Know Thyself Ch. 06

Thank you everyone for such positive feedback on this series. I want to add a quick note for this chapter. Due to life's events, chapter seven will take a little longer to post. I've been trying to post chapters between a week and a week and a half apart. Chapter seven will probably take about two weeks or two and a half weeks to post. I'm sorry for the delay but figured it's best to let you know now.

Thank you for continuing to read this story! Enjoy!

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Who am I?

My name is Ashley Montgomery.

My name is Ben Telaney.

Maybe my name doesn't matter. If my body and my gender have no bearing on who I am, maybe my name doesn't either. I've started to realize that when I dream, I see myself as Ashley. When I close my eyes and let my mind wander, it's Ashley who is wandering. However, I feel like I'm the same person from before the change. I like the same things, I have the same tastes, and I think the same way.

And therein lies the problem. I think the same way.

When I first made the wish to be someone else, I thought it would make me happy because I didn't like Ben Telaney. Little did I know "Ben Telaney" was just a name. What I saw in the mirror was just a body. Even with the changes, I can't help but fall into my old habits.

One of the things I didn't like about myself when I was Ben was the loneliness. People would ask me about my "taste in women." My "taste" really boiled down to whoever liked me. If someone showed interest, I was head over heels. I hated that part of myself. I just wanted to know someone liked me because it felt like so few people did. Maybe that's why I made the wish? If I was someone else, more people would like me. Well, now it seems like more people do and therein lies my new problem. But before I even think about that, I can't help but feel that same loneliness. How can I have two people who like me but still feel lonely?

The last couple of weeks have been tough. When Matt and I had our talk about our relationship and I agreed to be his girlfriend, I wasn't sure what to expect. Now he's in full on boyfriend mode. I'm not complaining, mind you. I like him, he's very sweet, and he makes me feel good about myself. The problem is Alana. I don't think that night in the dorms was a random hook up. She's been very clingy and we've been hanging out a lot. We've hooked up a couple times since then. Nothing as intense as that first time, but definitely nothing G-rated. Much more than Matt and I have been hooking up, but that's mainly because Alana has her own room and Matt still lives with his mom.

I'm cheating on my boyfriend.

I didn't intend for this to happen. It's not like I went out looking for someone else. When I think of cheaters I think of my friends back at Penn State. They all had girlfriends but when we went out, they acted like they were single. It was like they were only in a relationship when their girlfriends weren't around. We're talking about guys who have landed amazing girls. I would've given anything to date their girlfriends and they acted like it was nothing. The thing that made me sick was that they didn't feel any remorse over it. They acted like it was completely normal. My image of someone who cheats has always been them. A "cheater" is someone who doesn't care about someone else's feelings and just does what makes them happy. They don't feel any remorse.

Well I do.

I feel a lot of remorse. I can honestly say, when I went to Alana's dorm that night, I did not think anything like that was going to happen.

Then why is it still happening?

Because I like her.

That's the truth I'm trying to avoid. I like her, and it's not like I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm not like my friends back at Penn State!

But I am. I'm just like them. Just because I feel bad about it doesn't mean anything. My actions are the same and I hate it. The remorse is what's causing me to stay somewhat distant from both Matt and Alana. I can't seem to just enjoy my time with either of them because the enjoyment makes me feel bad. Then that same feeling of loneliness kicks in and here I am today, right back where I started.

I've also been spending the last two weeks trying to figure out if this means I'm a lesbian, straight, or bi. All of my life I've always thought those are the only three things you can be; straight, gay, bi. Officially, I'm into both men and women, so that must mean I'm bi.

But I don't feel bi.

How does one "feel bi?" Since I was straight all my life as Ben, I always figured something felt different if you were gay or bi. I know now that sounds ridiculous, but that's what I thought. Not consciously, mind you. It was always this subconscious idea that I never said but felt in the back of my mind. Gay people know they're gay because they "feel different." Well I don't feel different now, so what does that mean?

Maybe if there's no such thing as gender, then there's no such thing as sexuality?

