Late-Night Cravings

Mindy glanced at the clock and licked her lips. It was two-thirty on a Tuesday night, and boy, was she ever hungry. For sex. Who could she possibly call at this hour for some lovin'? Tito the delivery boy only delivers until ten. Plus, she wasn't in the mood for Mexican AT ALL. Not that there's anything wrong with Mexicans. She moseyed over to her kitchen and thumbed through her rolodex. Hank was on a business trip for his bustling chain of fried chicken buffets, called "Just Fried Chicken." Achmed wasn't very cuddly any time after nine o'clock, so he was out of the question. And "Studly" Dudley was too scared of the dark to make sweet, sweet love after sunset. Mindy sighed and rumpled her scraggly red curls. She opened the freezer and realized that she hadn't touched her pint of red pistachio ice cream. Grinning, she peeked into the fridge but to her dismay, there was no Reddi-whip. "Well," she moaned, "I guess it's time for a trip to the Seven Eleven." Putting on some red lipstick and slipping on her stilettos, she pranced out the door in her black lingerie, her boobs jiggling in the wind.

Jason the cashier furrowed his brows and glared at his crossword puzzle. What's a 28 letter word for a 19th century British political stance? he itched at his soul patch "Ah, of course! Antidisestablishmentarianism!" Just as he penciled in the last letter, he heard the BING-BONG that punctuated his lengthy shifts. A red-head wearing lingerie and stilettos was traipsing through the Ramen aisle looking utterly lost. He raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you, miss?" she flashed her white teeth at him. "Oh, I'm sure you can," she murmured, fluttering her long violet lashes. "I'm really in the mood for something sweet and creamy," she fingered the buttons on his blue manager's vest (which he was very proud of). "Do you think you might have anything like that?" He swallowed. "...yeah. Sure. The Reddi-whip is in aisle two." She looked disappointed. "That's not exactly what I was hoping for."

"Well, I'm sorry, but we don't carry Cool Whip."

"You are stupid. I am going to suck your dick now."

"Oh. Well, there's an Asian lady over there and she might need some help because she looks pretty old."

"She probably has really bad hearing and eye-sight then. It's like she's not even here..." she whispered into his ear while reaching for his love rod.

"Yeah," he gulped, "I mean she is pretty short... I can't even see her when she goes behind one of the shelves..."

"Mmhmm," she nodded. "Now, this will be a lot easier if I come behind the counter."

"But that's against company policy!"

She rubbed her nipples. "Can't you make an exception?"

He shrugged. "Yeah I guess so."

So then Mindy unzipped his pants and his gigantic dick flopped out and she was like HOLY SHIT. Jason was trying to be all cool but deep down in his heart he was really really horny and bored out of his pants. Grinning like a psychopath, she started to work him off with her hands and he said, "Oh. that's very good what you're doing there." and she said, "Thank you!" because Mindy is a very well-mannered sort of girl. Then she stuck her tongue out and licked the thing and she thought, "Man, I really could go for some ice cream after this here sex." After some more of that, Jason was all like, "I bet your vagina is pretty bored right now." and Mindy was like "mmmfffbbblllmmm." because her mouth was all full of Jason's huge cock. So he was like "Wait what?" and she took it out long enough to say, "Yeah, my vagina is pretty bored now that you mention it." So Jason, being the gentleman he was, politely removed his penis from his lady friend's pie hole and replaced it in her poo hole, and she was like, "you missed." And Jason was like "Ohh EWWWW that's where poop comes from I totally didn't mean to do that!" Mindy, forgiving as always, said, "Sokay!" Jason and Mindy shared a good chuckle over the silly situation they, well, he, had gotten stuck in. He then proceeded to fuck her brains out all over the cigarette counter. When that was done, he unsheathed himself and looked around the store. "HOLY SPAMONI," he hollered, "EVERYTHING IS GONE!" Mindy peeled herself from the glass counter and said, "Oh my god, everything's gone."

"I just said that. What are you, stupid?"

"Well gee I'm just not great in these sort of situations. I usually am REALLY painfully awkward with people unless I'm about to have sex with them."

"Oh, that's kind of funny, actually."

"Yeah, that's what people tell me!"

The two new friends found the security tape and rewound it to discover the Asian lady had stuffed everything, every single Snapple, battery, condom, and bag of teriyaki beef jerky into her purse and waddled out of the store while they were banging.

"AUGH!" cried Jason, "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?"

"SAME!" shrieked Mindy.

"Great. Now I'm going to get fired. What should I do?"

Mindy put a hand on his shoulder. "Want to go back to my house for some ice cream?"

"What kind?"

"Red pistachio."

"Wow! That's my favorite kind!"

"Oh my gosh, I don't know anyone else who likes that. Usually people are like, 'Ew, why do they dye pistachios red? That is so stupid.' But for some reason I like it more than the green kind."

"I feel the same way." He raised his gaze from her enormous jugs to her eyes for the first time that night to see that she had lovely emerald eyes.

"Oh wait. I'm out of whipped cream."

"Oh."

They both shrugged and Mindy walked out. Jason called the police and reported a robbery.

The small Asian woman was never apprehended.

THE END