Lady Madonna

“Great, if you like zero with high winds and heavy snow!” she cried. “We were told we would have to be here for several days, and to hope the power doesn’t go out!”

“Well, try to enjoy the scenery and the local flavor,” I suggested. “It makes the weather here seem pretty mild, doesn’t it?”

“How can you be so unconcerned?” Rita demanded. “I am in a goddamn blizzard, for Christ’s sake!”

“I am sure you will be fine,” I said soothingly. “They get shitty weather there all the time and know how to deal with it. Just sit tight and it will eventually end. By the way, I am being sent to Phoenix tomorrow. I hope to play some golf this weekend.”

“Where?” she screamed.

“You need to relax, Darling. I will call you from poolside on your cell. Try to get a good night’s sleep and stay warm. Love you, Babe.”

I hung up the phone and returned to bed. The next day I was golfing. Afterward, I was relaxing by the pool watching the women stroll by. I dialed Rita’s number.

“Rita, how are you holding up? I asked.

“The fucking power is off and all three of the guests in this shit hole are sitting here by a fucking woodstove!” she railed. “My cell battery is low because the asshole that runs this place had to use it to call his asshole brother for firewood. The fucking idiot knew a blizzard was coming and he didn’t have any firewood.”

“I am glad you are okay,” I responded cheerfully. “I shot a 94, which isn’t bad for not playing for quite a while, don’t you think? You should see the tits on the woman that just walked by the pool! I think I am losing your signal, Darling.”

I hung the phone up and ordered another beer.

I managed to avoid Rita for three months. I stayed at my apartment when I was home and called her to tell her I was in some exotic city. I wasn’t sure if she believed I was in Rio or not. It just seemed like a cool place to claim to be visiting.

Then one day just before Easter, Rita walked into my office at work. I had wondered for two months when she would think to look for me there. I decided I was naïve, but she was a moron!

“Rita!” I exclaimed. “You look great. Are you gaining a little weight? I guess sitting out a blizzard gets the old appetite going, doesn’t it?”

“You miserable Fuck!” she hissed. “Why have you been tormenting me and hiding on me? All this lying and sneaking around is not like you. What the hell happened to you? You used to be a loyal, loving husband. Now you are a rotten prick!”

“I missed you, Darling,” I replied. “I was just getting some work done here so I could rush home and start that baby we wanted. You do want a baby, don’t you?”

Rita turned as pale as the snow that was up to her ass in Fargo. She slowly sat down.

“I..we.. you and I are going to have a baby,” she whispered.

“Wow! Ain’t that something?” I laughed. “Did you call the people at Guiness? This will surely be some kind of record, don’t you think?”

“I thought you would be happy! You wanted to be a father, didn’t you?” a somewhat stunned Rita asked.

“One of the big things for me was to be on site, so to speak, when we started it. I didn’t really want some slicker doing my job for me, if you know what I mean,” I answered. “To me being a father is more than being married to a woman that gives birth. If you had a child when I married you, I would have loved it as my own. I cannot love a child you conceived in deceit and disgrace, and without your husband. I just hope you can.”

“What are you saying, Kevin?” asked Rita. “Don’t you believe the baby is yours?”

“Rita, I am so certain that it isn’t, that I will make a deal with you. If it is mine, I will support you and the child well into adulthood and you can have the house. If it someone else’s, like that fucking slimeball, Dean, you sign over any share of the house and get the hell our of my life. Luckily, they have DNA tests today that are very accurate. What do you say?”

“Dean?” was all she could manage.

“Yes, Dean,” I repeated. You are his slut, his whore, his bitch, aren’t you? If you play your cards right with him, he will support you and the child quite well. Remember he is married and a partner in a big company. He will not want you to create any waves.”

I thought I saw a glimmer of hope in Rita’s eyes. She was going to turn her claws on that poor bastard.

“He’ll be your bitch by the time you are through with him, won’t he?” I chuckled.

I watched as Rita stood and smiled. I opened my desk and removed some papers. I handed them to her.

“I am filing for divorce. Read these over, talk to your lawyer, and sign them,” I urged. “I will help you fuck Dean over big time if you do. I will fuck you over big time if you don’t. Have a great life.”