Know Thyself Ch. 02

The waitress comes over and asks what we want. Without asking he orders for me. Interesting. Is this how it always goes for girls on dates? Then again, this isn't a date.

When the waitress is gone I look back at him. "Do you normally order for people?"

He looks at me with that half-smile again. "I know what's good here. I figured I could broaden your pallet." There's another moment of silence but he's quick to fill it. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

A boyfriend? I'm not into men, I'm straight. Then again, I guess that means something different in my current state.

"No, I'm single," I smile at him, eyebrows raised. "What about you?"

He shrugs. "It's complicated."

"It's never complicated when you're single, which means you aren't."

He looks at me in a different way. I'm not sure how but I can tell it's different. "Has anyone ever told you you seem mature for your age?"

"More than you know."

Another silence. This time I'm the one to fill it. "So, girlfriend? Wife?" I pause, a sly smile crosses my face. "Husband?"

He snickers at that. "No, no husband."

"What about the other two?"

He looks down at the table for what seems like forever and then looks back up. "You're very beautiful, you know that?"

His words startle me, taking me aback slightly. No one's ever said something like that to me before. Even the women I dated as Ben never said anything like that. I feel warm inside and I can't help the smile that breaks through the witty wall I've put up.

Charles smiles back, knowing he just broke through a little bit.

The waitress brings out our food. The moment is broken and he start to dig in. I have about six pieces of sushi and I start to get full. It's a weird feeling. As Ben I could down two plates of these things. I'll have to get used to having a smaller stomach and a faster metabolism. I lean back in my chair and stare at the food.

"Throwing in the towel," he asks me.

"Yeah. I think I've reached my limit."

"Me too." He calls for the check. We exchange some small talk as he pays and then we make our way outside.

We both stand on the street. I don't know about him but I have no idea what to do next.

"So, want to have a drink back at my place?" He asks the question as if he thinks I'm definitely going to say yes. I'm not.

"No thanks. I should be getting home."

"Are you sure?"

That's such a weird thing to ask. If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have said it. "Yeah. Thank you for lunch."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Oh come on. What do you have to do today? You're a great person to talk to. It's just one drink."

I tense up at the feeling of his hand on me. I realize this is the first time we've made physical contact since the handshake back at the fountain. "No thanks, I really shouldn't."

"Why not?" He's really persistent.

I look back at him, a serious look on my face. "It's complicated."

At that, he releases my shoulder and puts slightly more room between us. He nods his head, finally taking in my rejection. "It's not what you think. I'd love to explain it to you further. Can I give you my number?"

Oh God, why? You're twenty-one years older than me, what do you think is going to happen?

He is cute though.

The thought seems to come from the back of my mind. Why did I think that? There is something to him and I notice when I'm looking at him I don't want to take my eyes away. But nothing can come of this. I shouldn't have said yes to the lunch in the first place. However, if I let him give me his number he will probably go away. And it's not like I have to give him mine.

"Sure," I say in answer to his question.

"Are you going to put it in your phone or anything?"

"Oh right." I should at least make it look like I'm going to keep it. I take my phone out and pull up a new contact. He recites his number and I type it in.

"Well, it was nice meeting you Ashley. I mean what I said."

I look at him confused. "About what?"

"You're a very beautiful girl." He smiles at me and nods. "I hope to hear from you." And on that, he turns and walks away.

I breathe a sigh of relief. That was...weird. There's a man that's walking past me and as he does I see him looking me up and down. Right before he passes he looks me in the eye and smiles, nodding his head. I realize I'm going to have to be careful about the amount of attention I'm going to have now. I'm not used to it. I can't just say yes to anyone. That's how I ended up on this weird date-non-date to begin with.

I look at my phone, the screen on the new contact with Charles's phone number typed in.

Just close the screen. Close the app. Lose the number.

I hesitate. I know I shouldn't but there's something stopping me. Why?

Because he showed interest in you, the voice in the back of my head says.

I hit "save". So I have the number, so what? It doesn't mean I have to call it or anything. What can it hurt to have the number?

***************************

As I sit on the subway coming home, I think about what happened.

He's a married man!

That's all I can think. I suddenly feel this pang of guilt, but for what? Nothing happened. So he bought me lunch? It's not like I'm going to sleep with him or anything. A friendly guy bought me lunch and then gave me his phone number, which I have no intention of ever calling.

Then why did you save it?

I'm not a cheater. So I let some creepy old man hit on me and buy me lunch. So what? It doesn't mean anything.

"Smile." I hear a man's voice from above me. I look up to see a bearded man in workout clothes standing over me. "You should smile more."

What the hell does that mean? I don't want to smile right now. Who are you to tell me to? I give him the meanest look I can possibly muster.

"No need to be a bitch," he says as he rolls his eyes.

