Karma Killer

"And let's not forget, when it comes to not telling your spouse about something important, you kinda have the crown on that." I couldn't help that rather nasty observation coming out. It wasn't like she didn't deserve that, either.

She at least lowered her eyes at this, and played with her drink for a moment, slouching down in her chair.

Then she said, slowly, "That's why we are here, isn't it? Why you did what you did? Because of what I did?" Her eyes flicked up at me, briefly.

I shrugged, and she saw the movement.

"So, I killed both of us," she said, flatly.

I creased my frown. "What?" I asked, stupidly.

She flicked her eyes up at me again. "I killed us both. The guy I was with, Jason, I was giving him a blow job while he drove. That's what distracted him. That's why he crashed off the road and into the tree. That's why we both died," she said, in a small voice.

"And now, because you found out, you decided to end your life too, because if I wasn't in it, then..." She looked up again, a very pained and contrite expression on her face.

"It wasn't just that. It's... the way you did it. The way you were found, Ruby. You chose someone else. You confirmed everything I already thought about myself. You chose him. I didn't even know what was going on. I had no clue. I thought we were happy. Apparently not," I replied, bitterly.

"No!" she responded instantly, straightening in her chair. "No, don't say that. We were happy. I was happy. I loved you, moods and weird career choices and all."

I just looked at her, lopsided and unblinking. And she stared back, wide-eyed, challenging me. A 'Don't you fucking dare disagree with me' expression on her face.

Eventually I said, "Well, you sure had a weird way of showing it, Ruby. Most people who are deliriously happy with their spouses don't lie about a work excursion to Chicago, and then die in a car crash outside of Milwaukee, you know? Most people who love their husbands don't have love bites all over their body that are not from their husband when they are found, right? Most wives who protest their happiness with their other half don't spend a week shacked up in a hotel in Madison Wisconsin, barely leaving the room except to get room service, don't you agree?"

It was all said matter of fact. It wasn't worth getting massively upset. We were both dead anyway. What was the point? Plus, the emotional dampening field. Or something.

That last part only came out a week later, when the police started an investigation into why the people in the car were there at all, after they'd contacted me and found out I thought she was in Chicago. They'd tracked the car back to a rental office next to a hotel off the main square in Madison, then expanded out their search from the office and hit pay dirt on the hotel next door. The staff there remembered them both well because they'd shacked up in the honeymoon suite and barely left the room at all.

That little tidbit did wonders for my own self-image, let me tell you. There was no one to rage against. No one to take my anger and vitriol. And no one to talk me off a ledge. I decided what I had to do, what needed to happen. I needed to remove myself from a world that I wasn't a part of, and never would be, a world that had made it plain it didn't either want or need me. So I made my plan and I executed it, just like I'd done a hundred times before. Like part of my DNA. Karma coming full circle.

"I..." she started, before lapsing into silence again and slumping down again, playing with the never opened straw on the table. I mean, what do you say to that?

There was an almost companionable silence for a minute or two. I mean, it was an utterly preposterous situation, so why not a companionable silence? In the words of Ford Prefect, "Why not go mad?"

"I did love you," she said, eventually, to no one in particular. Then she directed her comments at me. "I did. Do. Did. I don't know. I wasn't unhappy. I really wasn't."

She looked at me hopefully. "I need you to know that. I wasn't dissatisfied. There was nothing wrong with you or our relationship. Well, beyond what you just told me, anyway."

I just looked at her, skeptically. I didn't even need to say anything. She knew my looks and what they meant.

"I wasn't!" she protested, more loudly. I glanced around. The phantom bodies in the room couldn't have given a shit.

"Anyway. You didn't tell me any of this. You don't get it, Oliver. You just don't. Spouses are supposed to be there for each other. The whole point is that I take on your..." she groped for the right word and settled on, "demons, and you take on mine. We complement each other. We share. We work together. That's the whole point of marriage. You do not keep something like this from your spouse. Spouses are there to support each other and help out. In Sickness and in Health, remember?" She sighed theatrically and tried to change the subject, throw it back on me.

I eyed her dubiously. She really didn't seem to get that this was not the time to be high and mighty, so I hissed back, "So if we don't keep things from each other, what the fuck were you doing in Madison Wisconsin, shacked up with 'Jason' then?"

