Kyros-giolla Institute Ch. 12

As it was almost two o'clock in the afternoon, 'breakfast' was more like 'lunch' though it was limited to some nuts, cheese and pineapple. Bryndis made sure to steer the conversation away from the events of the day; he wanted Annis to write about it as he knew from their time together that it would give her time to think about what she was saying and consider it more carefully. She did try and bring it up, but he put her off by a simple 'Not yet, Annis.' Instead, he used the time to give her some more techniques for pain maintenance during a scene.

'You've already experienced a few ways to stay in touch with pain during a scene. That is what I want; I want you to be in touch with the physical sensations of pain, the way it makes you feel, the fire coursing through your body and the shocks to your skin, muscle and bone. I want you to be in pain when we're doing work like this. I don't want you to escape it or ignore it, but acknowledge it, follow it and feel it. Do you understand?'

Annis had just taken a large bite of fruit when he started talking and her eyes bulged a bit.

'But I thought that the main part of this was to make it so that I can handle more and more pain. Or, at least, to become used to it as a part of being giolla. I mean, I read about it before I came here - subspace, I mean. Isn't that something that we're supposed to learn how to do? How can I do that if I can't learn to push past the pain? You know, to go further?' She looked really confused and, Bryndis thought, more than a little scared.

In truth, she was scared. She had thought maybe that he had been so harsh on her because this was the first day of pain training. She had thought that he would maybe use this to show her why certain ways of ignoring pain or 'entering subspace' (however one did that) were so important. She wasn't sure she could handle this sort of pain often, as a constant part of her life. She was even having some trouble eating, as she had to keep reminding herself not to let her arms brush her breasts; every time she accidentally did, it sent fire through her. But... she loved the way his face looked when he came into her, strong and angry even. 'It's how he would look in a fight or in battle,' she thought, feeling a warmth spread over her pussy that had nothing (or, at least, very little) to do with the early morning beating. But Bryndis was already answering her.

'Many Kyros and, outside of the Institute, Dominants might want you to know how to do it, but I don't want you to do it. And, frankly Annis, that should be enough.' He looked directly at her. He didn't think it was a bad point, or a bad question, but he wanted to know how far this seemingly reformed Annis would go. Would she still ask him again?

'I'm sorry sir. I will try and learn what you teach me, but I would appreciate it if you could explain why, please.' She looked at the floor, flushed, but a note in her voice did sound as if she was confused and just trying to understand rather than having the petulance he had heard fairly frequently in days past. 'Good,' he thought. 'She's learning.'

'Of course, Annis. Thank you for asking so kindly.' His voice took on a slightly sharper tone, saying 'in the future, I warn you again, you would do well to remember to trust me first and then ask me to explain my rationale, rather than question my commands.' He stopped eating and looked at her questioningly for a moment. 'You have trouble with that, my dove, don't you?'

She nodded. It was exactly that she had recognized after the beating. She was so frustrated with herself - even with her best intentions to trust him, to acknowledge him, she just couldn't get the balance between trusting him and satisfying her curiosity. And, she suddenly realized, her belief that she knew best. 'Oh my God,' she thought. 'By saying what I just did, I was sort of saying that I thought I knew better than he did how to teach me - how to teach me about what he wanted!' When she thought about it, she realized how crazy that sounded. 'I'm an idiot!' She actually felt like she might start crying again any minute.

What she said out loud, however, was merely 'Yes sir, I'm so sorry.'

He saw that she was about to cry again. 'Maybe,' he thought, 'this is actually the first time she is sorry. Hmmmm... maybe this will be more of a breakthrough day that he had thought. 'Let's see just how sorry she is then,' he thought further, standing up.

'Annis,' he said looking down at her where she sat on the rug in front of the opening where they usually ate, 'do you want me to help remind you?'

She nodded.

'Ask me.'

She looked at him then. 'Please, Bryndis, my Kyros, will you help me remember to trust you and not question you?' She looked a little afraid still, but mostly just sad. She sounded like she really did want his help.

