Learning About Myself Pt. 01

"Don't worry, calm yourself. You don't need to fully yet. You will as you get used to it."

"Will you fuck me again like you did the other night?"

"Do you want me to?" I could feel his erection pressing against me.

"Yes." feeling slutty, my voice deeply husky.

He laughed. "Not now. Later. First you will suck me then go and stand at the window."

I realised that I had been waiting for him to use me like that, as though it was now another feature of what happened. It wasn't too bad. I actually was pleased to take his cock into my mouth, suck on it, feel full of him. I worked hard, i wanted to please him. He came and I knew I should swallow. I did.

At first I didn't really think, my thoughts all jumbled. As I had stood silently I began to realise that the time standing there felt good for me. I felt relaxed and it gave me time to think about what I really wanted. I realised there had been a shift in the relationship. He wasn't making demands other than this punishment, but he wasn't shifting his position on the punishment, I could tell. He had always gone along with my wishes, my views and accepted my faults, my mistakes. I didn't know this Paul, yet somehow I welcomed these changes. I didn't like to say this but there was something 'right' about it all, something necessary. My pussy still throbbed and my nipples ached after the spanking. I could not understand this strong lust within me after being spanked but it was certainly real.

I felt slightly stretched where his finger had been in my ass and the taste of his semen. Over the last year our sex had become boring even though I had become vaguely aware how and when it happened, I couldn't seem to find what was missing. Now I really wanted fucking, which was unusual, like last time, I wanted rutting. I hadn't felt like this since being a young teenage virgin, and certainly not as strong then. Also, like a teenager, I had found I needed to masturbate often. I was just so horny a lot of the time after my spankings. My thoughts weren't about having him making love to me but being fucked by him. It was all so strange and yet it felt much simpler and, dare I say it, better just to allow the flow to take me along, not to argue anymore but accept. After just accepting there came a tranquility again standing there in front of the window after the spanking, regardless of my exposure, regardless of the frightening unknown.

After, he decided that I was to be kept naked for a while again. He decided, and I accepted it. I was more aware of feeling horny and being naked after the spanking this time. Even though I felt very vulnerable still I found myself pushing up my tits and standing more sexily for him whenever I thought he may he look at me. I finished emptying the dishwasher, bending over a lot, prepared food and organised the kitchen totally naked, very aware of my nakedness. The air caressed my skin, my nipples especially. I had to breathe hard feeling quite vulnerable both because of my nakedness and my need. My nipples were so obviously hard and erect and the embarrassing thing was that I couldn't tell whether from the cold or from my arousal. In the kitchen I felt so exposed as if I was by the window again.

That evening, in bed I was his bitch on heat again.

My next spanking was slightly different in that my punishment didn't immediately follow what I had done wrong. we were going out and Paul was left hanging about waiting as I took far too long to get ready and we were going to be late. We were supposed to meet our closest friends and then have dinner after a movie. He was sitting in a chair waiting as I came down rather later than I intended.

"You know what this means don't you Hannah?"

I stared at him for a long time, then dropped my gaze, before finally nodding. The silence was oppressive.

"I've phoned Dave and Liz and told then to leave the tickets at the desk and go in and we will get there are soon as we can. I'll have to spank you tomorrow. Do you want me to spank you?"

I looked at him and eventually nodded and whispered, "Yes".

"I don't mean 'do you deserve to be punished', that's not at question. I mean would you like me to spank you Hannah?" I gasped and stood staring at the floor, my cheeks colouring. How could he expect me to answer that? "Let me tell you what I think."

I looked up but couldn't hold his gaze and dropped mine to the floor again quickly. "I think you do, that you like it, that it turns you on. In fact I think it turns you on a lot. Otherwise, you wouldn't get so terribly wet." My cheeks were burning now as I tried to hide my face. I felt panic at his knowledge, the baring of my secrets to him. "Yes you do. You are very wet when I punish you. I'll tell you something else that I think, its not just the pain making you hot that turns you on, there is more isn't there? And you are much less of a mouthy bitch, far more feminine in your actions, how you walk, how you respond. Why do you think that is, Hannah? Anyhow, think about it. You can tell me later, on the way home, we haven't time now."

