Just Lovers

Paul stared at her, his eyes pleading for her to formulate her sentence.

"I'd really like for us to go out and do something," Jennifer sighed. "Other than fuck." Paul sighed, and began to search through his pockets. Jennifer grabbed his arm and stopped him. "I thought you quit?" she pleaded softly. "You promised me."

"I went back," he sighed and found his package of Marlboros, extracting one before tucking the package safely back inside his shorts. "I'm sorry, Jen. I have no willpower."

Jennifer nodded. "Paul, I feel like maybe...." He lit his cigarette and turned to gaze directly into her eyes. "I feel like we really need to talk," she sighed. He raised an eyebrow at this, and she bit her lip softly. "Paul, I came here because I really...."

"You want to be more than friends?" he questioned softly, patting her condescendingly on the thigh. "I know, Jen. It's pretty obvious."

"No," Jennifer sighed and pushed his hand away. "We are more than friends, Paul. We are."

"Lovers," he stated simply. "We fuck."

"Right," Jennifer nodded. "We're lovers."

"And?" Paul inquired softly, extracting the cigarette and placing it into an ashtray on the table. "What's wrong with that?"

Jennifer took a large breath and let it out slowly. "There's nothing wrong with it, Paul, but I feel more for you than that. Do you....feel anything for me?"

"No offense," Paul laughed, standing up and pacing about the room anxiously. "No offense, Jennifer, but this is not really a conversation I want to be having with you right now when I have important tracks to lay down tomorrow."

"I'm sorry I brought it up," she sighed, standing up and heading toward the door. "I'm sorry, Paul. I misunderstood."

He didn't chase after her, instead, he watched as she allowed the door to slowly close as she exited out into the hotel's hallway. She'd be back, and for now, he needed sleep. So he simply stood and approached the door, watching as her tiny figure disappeared down the hallway. "She'll come back," he sighed aloud, and shut the door.

Jennifer heard the door shut softly, and knew that Paul would take a nap. She was frustrated, hurt, confused, and most of all, she needed to hear a friendly voice. So she pressed familiar keys and watched her phone slowly dial her home number. A gentle pause and she was greeted with the familiar, soothing voice of her best friend. "Am?"

"Jen?" Amberly squealed. "How is sunny California?"

Jennifer could hear her friend's elation, could taste the happiness that was dancing on Amberly's tongue. She wanted to report of happiness and sunshine, instead, she crumbled down to the tacky carpeting, curling herself into an upright ball. "I tried to tell him I loved him and he just didn't listen to me," she broke down and sobbed. "Amberly, I love him and he doesn't love me."

Amberly took a deep breath and tried to make sense of her friend's confession. "Jennifer, slow down," she started. "What...are you talking about?"

Jennifer sniffled into the phone, swallowing back her sorrow before she spoke. "I told Paul I wanted more than....this."

Amberly nodded into her cell phone. "That you wanted a relationship?"

"Right," Jennifer coughed. "Basically. I mean, I didn't directly say, 'Paul, be my boyfriend,' but I came damn close. He blew me off."

"Maybe he's not....Ah, Jen," Amberly sighed, trying to formulate solid advice. "Maybe he didn't understand you?"

"Well," Jennifer sobbed. "I wasn't speaking in Japanese. I was speaking in clear, concise English. Why didn't he understand me?"

Amberly sighed, resting her cell phone on her shoulder. "I don't know, Jen. I don't know. Sometimes men just don't make any sense. As much as I love Paul, he's still a man and therefore, subject to being an asshole."

Jennifer sobbed softly. "I know, I know."

She had dismissed Amberly quickly, not wanting to explain much further the goings on at the hotel and inside the studio. Jennifer needed to vent, Amberly had allowed her to do that. Now she was lost in her thoughts, wandering the hotel and thinking. The truth was, she couldn't seem to focus on anything but him. Physical, sexual him. She was consumed with sadness, and yet, filled with lustful thoughts of what they had done earlier in the day.

She hadn't been off the plane for ten minutes when she'd pushed him into the Ladies Room. Risky, but she'd enjoyed that level of risk. Enjoyed the stunned look on his face as she pushed him against the door, unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts, guiding them down over his bony hips. No words were spoken as she undressed him, reaching her small hand down into his boxers and running the length of him. She worked her hand slowly up, then slowly back down to the base of his manhood, each upstroke slowing as she paused to run her thumb over the head of his length. He'd gasped at her touch, causing her to grin lasciviously.

