Laura and Bill's Story

The evening ended without incident thankfully. I went home that night and recklessly through myself into Bill arms, almost desperately pleading with him to make love to me; to take me and make me his. He did without question. He held me later in our mutual afterglow. "Not that I'm complaining, but what got into you tonight sweetheart? You seemed like a woman possessed."

"I love you Bill. I'm yours. That's all. I'm just so happy. And maybe the champagne helped a little, but not that much. Do you mind?"

"Hell no Laura. It was starting to feel like old times with us. I'm so proud of you and your partnership. I think this is the beginning of something really great for you. I'm happy for us. I love you Laura."

As Bill finished, I was starting to fall asleep with my head on his chest. It wasn't long before Bill fell into a rhythmic pattern of breathing which indicated he was nodding off to sleep. We both followed into dreamland together.

+++

I almost became unhinged after that first lunch with Warren about three months after my partnership. Up to that point, I had successfully feigned workload as my excuse for refusing to go to lunch with him. I knew even then, my emotions about Warren were like a fragile china doll, perched on the precipice of a damaged shelf. If he had rattled the floorboards walking in, I would have tumbled helplessly into his arms. I had thrown myself completely into the partnership, taking on every challenging case that arose. I just couldn't admit to myself that Warren had affected me, or could touch my marriage.

I was secure in my position, if not my abilities, and demonstrated them frequently providing further proof to the partners that I was partnership material. In a weak moment, with nothing pressing my schedule on a Friday afternoon, I relented and agreed to have lunch with Warren.

It was my undoing. As we sat across from each other, me staring into his eyes, I could see the desire burning within him. It wasn't directed at college classes, finals, or making his first million, it was directed only at me. Maybe he rebuffed me all those years ago, but a casual observer would never know it if they looked in his eyes today over our secluded booth in the back of the restaurant. It made me hot on an otherwise cold day in February.

Warren was his affable self, confident, yet self-deprecating at times. Enough that, I had a hard time following him through whatever tale he was weaving about computers and their impact on society. I must have appeared lost in my own personal thoughts throughout the conversation, but Warren simply smiled.

Then he did something, even I, think was destined, but never fully admitted to myself that I wanted. "Laura, I know you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. Remember, the eyes don't betray, they tell me all I need to know."

"I'm not sure where you're headed with this."

"I am. And so are you. I want you. I need you by my side. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours. I know you're married, which complicates things slightly, but that matters little to me. I can see your soul through your eyes. You want me too."

Oh God help me, I did. I wanted Warren. Hell, I wanted his babies. I was almost mush at that point, not from the wine, but his admitting to me, that he wanted me. It was worse than high school or my so called infatuation with him in college. He had put me in a full court press as Bill would say while watching basketball. Would I fold, and let him score the points, or push-back and play defense.

I tried for defense. For the first time in my life, something that I sought desperately years ago, and thought unobtainable, came back into my life to claim at least a piece of my heart, soul and body. I was almost helpless to resist but I tried. I really tried.

"Warren, I love my husband. You must know that. I can't betray him."

He was quick to respond anticipating my hesitance. "I know, nor would I expect that of you."

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I won't resort to Sherlock Holmes this time, but it really is very simple. I love you Laura. I have, ever since that first day you dumped your books and blamed me for causing it." He smiled nostalgically.

And there it was. Sitting out there like a softball ready to hit, or the pregnant pause that it caused between us. It was like the world stopped for me, momentarily, titling off its axis I was so confused. The thought that Warren loved me almost overwhelmed me. I started to cry, something I never did in any business situation or rarely with Bill. Only when the strain or pressure of work, law school, or life got to me did I resort to showing my emotions privately.

I grabbed several tissues from my purse to try and stem the flow, but the tears came unhindered.

After I had composed myself, I thanked Warren for lunch, then left returning to my office.