She deflated yet again, and then mumbled something.

"What?" I demanded.

"I said," she replied, eyes flicking at me quickly, "It wasn't anything. It was a spur of the moment thing. It wasn't anything in particular. It wasn't like I was planning on leaving you or anything like that. I just needed... spontaneity. To do something that wasn't planned. That was unexpected. To live carefree and just for the moment. He was there, it was offered, I took it. I didn't think about repercussions. We honestly were supposed to be at a course, but it was canceled at the last minute. Jason just said, 'Wanna go and be naughty for a week?' I just said 'Yes'."

She finished crumpling up the straw and tossed it back on the table and then looked up at me. I could tell she didn't want to say the things she was saying, but felt like she had to. It was both a very typical trait or the 'rules' working, whichever you care to believe. She always could never hold in her thoughts and felt the need to express them at the precise moment she had them. Sometimes it led to some amazing exchanges and some real interesting conversation. Not today, however. Now it was just more pain on top of what was already there. Not that with these rules in place, it was going to hit me so hard I would go kill myself or anything. Oh... wait.

"As far as you were concerned, I was already going to be gone for a week. We just canceled the hotel and decided to go somewhere else. Flew into Chicago and went to Madison, since neither of us had been there. We thought it would be interesting to see the city." It was almost a monotone reciting at this point.

"I knew what was going to happen. I was okay with it. I never even thought about you. It was just... so different from our lives. I guess I thought it was like a bubble, you know? A time out from our lives. It didn't impact our lives at all, just mine. You'd never know. I'd get a breather and come back and pick up exactly as I left off. I wouldn't repeat it, since it was entirely off the cuff anyway. It wasn't planned, it just... was. And then... wasn't."

I continued staring at her, blinking very slowly, trying to decide how to respond.

"So, we are at the 'it didn't mean anything' portion of the litany, then? Just a sudden attack of the Martian Slut Ray?" I asked, with a bored tone. She knew the term. She'd read the same stories I had over the years, and we'd talked about it. She scowled when she heard it applied to her.

"Of course it meant something!" she responded, slightly angry. "Don't be silly. Of course it did. But only to me. Not to you. It was no threat to you or our relationship. It was quite literally just a holiday from it. That's it. I did it because I thought in the spur of the moment that I needed it. That's all it was. It's no reflection on you or our relationship at all."

I considered the self-delusion in that statement. While she said we couldn't lie, apparently then she wasn't. She really believed what she was saying. Well, apart from the fact that this was all a figment of my dying brain anyway. But as figments go, it was a doozy, so might as well think it through. I mean what else was I going to do? Dissolve into nothingness and no consciousness? I was gonna do that anyway... Might as well address this now.

"If our relationship was so good, Ruby, why would you need a holiday?" I asked, simply.

She looked at me like I was insane. "Oliver, it may have escaped your notice, but you are not the most spontaneous of people. You observe, you consider, you decide, you plan and you execute. When it comes to buying a house or making a career decision, this is a great trait, and our lives have benefited from it. When it comes to off the cuff love making, it sucks just a little. And for your information, everyone needs a holiday from each other at some point. If only to be reminded of why you are with them in the first place."

"And that holiday requires you to be shacked up with another man for a week, only leaving the room to eat, does it? This holiday needs you to get hickeys all over your body, yes? That doing all that reminds of you why you were with me in the first place, does it?" I demanded to know.

She looked away. No arguing that point, I guess.

She sighed again and then replied, "No, it doesn't. It shouldn't. It did in this case, and I was wrong, and I can't apologize enough for all the damage I've done, for the repercussions it's had. I deserve them, you do not."

I shrugged. As Clint Eastwood's character in the 'Unforgiven' movie once said, "Deserve ain't got nothin' to do with it."

"I don't know what to tell you. I didn't really even think about it while it was happening. It was just a spontaneous act, in a life that had very little of that. Jason was at work, he was flirting. It's not like I was flirting back... much. It was never going to go anywhere, everyone knew that. I mean..."

I broke in, because I was quite annoyed at what she'd just said. I should have been seething but... local rules. So I was 'mildly annoyed' instead.

