Judge Not 01

Although this story is all about sex, and love, there are only a few graphic scenes in it, so just be warned.

Also, this story is critical of religion, so if that is going to offend you, I suggest reading something else. But remember, it is just a story.

Thursday Afternoon. A Suburban Subdivision

Nathan was panting and his heart was beating faster than he could ever remember. Shelby's breast was beautiful, perfect. White, soft, firm, with a dark, hard, puckered nipple surrounded by a small circle of slightly lighter flesh. He had dreamed of seeing it, touching it, kissing it, for nearly a year, ever since he first saw her at the church picnic. She wasn't his first girlfriend, if you used a loose interpretation of the word. He had gone out with Adrienne a few times, and had held her hand, but that was as far as that went. And Liz had kissed him on the lips that one time, after their third movie date, but then they broke up.

But Shelby was something different. Compared to the other girls at Harmony Christian Life Academy, she was a little more daring. Maybe because she came from the city and had actually gone to public school before coming to Harmony, but for whatever reason, she was the only girl that Nathan ever heard question the teachers—heck, she was the only student, boy or girl, who argued with the teachers. Nothing seriously blasphemous, and she never directly disputed the basic principles that they all were taught, but she would push and question the teachers, sometimes to the point of being sent to Pastor Stephens' office.

Of course, Nathan didn't know that when he first saw her at the church picnic. What he saw was a tall, beautiful brunette, wearing what seemed to be a modest sundress that somehow fit her a little more snugly than the clothing worn by any of the other senior girls at the picnic. No one could look at her and say that she was breaking any of their church's written or unwritten rules, but if you looked carefully, and Nathan did, you could tell that she was pushing up against the standards. Also, her eyes were piercing blue, and Nathan thought that they cut right through him. He felt every type of impure thought that teenage boys were capable of, even good Christian boys, and he knew that night he would be secretly touching himself in a way that Pastor Stephens would certainly disapprove of.

Now, months later, his mother and little brother were out, his father was at his accounting office, Shelby was in his room, her perfect breast was nestled in his palm, and Nathan didn't know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss it. He desperately wanted to kiss it, to lick the hard brown nipple. He wanted to bury his face in Shelby's cleavage, immersing himself in her scent, while squeezing her breasts. But somehow he could not.

Nathan forced himself to tear away his gaze from the perfection of Shelby's left breast and look at her face, which was flushed, at her pink lips, of course bare of any lipstick or gloss, which was not permitted, and then at those ice blue eyes. She looked confused.

"Is there anything wrong?" she whispered, which considering their behavior seemed appropriate even though no one was in the house. Her voice was a few registers huskier than usual

"It's all wrong," Nathan said, not quite understanding the words that came out of his own mouth.

Shelby jerked away from him, as if struck, and her breast pulled away from his cupped hand. She quickly hid it back inside her bra and buttoned her shirt, standing as if to flee.

"Wait," Nathan said, asking more than demanding. "Please."

"What did you mean?" Shelby demanded, smoothing her clothing reflexively, returning to a more proper appearance.

"Mean?" Nathan asked. "Mean about what?"

"How is everything wrong?"

Nathan thought before speaking, because he knew that what he was about to say could change their relationship, for better or worse. He had always been a thoughtful boy, considerate and pious. He believed in Jesus as his personal savior, believed in what Pastor Stephens and his parents taught, believed that the Lord had blessed him and looked out for him. But recently he wondered why the Lord had placed Shelby, this luscious temptation, before him. Somehow he knew that this was a test, and it was a test that he was miserably failing in so many ways.

While he thought, he looked at Shelby, who was waiting, but beginning to look impatient at his silence. Why, Nathan thought, would God create this perfect creature, smart and beautiful, who loved Jesus, and then make him think thoughts about her that were impure and improper? And why would these thoughts make him aroused, and make him want to do things that only married people should do.

"I don't know," Nathan finally whispered. "Shelby, I just don't know."

She looked at him and smiled, causing a warmth to spread from Nathan's solar plexus through his whole body. If that was not something divine, then what was it? Nathan shook his pounding head.