I couldn't concentrate on the film. I tried but other thoughts kept pushing in. Not that they were particularly coherent. I kept thinking of what he had said, what I wanted, how I had felt, but I couldn't work out what to say properly. My mind just went around in circles. Just thinking of him spanking me. To make matters worse I could feel my wet knickers which made me feel embarrassed. It was worse over dinner. I had to let David and Liz presume I was ill because I was so quiet. Normally I would probably have dominated the conversation. The change in me must have been very obvious, it didn't kill the conversation as Paul took my normal place and Dave and Liz chatted away with him though they constantly checked if I was still up to it.

The one thing I dreaded was for Paul to start saying things about punishments or spanking or any innuendo laden conversation. I didn't think I could handle it. Thankfully he didn't and considerately took me home early 'as I wasn't feeling my best'. David and Liz understood, or thought they did. At least Liz was a good enough a friend as to not ask specifics.

On the ride home neither of us said anything much at first.

"Hannah, take off all your clothes." He said it softly and calmly.

"What!?" I stared at him shocked. "What?"

"I think you heard me and I don't expect to ignored."

"We're in the car! You said you weren't going to spank me until tomorrow, not now, not here!" I couldn't understand what was going on.

"Hannah, I like having you naked. I like to see your body. I told you what I wanted and I expect you to do it, now. I wasn't going to spank you now but if you carry on like this I will. You don't need to worry about what to do, you simply need to do as you are told. It's actually easier for you."

I heard the steel behind the soft words. Of course I wanted him to like my body. He'd never asked me to do this before outside the house, or in for that matter, except for the spankings. I looked up at him as he drove and he pulled into the side of the road. There was a house wall on one side, though the house was some way off, grass and woods on the other.

I swallowed, looked around. "Everything?"

"No, you can keep your shoes on." I had to laugh. "And, Hannah, fold everything neatly, not like you normally do, put them on the back seat."

I couldn't believe this. I felt ridiculous. He expected me to do as I was told, even here. I swallowed, thought of being spanked in the morning. Thought of doing as I was told. Was it easier? I slowly took off my clothes. Taking off my jacket was easy. Taking off my jeans was more difficult but once I had started it was easier. I folded each item neatly, carefully putting them on the back seat each time. meticulously folding each garment, relieved to focus on the mundane task. I realised that I wasn't thinking about why anymore, only thinking of how and what I was doing. I ducked slightly each time another car was near, luckily it was very dark as his expression let me know I was not to.

It felt really humiliating being naked with him dressed, it made me feel so vulnerable. I wanted to cover myself but tried hard not after his sharp look the first time, my hands holding onto the front of the seat after I had restrapped the car seat.

"I am pleased you had your hair removed." My cheeks burst into flame. I had felt that everyone in the salon knew why I was having my pubes removed, that I had been told to do it, that I had been spanked. The girl had even zapped all the hairs up beyond my pussy.

I knew what it looked like now. I had examined myself closely a long time on it when Paul was out the night before. I looked like a little girl but with a big girls pussy, my lips bulging and the middle lips pouting. I had been surprised how much my mound stood out, it was far bigger than I realised. Naked, I felt both silly and exposed but I was also aware of my sex and nipples pulsing. It was strangely arousing being exposed like this.

"Do you really like to see me naked even now? Do I still turn you on?"

"Yes of course. I'm hard now." I looked down, oh yes, he was definitely erect. "Why did you have your hair removed?"

"You told me to." Why was he asking stupid questions?

"Why are you naked now?"

"You told me to be." I began to realise.

"Good girl. You'll follow my instructions to the letter, wont you Hannah?" I nodded meekly, feeling my breasts sway and my nipples ache. Being anything other than vulnerable and submissive when sitting naked in the car was impossible. "You never used to do as you were told, did you?"

"No." My voice was husky again.

"Why the change, Hannah?"

I couldn't answer. I didn't understand myself. I just sat there so aware of being naked with him dressed. My eyes pleading with him not to force it, my body throbbing and my embarrassment high.

I was still naked when we reached home. Paul pulled up in front of the house. I had to leave my clothes, though I was allowed to take my handbag, and rush into the house as I was. His voice was the same quiet Paul but now with that expectation of being obeyed.

"Why are you making me do this?" In the past it would have been an angry, demanding voice now I sounded to myself as whining.

"Because I want you to do as I tell you."

"I did."