"So, it's my fault now?" I demanded. "I'm too blame because I'm not 'spontaneous' enough"? I used air quotes to REALLY make the point.

"Yes. No. Of course not." And then she was silent for a moment, and then said, "Although..."

I turned my head and cursed. "Fuck". At least that was still allowed.

"Oliver... I don't even know what I was thinking. I mean, while I was in the moment, I wasn't thinking at all. About you. About repercussions. Nothing. I'm damn sure that once that week was over, I would have been overwhelmed with guilt. You know me... I'd never have been able to just keep it all silent. I'd have gone overboard on trying to be nice to you, or something..."

Her eyes were pleading with me to understand.

"I wasn't thinking about what came next, or what would happen next. It was just this bubble of life, where I wasn't the normal me. I have no idea what expectations he would have had, but it would have been one and done. Above all, please believe that. I was not in love or had feelings beyond the next orgasm for that week. Jason could be charming and funny, but he wasn't you and you are the one who owned my heart. Please, please believe me."

"Just not enough to keep your legs closed. You couldn't have been all spontaneous and visited Disney World instead then? It had to be a weeklong fuck fest?" I was bitter and I knew it, and to be honest, I thought in this one area, I was justified.

She sighed yet again. "Yeah, well... yeah. That's where it all falls down, doesn't it? You are right. There are a million ways to do spontaneous things, without it being that. I just... I don't know what to say. I got caught up. I can only plead insanity. I don't even understand what I was thinking. It's like I wasn't thinking about the future, you, or anything. Just that specific moment in time. Nothing else. I mean, clearly there was future in it. And how I would have faced you afterwards... I mean... I don't get..." She faltered and just sputtered into silence, clearly conflicted internally. There was a pause and then she said bitterly, "And it's not like I haven't paid the price for it..."

I snorted.

"We all did, Ruby."

There was another pause.

"But you didn't need to... do what you did, over it," she gestured at me. "It wasn't worth it. It just wasn't. I was a shitty wife to you. I didn't see what was going on, I didn't see what you needed. Clearly, I wasn't paying attention. You are better off without me, Oliver. Surely you can see that now?"

I shook my head. "You just don't get it," I answered, slowly. "My life WAS you. You were the only thing that made it worthwhile at all. I am just not worth anything else. Never was, never will be. Do you know what it's like to see something on TV, some interaction or something, and KNOW you'll never have that? That that thing will NEVER happen to you? You can't know what that feels like, Ruby. And while you were with me, as my wife, I had a small respite from that."

She tilted her head, clearly distressed and reached over the table to grab a hand each in one of hers.

"I just... I wish I'd known," she said, staring into my eyes. I could see such sadness in hers. "I can't imagine how it feels."

And then... well, I don't even know how to describe this, but something happened.

Suddenly I was not alone. In my head. There was... someone else there. She was there. I could feel it. She was looking out my eyes. Seeing what I saw. She could feel my thoughts. And then, it just exploded inside me. Everything I had felt. Everything I knew inside. All the depth of feeling. The despair, the sheer pain of knowing how worthless I was, compared to everyone else. How I did not matter, neither cosmically or locally. It all just melted together inside me. The feelings just coalesced and I was made to experience all the void I'd ever had, over the years, in one massive lump.

I don't know how a void ends up composed of a multitude of things, but it was.

It was a blob of emotion and expression. Each term part of a whole that made up the inner working of my soul. A writhing mass of self-disgust and loathing. Of having nothing inside.

UNWANTED. Un-necessary. FUCKING WASTE OF TIME. Nothing to OFFER. Waste OF LIFE. LoWeSt of the LOW. Empty. BLACK. Black. Why would ANYONE want me? WORTHLESS. Never AmOuNt to ANYThInG. PointLESS. UGLY. StUPId. FRIENDless. ONLY Value An EXAMPLE of nothING. DUMb. BETTER to JUst LEAvE. LAST onE CHOseN. DEStineD TO AlwAYS be ALONe. No SELF-REspectING WomaN would BE SeEN with Me. EMPTY VESSEL. NEVER going to be ANYTHING. Pointless. Never CHOSEN. UnImPoRtAnt. Laughed at. DERIDED. Nothing TO CONTRIBUTE. Passed Over. Unthought of. Ignored. Disgusting. Un-NEEDed. JEALOUSY. Cold. SAd-Sack. Broken.

