Legend of The Headless Horse Cock

"God dammit Peg," I cursed under my breath. "Why?"

I will admit that I saw this coming a mile away and kinda knew the answer, but actually witnessing it was a different matter entirely. Frankly it hurt like hell. And she was gonna cheat with that ass-hat of all people? Seriously? What the hell did he have that I didn't? Apart from being younger than me, good looking, wealthy, athletic, famous, outgoing and allegedly very well hung, he really didn't have much to offer.

At that point I told my inner monologue to shut the fuck up before I punched it in the face.

The core of the matter was that Peggy and I were married and that implied certain vows. If she wanted to do the dirty with other guys she should have asked for a divorce or an open marriage or something. Period. There was no excuse for cheating in my book.

Which was why I was seething with righteous rage as I watched her slip out through a side door in the company of a tall muscular pirate. Yeah I knew the guy - even with his face hidden behind a fake beard there was no mistaking that hulking frame.

Randy "Horse-cock" Mueller.

No doubt about it.

He would have needed to dress like a fucking Mac truck to truly hide his pumped physique.

Peggy's Cat Woman outfit was even less of a disguise, given that she had opted for the slutty Halle Berry version. In my eyes the least sexy incarnation of the famous super villainess, but hands down the most revealing. It was little more than leather pants, a bra and cat ears. Meow.

Before closing the door behind him, Black Beard Randy swept the room with a quick glance to make sure that nobody had noticed their exit. Apparently he was satisfied that they had indeed managed to slither away unnoticed.

He was wrong of course.

But you could hardly blame him. After all he would be watching out for Ben Beauford rather than a deadly Ninja dressed in all black. Besides, Peggy had probably told him that her beloved husband was out of town on business this Halloween.

Obviously she was wrong as well.

As soon as the door closed I went into action and moved to follow the nefarious couple. Except the fucking door was locked. Crap! They were getting away. My sinister Ninja-skills thwarted by a twenty-dollar lock. How embarrassing was that?

Well, if you can't go through, you just have to go around so I started making my way through the building to the front door.

Which proved easier said than done with the main area filled way over capacity with happy and intoxicated people in colourful costumes kicking it to Monster Mash. I barely made it half way across the room before my progress ground to a halt when something red and green and smelling like an exploded brewery grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a hug.

"Who are you and why aren't we busy making out?" slurred a drunk Poison Ivy whose secret identity was local real estate agent Marge Alling.

Not only no, but HELL NO!

"I am death incarnate and because I am married," I growled in my best Christian Bale voice and wriggled myself free from her embrace.

"Ben?" she exclaimed in surprise. "Ben Beauford? But Peg is here with... oh shit on a stick! I'm so sorry... I... shouldn't have said..."

"I was never here Marge," I said looking her straight in the eyes with my most intense Ninja-stare. "You haven't seen me. Please?"

"Eh sure... ok... whatever you say. But Ben?"

"Yes?"

"If Randy doesn't kill you or maim you too seriously, would you like to... you know... hang out later? I'm not wearing any panties under this."

I turned quickly and melted back into the crowd shadow warrior style. No, I wasn't fleeing -- a ninja is totally fearless and never flees - I simply happened to be headed in that direction in a hurry.

No, really.

****

When I finally made it through the crowd to the parking lot I knew that not even the fearsome power of the lethal shadow warrior had been enough. The birds had flown the coop. The empty space where Randy's car had been was like a big neon fuck-you-sign. All I could do was stare out into the moonlit night. Somewhere out there my wife was in the process of annihilating our marriage and I had no fucking clue where the miscreants had gone to consummate their unholy union.

The hidden gps tracker in Peggy's car was about as useful as Lindsay Lohans brain, since they had left in the Horse-cock mobile. I cursed myself for not planting a gps on Randy's car as well.

"Great job," I mumbled to nobody in particular while walking over to my rental. "Maybe I should have gone with a Mike Hammer outfit instead. At least I'd have had a gun to shoot myself with."

****

Lost in the despair of the moment, my mind wandered back to that fateful day when I first got wind of my beloved wife's un-wifely intentions. The day I was rummaging around in the bedroom hunting for a pair of clean socks and happened to overhear Peggy and Hannah gossiping outside in the garden.

"You wouldn't BELIEVE the size of his thing Peg," Hannah said eagerly. "And he can go on for AGES too. I'm telling you, he reduced me to a pool of quivering puddle before he was even half done. It was out of this world."

