Letter from Jarretsburg

Dear Shoeblossom:

Most of my life, I've been known for bad skin and worse work habits. But Amaretto, my wife loves me anyway "You're good for nothing, Zits, but unlike the other bums in the neighborhood you don't bother to take my purse in the bathroom...you dip in it right in front of me...at least you're no phony!"

One day Amaretto came home from work greeting me as I got high while watching "Bob the Builder". She had interesting news about her employer, T. Lionel McBride. "This is a weird one, Zits. You know how Lionel puts a little extra in my check when I give him a BJ under the desk, or let him hump me over the copier? "

"Every little bit helps, since you only type about ten words a minute, honey." I said, as I cooked some powdered smack over a solution of water in a metal bottle cap. "Try and think of Ben Affleck or someone while you do it."

"Dude, this is weird though" Amaretto said sitting down in her cute little pinstriped work clothes...Amaretto is a chesty honey blonde, and when she wears her gray skirt suit thingie, she looks like what would be produced if Donald Trump raped Christina Applegate.

"Today, Lionel asked me to spank him! He had this long wooden paddle with holes in it, and I took his pants and under-drawers down, right there in the office, and whipped his bare butt! Zits, it was really strange!" Amaretto accepted a shot from my needle, though usually she doesn't fix during the week.

"It was freaking weird, Zits." Amaretto told me. "You know how intimidated I've always been by Lionel...he's hot shit at the company, and I've seen him reaming out competitors while I took notes, and all that. And then today he puts this frightening looking paddle with the holes in it, called a Spencer paddle apparently—in front of me.

And then Lionel says "Amaretto, I need punishment, will you give it to me?" And he looked so embarrassed, Zits! Like I would lose respect for him. I really got the idea that I wasn't just some common skank he messed around with, that he really looked up to me!

So I said "Sure, Mr. McBride, if that's what you want." He says "No, call me Lionel. I really trust you, Amaretto." And then he looks real sad and says, "I guess you'll be wanting me to take down my pants right ma'am?" And I went 'But of course, you bad boy."

So he takes off his jacket and then unbuckles his pants, blushing the whole time with me looking and all—'cause Zits, I hadn't taken off a stitch—and he pulls down his boxers and bends across the desk with his eyes closed.

And I picked up the Spencer paddle with the holes and all, and I whacked him kind of lightly on his ass, and he told me I could hit harder than that! "Bring me to tears, Amaretto, and I'll give you five hundred dollars."

So I began giving to him hard, like my stepfather used to do to me and my sisters with his old frat paddle. After about twenty whacks, Lionel's butt was starting to look like a red cherry, and he began crying, but I went on for about thirty or forty more whacks, until I saw some blood, and he was REALLY sobbing, snot running out of his nose and all.

Then I felt bad, and I put the paddle down. I unbuttoned a few buttons on my blouse so he could see my cleavage and I said, 'Come here baby, Momma's not mad at you anymore' and he got on my lap, and hugged me, and he told me that he'd been fantasizing about me punishing him for the longest time.

And then, as he stared into my boobs, I began stroking his dick, and he began panting as it got real stiff. I asked him if he wanted me to bring him off, and he said he was a submissive, and it was my choice whether he got to cum, or even got to have an erection!

So I told him I wanted his dick to go soft, and the whole time I'm still giving him the hand job and he's bug eyed looking at my boobs. But then he closes his eyes and begins mumbling baseball scores to himself, and his dick went soft in my hand.

And then, Zits...I actually said 'You didn't go soft fast enough! And I turned him over my knee and whipped his ass with the paddle again until he was crying, and then told him to jerk off on the floor, and after he came on my shoes and licked up the scum, he gave me a THOUSAND dollars! Isn't that the wildest?"

I shook my head. That was strange. I liked Lionel...after Amaretto began working for him, he got me paroled early from a nickel-dime I was doing for Burglary Two...the guy had power, and used it quite generously!

The next day, Amaretto told me that Lionel had asked her to spank him again, and then to whip him with his own belt. "And he didn't even ask to fuck me afterwards" she said in wonder. "And he gave me five hundred bucks as a sort of present!"