This was not the way Bryndis would usually choose to help with this sort of problem. 'But,' he thought, 'it might be the most effective...' It certainly fit with the day's main theme of pain training.

'Close your eyes and hold your right arm out, palm up. Don't move it.' She was right handed; this would certainly give frequent reminders over the next couple of days.

'Yes sir,' she said, doing as he instructed.

Bryndis walked away but was back in moments carrying the crop, though Annis couldn't see it, of course. He stood behind her and said, 'Ask me again, Annis.'

'Please help me, sir.'

Before she had had quite finished, the crop was cutting through the air. Landing whack across her palm, he had intentionally hit her with the stiff shaft. Immediately, she jerked her hand into her body and whipped around to glare at him, tears in her eyes. Just as suddenly, he saw across her face the realization that she had just opened her eyes when he had told her to shut them and drawn back her hand when he had told her not to move. She quickly turned back around and held her arm back out. Still, this was precisely what she had twice asked him to help her overcome. He sighed, loud enough that she would hear it. He was still for a few moments and she did nothing but shake and cry. She didn't move her hand again, though. He could see the red welt rising on her palm, but he had to address what had just happened. And he had to go further.

'I'm waiting, Annis.'

'I'm sorry sir, I couldn't help it, I just was surprised and I reacted. I-' He cut her off.

'Annis, you can help it. We are exactly here in order to change your reactions.' He stepped forward close enough to give her two swats on her right breast. She cried out then and curled forward, but she kept her arm out, palm mostly open. 'Good girl,' he said, running the crop down her front, 'but Annis, I'm still waiting.'

'I'm sorry sir,' she said, 'but I really don't know what you're waiting on. Will you tell me?'

'That, Annis, was a very good question, asking without challenging.' This time he ran a hand across the back of her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. She shuddered, this time not from pain. 'Geez,' she thought, 'I don't know if I love this man or if I'm afraid of him... or both!'

'I'm waiting, my dove, for you to thank me and, if you think you might need another reminder, to ask for one.' Then she realized that he was putting this, literally, in her hands. A sob escaped her then, thinking 'it's like I'm the one doing this, I'm deciding. That could be enough, if I wanted it to be.' But would it be enough? Was it really enough, especially considering that she just disobeyed him twice in the space of about a second. She sighed.

'Thank you for giving me a reminder to trust you. May I have another, please?'

Again the blow landed almost before she had finished asking. Though her palm did start to involuntarily close up, Brynis saw that she tried to stop it, and straightened both palm and arm back out. His plan was to give her three strikes regardless, four if she asked and he thought it best, but no more regardless of what she said. He didn't want to limit the use of her hand, he just wanted her to remember this every time she touched anything for a few days.

'Thank you, sir,' she sobbed out. 'May I have another, please?'

She flinched, waiting for another blow and almost grabbed her hand in again when he took it, holding it fast, feeling every finger and bone in her hand. 'Wiggle your fingers for me.' She did and, seeing that he had not broken any of the bones in her hand or, judging by her lack of reaction, even bruised the bones, gave her another swift swipe. She was shaking now and quiet for a bit. He was ready to go again, but also ready to put a stop to this depending on the sound of her voice.

She kept her eyes closed, but turned her face back to where he was standing. 'Thank you, my Kyros, but may we take a break?'

If she needed a break, he decided they would stop, that three was enough. 'No, Annis, this is enough for now to help you try and trust me.' Bryndis saw her start to speak, but said 'if you find that this was not enough, we can always think of something else later. Enough Annis, look at me and relax.'

'Yes sir. Thank you.'

'Now,' Bryndis continued almost as if there had been no interruption at all, 'you asked to explain my reasoning regarding why I want you to stay so in touch with the pain, right?'

She nodded, still wiping tears away from her face and rubbing her hand.

'It's simple. I don't want you to get hurt.'

She burst out laughing, as he had hoped she would, cradling her welted palm. He smiled too and went on.

'It sounds funny, but it's true. I want you to know your level of pain; I want you to be aware of how much you can take. If you want to try and push a little farther, I want that to be a conscious decision. Do you start to see now?'

