Kim Lazenby's Resumé

The next morning, Fred called me and thanked me for talking to him. Evidently I had broken through his diva exterior, and put him in touch with himself. All these kids really needed was some compassion. Unfortunately for them, it came from me.

**********

Day Two was Garry's party. He hadn't played any pranks the night before, so I assumed he was waiting for the opportune moment, and it wouldn't come at his own house. He did have some sense of extravagance, so my guess was that it would either be at the last party or the first day back at school, and considering his love for attention I suspected the former. After extra preliminary research on Saturday morning, I discovered that Garry was a semi-devoted Catholic.

Better yet, Olive and Ted had yet another argument the night before. So naturally, it was time to set up some trouble between those two. It was perhaps the easiest part of the whole plan. All I had to do was... excuse the anachronistic reference... perform a little inception.

Arriving at Garry's house, I noticed that most people were in the backyard, enjoying Garry's pool. Out there having the most fun was Ted, who was ignoring Olive's pouting in a lawn chair by the fence. She sat next to a thick-trunked tree, on the side closer to the fence. I positioned myself on the side opposite her, and pretended to be on the phone. The general simple-minded nature of the group made this part almost painfully easy. For a moment I thought it wouldn't work. I should not have doubted Olive's dim-wittedness.

"No, he's actually a really nice guy if you get on his good side. He's really caring, and he never disagrees with me. Not to mention he's really good in bed. I know, who would have thought that Garry Middleton would be such a good listener? But I don't think he's the right guy for me. Besides, I think he's really in love with someone else. Probably one of those girls he's always hanging out with. No, I don't think it's Pam. Well anyway; I'm at the party right now so I'll call you after, okay? Bye."

I wonder to whom I was speaking. Whoever it was, Olive fell for it.

As part two, I started a little rumor to all the girls. "Did you know that Ted has herpes?" The women avoided him. And since it was only the concern of women he had the potential to sleep with, the rumor mostly touched the other women at the party. Meanwhile, in a separate conversation, I started a rumor for the guys. "Did you know that Ted slept with three girls at last night's party?" Men surrounded Ted for the rest of the evening.

It seems like a very simple and ineffective way of carrying out my plot, but I must reiterate, this was my first job. Setting that fact aside, one must admit that high school level teenagers are the easiest people to manipulate in the world.

**********

I made sure not to drink anything I didn't bring myself that night. So this time I woke up the next morning with total sobriety and fully intact memory. But the remnants of the first party still wiggled their way back into my mind by total surprise. I woke up to find a text from Fred: "Hit it off with Ted last night." That's when I knew I had great potential.

Putting those two together was not part of my original plan, but as they say in the film industry, when shooting goes awry, improvise. It was time for Sarah's party. I knew I had to finish up Phase One at this party or get off track and possibly only see semi-success or worse; failure.

I started with the star of the party, Sarah. It was very hard to get her attention, as she was busy taking dares. I watched for a few minutes as she shot gunned beers, flashed the crowd, and even peed on someone's car keys. I'm not sure whose.

I won't lie, I had no idea how to take her down with the rest of the group. Sarah was always the one I slightly envied. Although I would certainly never go to the extremes that she dared to attack, I admired her carefree attitude at times. At that age, I did wish I had the courage to show the world my body and flaunt my sexuality. But my courage only extended to hiding in the shrouds of my anti-social world. I did not know that when all of this ended, I would change forever.

But I digress. To find the solution, I made my way up to her bedroom where some couples whose names I don't remember were having sex. I ignored them, and they ignored me. I searched the room through their resonating moans and dirty talk in pursuit of the ever-elusive diary. Eventually, I found the brown leather book that held Ms. Chula's darkest secrets.

Hers was not the average diary. In it I found lists of party tricks, dog breeds, and existing alternative soda flavors (Vanilla Coke and the like). It took some great digging and concentration beyond the orgasmic ululations of the two lovers present to find the juice that I needed. As it turns out, Sarah was a (closet?) bisexual. Not only that, but she was madly in love with none other than mis Pam Schoen. My first thought was one of relief. In my original plan, I was going to be the one to seduce Pam. Now I didn't have to.

