Kasey's Confession Ch. 03

The morning after Mike and J.J.'s visit I woke up feeling a lot of strange and conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I felt a sense of relief in knowing that Mike wasn't going to continue to visit and want me to suck his cock. On the other hand, I felt like I'd just been dumped, but feeling like I'd been dumped by a guy was something I'd never imagined feeling. I had started feeling comfortable with knowing there was a man I could go down on regularly, but at the same time I still had a raging battle within me over wanting to dress for men and suck their cocks and wanting to be a regular, ordinary guy.

It was Saturday and I was off from work, so I had my morning coffee, ate some breakfast and took a shower. Then I decided the best way to stop wanting men sexually was to hook up with an old girlfriend and try to rekindle our romance.

I ended up calling Lisa, a woman I had been out with a few times and drifted away from. She was incredibly sexy with a gorgeous body and long black hair, but I felt like we'd never been able to "connect" on any deeper level. Still, I'd found her very attractive and what I wanted most was to have sex with a woman in the hope that would make me feel like a man again.

On the phone Lisa seemed very surprised to hear from me. It had been more than six months since our last date, dinner and drinks at a local restaurant, and afterwards we had spoken a couple of times by phone without ever talking about getting together again.

"I got busy with all kinds of things," I told her. "I couldn't remember why we never saw each other again."

"I was dating this other guy for a while," she told me, "but it didn't work out. You want to meet up for lunch?"

"That sounds great."

I went through a good deal of effort to remove my fake fingernails and take the polish off my toenails. I scrubbed my face several times to make sure all my make-up was removed and pulled my hair back into the ponytail I usually wore. I put on my regular guy clothes and double and triple checked my appearance. I cleaned up my apartment to make sure there was no evidence of anything having happened there the previous two nights, just in case Lisa came home with me.

When I got to the restaurant, Lisa was sitting out on the patio having some kind of pink drink with an umbrella in it.

"Honestly, I was really surprised to hear from you," she said as I sat down.

"I was just glad you agreed to meet me," I told her. "I never meant to blow you off. Things in my life just got crazy for a while and, you know..."

"Yeah, shit happens. So what have you been up to?"

I concocted some lies about trying to get a promotion at work and having to deal with some family issues. As I went on, making up all kinds of details, I looked around the restaurant. Men were looking at Lisa, admiring her good looks and her body, and no one was paying any attention at all to me. I felt strangely jealous.

"Well," she said, seeming to have ignored everything I'd made up and gone on about, "like I said, I was seeing this guy Greg and it didn't work out."

She went on about Greg in such mundane detail, talking about everything from his car to his most minute personal habits, that my eyes glazed over and I immediately remembered why I had stopped dating Lisa in the first place. Once she started talking, she didn't stop. Her voice was so flat, and her stories were so boring, that I just wanted to get up and run away.

I battled the urge. I needed to prove to myself I was still a man. There was no one else I knew of that I could call and arrange a quick date with. Lisa was gorgeous and had an incredible body and I was going to get her to have sex with me. That was the plan.

We ate lunch and talked, although the talking was more a case of Lisa droning on about her hairdresser's dog trying a new dog food and her aunt having her kitchen painted a new color and other mind-blowing topics of a similar nature.

After we finished eating and the check came, I interrupted her monologue and said, "How about we rent a couple of movies and go back to my place?"

Lisa looked stunned. "Seriously? What kind of girl do you think I am? You don't call me for six months and you think I'm going to do you?"

"No, of course not," I said, stammering because the force of her reaction stunned me. "I just thought, you know, we could hang out and have a few drinks and watch a movie."

"Yeah, right, at your place. You must think I'm pretty dumb if you think I can't figure out your game."

With that, she got up from the table and stormed out of the restaurant. I handed the waitress my credit card for the check and sighed.

"You're better off without that chick," the waitress told me.

"Yeah, I know," I said, shaking my head. "She's a mess."

"You know, I swear I've seen you around before," the waitress said. "Have you eaten here before?"

"Once or twice, but that was months ago."

"Well, I've only been working here a few weeks." She paused and then took my credit card and check up to the register. When she came back and handed me the copy to sign, she asked if I shopped at the supermarket she went to, which happened to be the same one I frequented.

