Know Thyself Ch. 03

Thank you to everyone for continuing to read my story. Your kind words are a great inspiration to me!

A quick note about the previous chapter. I've rewritten chapter two, so if you've only read the original chapter I would suggest you go back and read the rewritten one. You'll know it's the rewritten chapter if there's a note like this at the top saying it is. I originally thought there was a much shorter trajectory to this story but after posting chapter two I found there's much more to explore.

I promise not to post rewrites to previous chapters very often and only when absolutely necessary. In this instance, I believe it was.

Thank you again for your inspiration and I hope you enjoy chapter three!

*************

"Big Brother is watching," is the first thing that comes to mind as I stare at the piece of paper I'm holding. I've just gotten back from my usual wanderings around the city. Having no actual responsibilities, I've been spending the last couple of days just walking around. Most of the time I'm people watching, studying the weird idiosyncratic nature of human beings. I've never just sat and watched people before. I've found it to be a very pleasing pass time.

Right as I walked in the door my mom handed me a letter from school. It turns out I'm going to Hunter College. Not bad, a city school. I don't know how good my grades were but judging from my family we probably can't afford NYU or Columbia tuition. The letter turns out to be my summer reading list.

"They had our address wrong in their system," my mom explains to me. "It's not fair that they send you a list of books to read three weeks before the semester starts. What kind of university is this?"

"It's not, it's a college." I correct her, though I don't really know why.

"It is part of the CUNY system, Ashley. Do you know what that stands for?"

"Yes, mom."

"City University of New York. Hunter is just one campus."

"I know."

"Don't sell yourself short, that's all I'm saying." She ends it with an overly big smile that I've seen all too often this week. Something that says "I'm just joking...but I'm also right." I guess I can't argue with her. She is.

The point I can't bring up to her is that I've already read these books. Years ago. In fact, Nineteen Eighty-Four is one of my favorite books. The other two are fairly basic as well. A Catcher in the Rye and Beloved. I'll have to read a plot synopsis of them just because, like I said, it's been years since I read them. Although from the looks of things I'm not nearly as worried as my mom.

"Looks like you're going to be shacked up reading for the next couple of weeks," she teases.

"I'll be fine. I can finish these in a couple days."

"I've never known you to be such an avid reader, Ashley."

"Well I don't have much else to do, now do I?"

My mom laughs at that. "No, I guess you don't."

I walk over to the couch and sit down next to my dad. He's watching one of those nightly news shows. The pundit seems to be upset about something, but then again they always are. I've never been one to care about politics all that much. I recognize the pundit but I have no idea what his name is.

"What did you do today," my dad asks me, keeping his eyes on the TV.

"Not much, just walked around."

"You saw the letter that came for you?"

I nod.

"You think you'll be okay?" He still doesn't look at me but I can tell he's now more focussed on me than the TV. These two really seem to be concerned about me being ready for college. When Ben started college his parents barely asked him two questions about it. Most of the conversations went "how's school," "fine," and that was that. Maybe because Jack didn't go to college they're even more concerned about me? I wish I could reassure them by saying I've already gone to college, so it's going to be a piece of cake.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell them the truth. Probably not. I hope I'm just as good of an Ashley to them as the previous one was. It seems like I have a good relationship with them, so I'd hate to be the one that ruins it.

"I'll be fine, dad." My reassurance puts a smile on his face. "If I can't read three books in a couple weeks, I shouldn't have gotten into college anyway."

He lets out a deep laugh at that one and pats me on the thigh. "That's my girl."

"How was work," I ask him. I need to start finding out more information about these two before I get caught in an awkward situation.

He shakes his head. "Our client is getting cold feet. We were supposed to sign a deal today but their representative canceled. No reason, no warning, just done. People, you know?"

I nod my head though I don't know what I'm agreeing to. That didn't give me much and I still have no idea what he does. "So what are you going to do?"

"Someone in the office suggested I have the guy over for dinner. Putting more of a personal face on our company might soften him up a little. You're free Monday night, right?"

"Yeah, as far as I know." Other than Brian's party tomorrow night, I have nothing going on. One of the perks of this new life I have.