Marsha took one look at me and knew something had happened. I waived her off since I wasn't ready to get her hopes up that I might be about to step out on my marriage. I was conflicted for sure. I knew what I had with Bill and would never intentionally hurt him. I knew I was headed into dark territory with Warren if I let things continue. Yet I almost felt powerless to stop the inevitable train wreck that would likely occur if I did.

As I closed the door to my office, I began to negotiate with myself. Did I really love Bill? Yes. Did I really want Warren? Yes. Did I really know Warren? No, I had to answer truthfully. But yet, I did know him. He seemed to be the same Warren I knew in college. He was driven to succeed, certainly as handsome as I remembered him. He was more mature with age. Apparently he had succeeded in his business. Had he reset his sights on being successful with me? I couldn't answer that question.

Then I thought of Bill again. If I told him I had lunch with an old college acquaintance, he would surely ask me who. Did my behavior pass the spouse test? I didn't think it would. If the situation were reversed, and Bill had lunch with an old female pal, that he had feelings for at one time, what would I think of that? Not much was my answer. I had already stepped over the line. I could easily move the line in my mind, but Bill's line wouldn't budge as mine wouldn't if it was him doing it to me.

The guilt started battering me like feeder bands from an approaching hurricane. I started feeling nauseous. I grabbed my coat, and left the office, telling Marsha I wasn't feeling well. It was probably something I had for lunch. She seemed mollified since witnessing my behavior being off when I came back to the office.

The Solution

Bill and I loved each other. That much was the truth; at least as much as I admitted to myself. I loved Warren too. At times during the last six months, it seemed I was two totally different people. Admittedly, Bill had gotten me through law school and made me a better lawyer than I would have been without him. But Warren, was for me, the man I was supposed to be with. How did Marsha put it, "the one that got away?" No, Warren was the one that didn't desire me at the time, but I certainly couldn't say that now. He had come after me with a passion I had never seen before. He certainly didn't care that I was married. I did, and felt guilty every minute of every day. Something had to change, or I was headed for a nervous breakdown.

By anyone's definition, I was having an emotional affair with Warren, fully well knowing where the end was headed. I'm sure Warren did too. The bi-weekly lunches turned into the occasional dinner. I refused to become intimate with Warren in any way even refusing his light touches over meals or even a chaste kiss in welcome or goodbye. My reserves were cracking a little more each time I saw him however.

I needed to turn my guilt into positive actions to assuage the feelings of betrayal I felt constantly. I either needed to firmly stop seeing Warren and commit to my marriage, or find a way for Bill to be happy if I left him for Warren.

There was no hiding the fact that my relationship with Bill had been suffering while I was going through mental guilt gymnastics while seeing Warren, although it was purely platonic. That was where the line had moved in my mind; I was having a platonic relationship with Warren. He was just another friend that happened to be male, and that I had strong feelings for. Not very platonic by any virtuous spousal tests that I was aware.

I started hating myself. Bill noticed the changes in my behavior. I really did try to put on a fake face of "everything's alright," with Bill. He called me on it, several times. I dismissed it, as the additional strains from the partnership. I was a woman, still in pretty much a man's world even in the nineties as a partner in a successful law firm.

I started hinting that maybe we should consider planning a family one evening with Bill, foolishly thinking that adding children to our relationship would solidify our bond and help me ease away from Warren amiably.

Bill nearly devastated me that evening when I broached the topic over a nice dinner at one of our favorite restaurants -- Morton's Steakhouse. He seemed to now be firmly against having children -- yet. He did try to pacify me with a non-committal "maybe in the future." When we talked about everything in life that first time at the off-campus bar, he let me know he was all in favor of children, something I thought was an important aspect of any marriage. At the time in college, the topic just checked another positive box on my mental list of compatible mates.

Bill's reversal on children or at least cooling to the idea of children in our marriage was probably what drove me to seek the solution I did.

Bill hurt me with fewer words than I thought possible. He noticed quickly, not by my snappy comeback to argue with him, but my completely silent behavior the rest of the meal. He tried to console me with a trip to Europe. Something we had planned since law school. I could see Europe anytime, but seeing it with children would have been more fulfilling in my mind.