Without thinking, I told her I did. "Yeah, just down the street from my apartment. I'm surprised you'd remember me from that, though."

I was starting to think maybe I had a chance to pick up this waitress. She was attractive and far more interesting than Lisa.

Then she said, "You are that guy I've seen in those short shorts at the supermarket. I'm kind of surprised you'd be out with a woman. I mean, no offense, but with those legs in those tiny shorts I figured you were into guys."

"I'm not," I blurted out defensively. "I like women."

"Okay, okay, don't bite my head off. I didn't mean any offense, but you know, walking around like that in those shorts, you're not really going to attract women. I'm just saying."

"Well, yeah," I laughed nervously. "I know THAT. It was kind of a dare from my ex-girlfriend."

"You do have really nice legs," she said as I signed the check and left her a sizable tip. "It must have been one hell of a dare," she added. "I've seen you two or three times in those shorts and you stand out in a crowd."

When I got back in my car, I beat my fists against the steering wheel. The waitress remembering me from the supermarket was one of my greatest fears as well as being a great compliment. I wanted to be able to slip into Kasey on a part time basis while remaining a regular guy the rest of the time. Going out to places in my shorts, accompanied by my usual litany of excuses, was something that excited me. It turned me on. Now I was realizing that I couldn't do that and keep my regular life and my life as Kasey the crossdresser completely separate.

"I just need... to stop..." I told myself out loud.

When I got home, I changed into the bathrobe I'd bought a few weeks earlier. It was a short, fluffy white robe that tied around the waist. There were messages on my answering machine, so I pressed the button to play them while I turned on my computer.

"Hi Kasey, my name is Hank. I got your number from a mutual friend, Mike Dixon, who said you might be looking for a date tonight. Give me a call back, my number is..."

The second message was from another man I didn't know. "Hi Kasey, this is Ted, I'm a friend of Mike and J.J.'s and I'm really interested in meeting you..."

The third message was from Lisa. "Hey, I just wanted to tell you, don't ever call me again. You are a pathetic excuse for a man and if you bother me again I am going to have my brother kick your ass you fucking pervert."

"Talk about overreacting," I said to myself after hearing her message. Still, it felt weird, two men wanting to meet me and a woman telling me off. I was slightly bothered by Mike giving my number out to his friends, but at the same time I figured he was trying to make it up to me for "dumping" me the night before.

I wrote down the names and phone numbers of the two men who called, then took a deep breath and crumpled them up and threw them in the trash. "No more of this shit with men," I told myself, "it is just weird."

I went to my computer and signed in to the account I used when I went into the chat rooms where I met men. I was intending to cancel the account and never sign in again, but then I got two instant messages simultaneously from two different men.

"Heard through the grapevine you give great head," said one.

"I would love to give your mouth a workout tonight," said the other.

I quickly logged off the account and walked away from the computer. I decided I needed a stiff drink. I didn't have anything stronger than beer in my apartment, so I grabbed my wallet and keys and started out the door.

Then I stopped. I was wearing pants, having thrown back on the clothes I wore to meet Lisa. I started walking towards my car, shaking off the thought that I wanted to put my shorts on, but then stopped again.

"Why am I going to spend so much time making my legs look sexy if I'm going to hide them?" I asked myself. Then I turned around and went back into my apartment. It was ninety-something degrees out. I didn't exactly need an excuse to wear shorts, even if mine were very short.

I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and drove to the liquor store. When I went inside the only person around was the woman at the register, so I picked out a bottle of rum and a bottle of tequila and brought them up to the counter.

"Hot one out there today," the woman at the register said.

"Yeah, it's hot and humid as heck."

"You know," she said as she rang up my two bottles, "I wish I could wear shorts like those."

"Why not?" I asked. "As hot as it is out you have to do what you can to stay cool, right?"

"If I had legs like yours I would," she smiled.

I got nervous and said something about long shorts being silly and how if you were going to wear shorts, they might as well be short. She just smiled at me as I went out the door, still fumbling with my words.