"Good. Now if only I can get an answer from that idiot brother of yours." He sounds annoyed just at the mention of Jack. I wonder what the deal between them is.

"Where is Jack?"

"Who ever knows with that boy." He shakes his head in disappointment and then looks at me for the first time. "At least I've got you."

I smile. It's a weird feeling. I know he's giving me a compliment but accepting it feels like an insult to Jack. Although, for all I know Jack deserves it. I don't know the background here. "Thanks dad," is all I say.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and see a text from Wendy.

"can i come over"

"sure" I type back.

"Who's that," my dad asks.

"Wendy. She's coming over."

My mom's ears perk up from the table. "Oh good. We haven't seen her in a while. I like that girl."

"Hey Ashley," my dad says next to me. "Want to make me a drink?"

Is this something normal in this family? Making my dad a drink? Why can't he make his own damn drink? I wonder if he ever asks Jack to do that or if this is something reserved for me because I'm a girl. I've been noticing a lot of little things like this ever since I became Ashley. I guess I'm his personal bar tender.

"What do you want," I ask through gritted teeth.

"The usual."

Great! What the hell is the usual? I get up and walk to the kitchen. I start to open the cabinets looking for alcohol. Where would these people keep their liquor? I get a glass from the cabinet. I do know where that is. It's just about the only thing I've gotten for myself from this kitchen. I look in the freezer and find a bottle of vodka. I open the fridge and see a bottle of seltzer water. If they have a lime that's what I'm doing. Sure enough, I find one. I pour some vodka and seltzer in a glass and put a slice of lime on the top.

I walk back into the living room and hold the drink out to my dad. He stares at it, a weird look on his face. "Do I look like your mom?"

What's that supposed to mean?

"That's what she drinks," he says through laughter.

"Vodka sodas are good." It's a feeble attempt at making this error seem normal.

"And how would you know?" His eyebrows raise in an accusation that looks half mocking and half serious.

My mom walks over and takes the glass from my outstretched hand. "I'll take it." She then looks at my dad. "I'll make your drink, honey." She gives me a half smile as she walks away.

My dad looks back to me. "Are you too old now to be making your old man a drink?"

Of course I am! I'm eighteen years old, man. What do you think? Of course I don't say that. I just stand there staring at him, my mouth hanging open.

The doorbell rings.

"I got it!" I quickly run to the door to get away from my dad. Standing in the doorway is Wendy.

"What's up, Ash?" She gives me a hug and walks into the apartment. My mom walks out of the kitchen as Wendy enters, a straight glass of whisky in her hand. (Now I know what the "usual" is).

"Hello Wendy," my mom says in an energetic high pitched voice. She continues to walk to my dad as she speaks. "It's been so long since we've seen you. How is everything?"

"Good, Mrs. Montgomery," she says politely. "How are you Mr. Montgomery?"

"Good, good. Are you excited for college to start?"

God, that's all this man talks about!

"Yeah! Very excited," Wendy says. "I can't wait."

Before we get into another college discussion, I chime in. "Okay, we'll see you later." I start walking to my bedroom and Wendy follows me. I close the door behind us.

"That's all he talks about," I say to Wendy as she takes a seat on my bed, dropping her sandals to the floor. "It's always about college."

"Well he's just excited. Like you said, you're his last hope. He's always ripping into Jack."

So it is about Jack. The old Ashley must've told her that. "Yeah I guess. It just gets old after a while. Not knowing where else to sit, I plop on the bed next to her. She looks good tonight. She's wearing a blue dress with floral patterns. The cut of the dress goes far enough down that it shows quite a bit of cleavage without being inappropriate. She has a nice pair of breasts, the Ben side of me thinks.

"You know what you're wearing to Brian's tomorrow night," she asks.

I shake my head. "No. Haven't thought about it."

"Are you and Brian going to get up to anything?" Though she's pretending to be teasing me, I can tell there's genuine curiosity there.

"I don't know." I sound shy and I can't tell if I'm feigning it or if I really am.

"What if he makes a move? Like asks you to his bedroom or something. You going to say yes?"