The look on his face had pleaded with her not to tease, not to waste time. They could be caught, for one; and the punishment for such public indecency wasn't something either of them wanted to chance. After all, he had an album to record. Most of all, he was desperate for her to finish what she'd started. She'd sensed that easily, had removed her hand, gazed into his dark eyes, and kneeled forward to wrap her red lips around his cock. He groaned softly, using the door for leverage as he leaned back and clutched the doorknob. She had increased her pace almost immediately, bringing growls of lust from deep in his throat. She planted a hand firmly against his lower abdomen, trying to warn him to keep the noise low.

Their excitement had rendered the situation hopeless, and he had released within minutes. She had helped him redress quickly, and they had snuck out of the bathroom before they were caught by a nosey businesswoman, or worse yet, Security.

The memory was so vivid, she could still taste him in her mouth, coating the top of her tongue.

She licked her lips and rounded the corner, a giddy smile forming as she crashed into a familiar, tall frame. She nearly fell to the ground, but Chris grabbed her, pulling her back to her feet as he laughed at her clumsiness. "You were off in la la land," he grinned. "Were you thinking of....Paul?"

Jennifer bowed her head and sighed. "Let's go somewhere and talk."

Chris nodded, grabbed her hand, and led her down the hallway. His room was only a few doors down, and they were inside and seated within minutes. Jen had talked the entire walk down, and she continued to ramble, hoping Chris would hold answers that she lacked. "I want a commitment," Jennifer frowned, crossing her hands in her lap and staring up at her friend. "I want to know that I'm more than just a friend."

"Paul loves you, Jen," Chris smiled reassuringly. "I know he does. He's crazy about you."

"I don't feel that lately, Chris," Jen sighed painfully. "I feel like we're friends with benefits, nothing more."

Chris sat on the bed across from Jen. "Have you had this discussion with him?"

"I've tried," Jen offered quickly. "He changes the subject."

She watched him sigh and lay back slowly onto the bed. He ran his hands up his chest and over his face, exhaling loudly. Chris was Paul's best friend. They shared the band, similar interests, and an oddly telepathic personality link. If Chris did not understand this situation, she felt doomed to never grasp what was going through the men's minds. Surely, Chris had to have some insight into Paul that she had overlooked.

"I think Paul's just very stressed out right now," Chris eventually offered, continuing to lie on the bed staring up at the ceiling. "We all are. There's a lot riding on this record, Jennifer. I mean, I don't feel it as much as the other four guys, but I feel it; and there's a definite cloud hanging over us everyday in that studio. I don't expect you to understand, but-"

"I do," she interrupted. "I understand everything, Chris."

Chris nodded slowly. "You're not there every day to fully grasp what's going on there, though. All of the guys are really beating themselves up this time around. They're doing take after take to try and make sure every note is-"

"Perfect," she finished. "Trust me, Christopher, I understand. I know Paul- he's been a perfectionist since we were little kids in grade school. If he put one finger a little too far to the left in his finger paintings, he'd tear them up and start over." She laughed at the absurdity of her exaggerated statement. "Seriously. Paul has always been this way. I understand there's pressure for this record. I understand that they've never had to follow up such shocking success before, and I know that there's an added element because you're new as well."

Chris nodded.

"But what I don't understand is why Paul is evasive and distant with me," Jen continued, sighing loudly and tossing her hands up in the air in a dramatic gesture. "It's not like I'm asking him to marry me. I ask him if he's okay with the fact that I flew out to surprise him, and he skirts the topic. I ask him if he misses me, tell him I missed him. He turns beat red and says he's going out for a smoke. It's not like him, Chris. You and I both know that Paul's never avoidant about anything. He's open and honest, and he tackles the issue before it blossoms into a problem."

Chris nodded slowly, agreeing with her every word.

"I love Paul a lot. Not just as a potential..." her voice trailed off and she paused to ponder the correct term. "Mate? Is that what I want to deem him? I guess. I could easily spend the rest of my life with Paul," she stated softly. "I'd like to. But right now, I'd really like to know where he stands on that matter, because I just spent a hell of a fucking lot of money- that I do not have, mind you- to fly my ass out here to visit him and all he's done is go take a lot of cigarette breaks." Jen laughed out of frustration. "Oh, and fuck me. He's very good at that. He doesn't dismiss himself or leave the room when I'm naked."

Chris laughed uncomfortably with this confession.

