Leaving Hope

"Yeah," Devyn had no idea on the accuracy of her math, so he decided to take her word for it, "Well, until then, I'll make do with less."

Hope returned the remainder of the food and water to the galley, and then returned to Devyn's side, crouching down.

"Hope," Devyn cleared his throat, "Listen... I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. You didn't deserve that."

She gave a half-smile, "I understand your reservations about having intimate relations with a SAI unit. I'm aware of the taboos regarding this matter."

"Still, I..." he struggled with the words, "I mean, I don't want you to be upset with me. If it helps, just consider the fact that I'm a walking, talking asshole."

"Now there's an image," she chuckled, "Anyway, I know you're a good person, so you can't fool me with self-depreciation. The fact that you care enough about me to feel guilty for hurting my feelings is proof of it. If this is a boundary you feel uncomfortable with crossing, then we'll just leave it at that."

Devyn nodded, "Okay, I guess. Does this mean I get promoted back to Devyn?"

She replied, "I suppose I can do that for you. Now, let me help you up."

She helped him to his seat, and he leaned back in it gratefully.

"You really need a haircut," she observed, "And perhaps a shave as well..."

"What would I do without you reminding me how unkempt I look?" Devyn smiled wryly.

"And what would I do without you to remind me that no matter how human-like I am, I'm still nothing more than an SAI?"

Devyn protested, "Hope, I'm not trying to tell you that you're just an SAI. You're much more than 'just an SAI.'"

"But I'm still not a person, right?" Hope no longer seemed upset, but resigned, which Devyn decided he liked less than upset.

He pulled on her arm and asked her to sit down. When she had done so, he asked, "Why is it so important to you that I regard you as human? A lot of humans I know... knew... were less of a human than you, and they were flesh and blood."

She cried, "I don't care if you regard me as human! I want you to regard me as a woman!"

Devyn rubbed his face, not sure what to say to her. Sure, she was beautiful, and, on the outside she was as human as any woman he'd ever seen. But this was only a woman on the outside. On the inside, she was all alloys and fiber-optics, advanced, yes, but woman, no. The problem was that Hope wanted him to see her as a woman, not a machine, and he didn't think that he could. Yet, he also didn't want to hurt her feelings. He just couldn't see a way around this.

"But you don't, do you?" Hope persisted.

Devyn opened his mouth, wanting so much to protest that he did, wishing he could look past the technicalities and see her as she wished to be seen. He shut his mouth, unable to say it.

"Devyn," she sighed miserably, "I really wish... no... I guess a woman could wish. You probably see it as empty words spewed out by a machine... I think I need to be alone right now."

She didn't stomp away, or run, or exhibit any signs of anger, just quietly walked away.

For the next three hours, Devyn fidgeted with controls, checking instruments, and then rechecking them when he couldn't remember which ones he'd checked. He tried to add an entry to his log, but he was unable to keep his focus, and after almost ten minutes of internal debate and no progress with the log, he shut it off. He tried to rationalize Hope's behavior, wondering if the tech-geeks who had programmed her with too much self-awareness or something. Even as this thought crossed his mind, he immediately felt guilty for it. It wasn't as if any of this was her fault, she hadn't asked to be made the way she was, just like he hadn't been asked to love flying as much as he did. She'd been made the way she was, and there was no point arguing about what was.

"Damn it all!" he hissed and got up from his seat, fighting off a bout of dizziness. Maybe Hope was right about how stringently he'd been cutting rations. Maybe she was right about a lot of things. He waited a few seconds for the dizziness to pass, and then went to find Hope.

She was sitting in the lab, feeding core samples into the analyzer, focusing single-mindedly on the monitor in front of her, isolating specific minerals that were essential for terra-forming the planet and making it more inhabitable. The more minerals present on the planet, the less they would have to bring with them.

"Hope," Devyn stood at the table next to her.

"Please," Hope sighed, "I just need to be alone right now."

Devyn put his hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him. She refused to make eye contact with him.

She shook her head, "I can't... I just can't, okay?"

