Know Thyself Ch. 08

That's how Wendy just looked at me. Like she didn't know me. The thing that happened with Rose shouldn't mean anything to me. It happened sixteen years ago, not to mention I was a teenager at the time and now I'm an adult. But even today when I think about it, I feel embarrassed, like my dignity has been striped away.

What if my mom looked at me that way?

Not wanting to go home, I decide to go to the library. I used to hang out there a lot given how quiet it was. Whenever I'm in midtown I'd make a trip there as opposed to taking the long subway ride back to Ray Ridge. When I get there, I decide to look up Jack. Maybe I can check in on him. I know he won't know me but it would be nice to see how his life has turned out. I do a search on Facebook but come up with nothing. He doesn't seem to have a profile.

Maybe he doesn't exist either?

I decide to do a Google search on his name.

Jack Montgomery New York, I type in. A few results come up but immediately one pops up because it has a birthdate attached to it and the date is his. The document is a court transcript. I click on the link and it takes me to a records database. It turns out Jack was arrested for possession of heroin.

He did mention something to me the other day about having gone to rehab.

As I read the transcript further, I find the sentencing. Apparently he had worked out a deal to do mandatory rehab as opposed to jail time. However, it says he never showed up to court on the day of the sentencing. The judge decided to go with the jail sentence instead.

Jack is in jail!

Oh my God. In Ashley's world, he must've shown up to court on that day. I can't even visit him. I mean, maybe I can, but what's the point? He's not going to know me. It's one thing to pretend to run into someone and start a conversation, it's another thing to specifically go visit an inmate. Poor Jack. I wonder how our parents' are? (Well, Jack's parents in this life.) I realize, I don't want to know.

I sit at the computer for a long time, just staring at the screen. Why was I brought back to this life? What's the point? I miss being Ashley. I miss seeing my face in the mirror and the friends I had. What do I have in this life that I didn't in the other?

I can legally go to a bar.

There is that. It's not too late to have an Octoberfest. Oh boy, I can drink, what a relief. I would trade that for being a girl any day of the week.

That's when I stop and think about that for a moment.

I want to be back in a girl's body because I am a girl. But what does my body have to do with the way I dress and act?

Just because the Fountain Man has forced me to live life again as a man doesn't mean I have to accept being one. I'm a girl now, it doesn't matter what I see in the mirror, I know who I really am. So why am I dressed like a man? Why am I speaking like a man? Why am I telling the world that the person they see is a man when I know I'm a woman?

I go back to the computer and look up the nearest clothing store. I click the link for the store's website and start browsing the inventory. I wonder what size I am? No matter what I say, that has changed. I can buy some clothes, but what about my hair? My hair is short, it's not like Ashley's was. I do another search for a wig shop. This is New York City, you can find anything here. There is a shop about twenty blocks away, and after clicking on their website I can see the wig won't be that expensive. I mean, it is expensive, but not "out of my league" expensive. Plus this is important.

Just because I'm in Ben's body doesn't mean I can't be Ashley.

But what's the point? Why buy these clothes and a wig and makeup just to sit at home? I should go out. I should take advantage of being over twenty-one again while I still can. I do a search for gay bars around my home and find a place called Castro Bar. Then I realize it's in Washington Heights. I looked up places around Ashley's home, not Ben's. I'm about to redo my search when I realize, a gay bar in Washington Heights is bound to be much better than one in Bay Ridge. Looking at the pictures, it seems like a fun place.

Tonight, I'm going to Castro Bar as Ashley.

The clothing store is the first one I go to. It's local from the looks of it, but it did have a website, which is a good sign. I walk in and immediately I realize it's strictly women's clothes. The lighting is very dim and it has a red and black motif. It's the middle of the day, so there aren't that many people here, but immediately a couple of the employees see me and glance back to each other. I put my head down and start walking around. I'm a little embarrassed. They must be talking about me. Why would a man be browsing for clothes in here?

But I'm not a man, I'm a woman. I'm a woman.