I sat in my car for a moment after starting the engine. I dropped my head back against the headrest and sighed. I was so terribly confused, feeling flattered and embarrassed at the same time after the remarks by the liquor store cashier. I wanted my legs to be noticed but I now felt more insecure than ever when they were. I knew it was related to the fact that I had sucked cock, and the fact that I had done it two nights in a row. All my excuses for showing off my legs sounded like bullshit to me now. I had always said things about how I just liked not having hair on my body or even that I was a straight crossdresser. Now all I could think about when anyone said anything about my legs or even noticed them was that they knew I was a cocksucker.

I ran into my neighbor, Bill, when I got home. "That must have been quite a party last night," he said when he saw me.

"Where?" I asked.

"At your place," he said. "I could hear you yelling over at my place."

"Oh," I said, blushing. "I'm sorry about that. I'll try to keep it down in the future."

"No worries," he said with a laugh. "My girlfriend and I were both saying, 'well, I guess we know what he likes' and laughing about it."

I laughed nervously, "Oh gosh, no, my girlfriend and I were watching a porn movie and we must have had it on loud or something because we weren't paying attention because we were, you know, getting it on and I was really getting into fucking her and I wasn't paying attention and it must have been on too loud, so that must have been what you heard."

Realizing how stupid I sounded with my lame excuse, trying to cover for the fact that I knew I had been yelling out "I love sucking cock" for at least an hour the previous night, I quickly unlocked my door, went inside and closed the door as fast as I could.

"Dammit," I yelled and slammed my two bottles on the kitchen table. I pulled the bottle of rum out of the paper bag it was in and pulled a two-liter bottle of Coke out of the refrigerator. I put three ice cubs in a glass, poured in a generous amount of rum and topped it off with the Coke. I drank it down quickly, made another drink and walked into my bedroom.

My answering machine was flashing. There were two messages.

"Kasey, this is Mike," began the first message. "I've given your number to a few friends of mine. They're cool, nothing to be afraid of, but you should meet them. I think you'll like them and I know they'll like you. Call them back."

The second message was from yet another guy. "Hi, my name is Bob. I'd really like to meet you and I'm not looking for just a hookup. Maybe we could just hang out sometime and have a few drinks and talk. No pressure, I promise. Give me a call, my number is..."

I wrote down his phone number and then was going to crumple it up and throw it in the trash with the other two, but instead I pulled those two numbers out of the garbage can, un-crumpled them as best I could, and tossed all three of them on my nightstand.

I took a shower and shaved, which for me was more involved than most men, but I found shaving my body at least once a day greatly reduced the razor burn I experienced when I went too long between shaves. I dropped the sweaty t-shirt and shorts I'd worn to the liquor store into my dirty clothes bin and put on a fresh t-shirt and pair of shorts. Then I made another drink and went out on my balcony and sat down.

My idea was to just get drunk by myself until I passed out, hoping that would stop the thoughts running wild through my mind. Instead, my thoughts intensified and I could not stop thinking about and remembering how much I had loved being on my knees going down on J.J. and Mike. I had expected Mike to continue seeing me and to continue teaching me how to please a man, but when he walked away, wanting me to start dating men on my own, everything felt different. I wasn't sure why. If Mike was directing the action it seemed to be about him and I, no matter whom else was involved. If I went out on my own it became about something more than just sex games with one man. It felt like I was dating men instead of women and that I was now the woman.

The thought appealed to me, but it also scared me. I didn't think of myself as being "gay." I thought of myself as a crossdresser who liked showing off his legs. When I started sucking cock I could still rationalize it within the context of playing out a fantasy, but starting to date a variety of men was something I wasn't ready to accept; at least not yet.

I went back inside and picked up the phone numbers on my nightstand. I looked at all three and put two of them back down. I picked up my phone and took it outside along with the number.

"Hello, is this Bob?"

"This is Bob."

"Hi, this is Kasey. I got your message and thought I'd call you back."

"Oh, hey, I'm glad you called. I wasn't expecting you to call back, at least not so quickly."

"Are you busy right now?"

"Not really," he said. "My wife is out of town on business and I'm just hanging out watching TV."

"You're married?"

"Oh, yeah, I am. Is that a problem for you?"