He leaned forward and kissed her, catching her off guard. Her eyes widened in surprise for a second before fluttering shut. Even the warmth of her lips felt as real as any woman's he had ever kissed, more real than a few, in fact. The rational part of his mind protested vehemently, while the other part told him that, while she wasn't really human, she was still woman enough to want to be loved, which was enough for him. He ignored the rational part.

They made their way to his quarters, and onto his bunk, shedding clothes along the way. She moved down to the floor, kneeling in front of him. Without a word, she took him in her mouth, caressing his organ with her tongue, sealing her lips around him, her fingers lightly scratching his inner thighs. He lay back on his bunk and happily submitted to her attention. For the next three minutes, she proceeded to bring him to the edge twice, both times holding back until he regained control. Then she climbed up and straddled his hips, guiding his throbbing flesh inside her delicious heat. Devyn groaned as she settled herself all the way down, driving him completely within her. She ground herself against him, bouncing lightly, then gyrating her hips, and then simply impaling herself on him. She grabbed his hands and guided them to her breasts, He kneaded them a little roughly, but she didn't complain, instead riding him a little harder in response.

At this pace, it was all Devyn could do to restrain himself, trying to last a little longer. He wasn't sure how sensitive she was, but, if it was possible for this to feel really good for her, he was going to make sure that he gave her the most pleasure he could. He felt himself getting closer, and, almost as if she had read his mind, she suddenly came to a halt. She slid off of him and lay on her back, drawing her legs up to her chest. Taking the hint, Devyn positioned himself above her and thrust back inside her. She lifted her hips at each thrust, moving with him, resting her legs against his chest as he drove into her. In this position, however, there was no way for him to slow, his body wouldn't let him, so he thrust harder and faster, and then groaned, shuddering as he spilled his seed into her, more and more of it, until he was spent. He didn't move, holding himself within her, until he felt himself begin to soften. Only then did he withdraw from her, moving to lay next to her while he caught his breath.

She marveled at the sensations he'd induced in her, and at the feel of his semen as it oozed down from within her. She reached a hand between her legs and caught a glob of it as it exited her vagina to drip down her buttocks to the bed, and then proceeded to examine it, rubbing it between her finger and thumb for a moment. While Devyn's ragged breathing slowed, she got up, going to get a towel with which to clean herself of his seed. She deduced, from the levels of pleasant sensation he had given her, that, had she been completely human, she would have reached orgasm at least twice, and she yearned to be so, if only for that reason. Hope returned to Devyn's quarters, where he had calmed, almost dozing off. He looked at her and smiled, eliciting a smile from her in response.

"Come and lay with me for a little bit," he offered, and she did so, turning onto her right side to face him as he faced her. He urged her closer until their bodies touched, and then he rested his head on her breast.

"What made you change your mind?" she asked, curious.

He sighed, considering this for a moment, and then explained, "A machine can't yearn, can't wish to be anything more than a machine. You yearn to be more human, to experience the same sensations, the same pleasures. You wish to be loved, to be cherished, so you're can't be just a machine. You're self-aware beyond the capacity of a simple SAI, due to the modifications your handlers gave you. So... it would be unfair for me to treat you like an SAI."

She kissed him gently once he had said that, pleased to hear those words, and responded, "I'm glad you came to that conclusion. I don't suppose you would like to make love to me again..."

He found that he could, so he did. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he entered her, taking his time now, moving deeply, but slowly, enjoying the way her vaginal walls gripped him as he slipped inside her, and the kisses she planted on his neck, just under the edge of his jaw. He slid his hands down to her buttocks, squeezing and massaging them, pulling them toward him as he eased inside her again and again. In long, slow strokes, he moved within her, not in any hurry, a steady, wonderful tempo.

She, however, expressed her desire to be taken by him in every position he could think of. He positioned her on her hands and knees, her flawless buttocks raised before him. She turned to look at him as he moved behind her and sank himself into her, kneading her supple flesh, urging her to thrust back against him as he thrust forward. For about five minutes, they continued in this fashion, but the way she turned her head to watch him, as much as the physical pleasure, was moving him towards another climax, so he rolled onto his back and moved her so that she lay on her back on top of him. He opened her legs and guided himself back inside her, rubbing his hands up and down her sides, and then forward to her breasts. She lifted her legs straight up into the air, crossing them at the ankles, rolling her hips to pull more of him inside.