She nodded again, slowly. He continued.

'Your main source of power as giolla is your power to choose, to accept, to submit. But you have to take responsibility for those choices. If you disassociate your body from your mind through the various techniques that do indeed exist, you are relieving yourself of that responsibility. Also, if you are not truly connected with your body, you're not going to be in a position to know if your body needs a break or if you need to use your safeword to get me to stop. I know I can do you lasting damage, both physically and psychologically, and by keeping in contact with the pain, as it were, you are in control of ensuring that doesn't happen. I am keeping a close watch on your well-being.' He looked at her, ran his hand through her hair, softened his voice, and said, 'I care about you - all of you. You have to help me keep you safe; I can't do it alone.'

Comprehension dawned on her face and Bryndis smiled inwardly as he saw her assurance return.

'You have to know this: If you had lasted another ten minutes or another hour under the whip today, I wouldn't have been any prouder of you than I am.' She flushed red, but kept looking straight into his eyes, waiting to see if he was finished. 'Does that answer your question?'

He had remained standing and she, though now facing him, sitting. 'Yes sir,' she said, reaching out her welted hand, to curl around his leg, resting her head against him. 'Thank you, my Lord.'

She had never called him that before and, letting his hand fall upon her head, he found he rather liked it.

'Now, Annis, I would like you to spend the next two hours meditating on what has happened today - everything, mind - and writing about it. I can see that some things have come up, that you've been dealing with, so I want you to think them through and then write about them for me. Don't worry about describing what happened in your own words or anything; I want to know how you feel and what you've realized today.'

'Yes sir.' She moved away, wincing when she used her right hand to push herself up, still cradling both breasts for support, and found her journal and pen. She went back to the side of the cave opening that looked out over the wide vista and curled up in a fur rug he had designated for her use.

She had gotten better at meditating over the last few days and spent her time well, thinking about what had happened, writing for a few minutes and then meditating again. Bryndis had dressed and was cooking dinner, which smelled amazing, but she focused as much as possible on her task and not on the pain in her body or the wonderful smells making her stomach roar.

By the time he called her over to the food, darkness was growing. He sat at the low table and waited while she set the table and brought over the food. She sat on the floor next to him and waited. He didn't really feed her, not usually, but he did tend to portion out what he thought she should eat. If she didn't finish, that was fine, but he had never given her a second helping or a particularly large one. This time, however, after he had served himself, he put the dishes down (salad and pizza he had made in the stone oven with dough he had set to rise before waking Annis up in the morning), poured both of them a glass of water and began to eat, neither looking at her nor serving her any of the food.

To her benefit, she didn't say anything, she just watched him while he ate. He was almost through with his salad and halfway through his pizza when she reached out for the salad bowl.

'No, Annis,' he said not looking at her. 'Look at your hand and drink your water.'

She looked at her hand and was silent. Finally, she did drink her water, which took the edge off her hunger slightly. But not quite. When he was finished, Bryndis leaned back, wiping his fingers off with his napkin and looked at her.

'That was well done, Annis. Thank you for your quietness and stillness, it was just what I needed.' She smiled, hoping, obviously for dinner. 'Well, Annis, we have reached another point where I am going to let you choose. Does this meal look appetizing to you?'

As he had eaten his fill, there wasn't loads of food left and, as Annis had only eaten some nuts and fruit and cheese - and very little of that - for 'breakfast', she was very hungry.

'Sir, appetizing is an understatement,' she said, smiling at him and then looking back at the food.

'I believe it!' he said, chuckling. 'So, here's the thing. I don't want you to eat anything tonight.' The shock on her face, and the dismay, was almost funny in and of itself. He had told her she would be uncomfortable all day, and he meant it. 'I want for you to fast until morning, to help your body heal by spending its energy on your skin and muscles rather than on digesting this large meal. I want you to clean up these dishes and for us to continue your training for the evening and I want you to do it without tasting the food or complaining about not having any. That is my desire and is Option One. Option Two, you can eat whatever you like, take a warm bath, and go to bed. Which do you choose?'