Maybe I'm none of those things? But that's impossible, I must be something. I guess the thing that's confusing me is that I'm not attracted to all men and I'm not attracted to all women. As Ben, I can pretty much say I was attracted to all women.

At least I think I was. Maybe even that was just an assumption.

I find now that I'm only attracted to specific people. I'm attracted to Matt but not many other men. I'm attracted to Alana but not many other women.

Except Wendy. I am attracted to Wendy.

I wonder if the original Ashley felt like this before I took over. But then again, the Fountain Man has told me there was no "original Ashley." I'm Ashley. She was me before I took over, I just don't have her memories. I still don't fully understand it.

Classes have been easy just like I anticipated. My College Algebra class is a joke, College Literature is a breeze. I'm also taking a psychology course and that one is a little tough. This is mainly due to the fact that I don't know anything about psychology, so at least I have something to keep me occupied. I'm also taking Intro to Political Science and that is somewhat interesting. I've never understood why they call it a "science". I guess if you have to classify everything as either an art or a science, it would fall under that. Unfortunately I couldn't get into a health class. The only one offered conflicted with College Algebra and I'm definitely not dropping that. It's the only one I have with Alana.

It's late Thursday afternoon and my Poly Sci class has just finished. Luckily I don't have any Friday classes, so every week is a three day weekend. Oh the joys of college life! I told Alana I'd hang out after class, so my next destination are the dorms on Ninety-Second Street.

It's about twenty or so blocks away. The subway would be quicker but it's only two or three stops. The weather's not that bad. The heat has finally let up and you can tell fall is beginning. I wouldn't exactly call it cold yet, but it is nice enough to walk. When I get to the street I start heading uptown. This part of the city is filled with Hunter students. All the Starbucks' and pizza shops are filled with them. I miss the college atmosphere. It always seems like there's a lot going on, that people are doing big things. Having worked a nine-to-five for the last twelve years, I forgot what that felt like. That's always the thing I liked most about New York City. It feels like a giant college campus, just with some really old and some really young students. For the price it costs to live here, you might as well call it tuition.

I wonder what Wendy's doing right now?

She said we'd reconnect after the semester's started. It's been a couple of weeks now, so the semester is in full gear. She didn't specify an exact amount of time, so maybe I can try now? I'd love to hear her voice again or just see her name pop up on my phone. Maybe I'll text her. That's innocent enough, right? An actual phone call might be too forward, an email is too distant, a text is the right amount of interest.

As I walk down the street I pull out my phone and look up her name. There's a picture attached to her contact info, something that looks like a birthday party from a couple of years ago. She's over-smiling in the picture, play-mocking the camera. It puts a smile on my face. She's happy in this picture. Much different from the last time I saw her. I click the message button and start typing.

"Hi. I hope it's okay to text you. Just want to see how school is going. How's Boston? Is it cold up there?" I pause for a moment because it feels like something is missing. "Miss you." I hit send. The message goes through, Delivered written underneath the message. As I walk, I look at my phone, waiting for those three little dots to pop up showing she's typing back.

Nothing.

Is it cold up there? As I reread the message I think, what a stupid thing to ask. God I'm so lame! Well, it's done now. My attention is still on my phone when something breaks me away.

"Hey!" I hear a man's voice call out to me. As I glance to my right I see a guy who looks to be in his late twenties with a friend. They're both smiling to each other.

Oh God, not this again.

Knowing what's about to come, I put my phone away and keep walking.

"Hey, what's your name?" He calls out to me with an air of mockery.

I don't turn my head and keep walking forward.

I should've taken the subway.

There's just as much of a chance of this happening there as well though.

The man catches up to me and matches my stride. I can hear his friend lagging behind a few steps.

"Don't you hear me?" He asks, still laughter in his voice.

I glance over and shake my head.

He reaches out and tugs on my forearm. I quickly pull away, taking a step to the side to put some more distance between us.

"Whoa Whoa!" He sounds like he's trying to calm a wild horse and it pisses me off even more. "Take it easy, I'm just trying to say hi."

"I don't want to say hi." I know I shouldn't engage. I've noticed that's the worst thing you can do, but I can't help it.