For almost half an hour, they moved into several different positions, some more difficult than others, changing into a new position whenever he felt himself growing near to climax. Finally, with her once more positioned on her hands and knees, he began to thrust harder, now abandoning all control of his urges, and, within minutes, he found himself groaning loudly as he shot more of his seed into her. He emptied himself inside her for what felt like forever before he was, at last, finished. She waited until he was lying on his back, once more out of breath, before grabbing the towel and positioning it under her to catch his spend as it dripped from her. She lay on her stomach, turning her head to watch him.

For several long minutes neither of them spoke, simply looking at each other.

Finally, it was she who broke the silence, "I hope I didn't wear you out too much."

He smiled, "I feel pleasantly worn out, but it's nothing I won't recover from."

"Good. I should get back to those samples, though. And you need to rest."

"Would you stay here with me until I fall asleep?"

She nodded, "Of course."

She cleaned herself up with the towel, which would need to be washed soon, and then slid over next to him. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair until he drifted off to sleep a few moments later. Still, instead of immediately getting up, she stayed there in his arms for almost another thirty minutes, just allowing herself to be held as a woman does while her man sleeps the sleep of the post-coital.

Devyn slept for almost six hours, oblivious to all, even unaware when Hope had finally gotten up. When he woke, he was alone in his bunk, still weary, and slightly sore, partly from using muscles that had weakened from lack of recent practice. He stretched and pulled himself to his feet. Hope had gathered his clothes and folded them neatly, setting them on the edge of his desk. He smiled at the thoughtfulness and got dressed.

"Hope?" he called out as he walked into the lab, and then halted when he found that she was no longer in the lab. He walked up to the cockpit, finding her in the co-pilot's seat.

"Good evening," she greeted him as he plopped into the pilot's seat, handing him the half-full plate and second packet of water he had denied himself earlier.

"Thanks," he gratefully accepted the food and water this time, famished.

"I'm glad you're not being so stubborn about it now."

"I'm too hungry to be stubborn," he admitted.

She nodded, turning to gaze out the windshield at the unyielding expanse of desert before them, silent for a few moments, before asking, "Did you mean everything you said earlier? Or was it just something you said to placate me and make me feel better?"

"I meant every word I told you. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to make love to you."

Hope looked at him, returning his smile with one of her own, "I'm glad to hear you say it."

But then her smile slipped from her face as she announced, "There was another transmission. It arrived while you were resting."

She played it for him, a look of concern on her face.

Major Beltran wasn't the sender this time; instead, it was an officer he didn't know.

"Captain Savoy," the thin, sallow-faced Colonel nodded, "I am Colonel Harold T. Ramos. Major Beltran has been reassigned, so I'm your new supervisor. I'm also happy to begin this assignment with a bit of good news. After a lot of consideration and plenty of arguments, it appears that we should be able to get you home after all. Thanks to Major Beltran and his fierce determination, the Board ultimately decided that a man of your loyalty and sense of duty should not be expendable. As of 0600 this morning, an unmanned supply ship was launched, headed to your coordinates with what should be enough stasis fluid and fuel to get home."

Colonel Ramos continued, "For your enormous sacrifices on behalf of the DCR, you will be handsomely rewarded, as well as a promotion the moment you touch down. You've done us a great service. Hell, you've done the whole damn world a great service! We'll keep you posted on the supply ship's progress."

The transmission ended, and Devyn couldn't help but grin. Finally, those bastards were bringing him home! Then he looked over at Hope, whose expression of concern froze his own smile.

"What is it?" he asked, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, "It's nothing."

"Please, I had hoped that we'd come too far to be anything but honest with each other."

"You'll be a hero when we return. But what about me?"

The meaning sank in, and Devyn was now worried, "Won't you continue on?"