Shit. That thought hasn't actually occurred to me yet. "I don't know. Maybe I'll say yes," I answer, curling up into a ball with my head on my knees. "What would you say?"

She looks at me lamely. "You know what I would say."

I guess she would jump in bed with him at a moment's notice. She seemed to be into him that night at The Wall. I try to change the subject.

"When do you leave for school?"

"You don't remember?"

I hate all this not knowing. "I...I forgot."

"The twenty-second."

How do I ask where's she's going without seeming weird? "I'm going to miss you."

"Aw. I'm not going that far."

How far is that far? Doesn't give me much info.

"Will I be able to see you everyday," I ask.

"Not unless you plan on moving to Boston."

So she's going to Boston. Still don't know which school but at least I have a city.

"I wish I could," I tell her. I look her in the eye and she looks right back. We just hold the stare for a moment. I really like her. I can tell why we're such close friends. I've noticed that girls don't do anything for me physically since I've become Ashley but suddenly I feel a tingling in my body as I look at her.

"I wish you could move up there with me." She says it very softly, almost as if it's a secret between us. I can't tell if it's just me but I feel like there's a deeper connection here. What is our history? I feel drawn to her.

"Yeah." It's all I can say. Should I do it? Should I lean in and kiss her? I don't want to ruin our friendship if I'm wrong. There has to be something between us though. Friends don't just sit and stare into each other's eyes like this.

I start to lean in and I see her eyes close. She's not saying no. I close my eyes as well just as our lips touch. Wendy lets a soft sound escape as our lips caress each other's. Our mouths open and our tongues meet. My hand is on the side of her neck. The softness of my hand caressing the softness of her skin. The kiss seems to spark a familiar warmness inside of me that I've only felt with men so far. If I'm not attracted to all women, I can tell I am attracted to this one.

Wendy pulls away and immediately I can tell something is wrong. She looks down, averting my eyes. "We've talked about this, Ash."

What does that mean? What have we talked about? "I...I..." I'm stuttering.

"It's not fair to me."

"Why?"

She sharply looks up at me, her eyes an accusation I don't understand. "If you like me, then tell me you like me."

"I like you." I say it reflexively, not thinking. I don't understand what she means.

"Don't play with me, Ashley." I can see a tear start to swell in her eye. We've done this before but what was the outcome?

"I'm not."

"So you're into girls now?" The question is more accusatory than anything else.

"Yes. I mean, I don't know."

Now the tear slides down her cheek and she wipes it away. "That's always how it is with you. 'I don't know, I don't know.' I had enough courage to come out to you, why can't you just be honest with me? One day you're into girls, the next day you're not. I can't be your girlfriend on the days you are and your friend on the days you aren't. You can't keep doing this. Kissing me and then saying it was a mistake. Just make up your mind!"

Oh wow. Wendy is a lesbian. And apparently I'm a tease. What do I say to her? How can I tell her I forgot about our history without insulting her? I need to find a way to deal with the people in my life while not knowing anything about them. The other night I made a decision to embrace my new life as Ashley, my new life as a girl, but how can I do that if I'm missing eighteen years of memories?

Suddenly an idea comes to me and I wonder why I haven't thought of it before. It's perfect!

"I'm sorry," I say to Wendy. She sniffles and wipes another tear from her face. "I need to tell you something but you have to keep it secret."

"Don't tell me you're a lesbian but need to stay in the closet. That's bullshit Ash and you know it!"

"No it's not like that. This is serious. Something happened to me earlier this week that's been making things really weird."

"Yeah, I know," she snaps back. "You've been acting weird ever since last Sunday at The Wall."

"Yes! Sunday, that's right! That's what I'm talking about." I start to get a little excited, my voice raising as I amp up. "Something happened to me Wendy and I need your help. Seriously."

I grab her hand and she doesn't pull away. I look her in the eye, pleading. I can see her soften.

"What happened," she asks.

I take a deep breath and then I tell her. "I have amnesia."

There's silence as she processes what I said. I can't tell if she believes me or not so I quickly fill the silence.