My second thought was how to use that against Sarah to destroy her completely. The answer came quickly: a broken heart.

I returned to the party to find that Sarah was taking a break from her circus act. She had collected fifty dollars from taking dares. As she walked away from the crowd, I put on my most gossipy face. "Oh, my, gosh, Sarah!"

"Yeah, yeah I know I'm a whore," she sighed.

"No, it's not that. Come to the garage, I have to tell you something!" I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the empty garage. She smelled like piss, beer, and jello.

"You will not believe what I just heard!" I exclaimed with (and I don't mean to toot my own horn) a tasteful performance.

"Tell me," she shrugged.

I decided to give her the benefit of feeding her my name like I did with Pam, only this time I used a fake name so that it never got through that I was manipulating them. "I normally tell myself, 'Lexi, you have to mind your own business and not gossip," but this time I just couldn't help it."

"Spit it out already."

"Pam totally has a crush on you." She almost showed excitement, but quickly changed to shock. "I know, right? Who knew she was gay? Well, I guess she's bi, but still, that's got to be weird to have a girl like you, right?"

She paused for a second and then nodded slowly. "Yeah, weird."

"Now I know it's not my business, but maybe you should talk to her about it, you know? Let her down easy. But not tonight, she's already in a bad mood."

"Um... when do you think would be a good time?"

"I'm not sure. I'll let you know, though. Definitely before break is over. But don't do it unless I tell you, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks for telling me Lexi."

With that we both went back inside. Now, earlier I mentioned that Garry had a strong relationship with his car. I forgot to explain that it was in a different sense than Ted's respective one. Garry loved his car more than anything, but he knew nothing about it. He knew that the acceleration was nice, he knew that it was sleek and needed good care, but he hadn't the slightest idea of how it worked. It was unconditional love. I say this because it actually holds some relevance.

I was just about to go to Garry and give him some pushes towards Olive, but when I found him, she was doing it for me. All I needed to hear from her was, "It's nice to have a friend who doesn't spout random shit about pistons and engines. We should spend more time together; you know, without the others."

It almost seemed too good to be true. The shear coincidences that allowed me to complete my dastardly scheme made the whole ordeal very surreal to me. It almost seemed like a mystery novel, but from the killer's perspective. But that wouldn't come for a few years.

Sarah's party got less exciting after I delivered the news to her. She was subtly clinging to Pam, who was becoming a little more tactile with any girl she spoke to. Fred and Ted started to actually get to know each other (But I will never know how Fred got him to open up in the first place. Maybe it was my doing, maybe not.), and Olive flirted with the relentlessly horny Garry all night. Phase One had been completed.

**********

Phase Two

Like everybody else, I took Monday off. I spent that time gathering my thoughts and catching up on my music. As I became more cunning, I found that my punk/indie taste had slightly faded. I became more attracted to the enigmatic style of progressive rock. The classics came first, but I went down to the record store and grabbed several albums to listen to whilst I finished my homework assigned specifically to make Spring Break less fun.

By Tuesday, Olive felt much better and was ready to host a party at her house. Phase Two would be the easiest part of the whole thing, especially considering Pam's increasingly good mood. I was beginning to suspect that she truly was a lesbian.

Olive and Ted had not officially broken up, but he hadn't noticed her greater attention to his best friend. He was too busy talking to Fred. Whenever Ted brought up cars, Fred would cut him off with "Greased Lightning" because he didn't really want to hear about it, but didn't want to be TOO rude.

Olive and Garry were playing bartender (yes, she had a built in bar) when Pam found me amongst the partygoers.

"Kim! How are you?"

"I'm not bad, how about you?"

"I'm wonderful, hey do you think we could go talk somewhere?"

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" I asked, suspecting what it would be but not knowing for sure.

"You'll see. Hey Olive! I'm going to use your room for a couple minutes." But Olive was too busy looking at Garry's muscles while his attention was elsewhere.

Pam escorted me through the house until we reached the coveted bedroom of Olive Pentar. We both sat down on the bed and she gave a truly sincere expression. "I want to apologize for the way I treated you on Friday. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."

"It's okay, I'm used to it."