Shelby reached out and took his hand. "I don't know either, I guess," she said.

Nathan thought about the past months, as their relationship developed. He remembered the shy, halting conversation that they had at the picnic, when he had poured Shelby a Diet Coke. How he felt that spark, that thing that was missing from his dates with Adrienne and Liz, and he thought that maybe she did too. Which scared him. He had just turned 18, and was beginning to think about college, and leaving town. His parents, of course, pushed for a Christian college, and Nathan was about 90% sure that they had made the right choice. He worried about the Godlessness of the other colleges he had investigated, with their drug use, and drinking, their casual sex, and their liberal professors. He worried about being laughed at, marginalized, mocked for his beliefs.

But what if he had found the girl for him, right there in town? How would that change things? And as the year went on, it got worse.

When school started, they became friends, and Nathan was a bit scandalized by some of the things she said in class, while at the same time being intrigued. She even asked him out on their first date, and after that they were nearly inseparable. They talked for hours before ever touching. Holding hands had progressed to kissing. Kissing progressed to above the clothing rubbing, above the waist, and even that was on the fringes of acceptable behavior, but they had gone no further, until today.

And then there was that breast. In his hand. But they weren't married. In fact, they knew that they would be going to college in different states, hours away from each other, and they knew that time and distance tested relationships. Even though they had said they loved each other, and meant it, they were both smart enough to realize that things you say when you are in lust in high school don't always carry on to college. They had danced around the future, knowing that they did not understand God's will, and that they were in his hands. Like Shelby's breast was in Nathan's, and he didn't know what to do or how to act.

"It is wrong, right?" Nathan asked. He sort of believed that Shelby might not think it was wrong, considering that she had been the one to open her shirt, and didn't stop his hand from reaching in to first touch the smoothness of her bra, and then the warm softness of her breast. And he saw the look on her face, her eyes closed, head tilted back, as he touched her. And he heard the soft purring sound that she made. But it was exactly this, the pleasures of the flesh, that Nathan had been told to guard against for as long as he could remember.

Shelby looked at him. "I know that's what they say, but is it really wrong?"

"We can't. I can't, at least right now. But you need to know that it isn't you. You're so beautiful. There's a part of me that wants to throw you on this bed, rip off your clothing and worship your beauty, then make love to you."

Shelby started breathing harder as Nathan spoke, and Nathan felt her squeeze his hand harder. The mental picture of Shelby on his bed that Nathan created made his cock stiffen uncomfortably in his pants. With effort, he continued, "But that is not how I was brought up, not what I was taught."

Nathan saw Shelby's body relax, and she said. "This is making me crazy. We need to figure out what to do. Maybe we need to speak with someone, because I'm having trouble reconciling how I feel with the words that are bouncing around my brain. I need to understand."

"Not Pastor Stephens?" Nathan said.

"God, no," Shelby blasphemed. "Not him. I know what he will say, and even what Scripture he will quote."

Nathan nodded in agreement. She had been in town less than a year, but had heard Pastor Stephens enough times to know his views on premarital sex, or even premarital almost sex. "What about Pastor Cullum?" Nathan suggested.

"I don't really know him," Shelby said.

"I know he has only been here a few months," Nathan said, "but he was over for dinner at our house a few weeks ago, and he seems like a good guy."

Shelby thought about it. "He is young, and not married," she noted.

"True," Nathan replied.

"O.K.," Shelby replied. "Let's see if he can explain this to us."

Nathan realized for the first time that Shelby intended to essentially ask Pastor Cullum for permission for them to fool around. Or that she would challenge him to explain why in a way that made sense to them. The thought horrified him, initially, but then he wondered if there was a chance that they might get his approval. Even the small chance of this happening made it worth the discomfort. He thought again of Shelby's perfect breast and knew that he was powerless to resist her.

"Fine," Nathan responded. "Let's go to his office after school tomorrow."

"You won't chicken out?" Shelby teased.

"No. I promise."

Shelby took Nathan's hand and placed it on her breast, above the shirt. "Swear?"

