License to Cheat?

"Healthy marriages deal with these mismatches in sex drive in various ways. Sometimes the party that wants or needs more sex than the partner can provide simply 'sucks it up,' as it were, maybe they turn to masturbation. While many people are uncomfortable with the concept, I have had some success with having the partner who needs more sex to masturbate in front of their partner. This will often stimulate their partner to the point that they are able to have further intercourse.

"I don't want it to seem like I'm taking sides, but Allen's willingness to find alternate ways to provide you with sexual satisfaction is another way healthy couples deal with this issue. I am troubled by your unwillingness to explore those options. I fear that the unreasonable expectations produced by the online forums influenced you."

I felt myself beginning to smirk, thinking, 'Yeah, you go, Doc, give it to her!' when Dr. Wilson turned to me.

"While I understand your anger and frustration, Allen, and believe me, it was quite justified, I'm afraid that your reaction was counter-productive..."

I started to interrupt, but she held up her hand and continued.

"I'm not blaming you, Allen. Frankly, that is probably the way that most men would have reacted, but that doesn't mean it was the best way to handle things. It might have helped if you somehow had managed to stay in the marriage bed, and talk to Lucy..."

This time I wouldn't be put off!

"Now, just hold on there, Doc!" I nearly shouted, "I TRIED talking to her, before she blew me off, I was just a man, too simple to understand the nuances of female sexuality. What was the point of talking to her then?"

Dr. Wilson took a moment to let me calm down.

"Not to be snide, Allen, but how did that work out for you?"

I could only sit there with my head hanging down. What could I say? She was right.

"I can't stress it enough, Allen, I'm not blaming you. Let's face it, if people always reacted quote/unquote correctly, there would be a lot of unemployed therapists," she said smiling.

Lucy and I both had sad smiles at that.

"I'm afraid that you're going to have a hard time with my next remarks," Dr. Wilson said.

I was pretty sure where she was going, and was immediately on the defensive.

"I believe that you made a huge mistake involving the children..."

I nearly jumped out of my seat.

"I DIDN'T involve them. Billie walked right into the middle of things, and she called AJ. It's not my fault that they had the good sense to see that Lucy was wrong!"

Lucy started to sob, but I refused to comfort her as Dr. Wilson handed her a box of tissues.

"I understand that you didn't deliberately involve them, but you also didn't do anything to defuse the situation either. By doing that, not only did you delay the healing between Lucy and the children, but you isolated Lucy. It was 'Lucy against the world,' making it harder for her to give in. There's no way of knowing, of course, but possibly with some more support within the family unit, Lucy might have come around sooner.

"I'm afraid that we're at the end of our time, but I do think that we've got a lot of things out into the open that will be helpful going forward. Please give some thought to all that was said here, and I'll see you again next week."

The session was emotionally draining, and it was only the first of many, and I can't say that they were 100% successful in the sense that our marriage returned to the way it was, but I suppose it would have been unrealistic to expect that it would.

I did return to our bed, though it was a few weeks before I would move my things back. Our passion was never the same, though Lucy seemed satisfied. If I'm going to be totally honest, I don't know if it was really that bad, or if it was my still lingering resentment.

Eight years after we reconciled, Lucy hit menopause and her libido dropped to nearly nothing.

Our sex life had become very frustrating for me. Lucy was rarely "in the mood," and usually when she did say yes, it felt like she was doing it because she felt that she had to, out of some sort of duty to me, not out of any desire on her part.

It shames me to admit it, but my thoughts went back to when Lucy had her "vacation" from our marriage. I began to think that I deserved the same consideration. After all, if SHE was entitled to have lovers because I wasn't doing my duty, didn't the reverse apply?

When I hit Lucy with my thoughts, she had a predictable reaction.

"Are you out of your mind, Allen? Have you forgotten how I nearly destroyed our marriage, and now you want to light another fuse under it?"

"I understand what you're saying, and my logical mind says that you're right. However, my emotional side says that you had your lovers when, as you put it, I couldn't hold up my end. Why should I be denied the same privilege?"

I could see her mind working. I could tell that she HATED the very idea, but she really had no counter argument other than how her "flings" nearly destroyed our marriage.

"Okay, Allen," she said, her eyes filling with tears, "I think you know I hate what you're going to do, and I REALLY hate you throwing my words back in my face, but I see that I really can't stop you. You should realize though, that just like before, our marriage will never be the same."

With that, she ran up to our room in tears.

I was having serious doubts, but I had started this thing going, and what's that saying, "Once the avalanche has started, it's too late for the pebbles to vote?"

It was a really stupid idea, it was just childish revenge, fuck, I was having ED issues and needed the little blue pill half the time, but I wanted, I NEEDED to hurt her like she hurt me.

Although I went out about every other Friday, I really didn't get laid that much; there isn't much of a market for out of shape 50-year-old guys with ED issues!

I only kept up the pretense for about six months. Lucy didn't move out of the bedroom, but on my Fridays out she slept in the guest room.

When I told her I was done with my revenge (though I didn't call it that!), we struggled to get our relationship back on track, but it was even less successful than after her fling.

We did go back and have a few sessions with Dr. Wilson, but there really wasn't anything that she could tell us that we didn't already know.

We are still together, we even still have sex, though it's more for the physical release than an expression of love.

We keep moving forward, mostly from inertia, and for the sake of the children and grandchildren.

It's not much, but maybe it's what we deserve.