They both giggled loudly like a pair of idiots. I was just about to poke my head out the window and announce my presence with a loud "Booh!" but what Peggy said next stopped me cold.

"You know," she sighed. "In all seriousness I could really use a good romp like that. Getting reduced to a puddle sounds wonderful."

"But you have Ben. Aren't you two going at it?"

"Of course we are having sex. Just not the kind of mind-blowing puddle'esque sex you're describing. I mean, we have been married for twenty years for crying out loud. It's only natural that some of the passion goes away with the passing of time. I love him dearly and couldn't imagine a better husband. But just once I'd like to..."

"Have an affair," Hannah blurted out. "That's the solution. You need to have an affair Peg."

"Not on your life! Jesus Christ Hannah. You know how jealous Ben gets. He would divorce me on the spot at the very least -- possibly shoot me as well."

"If he were to find out maybe," Hannah replied. "But who says he will? You will just have to make sure that he doesn't, won't you?"

Peggy didn't respond for a few seconds and I was getting my hopes up. But then the Hannah-bitch played her ace.

"Randy wants you Peg. He has asked me about you a couple of times."

"Really?" Peggy said in a way too eager voice.

"Really. He noticed you at the fair and asked me about you. Say the word and I'll hook you up. Come on Peg. Life is short. Live a little..."

That was all I heard because just then two more of her friends showed up and apparently they weren't in on the insanity. I quietly exited the bedroom with my head filled with new thoughts and emotions.

Peggy wanted to cheat? MY Peggy?

Well I certainly wasn't going stop her. Quite the contrary in fact. In my eyes the intention to cheat was sufficient cause for divorce so the only person who could stop Peggy from killing our marriage was Peggy herself.

And I didn't want to live under a cloud of mistrust for years, so I decided to force the issue and supply her with an opportunity. In other words I was going to give her rope enough to hang herself and then see what happened. Either she was faithful or she wasn't, and if she wasn't then I wanted proof as soon as possible.

I shall spare you the trivial details regarding how I installed a spyware tap on Peggy's phone and a gps tracker in her car. Finally - as the piece de resistance - I let her know that I wouldn't be able to attend the annual Halloween party this year because of an urgent out of town business appointment.

The occasion was a deliberate choice on my part. Halloween is the one time of the year when people have a legitimate excuse to walk around in disguise thus making it an ideal event for cheaters to meet without resorting to hotel rooms or deserted areas. As I had expected the two bitches saw this as an opportunity too good to miss and Peg made plans to hook up with Randy at the party.

Needless to add that I had every intention of attending in disguise as well and catch them in the act.

****

And that was the reason why I found myself sitting in a rental car dressed as Kirigi the Fearsome with no fucking idea what to do next. By setting a trap for my wife I had effectively handed her over to Randy, gift-wrapped and ready for use. He was probably banging her right this moment.

Arrrgh!

But always remember Grasshopper - the true power of the shadow warrior isn't his deadly kung-fu or his devastating weapons. It is his ability to think creatively and turn defeat into a crushing victory. And suddenly it struck me: Peggy had an Achilles heel. Her phone.

She may have my efforts stymied by leaving her car behind, but there was no way she'd ever go anywhere without her precious phone. She had her life stored in that thing -- calendar, contacts, e-mail, social networks and a shitload of other stuff. It was on the bedside table when we were having sex, it was with her in the bathroom when she was taking a dump and it was attached to her arm when we were out jogging.

Her little gadget might just turn out to be my greatest ally.

I began with the obvious, I called her. The phone rang through but there was no answer. Not that I had expected any - nobody want to be disturbed while having illicit sex - but at least it verified that her phone was on silent rather than turned off.

Awesome. Clearly the Ninja gods were on my side.

Phase two of my battle strategy involved bringing up the tracking page on my own phone and activate the Find My Phone function. A very useful service if you lose your phone - or if you lose your spouse and happen to know her code and password. Within minutes I was treated to a map, complete with her current location and the surrounding terrain. It was a place I knew well from way back when I was a teenager.

Lovers Point!

I must say that Horse-brain looked like a really classy guy. Rich as fuck yet too cheap to even spring for a hotel room to destroy my marriage in. Instead he had driven Peggy to Lovers Point and was most likely planning to fuck her in the car like some teenager.