Now his friend chimes in behind me. "She's too good to say hi to us."

"Yeah, don't be like that." The man next to me still has that infuriating tone of voice. "I just want to get to know you."

"Please leave me alone." I try to sound as forceful as I can. We are on a crowded street. If need be, I can scream.

"Why, you don't like men?" Out of the corner of my eye I can see him smirk back to his friend.

"No, I just don't like you."

That was a stupid thing to say. Don't piss them off. You don't want to escalate this.

Why is it my responsibility to not piss him off? I didn't ask for this confrontation. The man seems to take this as a challenge.

"Come on, don't be like that." He gets closer to me and puts his hand on the small of my back.

"Don't touch me!" I yell out as I jerk away from his hand.

He gets closer again and this time he puts his arm around me. I'm about to pull away but his friend flanks me on the other side. My heart starts beating fast. They're clearly bigger than me, probably by about eight or ten inches and much stronger. I need to get away from them before this goes further. Obviously saying no isn't deterring them.

I start jerking back and forth to shake them off. The man on my right, the one with his arm around my shoulders, uses his free hand to reach over and pinch my breast.

"What the fuck?! Stop!" My yelling is only amusing them more. I feel the friend on my left put his hand on my ass, so I spin around on instinct. This stops my forward motion and now they really corner me in. The man who was on my right spins me around and now I'm face to face with me.

"Come on, I just want to know if you want to hang out sometime. Let me give you my number."

"Please let me go. Please." I can hear the stress in my voice and I can't imagine they don't hear it. I feel the man behind me put his hands on my hips and he pulls me back as he rubs his crotch on my ass.

"Help!" I call out to anyone on the street. It's reached that point. I need someone, anyone. "Help me, please!" I look around in both directions.

There's a man that walks up to us. He looks to be in his fifties, clearly much older than the two harassing me.

"What's going on?" The older man seems to ask me but is eyeing the two men.

"I don't know these two! They won't let me go!" I plead to the man, asking for his help.

"Hey man," the harasser in front of me says to the older man. "Mind your business. I'm talking to my girlfriend."

"I'm not his girlfriend! I've never seen these guys before."

Now another man and a woman come over on the opposite side of the older man. The new man doesn't beat around the bush.

"Why don't you assholes leave this girl alone?" He stands right next to the harasser facing me.

The older man takes care of the harasser behind me, pushing him away from me so we're no longer touching. The new man does the same to the harasser who's facing me.

The woman gently puts her arm around me and pulls me away from the circle.

"You okay?" I can hear the concern in her voice, her face inches from mine as she looks me in the eye.

I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine.

The four men continue to argue. The woman with me turns to the scene.

"I'm calling the police," she calls out as she unlocks her phone.

"No, don't do that." I say this to her knowing she will anyway. I don't want to end up on the local news tonight. Before I can say anything else I notice she fake dials on her phone and then puts it to her ear.

"Yes it is." She says this though I know no one else is on the line.

"What you calling the police for? We didn't do nothing bitch!" The harasser calls out to the lady next to me.

Her friend doesn't take that lightly. "What'd you call my wife?"

She tries to talk very loud so everyone can hear her. "Someone was assaulting a girl on the street. My husband and someone else are trying to stop the men." She pauses for effect. "We're on the corner of-"

"Fuck this! That bitch ain't worth it anyway!" The harasser who was behind me says to his friend. They both start to walk away, yelling curses back at us.

Why can't I walk down the street without it turning into an incident? I hate this! Ever since I've become Ashley I get harassed like every other day on the street. I can feel tears start to swell behind my eyes, trying to make their way out.

Don't cry! Don't show weakness in front of these people!

Both men come up to me but it's the older one who speaks first. "Are you okay?"

I nod.

Don't cry.

The lady can tell I'm distraught. "It's okay, they're gone. It's okay."

"Yeah, don't worry about those assholes." Her husband says to me.

"Thank you." I say to the group but avoid eye contact.