Nathan felt the softness and knew that he wanted to do whatever was possible to be able to see it again. But he wasn't sure he could. "Swear," he whispered.

Shelby leaned forward and briefly kissed him, and before he could react, she was heading out the door, saying, "Goodbye, see you in school tomorrow."

He waited until he heard the door slam and Shelby's car engine start before stripping off his clothing and running into the shower. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. As the hot water poured over him, and he jerked off, he tried to understand how the Lord could give man the ability to feel such pleasure, but then deny it to him. Being the good Christian boy that he was, he never, ever had surfed the Internet for porn, had never read a Playboy magazine. His fantasies about women were, previously, remarkably chaste, but now, he had seen an actual woman's breast, and it was beautiful. Imagining the rest of Shelby's body, naked and with him in the shower, Nathan came explosively, and felt guilty about how good it felt. He prayed for forgiveness and guidance as he cleaned the shower to make sure that his mother was unaware of his weakness.

After Nathan dried off and put on clothing, he read his well worn copy of the Bible, looking for something, but finding nothing new to help him.

At dinner, after they thanked the Lord for his bounty, Nathan's father James asked him about school, and they had a discussion about his AP History class. They discussed Tommy's day at school and then talked a bit about baseball, a passion which James had passed on to his sons. Which was the cue for Nathan's mother Marcia to begin clearing the dishes. Nathan and Tommy jumped up to help, as expected, and James brought in the rest of the food.

While they were scraping the dishes into the sink, Marcia turned to Nathan and asked, "Was Shelby here yesterday when Tommy and I were at the park?"

Nathan knew better than to lie because his mother would not have asked the question if she didn't already know the answer. "Yes, Mom, she was." He saw his mother's eyes flash to meet his father's.

"I assume you were behaving," Marcia said.

Nathan was glad that he did not visibly blush, because he felt the warmth of embarrassment flood his face. "Of course, Mom," Nathan lied.

His father jumped in, "Son, we know how things are," he began, looking again at his wife before continuing, "but you must respect your chastity, and Shelby's."

Nathan nodded silently as his father continued, "I don't think it is wise for you to be alone together unchaperoned."

"Dad, we are both 18—" Nathan began.

"All the more reason for you to be careful. You're adults and responsible for your actions." He flashed another look at Marcia, who nodded. "Not to mention, all of our reputations are at stake."

Nathan knew that they were both right and wrong, but he also knew that he had no easy way out, except to agree. "O.K., Dad, it won't happen again," he said.

"Good," James responded. "I think that you will find that to be the smartest and safest course."

Putting down his dish towel, Nathan left the kitchen to go to his room. As he walked, he wondered how much of his parents' concern was really directed toward his well-being, and how much was concern about the neighbors' gossip. Clearly, someone saw Shelby's car in the driveway, or saw her leave the house, and blabbed about it to his mother, he thought. Nathan appreciated the security that his church community had provided him and his family over the years, but as he moved through his teens he began to understand the negative flip side to constantly being watched and judged.

He opened his textbook and immersed himself in his homework, which distracted him at least until it was finished. Nathan then went online for a while, and then left his room to join his father in the living room to watch some baseball. Nathan was relieved that their conversation was limited to the game, and when it was over Nathan went back to his room and prepared for bed.

Lying in bed, Nathan's mind was racing. He knew that meeting with Pastor Cullum was likely to be a waste of time, but he knew that Shelby wanted to do it, and he had found it impossible to say no to her from the time she had asked if he would pour her a Diet Coke at the picnic last summer. Not that she had ever asked him to do anything he didn't want to, although he wasn't sure what he would do if she did. And he had lied to his parents, and also knew that it would be risky for her to come over again when the house was empty. His phone vibrated, and he reached over and saw that it was a text from Shelby. His heart raced just seeing her name on the screen.

"We are going to have that meeting tomorrow, right?" she asked.

Nathan typed back, "Yes. Although I'm not sure what good it will do."

"Maybe," she responded. "But worth a try."

"I guess," Nathan texted.

"No chickening out?" Shelby challenged.

"No. I'll be there," he responded.