"But you shouldn't be. I mean if anyone ever yells at me for that..." she trailed off, realizing what she was insinuating. I followed her trail.

"Pam? Did you take my advice?" I smiled and nudged her.

"No! I'm not a dyke! I mean... sorry. I'm not a lesbian. I've just been spending more time with girls the past couple of days and I feel a lot better about myself and I just want to thank you for pointing me in that direction."

This was the first and last time I would feel sympathy for any of the six. In that moment I knew that nobody had shown them understanding like I had. I knew them better than they knew themselves, and it was by complete coincidence that I figured out who they truly were. In that brief moment, I almost considered kissing Pam just to get it over with and release her inner homosexuality. Just for her benefit. Then I stopped looking at her eyes and saw the rest of her. A make-up layered husk where a heart once resided. A being so dependent on the rest of the world's eyes that she traded her own for a spotlight on her mask.

I gave her an innocent hug, and we returned downstairs. On the way I said to her, "That special someone could be anyone you know. Anyone." She heard me, but left without response.

I found Ted, who was finally away from Fred. As the only part of Phase Two, I was sure that I would need both that night and the following to convince him of the plan: a Key Party.

It wouldn't be the traditional kind; we would have to alter the rules a bit to fit our capabilities at his house. But the idea was the whole thing would end with a big bang, literally. And why not? Get everyone's sexual frustration out before finishing off the school year. Everyone at these parties was eighteen, so why not just fuck the shit out of whoever happens to be in the room with you? At first, he didn't agree.

"Ted, isn't there someone who you would just love to get a blowjob from?" Somehow he seemed confused by the idea so I listed a few things. "Meg, Sarah, Emma, me?" His eyebrows perked up.

"But what if I get some ugly bitch I don't want to bang?"

"Think of it like this: by the time we get to your house, the only people energized enough to still come to the parties are the cool, attractive, popular ones. There won't be any Brookes at your party. Look, there are less people at this one already. The cool to lame ratio is becoming heavier on your side."

"Will anyone else be into it?"

"Think about it. Announce it Friday and see how it goes."

"Fine," he said, still very skeptical.

Thursday night came and went. But during it, I got a text from Fred: "Ted says okay, whatever that means."

Ted announced it at Fred's party, which had the lowest attendance (he themed it Broadway). A great cheer arose.

**********

Phase Three

Ted's house was quite large. There were enough rooms for fourteen couples (if we used the four garages and the ten rooms, which we did), and as master planner of the whole thing, I arranged it. The party began with more people than would be participating. At first, I thought that Sarah would be too love-struck to participate, but her evil popular side dictated that she play along. At this point, Ted and Olive were officially on a break, so they had no guilt. Fred, now having told me in a sober state that he is gay, was the most unexcited of the group. Ted seemed very indifferent about it. The most excited was Garry, who must also have had his prank ready to go. Pam had actually loosened up, and even though the idea was that she would be with a guy, it didn't seem to bother her. I soon found out why.

I got bribes from a few. Garry asked me for Olive, and Fred asked for Ted. It's not like I wouldn't have anyway, but it was nice to get some money out of it. I brought Sarah up to the drawing table individually to tell her that I would be putting her and Pam in a room so they could talk. Suddenly everyone was happy.

Around midnight, I took everyone down to the cellar, where the wine bottles were being ransacked. It was all part of the plan. An hour later, everyone was plenty drunk. Everyone.

I put names into the jar and drew them out one by one, assigning people their rooms in random orders, and in secrecy. Nobody else would get to know who was sleeping with whom. Not that they would remember.

During that hour when everyone was getting hammered in the cellar, I made my way to Ted's garage and placed a camera in there. Then I went to the master bedroom and placed one there. Finally, to the maid's room; a third camera there.

Ted had requested that I put him in his garage, so I did. Eventually, Fred's name was called and I sent him stumbling off to the garage. I placed Sarah and Pam in the master bedroom and Garry and Olive in the maid's room. Then it came down to the last name. I noticed there was only one more name in the bowl, and there needed to be two more. I sent whatshername off to fuck whatshisface and had the dilemma of having one room without a mate. Nobody would volunteer to go.