Now I knew that Lionel was a rich guy—he did something with securities, or stocks or bonds or some such, and he had a lotta bucks. Shit, his family had a huge estate not five miles from the trailer park where I'd grown up, and the McBrides were known here in Jarretsburg...but five hundred bucks as a present for getting your ass kicked?

I went out of town for about seventy-two hours to avoid some nosy inquiries by the local constabulary concerning some Radio Shacks I may or may not have broken into... and when I returned the house was gleaming. "Lionel cleaned it" Amaretto told me happily. "And paid me to let him do it!"

And then I began getting a little jealous of Lionel...because Amaretto came home purring a few nights in a row. Turned out that instead of working, Lionel had taken her to a hotel down the street from his office, and he'd performed extensive oral ministrations between her legs, followed up by a long massage. He was really quite an employer, I thought. Shit, made me almost want to work and why not?

The following week I'd gotten "The Flintstones" from Netflix and was watching that while injecting a little Prolixin. Amaretto walked in again, this time accompanied by Lionel, her employer. I watched in interest as he took off his jacket and knelt by the sofa.

"No no..." Amaretto said as she took off her business suit jacket, stretching, which emphasized her full breasts in a snug pink turtleneck. "I told you that you have to take off EVERYTHING in front of Zits. We're not hiding this anymore, Lionel. Get to it!"

Lionel looked at me, and bit his lip, and then looked at Amaretto, who calmly asked me to give her my wide leather belt. I removed it and handed it to her. Amaretto began fondling the belt and staring at Lionel. "Apparently you don't know how to follow orders, mister. Get those clothes off right now!"

Lionel's eyes filled with tears, but he began loosening his tie, and within a few moments he was standing there in our small living room, naked as the day he was born. "Now you're going to pay for hesitating." Amaretto said angrily. "Lie over the armrest of our sofa!"

"P-please, not in front of Zits...don't make me do it, Miss Amaretto." Lionel pleaded. Amaretto then walked over, her breasts jiggling in the little pink sweater and grabbed Lionel by the ear, and pulling him to the sofa and throwing him across the armrest. Her belt rose and landed thirty times across his pale white buttocks, until they were bright red, and he was weeping.

As he stood in the middle of the room, tears streaming down his face, Amaretto pointed at Lionel's dick. "Did you ever see anything so small, Zits? It's like a Vienna sausage. But it's hard...he likes getting his ass ripped into, don't you think?"

Indeed it was. Lionel's penis was swelling defiantly as its owner rubbed his buttocks and snot ran from his nostrils. I was mystified as to why Lionel was here though—couldn't they go through this bondage shit at the office? It was really interrupting my nod.

"All right, Lionel...get dinner on the table. I expect you to have cooked something edible by six o'clock. Amaretto said, and she plopped down next to me, giving me a deep kiss, which I heartily returned.

As Lionel cooked in the nude, my wife and I made out a bit, and I began kissing her glorious breasts, after having pushed up her pink turtleneck and pulled down her bra. "You should see this, Lionel...Zits is sucking on my titties!" Amaretto called into the kitchen (Well really, it was a kitchenette, and Lionel could see everything). "You'll never get to kiss my full boobs...you don't deserve it. Only real men get to kiss them."

As I slurped on Amaretto's huge pink areolas, I heard Lionel crying in the kitchen and looked to my left, and indeed, as he mixed something in a bowl, he was staring at us, and sobbing. At one point Amaretto told Lionel that she was considering having him suck my dick and he really cried—much harder.

Just as well...I recalled when I had visitation with my divorced father—he was on a prison road crew on Jarretsburg Highway, and I would stop to talk with him as he swung his pick...and then a long limo drove by, and my father had told me "Them's the McBrides, Zits...they've got it all." And I remembered little Lionel McBride in his suit, thumbing his nose at me through the limousine window. That was very much a clear memory.

Dinner that night was really something— Lionel made Shrimp Scampi, gourmet food like I'd never had—but Lionel didn't join us, he just knelt naked in the corner unless we needed a wine glass filled. It was quite odd...but Amaretto really adjusted to it well!

After dinner, I watched while Lionel licked Amaretto to several orgasms, and then she let him jerk off while she kicked his balls with her shoe. Hemingway said "The rich are different from you and me" Fitzgerald said "That's because they have more money." And I say, they're fucking weird, man. The rich are WEIRD.