I don't remember the last time I cried but I also don't remember the last time I felt this threatened. I'm on a sidewalk in the early evening on a Thursday! How can this happen?!

Suddenly I can tell I'm not going to be able to hold the tears back, I need to get out of here. I thank them again and rub my eyes as the first drops start to come out. I walk away as they try to console me further. I think the woman can tell why I'm leaving because right before I turn around to walk in the other direction I see her put her hand on her husband's arm, signaling for him to let me go.

What the fuck?! What is wrong with people?! This is not okay. What makes people think they can treat me like this?

I never had anything like this happen to me when I was Ben. I suddenly feel so stupid for ever thinking "I'd love it if people catcalled me on the street." This isn't catcalling, this is harassment. As Ben, I always knew it was wrong. I never did it, but I also never thought there was anything wrong with it. Now I know I felt that way because I never had it happen to me. What if those people didn't stop and help me? Those men weren't going to let me go.

I keep my head down all the way to Alana's dorm building. I'm no longer crying but it's obvious I was. I text her to come down and sign me in and when she does, she can tell immediately that something happened.

"What's wrong?" Alana asks me as she grabs my hand.

Hearing the concern in her voice brings more tears to my eyes but I shake my head.

"I'm fine." I tell her.

She signs me into the building and we make our way to the elevator. The look in her eyes makes me feel sad.

"Ash, what happened?"

I tell her about the incident on the street and she looks appalled the whole time I tell it. We walk into the common area of her dorm as I finish the story. Tamra and Barbara are sitting there as we enter. I stopped crying before we walked in but it's still obvious I was. They ask what's wrong and Alana relays the story to them.

"Those fucking assholes!" Tamra doesn't beat around the bush.

"Yeah seriously, what the fuck?" Neither does Barbara apparently.

Barbara walks to the mini fridge and takes out a can of PBR.

"Here. This'll make you feel better," Barbara says as she tosses it to me.

"You guys still have alcohol?" I say jokingly, appreciative of the beer.

Barbara shrugs. "Turns out the 'zero tolerance policy' is just for show. The RA's don't care."

We watch TV for a little bit. Judge Judy has become everyone's post-class show of choice. Eventually Tamra and Barbara have to go, each of them having their own separate dates tonight. Barbara with Mark, Tamra with the library.

"I don't believe you're doing one of those assholes." Tamra jibes at Barbara.

"He's not like his roommates," Barbara says, trying to defend him. "He's much cooler than them.

The two of them leave and Alana and I are left alone on the couch. I lean my head on her chest and she rubs my shoulder. She turns the TV off and I sit up to look at her.

"I'm sorry that happened to you today." She says to me.

"It's okay, really it is. I'm not as upset as I look. I can't believe I cried!"

"Everyone cries."

"Do you?" I ask her, half jokingly.

"Of course I do."

"Punk-rock girls don't cry."

"Punk-rock girls cry, we just punch and kick while we're doing it." She says with a smile on her face.

We lean in and kiss, then sit with our foreheads touching.

"I like you," she says to me.

"I like you too." I really do. Maybe it has something to do with her being the person to console me after what happened today, but I'm starting to realize I really like her.

More than Matt.

"I'm glad you decided to take Algebra," she jokes.

"I'm glad you have such a talented tongue," I joke right back.

She pulls away and feigns a look of shock and then jabs at my stomach with her index fingers.

"Ash! You're dirty!"

Her jabs tickle and I start to squirm and laugh.

"You're dirty!" I tease back.

She notices I'm ticklish and her jabs turn into full on tickling.

"You're the dirty one! You're a skank," she says as she tickles.

I try to speak through the laughs. "Stop...stop!"

"Skank-tastic!" She almost yells it.

I lean in and kiss her, the only thing I know will stop the tickling. The passion fueling our lips builds and we hold each other tight.

Suddenly I pull away.

"I have to go," I say.

She looks confused and I can't blame her. "Why?"

"There's something I have to do."

"What?"

"Can I come over later tonight?

She nods. "Yeah. What's wrong?"

I smile at her. "Nothing is wrong. It's the opposite, everything is right.