Not that I was complaining, mind you. It sure made my task a whole lot easier, since I could catch my cheating wife red-handed without breaking into a hotel or trespassing on private property. Just rip open the car-door, snap a few pictures of Peggy riding his cock and then I'd be on my way to a lawyer.

That's when I suddenly remembered a third way I could use her phone: My installed spyware. I promptly called her number again with an added hash-sign and the activation code. First I heard only beeps and clicks but then the voices of Peggy and Horse-beef emerged from the speaker.

"Oh my God. Hannah wasn't exaggerating. You are huge Randy."

"And it's all for you Sugar buns. Ah yeah... suck it harder... use your tongue... yeah..."

I felt like throwing up in my mouth. Sugar buns? Had he just referred to my wife as Sugar buns?

"Oh you're SO going down Randy!" I sneered. "That was a capital offence right there."

The moans and slurping noises made my warriors blood boil but I had to keep listening.

No, I was NOT peeping on them. I was gathering intel! Ok?

Soon it became clear that Horse-dung felt that a change of lips was in order. He was making a lot of noise maneuvering his bulk into a position to torpedo my marriage, yet to my surprise Peggy began to sound as if she was having second thoughts.

"I don't think I can do this," she said with a trembling voice. "I really don't."

My mood lifted slightly. Could she be regretting her cheating? It wasn't too late yet. I would still need to punish Horsey of course, but maybe I could salvage my marriage at least.

"I have never had one this big before," she continued. "I'm scared I wont be able to take it. Maybe it will hurt."

Oh well -- guess her hesitation wasn't out of consideration for her marriage or yours truly after all. Surprise surprise.

"Don't worry Sugar buns. I promise to be gentle and take it slow," I heard Horse-manure whisper.

"Me too," I thought to myself. "I'll take it slow while I subject your home-wrecking ass to a thousand painful Ninja torture techniques."

The next moment my train of thoughts derailed when Peggy screamed loud enough to almost blow out the speaker.

"OH GAWD! OH JESUS! AAAAAH!"

And that was how my marriage died. Not by the bang of a judge's gavel but by a flurry of screaming homages to the Lord almighty and friends.

A-fucking-men.

"Are you cool Sugar buns?" Randy growled. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No fucking way! Don't you dare! I'm... ungh... almost... OH MY GOD! SHIIIT! AAAAH!"

I could tell from the slapping noises that Horse-breath had forgotten all about "gentle and slow" and was power fucking the shit out of her. And Peggy was clearly loving every second of it.

For the next fifteen minutes I was treated to the sound-track of The Puddlification of Peggy Beauford featuring more mindless screaming and Oh-God'ing than I had heard through our entire marriage. Amazingly they were still going at it full throttle when I finally spotted their car a few hundred feet ahead.

Did I mention that Peggy and I were SO over?

So was Horse-face apparently, because I heard him start begging for a blowjob.

"I want you to swallow my load Sugar buns. I want you to take it all. Will you?"

"Yes Randy. Give it to me whenever you're ready. I want it. Every fucking drop. Let me taste you lover."

FUCK! In all the years we had been married she had NEVER done that for ME. Not even once. Peggy was a notorious spitter, yet here she was practically begging Horse-ass to make her swallow his load.

BITCH!

Everybody has a breaking point and I guess I had finally reached mine. I completely lost every semblance of my Ninja-cool and floored the accelerator. My rental wasn't a very powerful car so the speed hardly exceeded ten miles per hour when I rammed the Horse-mobile. But judging from the screams it definitely took the lovebirds by surprise.

As an added bonus the impact sent their car rolling down the slope until they were stopped rather abruptly by a large tree about fifty feet down.

I disconnected the spy-call to Peggy's phone and dialled 911 instead.

"Operator? I would like to report an accident. Yes, I hit a parked car and the bump sent it rolling down a hill. I think there is somebody in it. No I can't -- my foot is injured. Please send somebody."

Yeah you guessed it -- there was nothing wrong with my foot. But no way was I walking down that hill in the dark. Randy's ass would have to get kicked some other time.

I leaned back and waited for the paramedics to arrive.

****

A few hours later I found myself sitting in a small room at the hospital engaged in a staring contest with a sour-faced cop.

"I really love your police costume," I gushed with fake praise. "It almost looks real. Where did you get it? Wal-Mart?"