Later on, after Lionel left, Amaretto had a heart-to-heart with me. "Look here, Zits" she'd said earnestly. "You're a great guy, but you're not real good at bringing home the bacon. No one would take your bills when you tried counterfeiting because Jefferson looked like Rod Stewart...when you tried mugging an old lady, she tickled you until the police arrived. Whenever you steal a car, it runs out of gas... I think we have to find a plan to live well, and Lionel might be the ticket."

And two weeks later, life changed...REALLY changed. We moved from our cramped tenement apartment into Lionel's magnificent house! I agreed to give up all crime in return for a generous allowance that kept me in drugs and pornography, and Amaretto was able to quit her job and just live at home. Amaretto's girlfriend, Aurora became Lionel's secretary-attendant at work, and I understand she puts him through a nice bit of hell there.

But Shoeblossom, it's really an odd lifestyle. I've adjusted to it well, but really, it's odd. Most of the day while Lionel's working, Amaretto and I fuck on our waterbed, get high and watch soap operas—I'm a big fan of "General Hospital" though Amaretto prefers "As the World Turns." But then Lionel comes in.

Lionel's a large CEO type guy and you can tell he's good at firing people, and being the ass-kicker in business. When he comes in the house, however, it all changes. Usually he strips off his Brooks Brothers duds at the door, and then kneels in the middle of the floor until Amaretto gives him further instructions.

Amaretto has put Lionel in an amazing contraption—a chastity belt that locks around his cock and balls—and she spends much of her time teasing him, flashing her boobs or rubbing the tip of the belt with her long leg. The device apparently is a little smaller than Lionel's cock, so when he gets excited, it presses painfully against the little tube.

It's kind of sad watching him grit his teeth and grimace as the penis attempts to swell in that horrible little contraption. And then sometimes Amaretto tries to calm his fighting spirit down by kicking him in his exposed testicles, just under the tube...that calms him down a bit, in a way...

The other part that's so interesting has been my participation in Lionel's training. I never thought I would enjoy getting my dick sucked by a guy, but Amaretto has often complained that I ask for fellatio way too much. So she trained Lionel to take my dick in his mouth every morning. (it's called his protein breakfast) and crawls in my bed.

Lionel sucks me off, and then goes down on Amaretto, who really digs his tongue. Then he gets up and goes to the kitchen to make us OUR breakfast—Belgian waffles, or an omelet...he's a damn good cook!

Amaretto puts some really watery oatmeal in a dog bowl and Lionel licks it out on his knees before he dresses to go to work. He's usually cleaned the house the night before, but sometimes there are chores to be done in the morning.

I go over his work with a white glove...if there's any dust, I take Amaretto's whip and I give Lionel fifty hard ones...he's a tough dude and he can take it, and always thanks me with tears streaming from his eyes. Now and then I take off his chastity tube and give his dick a few swats with a long, thin piece of wire with duct tape on the end. I call it my Awakener.

Cuff Lionel's hands behind his back and thrash his penis with the Awakener about ten times, and he really dances! His dick becomes red and welted, and he begs me to let him off...but I always remember him thumbing his nose at me in the limo when I was visiting Dad on the chain gang, and I thrash him with true vigor.

When I get in the house at night, I usually make Lionel clean my muddy boots with his tongue, which he's become quite adept at, and sometimes when he doesn't do a good enough job, I crush his balls with the steel toed heel of my boot. Watching him howl and scream is more than payback for my childhood, don't you think?

Amaretto is even more sadistic...she likes to attach mousetraps to Lionel's nipples, stomach (he's got a little gut) and cock and balls...then she borrows my Awakener and knocks them off with unparalleled energy in a woman of her size.

But Lionel is always forgiving of her. He really is in love with Amaretto, serious love. He loves to undress her and worship her body with his tongue, kissing her sweet spot between her legs until she cums again and again. He kisses her butt and gives her wonderful massages and tells her how precious she is to him.

But Amaretto has been re-training Lionel to give me similar massages and tongue baths. He is a complete heterosexual, so it takes him a bit of time to get used to this, but he's learning fast! "I know it's creepy at first, Zits" Amaretto counseled me. "But if you close your eyes, you can enjoy his tongue licking the sweat off your back just as if it was mine."