Jen grinned. "If I ask to come up for some air, he nods okay and leaves. If I sprawl myself naked across the bed, he runs into the room and is more than happy to be there. I know that we both know Paul well enough to understand what I'm about to suggest is not true, but I feel very degraded, Chris. I feel very used. Does he simply want to be lovers and that's it? Because I want more than that."

"I don't know," Chris shrugged. His eyes were clouded with his own confusion, and Jen sighed loudly as she stood and sat beside him on his bed. "What's wrong?" she offered softly.

"I'm confused too," Chris stated just as softly, turning his head to stare into Jen's eyes. "I've done right by Amberly, Jen. I've called, I've sent flowers, I've done everything I could and she ignores me. She doesn't respond. It's like we slept together and then she fell off the face of the earth. A lot of guys would be ecstatic that she went away so easily, but not me. I'm the deranged looney that wants her in my life for much more than just a once a year fling."

"That's commendable, Chris," Jen offered, rubbing his back for comfort and support. "That's what a girl wants: a guy who'll stick around."

"Then how come Amberly won't even speak to me?" Chris pleaded, his brown eyes lightening with his sadness. "She won't answer my calls, she-"

"She told me you two spoke?" Jen questioned, confused.

Chris sighed. "We did, kind of. I asked her to marry me."

Jen nodded. "She told me that."

"Did she tell you she said no?" Chris inquired, his eyes filling with frustration. "She didn't even consider it, Jen. I barely had the words out and she'd already said no. If she considers that speaking, discussing the topic, then yeah, we discussed. I wasn't trying to freak her out and be weird. I mean, it wasn't like I had sex with her that weekend and then woke up and thought, 'gee, I should marry her?'. I've always liked Amberly. Since the night I met you girls. Since the night I joined the band. She was fun and vibrant and..." his voice trailed off into the silence of the room. "Vivacious. There's a spunk about Amberly that you don't find everywhere. I've had my fill of girls on the road; I've met half the girls in this world. None of them leave me feeling the way Amberly does. I want to wake up everyday at her side."

Jen wiped away a tear she didn't realize had glided down her soft cheek and smiled. "That's so beautiful, Chris."

"Thanks," he blushed. "But it's not some concocted poetry: it's true. I love her, Jen. I don't understand why she doesn't love me."

"I don't know that she doesn't," Jen offered, running a hand through her hair nervously. "I know she really likes you, Chris. I can tell you that. I know that the first night we all met you, she spoke of you endlessly all night long. I couldn't get her to shut up. And when you stripped down naked and ran around the parking lot? Fucking forget it! All I heard about for the rest of the week was naked Chris Wilson."

Chris laughed.

"She really likes you, Chris. You love her. Don't give up on her. The key to Amberly is that there is never a solid answer with her. She's just...." Jen laughed. "She's Amberly, take it or leave it. I've known her all my life and I'm still just as clueless as you are. She's a good person with a gigantic heart. If she hasn't spoken with you yet, she will. I'll make sure she does, don't worry."

Chris smiled. "Thanks, Jen."

"Chris?" Jen smiled with the irony of the situation. "How come we couldn't fall in love? It would be so much easier."

"That's exactly why," Chris snorted. "It would be too easy."

"Did you just call me easy?" a voice called, and Jen and Chris watched the tall male enter the room. "Because, despite the rumors, I am not easy and I resent you for suggesting I am."

Jen laughed at this, standing up to greet their friend. "Billy, you are insane!" she smiled as she hugged the lanky man.

"Was he talking about me behind my back?" Billy grinned, slapping Chris a playful high-five as a greeting. "I was busy recording my tracks for the record and I wasn't here to defend myself. That's not fair. Do you think that's fair, Jen? I mean, I was working hard to earn him a paycheck and he was badmouthing me?"

"Cut it out," Chris laughed, shaking his head at his band mate. "You're a spaz."

Billy raised an overly manicured eyebrow. "Did you just say spaz? Who the hell uses that term, Chris?"

"You just answered yourself," Jen laughed as Billy threw himself down onto the bed nearest the door. "Chris does."

"You're a smartass!" Billy waved a finger in the air. "You two shouldn't be allowed to play together anymore! I'm telling dad!"

Jen laughed at this and sat on Chris' bed beside him. "You're in rare form today, William. What's up?"

Billy exhaled loudly, ran his hands through his stringy black hair and sat up on the bed. He stared into Jen's eyes and grinned. "Not much. I was in the studio with Joel all day, trying to work out some guitar parts, you know? My nerves are shot. My brain is shot. I don't even think I can handle a video game right now, that's how truly worn out I am."