UnLoved and UNLOVEABLE.

It all just spilled out. Moving up from within. And there was someone else inside me, to see it. To feel it. To understand and comprehend exactly what it was I felt. What I knew. It had all poured up inside me and she was there to witness it, somehow. Who knows how. I'll say one thing for my subconscious - it maybe a bottomless pit of empty soul sucking void, but it was also infinitely creative. Talk about a weird premise for a life to snuff out on?

But, if I took it for anything other than sheer delusion then for the first time someone actually knew how I felt. And I had to stop it, or she'd be as destroyed inside as I was. And while she may have betrayed everything I needed from her, she still didn't deserve that. No one did. So I forced my hands back, rotating them so her hands were forced to disconnect.

In that instant Ruby recoiled, as though slapped. She held up her hands to her face, her mouth a perfect O, eyes filled with horror, staring at me, as though I was the mutant I knew myself to be inside. She'd seen inside and she knew too now, what I'd always known. How worthless I really was. All things I'd tried to hide for all those years, they were all out on the table now.

She just stared at me, and I tried to avoid her eyes but somehow, couldn't. I couldn't hide myself any more. She saw me for who I was - it had finally happened, everything I'd spent a lifetime hiding. And all I had to do was pass on for that to happen, which was about as apt as anything. So worthless I had to die before she could see me as I really was inside.

I just sat there, miserable as I had ever been, knowing that I this was it. This was where I went to on to wherever I was supposed to be, and it wouldn't be good. At best, it would be nothingness, which is what I guess I deserved.

"...and this is how you feel all the time?" she breathed, horrified.

I finally broke the eye connection and looked away. I didn't need to say anything. It was all evident.

"Oliver!" she insisted, reaching over to grab my arm. "Oliver... is this how you feel inside? Is this what you believe inside yourself? Answer me."

I brushed her hand off and locked eyes with her. "What if it is? What difference does it make? We are both dead anyway. It makes no difference any more, Ruby."

She sagged. "I can't... I just can't... how can you function at all, Oliver? With...that... inside you? How do you get up every day?"

I shrugged. "You learn. I am the very definition of 'fake it till you make it', only I never make it."

"Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, I was your wife and like I said, I knew you had some dark depths but this... this... I just can't... I can't imagine how you get through the day." She was bursting with empathy, clearly. Her eyes tracked me, brimming with tears. A little too late, frankly. Otherwise, we both wouldn't be here.

It was clear to me that I was conflicted. I had been in the days and weeks after her death. I knew the circumstances of her dying. I knew what they implied. The following investigation filled in the blanks and also confirmed the suspicions. And I know their implications for me personally. But... part of me never stopped loving her. For giving me that time, almost free of the inner void. It wasn't a question of forgiveness, or love turning to hate or anything else like that, because I just didn't have the internal space for it. You can accuse me of navel gazing or being self-obsessed, and perhaps you'd be right. But, given the internal dialog, or lack thereof, there just wasn't much space to consider her point of view. It didn't ultimately matter anyway, because she wasn't there to confirm or deny anything I decided to believe. I could decide she hated me and wanted out, and this was evidence of that, or I could believe it was a bizarre aberration, and believe that. I would have no supporting knowledge of what she really believed either way, if I just decided that this was my own subconscious playing around. So it just didn't matter, in the scheme of things.

What mattered was my reaction, and that was forgone, given my own internal situation.

Of course, if this wasn't my subconscious mind playing last millisecond tricks on me... that was a totally different game. But that opened a Pandora's box that I'd never get to the bottom of, so best not go down that path. Not like I had time anyway.

But, still. No matter what her reaction, my own emotional reaction was... unclear. I hadn't really thought about it that much in terms of what I felt beyond the obvious. Did I still love her? Previous to this, it didn't really matter, because she was dead. She wasn't coming back, so it really didn't matter, did it? Would I have forgiven her if I had found out, and she hadn't died? Another good question but again, ultimately fruitless in consideration, so I hadn't spent that much time thinking about it. I may have an inner emptiness, but I'm also pragmatic. You have to be to have the job I had.