Halfway up the stairs I remembered who was in that room – Lyle. He had snuck his way in when he was sure everyone would be too drunk to notice. I walked into the guest bedroom and he jumped to his feet.

"No way! I get to fuck you? What are the odds?" He nearly dropped his pants, but I stopped him.

"Don't get any quick ideas, Sonic. This is all part of the plan."

"Oh yeah, how is that going?"

"Well if I'm right, totally successful."

"Awesome! Thanks a lot uh..."

"Kim."

"Yeah, that," he said, "thanks a bunch."

"Now about the payment," I started. But he cut me off.

"Whoa, payment?"

I looked at him incredulously. "When I offered to do this, you asked me 'How much?' and I told you $500. I expect to be paid by Monday."

"Here's the thing about that: I'm not really getting anything out of this other than seeing those jerkfaces squirm. So the way I see it, you haven't so much provided a service for me as you have an inconvenience for them."

I looked at him like I was going to burst. I understood why nobody liked him, and in that moment I wanted an axe or a sword. "But..." he continued. "...I guess if you actually provide me a service I can give you $250 for that and a $250 tip for fucking with those bitches."

I understood what he meant immediately. Needless to say, I was not happy with the insinuation. "You can't be serious."

With the most disgusting look on his face, his forked tongue spat out, "If you want the money you've got to work for it."

"What do you think I've been doing?" I spat.

"So what's a little more? Besides, wouldn't it be fun?"

I am not opposed to being sexually active. But looking at Lyle and seeing his contemptible smirk ignited the closest thing to true hatred I'd felt up to that point. So I snapped as calmly as I could. "What might be more fun than that is setting this place on fire and ruining the whole plan. You get no satisfaction, and I go back to my normal life."

At first he just laughed. But another look into my eyes and he saw that I was truly crazy. The funny this is that I really would have. Anyone else and I may have considered just playing along with the whole Key Party thing, but not Lyle. I had planned on seducing Pam, and I was okay with that. But not Lyle.

His grin faded and he stumbled out of the room. When the door closed I smiled for three reasons. The first was that I enjoyed being feared. The second was that secretly, and even to myself, it was nice to be desired. Finally, I knew that around this house, the dirt I sought was being compiled on video.

An hour and a half later I heard screams coming from the hallways. I'm still not sure how he pulled it off, but Garry managed to snag all the girls' clothes while they were having sex. Eleven naked girls ran through the house totally naked, screaming from embarrassment, tits bouncing around. I laughed along with Garry and Olive, who was still clothed, but looking ragged. I knew that the embarrassment of those unfortunate girls would never match that of PG-SOFT the next day.

**********

In the spring of 2005, a video website that will go unnamed was in its early independent days. The video regulation was not as strong, and not that many people were aware of it. Even so, I complied the three videos into one and posted it, then spread it around on Sunday, making it the headlining story in the gossip circles at Polk High.

The video opened with an empty room. In walked Garry, looking cocky and drunk. He sat on the bed for a few minutes, awaiting his partner for the evening. Time started to eat at his patience. He walked around the room, pretending to swing a baseball bat, jumping up and down in anxiety. He fell once from his intoxication.

While his back was turned, Olive tiptoed her way into the room. Garry was looking out the window at Ted's massive garden in the backyard. While he was occupied with this, Olive began to unbutton her shirt, a tight fitting baby blue fashion. Her purple cheetah print bra became exposed, confirming her small but perky breasts. She unzipped her jeans, and took them off somewhat clumsily, making enough noise for Garry to notice, and at last he turned around. He looked at her conqueringly smooth legs (which I personally thought were too thin), and swept his eyes up to her chest. Without a word, he charged her and planted his lips onto hers, simultaneously sending them both falling onto the bed.

She immediately wrapped her legs around his torso, and he began to dry hump her. That was the sign that this would not be passionate or humdrum, but a purely hormonal romp.

It wasn't long before Ted had his shirt off, revealing his hairy chest. His mouth started to make its way down Olive's smooth skin, causing her to give a coy giggle, which only turned him on more. She stretched a little bit and smiled more as she reached her crotch, untouched for quite some time. She placed her hands on his head, pushing his mouth against her.