But Lionel does a great job! He methodically massages my skin, and knows Shiatsu and all the rest of the various rubs. It's no pleasure to him, except of course to please Amaretto, who he dearly loves. I'll say that, Shoeblossom—I love the fact that he is devoted to my wife!

He gets a real thrill out of it when she lets him assist in her bath...he gently washes her breasts, and trims her pubic hair, and runs a sponge around her full ass cheeks. Lionel entertains her, too...squeaking a rubber duckie and making my wife laugh with such pleasure!

Amaretto deserves to be cherished, I think, she really has a good time with Lionel, but I don't have to worry about her falling in love with him, since he's such a fucking dork, right?

Sometimes we do a three way tag team—Amaretto loves the way I lick her clit, so she sits on my face and plays with her nipples, while Lionel sucks my dick...Eventually Amaretto and I both cum, and Lionel of course, doesn't...but he never seems to complain, and then he goes and fixes us a snack or something! And always something good—never like, a PB&J, usually caviar on crackers...he's a classy guy.

And most of the time he is kneeling and awaiting a command. When Amaretto gets irritated with him, she'll make him face the corner while we're doing our thing, and that's especially painful, since he loves staring at her. But Amaretto has become quite the bitch!

Lionel has many friends in the BDSM community, as well as in the orgy and pansexual community. And he's arranged for some fun parties, but Amaretto rarely allows him to participate. Usually once everything's set up, Lionel is forced to get naked before anyone else does, and he has to stand there, cowering in his nudity, as everyone else, clothed, just laughs and looks at him.

Then Amaretto will put a hood over Lionel's head with no eye holes...just a mouth hole! I generally lead Lionel around then, as various people stick their dicks in the hole, or mount their clits over it, so the now blind Lionel can service!

During the more intense BDSM parties, the guests really enjoy whacking and poking "the hooded one" as he's known. His cock and balls are free from any chastity device, and his hands are tied behind him...and so he gets a lot of male and female hands playing with his genitals...it must be quite confusing to Lionel!

One guy, Master Panic, went through an entire evening chasing the blinded and confused Lionel around the party, jumping ahead of his hooded, naked body, and whipping his dick again and again with a wire coat hanger until poor Lionel screamed in frustrated agony...

Lionel eventually just curled up on the floor, attempting vainly to keep his dick from being attacked, but Panic was such a lunatic, that he wouldn't stop until Amaretto finally guided him away to torture someone else. Lionel really had a time of it!

Sometimes I tie Lionel to a carpenter's horse and let people whack away...it's quite a breeze! When the party is over, and poor Lionel, who's seen no beautiful bodies, and just has an exhausted mouth for participation...since he's not been allowed to cum...has to clean up after his hood's removed.

Of course we lock the chastity device back on before we unlock the handcuffs; we're not stupid. I used to think Lionel was stupid for letting a couple of rednecks lock him into chastity, but he's told me a number of times that his life is so much fuller this way.

"It's what I need out of life, Zits" Lionel told me once when we went for a beer. "I've had 20 years of selfish wives, and trying to find fulfillment in cocaine, prostitutes, and Valium. You and Amaretto have fulfilled me more than I ever thought it could be."

"But wouldn't you rather have a wife, Lionel? You probably could get a girl to look after you with the S&M, I'm sure there are a number of sadistic bitches out there, right?" But Lionel, he just laughed.

"No, Zits ...I don't think as a submissive I deserve to be married to a dominant woman...I just need to serve a woman like a dog. It's too bad, but that's the way it is. To serve a woman and her husband as a worthless house slave is really the comfort beyond my wildest dreams, somehow."

And that's the way it is! I just thought, as a BDSM advice columnist, you'd find it interesting to discover how my wife and I are dealing with the recession...we have quite a low tech but high paying job, don't you think?

Best,

Arbuthnot "Zits" Zausman

Dear Zits:

Work is best however you can get it! Make sure, though that you get lots of cash gifts from this guy, just in case he loses interest in you and wants some other thrill...

Best of luck!

Shoeblossom