergic to fur; it makes me sneeze and break out in hives."

"That's okay ma'am," bubbled Rudy excitedly, "It isn't real fur, its animatronic, and it is 100% hypoallergenic! And the best part, there's an in-flight movie!"

"An in-flight movie?" Manu said slowly.

"There sure is! We have a very sexy set of videos for your entertainment, but enough about that," Clarice said, interrupting Rudy, "Go get some warm clothes and we'll be in time for cocktail hour. You know... Daiquiris by the beach; do you like strawberry or pineapple? We do a great coconut/peach!"

"Cocktails," Manu said longingly.

"Ask for extra Rumple Minze, it's the holidays!" Rudy said happily!

Manu and Lauren shared a long look, and while it was true they'd led a life of thrill-seeking, this long strange trip might be more than they had bargained for. Clarice caught their look and started talking quickly, "Well, unless you are happy with the way your... ahem... eccentric posters are behaving."

Lauren came to a quick decision. "Manu, let's do this. They have cocktails!"

"Yes, my Queen!"

"Stop it Manu!"

Two hours later, Rudolph Airlines was flying at 20,000 feet and its passengers had been given portable CD players, and two bags each of Planter's Peanuts. As usual, Rudolph had neglected to ask his passenger if the man had nut allergies, and was now fearing that Manu's face looked a bit swollen. Manu, on the other hand, was feeling bloated and wishing that he had not tied his bikini straps so tightly. "Mr. Manu, if you reach into my right saddlebag, you will find your naughty inflight entertainment.

Eager, Manu did as Rudy had asked and found the Airline's entire Library of film. His face fell as his saw his options, "Three's Company: Season 4," or "Charlie's Angel's: The Movie."

Rudy bubbled, "I did some research on what you guys do there at your web-site, and I knew I'd have to find something really sexy for you. What do you think of them, Mr. Manu? I was really embarrassed when I bought them."

"Yes, you should have been," sighed Manu. "Rudy, don't take this the wrong way, but you really are from 1964 aren't you?"

"Why I sure am, why do you ask?"

"Oh, never mind Rudy, but I don't think I'll watch these right now. Right now, I am much too caught up in old episodes of Green Arrow; I couldn't possibly start anything else."

Then he asked, "How much longer will we be in-flight?"

Rudy replied, "Maybe I could tell you some dirty limericks? I found a whole page of them earlier! This new internet thing is great!"

"Not right now, Rudy. I'll just rest up for a bit; I want to be fresh for cocktails!"

"Yes sir, Mr. Manu!"

"I can't make out anything that they are saying," Clarice yelled into the wind, "but it looks like Manu is unhappy. I told Rudolph that his movies wouldn't work."

"Clarice, do you have fava beans and a nice claret?"

"Huh?" said Clarice.

"I meant...you seem like the smart one in this partnership; why did you let him pick the movies?"

"Would you rather that he'd been the one to file our flight plans with the FAA instead?"

"Ah, yes, it starts to make sense."

Seeing that Lauren was happy with her answer, Clarice pressed on, "About Rudy's idea... do you really have people to match up with our misfit toys? I have my doubts, but Rudy always sees the best in people, and umm... I read what goes on there at the Forums. Oh my God, I don't think that some of your people can be saved. A few of them evidently need to be tranquilized, and then sent off for some sort of psychological experiments involving burlap."

Lauren thought about the question for a minute, and then responded, "I think I'm just hoping for something like, 'momentarily distracted'. Many of them seem to really like shiny objects, so if we could convince them to log off, if only for an hour or two, I think we'd see some improvement for everyone."

"Once we land, I'll introduce you to our team. Just smile and nod whenever Rudy tells you anything."

"I'm looking forward to it! By the way, what's in your saddle-bags?"

"How do you feel about Gunsmoke or the Avengers?"

"Emma Peel or one of the others?"

"Emma."

"Fire it up!"

Several hours later, Lauren sitting somewhat drunkenly with an empty blender of daiquiris and a happier smile upon her face; said, "Okay, I think I've had enough Rum to meet your people now."