"On Saturday night I was taking a shower before I went to bed. I slipped and hit my head on the wall. I think I passed out for a couple minutes because I woke up in the shower with the water still running." The lie seems to glide right out of my mouth without any hesitation. "I got up, dried myself off and went to sleep. When I woke up Sunday morning, I couldn't remember anything. I mean anything! I had to look at my ID to figure out what my name was. You remember Sunday night you texted asking if I was still coming out?"

She nods.

"I asked you where we were meeting because I didn't know we had plans. I had to look your picture up on Facebook just so I knew who you were. And remember when Brian showed up? He asked me for my phone number?"

I wait, but this time she doesn't nod.

"I couldn't remember what my number was. It's really bad, Wendy. I've been trying to piece my life together all week. I don't know anything. It's as if...as if I was born on Sunday. As if there was nothing before that."

I wait to see if she'll say something.

"I don't even know who those two people outside are. I know they're my parents. I figured that much out. Other than that, I don't know anything."

Again I pause hoping she'll say something. She doesn't.

I hold her hand tighter. "Please Wendy, help me."

I finally stop talking for good. I'll sit here in silence forever until she says something. She's looking down, avoiding me. Finally, she pulls her hand away and I see a tear drop from her eyes.

"We're done, Ashley." Her voice is soft, shaky, and it scares me more than if she yelled it at me. She lifts her head up and looks at me, her eyes filled with tears. She wipes them as she sniffles. "Amnesia? Are you serious? That's low, even for you. You want to kiss me and when I call you out on it, instead of owning up and acting like an adult, you make up some elaborate lie about amnesia?"

I wish I could tell her the story might've been a lie but the memory loss isn't.

"You're supposed to be my friend," she says, every word laced with pain. "I have never lied to you. Never. Do you realize how much courage it took me to admit to you that I'm attracted to girls? That all those times I talked about boys, I was faking it? Do you know how scared I was when I told you that for the first time?"

I nod, even though I have no idea.

"That was called honesty. I was honest with you. And you can't even once, bring yourself to be honest with me. I trusted you with one of the hardest things in my life and you play with it like it means nothing."

"That's not what I meant-"

"Yes you do," she cuts me off. "Yes you do. And every time you cross that line I think 'this is it. This is when it finally becomes real.' And then you tell me some bullshit story about amnesia."

"It's not bullshit." Not all of it.

"It is bullshit, and so are you."

She gets up, puts her sandals on, and walks out of my room. I run after her as she makes her way to the front door.

"Wendy, wait!"

She walks out the door and I follow her. She stops at the stairwell and turns around.

"If you had something secret, something you haven't told anyone ever, how would you feel if the one person you told made fun of it?"

"I didn't-"

"Yes you do. I trusted you with my biggest secret. You've never trusted me with anything."

She turns around and walks down the stairs. I let her go, deciding not to follow. I don't know what else I can say.

She does have a point though. I didn't trust her with my biggest secret. How can I? Let's be honest, if she didn't believe I have amnesia, she'll never believe the actual truth. I have to find a way to fix this but I have no idea how. Maybe I'll tell her I'm a lesbian. I mean I do like girls. Although I don't. But I remember liking girls. It was only last week I was Ben Telaney and I would've given anything to be with a girl. But today, even the most beautiful girl does nothing for me.

But I did feel something with Wendy. What does that mean?

I turn around and walk back into my apartment. Both my parents look up at me.

"What was that about," my mom asks from the couch, her vodka soda still in hand.

I shake my head. "Nothing." I walk back into my room and close the door.

*************

I wake up in just about as bad of a mood as anyone can wake up in. I look at my phone on my side table and see it's eleven o'clock. I slept in through the whole morning! Today is going to be such a great day. And by great, I mean complete shit. However, I know exactly who I'm going to take my anger out on.

I get out of bed and tear that stupid Taylor Swift poster off the wall. I crumple it up into a little ball and punt it at the wall.

Write a song about that, Taylor!

The ball of poster bounces off the wall and tumbles back to my feet. I stare down at it and take a breath. I guess it is a little harsh. It's not her fault. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I look in the mirror.

Do you still like yourself?

Yes. Yes I do. I'm still doing better than when I was Ben. I might've lost my best friend but at least I still like myself.