I keep repeating that to myself as I look around. There's a nice looking dark blue dress that catches my eye. It has a slit down the middle to show your cleavage. I'd love to wear this as Ashley, but right now I'd prefer something that wasn't open on the chest. Since I don't actually have breasts, I'm going to have to buy a bra and stuff it.

Looking around, I see a few things that stand out but nothing that I'm too interested in. The thing I have to keep in mind is that my current figure isn't the most appealing. I should take note of this store and come back here as Ashley (if I ever get that chance again).

I finally stumble onto a blue dress with a high neckline. It'll definitely hug my hips but it fans out around the legs, so maybe it won't be that tight around my stomach. I look for the biggest size they have and pull it off the rack. There's a section of bras, so I go there and find the most basic black bra they have. I don't need anything fancy, just something to put on underneath. I take two, the biggest size they have and one slightly smaller.

I go to the dressing room and of course this has to be one of those places that has an attendant. I'd much rather see myself to the room. I'm not embarrassed about dressing like a girl because I am a girl. The thing I don't like is that I know she's judging me, or even laughing at me behind my back. I hate that feeling, even if I know they're in the wrong.

The attendant gives me a weird look for a moment and then snaps out of it. I can't be the first man she's ever seen shopping for women's clothing. She raises her eyebrows at me and then swiftly turns around and walks me to one of the dressing rooms. I put my stuff down and close the door.

Finally, some privacy!

I take a deep breath and look at myself in the mirror. Here I am, in all my glory. Fat, ugly, Ben. After looking at myself a little longer I think, I'm not the fattest guy out there. I do have some good qualities. I take one more deep breath and start to strip down, leaving my boxers on. I hold the dress up in front of me. From the mirror I can see it looks like it'll fit.

Maybe I'm not as big as I thought I was?

I decide to try the bra on first, this way I can put the dress on over it. I start with the bigger one. It's actually much bigger around me than I thought. Too big in fact.

Wow, I'm not the biggest bra size!

It's the little victories in life you have to cherish sometimes. I take the smaller one and put that on. It fits much better, not as loose but not digging into my skin. I can probably stuff this with tissues or something later on.

Now it's time for the dress. I slip it on and fumble for the zipper in the back. After doing a mini Cirque du Soleil act, I finally get it zipped up. I pull the dress down, flattening it out and take a look at myself in the mirror.

I...I look good!

I really like it! It actually fits very well on me. Wow, I actually like how I look. This dress has done wonders on me. Or maybe not. Maybe it's not the dress that's making me look better. My whole life I've always hated the way I look. Deep down I've always seen myself as a fat, disgusting, boy that no one desires. I've always thought the problem was my body. Now I see maybe it's never been my body, just what I put over my body.

Have I always felt like this?

My newly found sexuality is something I assumed was created when I became Ashley. Maybe it's not as "new" as I thought. Have I always had these feminine feelings? I don't think I was ever sexually attracted to men in the past. Although, even as Ashley I'm not entirely attracted to men. I'm attracted to both men and women. Was I like that when I was Ben? Maybe I never let myself even think about it? I always felt like I had to put on this persona of masculinity. Maybe that's where all my feelings of self-doubt and self-hating have come from. I thought today I'd be putting on the persona of a woman but I think all this time I've really been putting on the persona of a man.

I thought I've become a woman, but now I see I always have been.

I start to get a little choked up. Tears start to swell in my eyes and smile spreads across my face. I'm me. I'm finally and truly me.

I take the clothes off and take a moment to collect myself. The attendant outside already thinks I'm weird enough as it is, I don't want to come out of the dressing room an emotional mess. I nod to her as I walk by and return the large bra to the place I found it. I pick up one last item, a pair of panties. I then take the dress, the bra, and the panties up to the register. There's another employee up there and she greets me with a very warm smile.

"Find everything you needed today," she asks me.

I nod. "Yup."

She starts to fold the dress. "I love this one. I've been thinking of buying it myself."

I nod again without saying anything. I can't tell if she's mocking me or being sincere.

She tells me the price and I give her my card. After I sign the receipt, I hand it back to her and she hands me my bag. As I take the bag, she puts her hand on mine and pulls me in slightly.

