- Erotic Couplings
- Kimberly
- Page 2
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Wouldn't you know, I forgot the instructions she'd written for me, but I got to my buddy's house without too much trouble, albeit almost an hour late ...
*END*
- COMMENTS
Anonymousalmost 14 years agoI thought your story was okay but it needs editing and a little more style, more of your own particular voice in it.
The encounter in the story was fairly sexy, but I was distracted by the lack of writing style and repetitive words. For example, there are paragraphs where you use "ass" many times over instead of opting for synonyms.
Instead of something like, "She bent over and I looked at her ass and then I took her ass in my hands and then I spread her ass so I could...," you could get a little more out of the image by editing it down to, "I looked at her as she bent over. In two steps I was behind her, her ass in my hands, pushing them apart so I could..."
Less is more, especially when you're writing a sense of sexual urgency with things speeding to their inevitable conclusion. It may also be helpful to get more of his sense of things instead of the distant "she moaned" and "I watched" narration. It's too clinical. What about what he felt? How he felt? What strange or small thing does he notice in the room or about Kimberly's body? Is this orgasm different than others he's experienced? It's his POV, so why not give the reader an in to what it's like for him?
Again, I would encourage you to edit unnecessary and/or repetitive words and phrases, and maybe - if you're at all interested in pleasing readers with the obvious, you might consider making your protagonist 's intentions for a one-time quickie (and Kimberly's acceptance of that fact) clearer. An acknowledging look between them will do. Nothing dramatic is needed. That way, his lack of gentle, responsive thoughtfulness won't be an issue.
Good luck.
alexjacksonover 15 years agoAuthorWho said the main character has to be nice?
I mean he doesn't even ask her name until he's leaving ...
Anonymousover 15 years agohate guys who can't eat pussy just tease it and fuck for themselves not even caring if she came. Ur story sucks and so do u!