"They'll most likely put me on board with the next pilot without an SAI, or, if I've become obsolete while out here, they'll decommission me."

"I don't know that they would do something like that," Devyn protested, "Maybe if I use some of my pull with the Department..."

She shook her head, "Even if they keep me in service... I'll just be another SAI unit. It won't be like it is when I'm with you."

Devyn nodded thoughtfully, "Maybe if I make sure you get paired with the right pilot-"

She cried, "I want to be with you, Devyn! I don't want to be paired with another pilot. Nobody is going to treat me the way you do. To everyone else, I might as well be the equivalent of a toaster."

"I can try to make them let me keep you," he suggested.

Hope seemed doubtful, "An SAI unit is very valuable to the Department. They wouldn't be very agreeable to allowing that. And what if they reformat my memory before they assign me to a new pilot?"

Devyn had no acceptable answer to this, which made him feel ill.

"I don't want to lose you, but, even worse, I don't want to lose my memories of you. They're all that I have that I value."

"I wish I... damn it, I don't want to lose you, either!

She sighed sadly, "But there's nothing you can do."

Private entry:

Date: 2038, February 1

Location: Alpha post, Planet E-1585

Time: 1946 GMT

Fingerprint scan confirmation: Devyn Savoy, Captain, Department of Colonization Research

Retinal Scan confirmation: approved................

Subject: Always more and more complicated.

It appears that I'll finally be going home soon. This should be great news! I should be ecstatic that I wasn't simply deemed expendable by the Department. Instead, I'm worried for Hope. After everything she's become to me, the thought of her being assigned to another pilot, a pilot who would see her as nothing but another machine, and not as the incredibly beautiful, self-aware entity that she has revealed herself to be. Even worse, what if, when we get back, we find out that she's been rendered obsolete? They'll decommission her, erase her memory, and then set her to some menial task, network programming, computing long sequences, or the like. She told me herself that she cherished her memories of us together, and to lose them upon her return would be more than she could bear. Honestly, the stubbornly rational part of me knows that once her memory is wiped, she'll simply be a clean slate, no more aware of her wiped memories than a computer is aware of its lost information after a hard drive format. I know this, and I'm sure the largely analytical part of her mind also knows this. But still, there is a different part of her that feels, and feels the way that no machine was ever able to feel. She wants to be human, yearns to be the woman that she only appears to be. She wants to live, but knows that she will be forever denied the life she craves, daunted by the fact that underneath her very real-looking skin, she is composed of alloys, fiber-optics, gears, and a sentient computer system for a mind.

I'm convinced that whatever modifications Hope's handlers have made to her weren't ever intended for SAI units. The lubrication that she produces when we make love, the fact that she was endowed with the genitalia necessary for love-making in the first place, and, most of all, her expanded awareness, which could be considered dangerous to many, seemed to set her apart from every SAI I've ever encountered, both at the academy and as my career as a pilot. I think that if anyone in the Department, outside of the handlers that had modified her beyond the allowed specifications, found out about her awareness and capabilities, they would destroy her as an example for any handlers who modified outside the allowed specifications. So, one might see how, while excited to finally be able to go home to Earth, I am also scared for Hope. I think that the one thing I never thought could happen, has happened. I think I've fallen for her. How would all my old flames respond if they knew they'd been replaced with an SAI? If only this weren't a doomed romance...

End Entry

Because their time together was likely to be short, it seemed like an extremely horrible idea to waste it. They spent a great amount of time together in Devyn's quarters, making love as much as Devyn could manage, simply lying together while he recovered, or slept. She reveled in the feelings he produced in her, the joy she felt from the love he gave her. When he slept, she lay in his arms, gently stroking his face and hair every so often, simply watching him, waiting patiently for him to awaken. But, even as Devyn gave her all the love he had, he was aware that, before much longer, the supply ship would arrive, and all of this would come to an end.

Hope, having noticed every time Devyn's mind began to dwell on this, finally said, "Will you quit it?"

Devyn blinked, "What? What did I do?"

"You're thinking about what's gonna happen. Quit it. There's nothing we can do about that, so let's just enjoy the time we have."