No, now the scales had tipped not towards Bill, but Warren who I knew desperately wanted children. He actually wanted to slow down from his meteoric career aspirations and settle into family life, something that I found endearing. At least that's what he told me.

The line was moving again in my mind. Rationalization is a wonderful concept. It allows our sub-conscious to introduce concepts to our conscious mind, we otherwise wouldn't logically initiate. Maybe the heart wants what it wants. I was simply encouraging my sub-conscious to give me a rational explanation as to how I could have Warren without hurting Bill. In my heart, I wanted Warren. It was clear he wanted me. If those two points were true, where did that leave Bill in the equation? Left out in the cold if I divorced him.

Even though his decision on children hurt me, I couldn't turn around and betray him spitefully. I did still love everything he did for and with me. I suppose that one act of refusing children, caused me to fall "out of love" with Bill; not that I didn't love him. A potential solution, came to me on my way to work Monday morning after our fateful dinner Saturday. If I could introduce someone -- not just someone -- a past love, to Bill perhaps, he would fall "out of love" with me. Not easy to do, I admitted. But it eased my conscience tremendously thinking if Bill were with someone else happily, then I deserved my own happiness right?

After I considered it, it was much more manipulative than I had ever been with anyone, especially someone I claimed to love. But if Bill reneged on his promise of children that easily with someone he claimed to love, could I try to manipulate his feelings to cause him to fall "out of love" with me?

Maybe was my conclusion. The challenge was, I knew little to nothing about his past life, before me. I was so focused on my scheming as I walked into the office, I barely noticed Warren sitting outside my office apparently waiting for my arrival. Marsha stepped in between us as I opened my office door. "Mr. Blaylock is here to see you, even though he doesn't have an appointment. I told him he needed to call the office to schedule an appointment."

I wasn't sure why Marsha was being so formal. I could see Warren. I suspect, Marsha and I would have words later. While he had never come by unannounced before, it wasn't unwelcome given my weekend.

I was equally as formal with Warren, mostly for Marsha's benefit. "Mr. Blaylock, I only have a few minutes before my first appointment. It really would be best if you made an appointment so I can devote my time to you."

"This will only take a few minutes. Could we step into your office please?"

Perhaps Marsha felt vindicated that I supported her position that everyone needed an appointment. I saw a small smile play across her face. I grudgingly agreed to a few minutes with Warren ushering him into my office, closing the door.

"Thanks for seeing me. I'll come directly to the point. I'm leaving for a few months. I wanted to tell you in person."

That caused a tremor in my heart. Composing myself quickly, I questioned, "Alright, why did you feel the need to tell me in person?"

"The plans here in Chicago are on-schedule. We should be moved in to the new building in less than sixty days. I have introductions scheduled with investors in Stuttgart that I need to discuss major expansion plans with in Europe. After that, the business plan is nearly complete."

"Warren you don't owe me any explanations as to your whereabouts or your business plans. Why are you telling me this?"

"Laura, remember when I told you about my plans in college?"

"Yes vaguely, I guess."

"Let me refresh your memory. After I established a foothold in the US market, I was going to expand my operations to Europe. This is the last piece of the puzzle. Provided the Chicago expansion from the west coast is successful, Europe is the next step. That's the final piece. Once that's complete, I plan to sell the company."

"But Warren, you're only in your early thirties like I am, what will you do?"

"You have about ninety days or so to give me an answer to that question. Now I appreciate you seeing me without an appointment. Promise Marsha, I'll be more considerate in the future. Oh and one more thing, I love you, and I know you love me. Ninety days, Laura. I'll be back for my answer to your question." He kissed me on my cheek.

He left closing the door behind him. Once again, Warren left me breathless and stunned sitting in my own office. As soon as it was closed, Marsha was knocking.

"Come in." I said weakly.

"Are you OK? You look like you saw a ghost again. What is it with Mr. Blaylock? You seem to go all stupid, when he's around. Oh and your nine-o-clock appointment is here."