"At work smart-ass," he growled. "And you should see the cuffs and the cell that came with it. Keep up the attitude and you just might."

I shut up. Even a deadly and fearless shadow warrior must pick his battles wisely.

"Seriously. Do you really expect me to believe that you had no idea that your wife was having sex with her lover inside the car that you just happened to hit and push down a hill?"

I put on my most sincere expression and reiterated my story.

"As I said, I was searching for my wife fearing for her safety. I tracked her phone and I guess I was too intent on looking at the map while driving. I didn't see the car until it was too late. It was dark out there and it had no lights on..."

"And you knew nothing about the lover?" he sighed.

"Well, of course I did," I replied with a smile. "We have an open relationship Peg and I. Keep them juices flowing after a long marriage y'know. It don't mean a thing if you ain't get to swing, as the saying goes."

I winked conspiratorially at him. He scowled and closed his notebook. Not notebook as in "notebook computer" but an actual honest to god Moleskine paper notebook.

"Ok Mr. Beauford. That was all for now. Thank you for your cooperation and please don't leave town for next few days. I may have further questions."

I left the stimulating company of the law and went to the office of the head nurse to enquire about the status of my slutty wife and Horse-breath. Initially she wasn't very cooperative.

"I really can't disclose information about my patients Mr?"

"Beauford. Ben Beauford at your service."

I produced my license from one of my secret Ninja-pockets.

"I was in the same accident as my sister and her boyfriend. Please -- I am very worried and I need a little information in order to calm down my ailing mom. We are a close knit family you know, and she's terribly upset."

"Oh I see -- so you're related to Margareth Beauford," she said with a smile.

"Peggy, yeah. Blonde, five foot four, dressed like Cat Woman. How is she? Can I see her?"

"Of course Mr. Beauford. Your sister luckily escaped physical injuries, but she has suffered severe emotional trauma thus forcing us to medicate her. She got sprayed with blood from her fiancée when he was injured and she appear to be highly hemophobic."

"Right," I remarked. "...and she's scared of blood too. She's also a vegetarian by the way."

The nurse sighed and made a note in her log.

"I'm so relieved to hear that sis is ok. And how about Horse-co... eh... Randolph?"

The nurse lowered her gaze.

"Alas Mr. Mueller wasn't as lucky. I'm afraid he has lost his glans."

"His what?"

"The outermost part of his member..."

"Dude lost the head of his cock?" I blurted out in amazement.

"Yes, that would seem to be the case unfortunately. We believe that your sister was in the process of performing fellatio on him when your car hit them, causing her to severely lacerate his penis with her teeth. The paramedics were unable to recover the missing tissue unfortunately."

"She literally chewed the head off the dudes dick?"

"Essentially, yes. I suppose you could express it that way."

I was trying really hard not to laugh and he nurse misinterpreted my grimacing as grief.

"Oh don't despair Mr. Beauford. Your friend may no longer be able to procreate in the usual manner, but this doesn't mean that he can't father children. There is nothing preventing a manual extraction of semen which may subsequently be clinically inseminated in your sister."

Oh god -- this was too much. If I didn't get to laugh soon I was gonna suffer a brain hemorrhage. I did my best to excuse myself.

"S... sorry nurse. Too much. I... I need some fresh air. Please excuse... me..." I stammered and bolted for the door.

"No problem Mr. Beauford. I'm sorry about the bad news," I heard her say emphatically as I raced through the lobby.

I barely made it outside and around the corner of the building before breaking down in a fit of roaring laughter. This was too good. Totally worth the four hundred dollar deductible for denting the front of my rental car.

Five minutes later I staggered back inside the hospital and made my way to Peggy's room, eyes still puffy from laughing. She seemed to be asleep but when I touched her hand her eyes flew open.

"Oh Ben," she yelled and grabbed me in a fierce hug. "I'm so sorry my love."

I held her tight for a while, stroking her hair.

"It's ok," I said gently. "But what happened? I thought you were at the Halloween party tonight."

"I was, but I felt sick and wanted to go home so Randy offered me a lift. We had a car accident on the way."

"At Lovers Point?"

"Mmm... yes... Randy had an errand on the way and had to stop..."

I couldn't believe that she was still keeping up the lies. How stupid did she think I was? We were married, for shits sake! She should know me better that this. I decided to play her game for a little longer.