"Yes, Hannah. You were fairly good coming home. You must learn. Next time without questioning me or the long hesitations."

"Next time?"

"Oh yes, whenever I tell you to do something." He smiled and walked behind me as he ushered me up the stairs. I knew what I must look like, what he could see. It was so embarrassing. I should have been angry but I couldn't find it, being naked and a throb up between my legs. It did things.

He sat on the bed with me standing in front of him.

"Now, Hannah, tell me whether you enjoy being spanked and the rest of what I do do with you."

Confession is really quite difficult. It is for me anyway. Standing there I was again very aware of my lack of clothes. I stood in silence as my mind worked, Paul, clothed, waiting patiently. I felt a wreck, full of nervous energy, my emotions going from defiant to angry at him, then remorseful, until I finally blurted it out. It came with a rush, once I had started I couldn't help myself. I said it all.

"I admit I had become slightly bored. God, sex is so different now. I guess it's all related. When you first spanked me I was so full of fear and humiliation and then gradually there came a strange excitement and arousal. And a strange calm. I couldn't understand anything, how I couldn't get it out of my mind, how ready I was, how horny I was all the time. Your finger in my ass should have really pissed me off and put me off but for some reason I just accepted it, went with it, found it sexy. I confess I knew you were hard, your cock was hard when you spanked me and knowing that turned me on loads. I cant believe it but I loved you rutting me, I am so surprised by it all. Even more surprising I loved you showing me you were the boss, telling me what to do and even when you made me feel humiliated like in the car, and I never had suspected. I was, still am surprised and I still lack real understanding of what I feel, but I do know how strong those feelings are."

As I had talked I had taken my 'position', my arms crossed behind and my legs apart, doing it without even thinking about it and now realising it was if I was offering myself wantonly. It didn't matter. I was really horny.

By the time I had finished talking I had lines where tears had softly rolled down my cheeks. It was just the release.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No. And that's the confusing part, I don't. I don't and I don't know why. It goes against everything I've been brought up to believe. It's hard to cope with, not understanding. But I don't... I think I want this." The last sentence added hoarsely.

He stood and held me and I sobbed and sobbed. After holding me tightly until he was sure I had cried myself out he lay me on the bed and he undressed. His cock was like a metal rod when he came over me on his elbows. I pushed up desperately but he kept only the tip of his cock just outside me, letting it run up and down my sodden lips but not taking me. I was almost screaming as I tried to push him inside but he kept control. He pushed it in just a little way, enough to stretch me open but then no further. Then out again. All the time I was frantically pressing myself onto him, wanting to be impaled. All the time he controlled me, teasing me wickedly.

Just a little then out, in a little, rubbing against my clit, opening me only a fraction, over and over. Then suddenly he thrust deep. I was so wet it was easy for him to sink in to me up to the hilt. Then out again by the time my body arched off the bed in relief. He kept it up like this, not following a rhythm, not letting me know if or when his cock would fill me. Soon I couldn't cope, I was lost, my body bursting with both lust and frustration. I was crying again, begging him to take me, my body convulsing, so needy.

Then he didn't pull out after his hard thrust. He stayed there big and hard, filling me up, feeling stuffed full. I couldn't help but squirm around him, my pussy squeezing his hardness as slowly him filling me calmed me. He kept his weight off my clit and I simply enjoyed the feeling of him filling me for a long time.

Then he took his cock back to my entrance and I felt empty. He slid very slowly up inside me making me realise how wet I was, filling me again. I pulsed around him, trying not to move which might make him pull out again. My body began to shake with the effort. I began convulsing around his hard cock. I came with no movement from him. I came and it was shattering. Laying exhausted I realised he was beginning again. His cock teasing my entrance. Then he slid in and out very slowly as before, teased me over and over like this until I was begging again. He played me like an instrument. Forcing my tired body further and further on a spiral of arousal. In me again as I rushed towards another orgasm only to deny me at the last. Mewling noises came from my mouth as my body was made to do his bidding.

Eventually he thrust hard, then again and again until I knew the feelings of being rutted by him again. Almost savagely but clinical too. I needed it. I felt myself so wide open for him wanting more and more. His finger crept towards my ass. Oh God I knew what he would do, now as he fucked me. The tip pushed easily into me, oiled by my secretions running down my crack. He pushed it deep into me as his cocked pounded in and out of my pussy. It was too much and orgasms rolled through me without stopping until I realised he had come too and calmed. I had never orgasmed like that before, ever, which was strange as I realised that previously if anything had stopped my gradual climb to orgasm I would have lost the feeling and wanted to stop.