"I think you're going to look gorgeous," she whispers to me with a big smile.

I'm taken aback for a moment and I can feel the tears start to swell up in my eyes again. I stutter for a moment before finally regaining myself. "Thank you. That really means a lot," I whisper back.

She nods and I turn and leave. I wish I caught her name.

The things people do in their day without realizing the gravity of what it means to others.

Or maybe she does. That's probably why she did it. She probably pegged me the moment I walked in that door that this is the first time I've shopped for women's clothing. At least, the first time I've done it while being a man. Actually, come to think of it, I haven't shopped for clothes yet as Ashley either. Though to be fair, Ashley doesn't need anymore clothes. Ben is in desperate need of them.

After an undisturbed walk down a couple New York City streets (this idea is still so crazy to me, walking around without anyone harassing me), I finally find the wig shop. It's not the most inviting of places. From the outside it looks like a rundown bodega. You can see wigs in the windows, but the glass looks stained and old. It's the kind of place you would pass by without even noticing. I walk in and am greeted by a million blank styrofoam faces, all with different wigs of shapes, sizes, and colors. On the wall to my left, a woman stands behind the counter looking bored. It almost looks like she wakes up from a nap as I enter. I nod and start walking around like I know what I'm looking for.

What I really want is something that looks exactly like my hair. Well, not "my" hair as it is now, Ashley's hair. Something blonde that goes just past my shoulders. Straight and fine. It's amazing how many different variations there are, ranging from very authentic to wildly fake. I'm tempted by a chin length neon green wig. However, I'm not trying to draw attention to myself. This isn't for attention, this is for me. However, I'm also tempted by a red wig. Not fake red, but authentic red hair. I do have the skin tone for it.

Finally I come a cross the perfect one. It's Ashley's shade of blonde and as I hold it up I can see it ends just past my shoulders. I put it on my head and it feels like it fits perfectly. It's a little pricy, as most of the wigs in this store are, but it's exactly what I need.

I bring it up to the counter and the woman lazily starts ringing me up. After another swipe of my credit card, I'm out of the store with my hair. Hopefully I won't be around to pay this bill. The last stop I make is to a Duane Reade for some makeup. This proves to be much easier since I know exactly what I'm looking for. Having spent the last two months putting on makeup most mornings, I know what my brands are. As I walk back to the subway to head home, I realize what I've collected is a kind of "Ashley-in-a-bag". Then it hits me. There is one thing I'm missing.

Shoes!

I can't go out in Ben's shoes. I need a nice pair of heels. There is a decent shoe store near my parents' house. Instead of wandering around the city some more, I decide to head home and pick up my heels there. It's time I saw myself as I really am!

The shoe store was uneventful. You'd think the clerks in a store in Bay Ridge would've given me more looks than the clothing store in Manhattan, but it was the other way around. The woman who helped me didn't seem to think twice about me and I was in and out in no time. The next issue is hoping I can walk into my parents' house and get to my bedroom and put my stuff down before my mom or dad stop me and ask what I've bought. It also sounds like they might be critical of me buying things in my current financial state. I will admit I don't want to know how bad that's gotten in the last two months. Going that long without work sounds like a nightmare.

I open my front door and peek in. The living room is empty and I can't hear anyone in the kitchen. Maybe no one is home. I close the door behind me and walk as quietly as I can to the hallway. Before I pass the kitchen I peek in. Sure enough, no one there. I decide stealth is probably not the best option at this point. I quickly make a dash for my bedroom and close the door behind me.

I made it!

I lay the dress out on the bed and start to strip down. As I do, I realize there's something I've forgotten. My body hair. When I'm fully naked, I take a look at myself in the mirror. I'm going to need to remove all my body hair if I'm going to wear this dress tonight. This is something I didn't have to worry about as much when I was Ashley. I only had to shave my legs and my armpits a few times since Ashley's hair doesn't grow that fast.

Plus the one other place I shaved.

I peek my head out of my bedroom door.

"Hello?" I call out, but no one answers. I wonder where my mom went?