Why won't people just leave me alone? What gives you the right to speak to me that way? I look up at the man. "I'm not here for your enjoyment. Please leave me alone."

"Fucking bitch," he says as he walks away down the train car.

I hate this. I hate all of it. Is this what girls have to deal with on a regular basis? People acting like complete assholes with no regard? I mean what the hell, smile more?! I'm a bitch because I didn't follow your command, Mr. Stranger on the subway?

I rest my hand on my thigh and feel the bulge of the coin in my pocket. Thank God I have this. Tomorrow I'll be rid of these weird attractions, middle-aged men hitting on me, assholes on the subway treating me like some piece of entertainment. Tomorrow can't come soon enough!

***************************

I get home and walk through the door to find my mom sitting on the couch reading her Kindle.

"Where've you been," she asks me.

"Out." What else can I say? I'm not going to elaborate on my date-non-date.

I walk to my room and close the door behind me, collapsing on the bed. I look at the silver half-dollar coin and wonder if I've made the right decision. I was angry on the subway but now that I've had time to calm down I realize being Ashley hasn't been all that bad. Despite the world around me, I feel like I truly like myself as her. As Ben, I hated myself. It's not a healthy feeling. If I go back to being him, what am I really going back to? But if I stay as Ashley, what am I gaining?

The door opens and my mom walks in and takes a seat on the bed.

"Ashley, speak to me. What's going on? You've been acting weird. Tell me what's happening."

I want to lay everything on her. The wish and the fountain, how my mind is still a thirty-year old man named Ben but my body is your eighteen year old daughter Ashley, the lunch with Charles, all of it. However I know I can't. She'll have me committed if I do. I just shake my head and look away.

She puts her hand on my back and looks me in the eye. "I know this feels like a weird time in your life," she starts to say. "You just graduated high school, you're starting college, all your friends are moving away. You're going through some big changes."

I huff and shake my head. More than you know lady.

"I've been there too," she continues. "I know how difficult it is."

"No you don't." I blurt it out without thinking. I shouldn't be rude, she's just trying to help.

She puts her hand underneath my chin and raises my head so my eyes meet hers. "Yes I do," she says. "Yes I do. You're not alone."

I look back at her with her words ringing in my ears. I'm not alone. For the first time in a long time I'm not alone. I start to get flashes of memory sitting in my lonely Astoria studio by myself as Ben. Friends who can't even make time to see me on my birthday, relationships that putter out the moment they start, a dead end job that went nowhere and didn't value me at all. Tears start to swell up in my eyes. "I'm not?"

Tears start to swell up in her eyes as well and she smiles back at me. "Of course not sweetie. I'm always going to be here for you, and your father too. Even Jack." The last part she says with an air of laughter. I don't get the reference, not knowing anything about Ashley and Jack's relationship, but I can't help but laugh too.

"I just don't know what I'm doing, Mom." I know she doesn't know what I mean but it is the truth.

"No one does, Ashley. No one ever does. We all just do the best we can with what we've got." She kisses me on the forehead and stands up. "Just be yourself. Change is hard but worth it in the end. You'll be ok." She turns around and walks out, leaving me to ponder what she just said.

I look down at the silver half dollar, tears still running down my cheeks. Maybe she's right. Change is hard but I did ask for this. Two days ago when I was Ben, I would've given anything to wake up as a different person. Any person. Now here I am, an attractive girl at the beginning of her life with the option to do anything. A family that loves me, friends that care for me. What am I really upset about? A man was rude to me on the subway?

I sit there for what feels like an eternity. Before I know it I'm jumping out of bed and running for the front door. My mom stops me before I make it out and asks me where I'm going.

"Embracing change, Mom." I smile at her and she seems to understand, at least on some level. She smiles back as I run out.

Before I know it I'm back in front of the fountain in Central Park, coin in hand. I don't think I'm ready to give this up just yet. Earlier today I looked in the mirror and for the first time in my life I felt love for myself.

I decide to make a new rule. I am no longer going to think of Ashley in the third person. I am Ashley. I am a girl. Ben is the past. Ben doesn't exist anymore. I might still have all of his memories but I am from this point forward Ashley Montgomery. I am me. I am Ashley and I love myself.

I flick the coin into the fountain and watch it sink to the bottom. I look up to the angel at the top of the fountain.

"Thank you," I say out loud. "Thank you." I know it's just in my head and not possible but I swear the angel smiles back. My phone buzzes. I pull it out and see I received a text message.

"wut u up 2 ash" A text from Wendy.

"Loving myself" is all I text back.

After a moment my phone buzzes and I look at the screen. "?"

I chuckle and start typing back. "Don't worry about it. What are you up to?"

"nuthin im bored come over"

I'll be there Wendy. Your friend Ashley will be there.

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