He saw her lust for the food, but he was gratified when she chose Option One, aka his wants.

Annis, on the other hand, was furious. This was the second day of very little food, she was hungry and she was angry for making her serve and clean up food she couldn't eat. But... she reminded herself that she was here to learn to be giolla. She could make herself dinner and eat it alone any time. Plus... he had explained why he wanted her to do this and it made sense. So, she sighed but she got on with it. 'No complaining,' she reminded herself, looking at her hand.

'Thanks for giving me a choice.'

'So,' said Bryndis, 'we continue.'

Pain woke Annis the next morning. Not new pain, but the feeling of old, deep pain from the beating yesterday. Still, it wasn't as bad as she had feared it would be when Bryndis put her to bed the night before. He had allowed her to stay out on her furs instead of going back to the bench from the previous nights. He had directed her to sleep with a blindfold, but didn't tie her down. The blindfold was still in place, but she wasn't sure she should take it off before he told her.

'Sir?' she called out to him.

'Yes, Annis?' came a quiet voice right next to her. Bryndis had, in fact, slept next to her all night, in case she had nightmares or trouble sleeping after safewording the day before. He hadn't slept much, using the time mostly to think about the next stages in their relationship and his feelings toward Annis. He hadn't known - could never have known - the depths there were to this woman, nor how much he would respond to her. He knew now for sure he wanted her in his life. Yesterday, and her response which he had read out of her journal after putting her to bed, had shown him how much he had to lose. He loved what he saw in her, something he wasn't sure if he could trust and something he had thought wouldn't happen for him again for a very long time.

'Should I take the blindfold off?' Her voice brought him back.

'Good morning to you, too,' he said, smiling. 'No, just roll onto your back. I want to look at you.' In fact, he wanted to check the depth and status of her bruising, something he would do every day for the next ten days.

She smiled back, rolled over and pushed the fur blankets off. As she turned, she let her legs fall open at the knees and slipped her hands behind her head. It was a strange feeling for her, not being able to see and knowing this man was watching her every move. She started the deep breathing she used during her meditations and just waited, trying not to be anxious or patient. She recognized the pain in her left breast with one deep breath, the right with another and that around her pussy with a third.

He did just look at her at first. Her pussy itself looked substantially better than the night before, it's natural anatomy keeping it fairly well protected and the body's propensity for quick healing in that area for obvious reasons. Her clit looked only slightly darker than normal. There was still some dark bruising around her mons, her outer labia, the tops of her thighs and one particularly bad place where he had struck the join at the top of her leg that would take longest to heal. There were no marks on her belly or near her vital organs; he had taken care to miss them.

Her breasts were substantially worse. The bruising here was dark and deep, particularly the underside. Parts of her nipples too were blue and purple, but the cool air had raised them, and they puckered up as if to meet him. He looked down again between her legs and, seeing her glistening wetness, knew it wasn't just from the cold. A phrase from her journal last night came back to him: In that moment, I knew I was beautiful because you told me I was beautiful. After, I was truly happy because you told me I made you happy.

'You are lovely in every way, Annis,' he whispered to her. 'I love this openness you're showing me. Thank you.' He slipped a finger inside her pussy and drew it out, covered in her juices. She felt him press it against her lips and she opened her mouth and began sucking it clean. When she did, she felt him start to softly start to suck her left nipple. As he kept working, sucking her deeper into his mouth, the pain climbed until he gently took her in his teeth and lifted, stretching her breast up. She almost called out, but thought about her hand, how she had asked him to help her trust him. Trust him, she thought, and reached a hand down to rest over his groin. It was the most she could do to let him know she was his. He immediately dropped her breast, causing pain to radiate through her chest, but all she said was 'I'm yours, Bryndis. Thank you.'

It was what he had been waiting to hear, this unasked giving of herself.

'Yes, you are mine.' He said it kindly, stroking her hair. 'We have to leave today and go back. While I get our things together, I want you to think about why you want me to be your Kyros. Your journal is next to you. I'll get you in an hour.'