"My god!" Chris gasped. "Someone call Guinness!"

"I prefer Corona," Billy winked, making a playful clicking sound with his tongue. "Anyhow, Jen, I've been wanting to talk to you. You're in big trouble!"

Jen smiled as he pointed at her and grinned. "What did I do?"

"You!" Billy raised his voice, then began to chuckle. "Nothing, nothing. Actually, it's about that piece you e-mailed me a few months ago. When we were in Europe?"

"The vampire story?" Jen questioned, nodding in understanding.

Billy nodded. "Yeah, that was..." he paused and ran his hands through his hair. "That was fucking amazing, excuse my language. I've never read anything like that before. I thought you were more of a drama type girl."

"That's what everyone thinks," Jen smirked.

"Well, I bought into that archetype," Billy grinned. "How wrong I was! You really painted those creatures as being real. I had goose bumps the entire time I read it. I'm sorry, I don't remember the title of the story, but I know I was so engrossed in that piece that I barely slept that night. I just sat at the desk in whatever hotel we were in, and I read and read and read."

"Thanks," Jen smiled with pride. "That means a lot."

"Not to boast or anything," Billy smirked. "But I'd like to think that the lead character was patterned after myself. After all, you depicted him as a gothic stud muffin and I believe that describes me quite well."

Chris snorted. "Stud muffin? Did you just use the word 'stud muffin' in a sentence, dude?"

Billy nodded emphatically. "Indeed, I did."

Jen laughed at the two men. "You guys are too much. Seriously, though, thank you, Billy. That really means a lot. Firstly, that you took the time to read 'Throne Unto Dust', but moreover, that you really liked it. It was my first vampire piece." She sighed. "Frankly, I had no idea what I was doing, and to me, it's not really the best piece I've ever written. I mean, it's only, what? Eighty pages."

"Gee, only," Chris grinned.

"Shut up you!" Jen taunted with a smile. "Anyhow, thank you. I was thinking of locking it up in a drawer and trying to forget I ever wrote it."

"When you're a big-time famous author, I'm going to dig out my copy and show the world," Billy nodded sarcastically. "I'll say, 'This was before she was famous! Before she was giving Stephen King a run for his cashola.' "

"Right," Jen snickered. "Like Stephen King will ever wince at the mention of Jennifer Anne Sterling."

"Soon to be Jennifer Anne Sterling-Thomas," Chris corrected.

Jen laughed. "I wish."

Billy watched the two curiously. "So, you and Paul are..." he allowed the question to hang in the air without any threat of an immediate response.

"Let's go get some dinner downstairs and I'll explain," Jen smiled, standing up and motioning toward the large door. "I'm starving."

* * *

Paul yells at me for writing about such personal items in this online journal. He waves his finger and cautions me against such entries, and I laugh. I say, 'They're protected; no one can ever read them but me.' I laugh at him for worrying, but now I cringe at the thought of anyone ever reading what I'm about to write.

Most of all, Paul.

I had dinner with Chris and Billy tonight, in the downstairs restaurant of this large hotel in Beverly Hills. I could barely afford the cost of one night's stay here, let alone, the bar tab that the three of us ran up only hours ago. Thank goodness for Amex and boys, right? If you could see me, I just laughed nervously at that statement. I laughed because I never thought I'd ever say anything like that, and I cringed because, in effect, I just used two people I consider to be close friends.

Paul's friends.

I told Billy the story of what's been going on lately. I explained that I scraped quarters from mine and Amberly's sofa to buy a ticket here. How I arrived, how I risked public indecency charges to maul Paul in an airport bathroom. The surprise on his face, the kisses and the hugs and the nights of endless sex. I didn't feel the need to censor myself to the boys, so I told the truth: we've been having insane amounts of wild, unabashed sex. What's lacking, however, is what I emphasized most. My need to understand where I stand with Paul, and why it is that every time I try to tackle this subject, he runs.

Like a child avoiding punishment.

I wanted someone to understand. Someone to tell me I wasn't wrong, that I was right for feeling this way. Chris had done his best, had promised me that Paul did, in fact, love me. Coming from Chris, it meant the world and so much more. Why can't I be infatuated with Christopher, God? I would have a beautiful, loving fiancé by now. Instead, I have a chain-smoking, blundering, sex maniac who won't give me a commitment.