In the morning, a Saturday, I stood naked in the living room for over 30 minutes after he again had somehow managed to get me to beg him to spank me. He left me waiting facing the garden by the window to make me understand my place. He was sitting on the sofa when he allowed me to move from the window and stand in front of him. I had to stand and show how smooth I was. He ran his fingers over my mound softly.

"Hannah, I'm going to spank you now, aren't I?"

"Yes."

"And you want to be spanked don't you, Hannah?"

"Yes." I looked at the floor.

"And I would imagine that you are already wet aren't you?"

"I guess. Yes." My face glowing again.

"That's because you're a slut, aren't you Hannah?"

"Yes." I was shamed. I thought of how I needed to be fucked the night before. His control. My lack of any. Needing him, needing fucking, desperately. My heart was beating hard, my breathing shallow.

"And you want to be a good slut and do as you I tell you, don't you Hannah?"

"Yes."

"A very obedient slut."

"Yes."

"And obedient girls get fucked like sluts, don't they Hannah?"

"Yes."

"And why do you think that you like being fucked like a dirty little slut, Hannah?"

"Because... because that's what I am."

I was learning now, learning all the time. I had to do as I was told. I had to accept, not fight it. Whenever he instructed me. It was much easier and if I wasn't fully obedient he spanked me.

No, that wasn't right, he was going to spank me anyway. I felt better if I did as I was told. I wanted to do as he said. I felt better after he spanked me as well, as if it cleansed me. My head was swimming. I wanted to be fucked like a dirty slut right now. I did want him to be happy with me. Maybe I was what he said. Even being spoken to this way, like a child yet also humiliatingly dirty, was strangely arousing.

That mornings spanking hurt, it stung, it made me hot, it made me horny. As before, as I lay over his knee, he put cream on me, while I was hot and tingling. Then he made me pull my cheeks apart so he could see me fully, open for him, my pussy and my ass. That felt very embarrassing. His finger slid up my ass as usual, thankfully I was expecting it and relaxed as I felt him there. He went deep into my ass again and kept it there as I whimpered and I couldn't help but squeeze rhythmically on him. Then I felt the relief of his cock filling my mouth and being able to satisfy him.

In the afternoon he had me remove my jeans and knickers. I had to lay over his knees again and I knew I was looking at him pleadingly expecting to be spanked again and not knowing why. But I let myself be draped over him again obediently without arguing.

He caressed my buttocks gently and lovingly before his finger found my pussy. I was already lubricating, my juices making me feel kind of squidgy as he slid deep into me. He fingered me for a few minutes and I was eager if he wanted me. Then his finger came out and went into my bottom again. Slid in with my juices, not the cream. He pushed it in and out and around, making me wonder how this could feel good.

Then his finger came out before returning to my pussy again for a few minutes. Again it came out but then something bigger was pressing against my private opening. At first I had thought it was his finger so I didn't resist before it was opening me wider, then entering. My brain only seemed to register the difference after I felt it slip inside. I squeezed against something cool and I felt both his hands on my back. I found it hard not to keep contacting around whatever it was there.

"I've put a plug in you, an anal plug. It should remind you of my finger in there and how you like being an obedient slut. You'll have it when I demand it."

He didn't spank me then as I had been expecting. I was made to get up, still not finding a lady-like way to get up from his lap. the butt plug opened me, kept me feeling open. I could feel it as I moved, inside me. It was in my ass, my private opening. It wasn't private anymore. It made me roll my hips more when I walked. I felt opened all the time. I was always aware of it, always contracting around it, it reminded me of his finger there, reminded me of my spankings. It made me know my place, making me feel humiliated all the more, made my pussy leak even more. Later, at other times, when he told me to let him put it in I always accepted it, never refusing, never fighting him. I wore it in the house when he wished me to, whether I was clothed or not. It made my hips sway more. It had a jewel-like end to it when I looked at it in the mirror, as though I had a big diamond stuck on my anus. I had to have it in when we went out sometimes too, shopping or things, which made me even more aware of my place.