"Well, let's get started then," said Rudolph before tapping his hoof on the floor, causing the arrival of the first toy. It was a rather large blue dildo; it floated up loud, proud, and rigidly erect. "This is Pilot, he's been here for a few years now."

"He looks okay," responded Lauren, "What's wrong with him?"

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with me," Pilot stormed. "Believe me, I am perfectly happy living on this island all alone. I don't need anyone!"

"Touch him," Clarice whispered in Manu's ear.

Manu reached out and slowly stroked the dildo, causing it to instantaneously become flaccid and rubbery.

"I told you not to touch me!" screeched Pilot in a shrill voice.

"A dildo with erectile dysfunction?" Lauren said wonderingly.

"It's not true," screamed Pilot. "I umm... I just wasn't ready!"

Clarice said, "Evidently they don't make Viagra for senior dildos, we checked. So, now we are at a loss to what to do with him. We tried everything: men, women, even sheep. The same thing happens every time.

"It does not! She's lying!" screamed Pilot, "I'm still virile!"

"Wow," Lauren said, "nothing comes to mind, let us get back to you on that.

Pilot was lead, floppily, away, and the next toy was brought in for a viewing. "This is Legerdemer, she is unhappily intact."

"She's just a normal blow-up doll; why is she here," Lauren asked. "They are all pretty much the same."

Clarice answered, "She's a virgin blow up doll, and there are no actual holes in her."

"A blow up doll without receptacles?" Manu laughed in amusement.

"And you can't poke me, I would pop," said the toy nervously.

"Turn around, let me see all of you," Lauren said to the toy, imperiously, and then calmly waited for the toy to do her bidding.

Lauren smiled brightly and said, "I think I've got an idea for this one. Manu, you see where she has butt cheeks, but no actual anus?"

"Yeah... so?" replied Clarice.

Lauren smiled at Manu, and continued, "What we need is a man who is so insecure that she couldn't even look at him while he tries to get it up, and he'd also have to have a really tiny penis so he couldn't actually damage her.

Manu smiled, "Of course! L.J. Reloaded! Lauren, you are a genius!"

Lauren basked in mock humility and said, "Next?"

"Who?" Clarice asked.

"You don't want to know! Who else ya got?"

The next toy came up to the table in a rage, "I told you stupid fuckers that I didn't want to be a part of this! You aint gonna find no home for me! I don't need anyone!"

"A horse with a dick on his head?" Manu said bemusedly.

"Go fuck yourself. I need nothin' from the likes of you!" the unicorn thundered. "I'm perfectly happy in my trailer!"

Clarice broke in, "This one has many names. He changes them every time he hits fifty on the ignore list. You can call him Black Lucifer or Jethro, he'll just curse and scream at you, no matter what you call him."

"Fuck you, you whore," Lucifer snarled.

Seeing the angry unicorn standing before her, Lauren started to think out loud. "It has four legs and a dick, so that isn't really the problem. He does seem to be expending a great deal of energy saying, 'look at me! Look at me!' while simultaneously claiming that he'll be fine if we just leave him alone. Looks like we are dealing with the old behaving badly to attract attention fetish. So...we will need to find someone who will give them their undivided attention, and then treat him very badly afterwards."

Manu asked, "Does it matter if it is a man or a woman?"

Lauren ignored Jethro's very loud protestations of heterosexuality, and said, "No, not really; he's just looking for attention. He claims that he's a lily-white heterosexual, but I doubt that it really matters much. He just needs to unburden himself and then be treated horribly. It would help if whoever we find spends a lot of time on the board though.

Manu said, "What about Misshotnhard? She's here a lot of the time."

Lauren shook her head, "Naw, her insults are basically just bitchy comments, we need somebody that just brings the abuse, with spittle flying and arms swinging wildly... Hmm, are you pondering what I'm pondering, Manu?"

"I think so Brain, but where will we get a gold velvet nun's habit and a pair of see-through panties here on this island?"

"No, you idiot... Fata Morgana. The two of them could abuse one another and no one would even mind. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll do the whole thing offline and no one will even have to read it!"

"Poit," replied Manu thoughtfully.

"Yes I'm sure Manu. Clarice, send Jethro to Fata and if we are lucky, they will kill each other!"

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