Letter for G. F.

Dearest G. F.,

I miss you, G. F. I miss laughing with you. I miss talking with you. I miss you making me feel so good when I feel like I should feel so bad. You make me feel beautiful when I feel so ugly. I don't have to be anyone but myself when I'm with you. I love you. Isn't that what love really is? Complete and utter acceptance? When I am with you, I can say what I want, do what I want, and never ever regret a single word. Even when I am with D. S., who I love to the deepest part of my heart, I can never feel so normal as when I am with you. You make me feel so normal and so extraordinary at the same time. Like I am beautiful and smart and funny and kind. No one makes me feel like that but you.

I want to be with you. I want you to sweep me into your arms and kiss my face and tell me you love me just the way I am. I love your hands. I love how large and strong they are. I can almost feel them running over my body, and those thick fingers running through my hair, tickling my scalp.

I want to learn your body again. I want you to learn my body again. I want to wake up with you and watch you sleep in the early morning sun. I want to feel your long arms around me, like a protective shield. Nothing can get through those arms. I want to bury my face in your shoulder and smell the sweet scent of your neck.

I danced with you once, at D. S.'s birthday party, so many years ago. We were so young. Don't you remember? Your hands were on my waist, so firm and yet so gentle. Your shoulders were strong. I can remember how solid and reassuring they felt under my fingertips.

My knees were trembling because I was so close to you, but you were looking over my shoulder the whole time. When the song was done, I went and sat down in your chair, breathing in your warm, clean scent. I watched you dance for hours. You never noticed me, did you? You noticed me that spring.

How much things can change in three years! I had almost forgotten how infatuated with you I was, but then you walked back into my life that spring. The way you laughed, the way you smiled, I couldn't believe that you ever left my mind. The only thing different that time is that you were laughing with me, smiling with me. I was no longer watching from afar.

I remember the first time we made love, don't you? I was lying in bed on that bright, springtime morning, just staring at the ceiling and thinking of you. I heard a knock on the door and it was you and you swept me into your arms and you held me tight and told me that you needed me like you've never needed anyone before.

And you just held me. You held me so still and so tight for so long I thought that your feet had grown to the floor. Finally, you whispered in my ear that you loved me and my world was complete. I felt like a radiant sun, brilliant and beautiful. You scooped me up in your long, strong arms and carried me into the bedroom and laid me down on the bed.

You lowered your body gently over mine and kissed me for the first time, long and slow. You kissed me so softly that it hurt. You kissed my cheek and your warm, sweet breath washed over my face and I closed my eyes and I sighed. Your hands swept my hair off of my face and stared at me so hard I blushed. You stared at me like you thought that if you blinked, I might disappear.

I remember looking up at you, the sunlight glinting off of your skin, making it glow like pale gold and peach. I put my palm on your face and your eyes shut and you pressed your lips into my hand. You kissed your way across my hand and down my arm. I can still feel the tickle of your lips against the crease of my elbow, gently brushing and caressing. When you got to my shoulder, I wrapped my arms around your strong, broad back. I stroked up and down your back, gently lifting your white shirt up over your head and smoothing my hands against your bare skin.

You shuddered into the crook of my neck and I gasped as I felt your hands under my shirt, on my waist. My shirt slid up my body and I lifted my arms as you pulled it over my head. You pressed your lips to the hollow of my throat, kissing a little trail of fire down past my collarbone, finally settling your head between my breasts. Your hands skimmed down my sides to the waistband of my panties and pulled them gently down my hips. As you dropped the panties to the ground, I reached for the buttons on your jeans.

I will never forget the perfection of how we fit when you finally sank into me that very first time. The slight temporary discomfort, then the unbelievable friction of you moving within me. I wrapped my legs around your slim hips, arching my back as you began panting against my heated skin. I looked at your face and I saw the love there, bringing tears to my eyes, and in that instant, I came.

It was like, in that moment, I saw the truth and it was beautiful. I finally knew what living really was.

You were my first. Yes, my first, G. F., and my last. You are the only man I've ever wanted.

Things were so good for so long, don't you remember? I loved you and you loved me. You kissed me and held me and made me feel so good. You wrote me love songs and I made you a fancy cake on your birthday. You tried it even though it was burned, then laughed with me an hour later over the ice cream cake I ran out to buy.

And then when I got depressed again and lay in bed all day, staring at the wall, you curled up behind me and wrapped your arms around my stomach and kissed my neck. You told me that you loved me, no matter what, and that made me feel even worse. How could someone like me deserve someone like you? And so I left you and broke my own heart before you broke it for me.

I am so, so sorry for lying to you, G. F. I did love you, and I still do. I know now that I always will. You are the only person who ever made me feel like I am worth anything. But it's too late now.

You are with D. S. now and it's breaking my heart. I just need to know, do you love her? Do you love her like you loved me? If you do love her and are happy with her, I will leave you alone. I'll watch you dancing from the sidelines again, sitting in your chair, and smelling your scent.

Love forever,

Anna