Being fully naked, I hop down the hall to the bathroom and close the door behind me. If I'm living here, I'm sure I have some shaving supplies. Sure enough, when I open the medicine cabinet I see my old razor. I replace the blade and find some shaving cream. It is a men's razor but it'll have to do for now. I start to fill the bathtub with warm water. A warm bath sounds perfect, now that I think about it. I look at myself in the mirror as the bathtub begins to fill with water.

"Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you," I say out loud, trying to train myself to speak more like Ashley. "I'll have a Jack and Coke. I'll have a Jack and Coke. Why, it's so nice of you to offer me a drink."

I don't sound exactly like her, but with each try I find the higher pitch of my voice.

"This body is just a loaner. I'm just visiting." I pop my hip out to the side and lift my hands over my head. "I am a beautiful woman." For a moment I think I hear Ashley's voice but I know it's just in my head.

I glance over to the bathtub just in time and dive down to turn it off right before the water spills over. After draining some of the excess, I step in and rest for a moment. The water is slightly below scolding and feels amazing. I could fall asleep here, but alas I have work to do.

I start with my legs and work up my body. It seems every inch of me has hair. I even have to shave my fingers. No one would probably notice the small hairs there, but why not? It feels like the whole process takes forever. Knowing me, all of this will grow back in a noticeable way in about three days.

Imagine having to do with twice a week?

The thought gives me a shiver. I hate shaving. But I could get used to taking warm baths. I don't know why I've never done this regularly before.

Once I'm satisfied with the smoothness of my body, I wrap the towel around myself. At first I wrap it just around my waist, but I decide that's not how a lady does it. I wrap it around my chest to cover the middle part of my body, leaving my smooth legs revealed. I open the door and immediately I can tell someone is home. I quickly skip into my room and close the door. A quick scrub of my body dries me off and I slip into a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt. Not quite a girly outfit, but then again I only have one at the moment.

I make my way down the hall and hear sounds coming from the kitchen. When I peak around the corner, I see my mom sitting at the table.

"Hi mom." My voice comes out in the same high pitch I was just practicing. I try to recover quickly. "Hi. Hi."

"Hey Ben," she says as she takes a sip from her wine glass. She's opened a bottle of Chardonnay and it looks like she's just started on a fresh glass. I immediately can tell something is wrong. She has that weathered look I've seen so many times in the past.

It means my dad has upset her in some way.

"What'd he do?" I ask.

She doesn't look at me. Keeping her eyes down at the table, she shakes her head. I walk over and wrap my arms around her shoulders and give her a kiss on the top of her head. She gives me a kiss on my arm and gives it a squeeze. I take a seat next to her. I can tell there hasn't been any tears, her eyes don't have the remnants of that. She just looks more defeated.

"You're father's not going to be home until late," she says.

"Why?"

She gives me a forced smile. "Something going on at work."

I know this isn't the issue.

"Was it about me?" I ask.

She shakes her head and takes another drink. I get up and get myself a wine glass and pour myself a healthy share. I hold my glass up to toast.

"To us," I say.

That gets a little laugh out of her and she clinks glasses with me.

"To us," she says.

I glance up at the clock on the wall and realize it's still pretty early. It's only six o'clock. I probably shouldn't get to the bar before nine.

"Well, since it's just the two of us tonight and you're already well into happy hour," I say as I teasingly gesture to her cup. She giggles at that. "I'm going to make you dinner. You just sit right there."

"Oh no, Ben. You don't have to-"

"Nope," I say, cutting her off. "I'm cooking you dinner mom. You just sit right there."

She smiles and gives me a loving look. I can tell she appreciates it. To be honest, I have no idea what to make. I look in the freezer and find some tilapia. Not the most exciting fish, but I start to have an idea. I look in the cupboard and find some pasta. Then I go to the refrigerator and see we have some heavy cream.

I can make Pasta Alfredo with Tilapia.

I start to cook and my mom watches me the entire time.

"Something seems different about you," she says behind me.

"Oh yeah?" I say, glancing over my shoulder. "Like what?"