Marsha was more right than I cared to admit, to either her or myself. I was contemplating something stupid on my drive to work this morning. Now Warren had apparently given me some kind of deadline about exactly what I didn't know, but could surmise. He wanted to know where I stood regarding both my relationship with him and Bill. Did I love him enough to leave my husband? And he gave me a deadline. Infuriating. Exasperating.

I felt Warren's loss almost immediately as he left my office. It didn't make any sense. Unless as he said, he knew I loved him. Maybe I did on some level. No, I did, I admitted.

"Please show my nine-o-clock in Marsha, and thanks. I think Mr. Blaylock will make appointments in the future. He apologized and asked me to let you know. He just came by to thank me personally for the rezoning. His firm is moving into their new office in a couple of months." I dismissed her casually so she didn't see the consternation contorted in my face.

Driving home that night, I came to some conclusions. My plan from this morning, was probably my best option for providing a soft landing for Bill if that were possible. Warren was actually making this easier for me, than I had at first thought. He was letting me decide on my own, what I wanted. That showed a tremendous amount of courage and insight. He wanted me, but only if I wanted him.

The next morning, after a quick intimacy moment with Bill I had my answer. Warren was gone physically, but still in my thoughts constantly, certainly in my heart right next to Bill. I had the beginnings of a plan.

+++

I had roughly ninety days. I didn't want to waste a day or even an hour. The first item on the agenda was more details about my husband's past loves. It would have been so simple to just call his sister Jana and ask her, but that was too obvious. Since he was a transfer student, I had never met any of his Boise State friends except briefly at our wedding. I couldn't even remember their names now. I could have checked our wedding guest list, but what would my line of questioning be? No angle I studied made any sense.

Frustrated at my lack of progress by lunch, I called my mother. While daddy made the money, she developed the connections. She was the schemer in the family. My father was "what you see is what you get." My mother on the other hand, was the iron hand disguised in a silk glove. She could hit you where you least expected it, remove her glove and never leave a mark.

I needed my mother in my court on this. Bill had developed an affinity towards my father. The more successful Bill became, the more my father liked him. I didn't need a split camp on this decision. I would leave my mother to convince my father. She was more than capable.

I hadn't been home to see my parents in a few years trying to establish myself in my career. After I talked to my mother, not wanting to tip my hand on the phone, I invited myself for a few days visit with her. I claimed it had been a while since we had seen each other because it was true.

I told Bill about my upcoming trip. He seemed nonplussed with the conversation, but wished me a good visit. The following Monday, I hopped on a plane for a very early morning flight from Chicago to New York. The chauffer was still the same after all these years, albeit with a lot more grey in his hair. Arriving at the mansion was uneventful. Mother was sitting in the greenhouse admiring the roses, and gardenias while drinking a Mimosa at eleven in the morning when I arrived.

The butler fixed me a Mimosa at my mother's request. I had forgotten some of the very nice things that money bought as a lifestyle since I had been working for a living; having to cook, clean and do things for myself. I felt more independent, but missed the lifestyle my parents had afforded me growing up.

"Hello mother. It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too Laura. Now you didn't fly here to exchange pleasantries with me, so what's the real reason for your visit?"

Just like old times. Mother was to the point and knew something was up. No sense trying to fool her. I really wanted to know how crazy my idea was of trying to get Bill to voluntarily want out from our marriage, to make it easier for me to pursue my own happiness.

"If I said, boy troubles, would that make sense?"

My mother and I always spoke in riddles while I was growing up. It seemed to be her normal mode of conversation. Everything was veiled with a different meaning -- sometimes multiple, depending upon the situation. Provided I was obsequious enough, she would help me. She dismissed the butler from the corner of the room so we had privacy.

"Completely. Who have you met, and what have you done?"

"No one new. Do you remember back in college I told you about someone that wanted nothing to do with me at the time?" She nodded, so I continued, "He's come back into my life after all this time."

"And you're not confused. You still want him. Why? Money? Power? Sex? It has to be one of the three."