There was a pause, and Nathan considered what the meeting would be like. He assumed that their conversation was over, when the phone vibrated again. It was Shelby.

"Some incentive," she wrote, and there was an attachment. He downloaded the picture, and when it opened, it was that breast again. Its delicious curves. The dark, hard nipple. Nathan's heart leapt in his chest.

There was another text. "Erase that immediately."

Nathan erased the picture from the phone, but the image was seared into his brain. It took him a long time before he finally was able to sleep.

Friday Morning, Harmony Christian Life Academy

Public displays of affection were forbidden on the campus, so Nathan received his usual smile from Shelby when they passed in the hall on the way to their homerooms. Today, however, Nathan thought that he noticed a look in her eyes, a look that he sometimes saw when Shelby was in the middle of disputing something a teacher said. It was a look that often led to trouble. Nathan felt himself shiver, but whether it was with fear or anticipation, or some combination of both, he could not decipher.

During lunch, Nathan and Shelby sat with their friends and chattered about the usual things, but when they were clearing their trays and were, briefly, alone, Shelby said, "Nathan, before we speak with Pastor Cullum, we should talk. Meet me in front of the school after the final bell."

This was a new concern for Nathan. Shelby's unpredictability in his regimented world was one of the most powerful reasons that he was attracted to her. That, and her eyes, her wit and, increasingly importantly, that breast. He had absolutely no clue what her real motive was, and he felt like a leaf thrown into a rushing brook, hurtling along who knows where at the whim of a power much stronger than him. He had often thought that way about the power of the Lord over his life, and he hoped that there was some purpose to this all.

He tried to figure out the possibilities. There was, of course, a slim chance that Pastor Cullum would give them some sort of permission to move further in their relationship, a result that Nathan would, of course, enjoy. He could do the opposite, and forbid them from seeing each other, and tell their parents, which probably was improper, since they both were, technically, adults, but would be consistent with the way their church operated. Or there was some sort of middle result, or results, but what they might be, he could not figure out. He decided to trust Shelby, and prayed, while he walked to class, that things would go smoothly. He assumed that praying to see Shelby naked was not appropriate. Although he had not specifically tried that yet, he did not expect that it would pass muster either with the church or the Lord.

Somehow, the clocks in school seemed to move twice as slowly as usual, but eventually the final bell rang. Nathan ran to his locker, swapped out what he was carrying for what he needed for the weekend and went, as quickly as possible to the front of the school. Shelby was sitting on the low brick wall, her long, jean clad legs swinging slowly as she waited for him. She smiled as she saw Nathan approach and slid off the wall so that she was standing when he approached her. It was clear that they wanted to at least touch, but knew they could not.

"Walk with me," she said, and he fell in beside her as they walked down the stone path away from the school door, past the imposing metal cross on the lawn, and toward the road.

Nathan was silent. This was Shelby's walk, and he figured she would get to her point when she was ready. They were at the edge of the campus, heading toward the town, when Shelby led him to a rock outcropping and sat down. They could still be seen from the street, so they still needed to show propriety because anyone driving by could, and some probably would, tell their parents, or Pastor Stephens, if they deviated from the church's rules.

Nathan looked into Shelby's eyes and wanted to kiss her, but knew he could not. Finally, she said, "You must want to know what is going on."

Nathan nodded. "You are being pretty mysterious, you know," he replied, smiling.

Shelby smiled back, and Nathan felt happy. "Before we go to see Cullum, I wanted you to know a few things about me. Things I probably should have told you before."

Nathan's brow furrowed with concern, and Shelby continued, "Nothing bad, I think, but you should know this stuff. It's about why I'm here."

"O.K.," Nathan said, "If you want to. You know you can tell me anything."

Shelby smiled again, and Nathan felt that brightness again in his chest, a feeling that he had to attribute to something holy.

"So, you know that I grew up in the city." Nathan nodded. He realized he was just supposed to listen. "My parents were good Christians. Are good Christians," she corrected, "and they tried hard to instill in me all of the things they believed. And I did, I mean, I do, mostly, believe."