Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here
Without announcement or discussion, I moved out of the Master Suite. There was enough room for all of us, but not enough Mace for me. I got only what Juan did not need or want.
Choices have consequences. I had flubbed the only two decisions I faced that mattered, the first when Mace asked whether I would marry him, and the second when Randy said simply "just say the word." I would have given anything to travel back in time, to whisper in my younger self's ear that what my younger self thought mattered did not, that all that mattered was love and the strength it provided, that when you find true love, you should hold onto it for dear life, no matter what. I could not time travel. I could only deal with the consequences of my choices. As I lay awake at night, alone in my separate room, I wondered about what might have been, the words of George Jones's "Choices" echoed in my ears. I was living and dying with the choices I had made.
If I had been stronger, I would have moved on and out of their house. But, I was getting old, and the intimate moments we all shared - over dinner, on a walk, around a fire - were more important to me now. Or so I convinced myself.
I also remained weak. I did not have the strength to leave Mace again.
Every once in awhile, I caught Mace watching me. In those moments, when everyone else receded and it was he just he and I, I knew, or hoped I knew, he was wondering what I was always wondering . . . What if.
Andres and Camilo are both surgeons. They are each married to blonde haired, blue eyed American women. They live next door to each other. They each have two boys, ages 4 and 2. All four of them call me Uncle John. The pecking order persists.
Chet and Charles are still together. They are in the Sudan, trying day by day to clear Africa of corruption and to save the world. They will fail, but they will die trying. Happily.
They have adopted six orphans, four of whom are HIV+. They are both big-hearted, committed socialists, and they will keep going so long as there are orphans, especially orphans with "the hiv."
With the help of various governments, we fund their lives. We have been remarkably successful. One Doctor and two lawyers mean we have money to burn. We send it to Africa to save orphans instead of burning it.
I visit Chet and Charles for a month every winter. Last year, Mace came along. Juan was taking the boys and their children to Colombia to meet or visit his extended family. Colombia had come a long way, but not so far that was welcome in Juan's family.
For a month in the Sudan, it was just Mace and I, like it was so long ago in that back bedroom on Tulane, when I had no idea what the contours and shapes of "always and forever" could or would be or could or would mean.
As we talked and walked, hand in hand, I felt like the "Mace and John" story was the main storyline, like Juan was the secondary character, not me. It was the favorite month of my life, me, Mace, and my son. I felt like I was living the life I should have been living all along, if only I had not been weak.
But, I had been weak. And, my weakness had cost me.
If only I had not been weak, Mace and I would have had a life together. A full life.
If only I had not been weak, Mace and I would have children together. Our children.
If only I had not been weak, I would have Mace to myself as I entered the twilight of my life. I would have him, and only him, to hold my hand and to shepherd me home.
If only . . . .
Those two simple words, those three simple syllables, those six simple letters . . . . They haunt me and will continue to haunt me until nothing can haunt me anymore.
Until then, I will know.
If only, the lightning would have stayed in the bottle.
If only, always and forever would have been forever.
If only . . .
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 1 year agoRather than summarizing John as a narcissist, I'm just wondering if this is your idea of what a relationship should be like, DavidPatrick?
I clearly understand the risks of admitting being gay in public, especially during the 1980s. Everyone is naturally hardwired with the idea that you are doomed if you don't have a straight relationship with kids.
However, as much as I understand the idea that some folks think monogamy is just not the norm anymore, I found out this pattern throughout this series that I think is a bit too coincidental?
Most of the gay men in this series just don't seem to be able to stay "loyal" and bang others outside the relationship. The ones that work out, like Avery and Christian, is an open one, "Mace and Juan" is an open one that just can't be a closed one because Juan is being Juan even though he claimed to be "better" and "feels awful when he is a whore to other men."
The narrative was great at the first episode between Mace and John, but as it goes, it gets a bit...repetitive? The three main characters and some others would fall to the pattern of "this is a mistake," "not doing it again, screws the other one related to said mistake," rinse and repeat.
John and Juan are both a mess. Juan keeps sleeping with the others even though he "loves" Mace, then goes "oops, I still can't get the idea of forgetting everything when faced with true love." John's mindset of being pressured on the gay life is questionable since he screws over so many lives of both genders that you would think is a bit silly when the number of victims just keep on increasing like that and he still goes "OMG not gay." Then, the solution to this is never "Let's properly talk it out on the situation and determine whether it's best to move on" and instead just goes "haha open relationship solves everything except not really!"
It feels a bit...toxic? I can't consider it as a happily ever after type of situation since by the end of it, it's more of a "I kinda wanted A, but the other person wants B, but we're too old at the end of it so whatever."
I'm sure a proper open relationship would have a much better communication out of it rather than whatever this is. I saw your bio and it seems like you are currently single and 40, and I realize this might be a bit offensive, but maybe because of those circumstances, that the story feels a bit... surreal and flat due to a bunch of the repeated mistakes for each of the main character?
I also saw the epilogue and it's just... You have to be crazy to be blinded by "true love" if your "crush" can't make up their mind on who to choose after 20+ years lmao. Yes, first love is different, but I'd rather step out rather than dealing with someone that is indecisive and can just jump out of the relationship because said first love is just looming right there near our lives. Also, no, "let's make it an open one and invite this first love in our life" is not an easy way out of it either.
I know what you are going for with the ending, with the what ifs since everyone always have some thoughts on what they could have done different way back, but on this series overall, it's a bit cruel but all three of them deserved this kind of ending.
CocoPop1almost 2 years agoI sympathise with John but he is a narcissistic stuck in a trap of him own making, however I can’t hate him. I’m also still salty about all the lies John said to get about his firsts with Mason. It kinda taints those sweet moments. In the end I’m most happy that Mason got the life he wanted then secondly that John managed to break free from societal pressures to conform and is willing to openly be gay.
Hutchison12almost 7 years agoThe heart wants what the heart wants.... unfortunately John and Mace paid the price for it, loved the story and the epilogue
Notime4thinkingalmost 7 years agoThe really interesting thing here is how you choose to punish John and characterize/politicize his "weakness." Sometimes, self-denial is viewed as a virtue, or an exercise of internal fortitude, buuuut John trying to stay on the narrow and straight path was weakness here. Weakness that inevitably and invariably led to a lifetime of regret and misery. Lol, only to end up kept as a pet in a perpetual man-down position by those "stronger" than he was. How fitting. Aaaaalmost as poetic as the gay, socialist son living in squalor in Africa with a (whisper) black (/whisper) man. Ha ha ha, take THAT, old money, conservative family legacy! ¡Viva la Revolución!
Hmmmm. Seems a little masturbatory. But not the way you typically expect from literotica. I'm just saying.
Still though, politics aside, clearly some of the best written stuff on this entire site.