"No, not at all," I told him. The idea of him being married put me at ease. "Look, I would really like to just hang out, no pressure like you said. I'd meet you out somewhere, but it is so hot out and I've had a few drinks already..."

"I could come over," he said. "I know that sounds kind of forward and everything, but I'm really not a creep or anything. We can just hang out and listen to music or watch TV or whatever. I don't expect anything... although I would love to see those legs Mike told me about."

"Well, I'm wearing a t-shirt and short shorts right now, is that cool?"

"Oh yeah, that sounds awesome," he said. "I could bring over a pizza or some beer or something if you want."

"Whatever you want to bring, that's cool."

"Okay, I'll figure something out. Just give me your address."

After I told him the address I said, "Bob, really, thanks a lot. You sound really cool and right now I am just not into being pressured or having guys expect anything from me, you know? I don't know what Mike told you, but, yeah, thanks."

"No worries, Kasey, we can just chill. It's totally cool."

I finished my drink and then got a glass of water. I didn't want to be stupid drunk when Bob arrived. What I hoped was that he was sincere in what he said and with that I wanted to make a good impression. The idea of just being able to hang out with a man while dressing in my girl clothes was very appealing.

Before Bob arrived I managed to paint my toenails again. When he did arrive I was barefoot in my short shorts and t-shirt and opened the door very casually after he rang the bell.

"Hi, Bob?"

"Kasey?"

"Come on in," I told him.

He had a large pizza with him and a grocery bag that contained a six-pack of beer and two bags of chips. He set them down on the table and asked if I wanted a beer after taking one himself.

"Sure," I said.

"Nice little place you have here," he told me after handing me the beer. "I like your stereo set-up," he added after seeing my rather outdated stereo system next to my desk. What kind of music are you into?"

"I like a lot of different stuff," I told him and pointed to my rack of CDs and my collection of records. "If you want to put something on, feel free."

I had a five-CD changer and Bob took his time selecting five CDs to load into it. Even at the time, the summer of 1999, my system was obsolete. Still, Bob enjoyed picking out music and asked if I minded if he put it on random play so the songs from the selected CDs would play in random order.

"That's what I usually do," I told him.

"I actually work as a sound engineer," he told me after he sat down. "I like old sound equipment from when they made stuff well. Your receiver is what, like thirty years old?"

I laughed. "Probably twenty or twenty-five; I was pretty young when I got it."

"I like it," he said, and we went on to talk about music for the next half hour. It was very relaxing and felt very normal, like two guys just hanging out. I almost forgot I was wearing short shorts and showing off hot pink toenail polish.

After Bob brought over a second round of beers and a couple of slices of pizza, we started talking about baseball and then, out of the blue, he said, "You have got absolutely the most gorgeous legs I have ever seen."

"Oh, wow, thanks," I said, caught off-guard but not at all embarrassed.

"I hope you don't mind my saying that," he said. "I've been looking at them and thinking about saying that since I got here, but I didn't want to be weird or anything."

"Not weird at all," I said with a smile. "I was wondering what you thought."

"Well, your legs are gorgeous."

"Thanks," I said and excused myself as I needed to visit the bathroom. I took care of business and then noticed the bottle of baby oil sitting on my sink. I picked it up and carried it back to the living room.

"I switched a couple of the CDs," Bob said.

"Yeah, I always do that when I do the random thing," I said and then held out the baby oil to Bob. "Would it be wrong of me to ask if you'd oil my legs for me?"

"Damn," Bob said, his mouth falling open. "You are going to kill me, Kasey."

"Well, if you don't want to..."

"Oh no, I definitely want to, but I don't think I could control myself if I... wow... damn..."

I had pulled my seat over so I could sit and stretch my legs across his lap and tossed him the bottle of baby oil. "Please?"

"I said I was going to be a gentleman," Bob said, looking intently into my eyes. "I start rubbing your legs with oil all bets are off."

I pulled my legs off his lap, stood up and put the oil on the desk next to him. "I like hanging out with you, Bob, and I already know you are a gentleman and I appreciate it. Whatever happens now, I'll still want to hang out with you and I'll still think you are a gentleman."