Light Up My Life

More wish fufillment. Maybe not a normal rock star, but why not? Only one real song title is used, all the rest are made up. I never wrote any lyrics because they wouldn't be as good as the story suggests they are.

***

Excerpt from the interview with Dave Barrett in the Magazine 'New Rock'.

NR: You seem to be coping with your increasing fame rather well?

DB: I suppose I am. I've always just taken things as they come, not taken them for granted. I'm happy to be well known, but if it all went away I hope I'd still be happy.

NR: No tales of booze, pills and groupies from you then?

DB: (Laughs) That's because boringly, there aren't any. I won't deny I like a drink now and then, but never to excess. As for drugs, well, I find the buzz from performing more than enough.

NR: And the groupies?

DB: They're still around of course, but not as many as in the days of the rock giants. Some unbelievably pretty girls have made it obvious what they're offering but unfortunately for them I'm still hung up on a girl I went to school with.

NR: Does this girl know?

DB: (Shaking his head in sorrow) No. I never told her how I felt.

NR: Any idea if she is going to be at the special concert you're holding in your hometown in a few weeks?

DB: Unfortunately I don't know. But I can hope. (Wry smile)

***

"Hello out there." I said as I came out onto the stage, peering out through the evening gloom at the thousands of attentive faces, one or two I thought I recognised. "It's good to be home." This elicited a huge cheer from my fellows. The free outdoor gig in the park where I had hung around as a kid had been my idea. One reason was that I wanted to give something back to all those fans who had been there at the start: The people who went to the tiniest places just to see me play and set me on the road to fame. That was the explanation I gave to everyone who asked, but there was another reason.

"Lets start with something I know you all want to hear." I told them. With that we launched into 'Torn Between Pink And Led' the song that got me noticed. A song about two rock behemoths and how they inspired me.

We went through most of my back catalogue from the loud 'No Line Between Rock And Roll' to the quieter 'No Fool But Me' with one or two Floyd and Zeppelin covers thrown in for good measure. We played for over two hours and then did a couple of encores before we played 'Wish You Were Here', our usual finale.

Everybody expected the stage lights to go out at this point and most of them did, but one spotlight stayed on, focused on me. I had one more song I wanted to play; a new song, sort of.

"That last song doesn't quite say what I want to say. What I actually want to say is 'Hope You Are Here' and it, and the new piece I'm about to play for you, are both for a girl who is special to me, who I really do hope is here. She doesn't know who she is, because I never told her back then, but maybe someday I will. This is called 'Light Up My Life'."

I began to play it as I'd written it, just me and an acoustic guitar, how I'd started more than fifteen years ago. It wasn't a long composition, just four verses and no chorus; a simple ode to an unrequited love.

As I finished, the last note hanging in the still night air for a moment, I looked down at the stage. The crowd was silent for a second then exploded into cheers and whistles and calls to hear the song again.

"Glad you like it." I looked up and smiled. "But the curfew is up, no more time allotted I'm afraid. Thank you all and goodnight." The spot went out and I left the stage, the cheers still ringing in my ears. I was immensely proud of the reception that 'Light Up My Life' had got. That song was the other reason I'd wanted to do this gig. It wasn't really a new song; I'd written it a long time ago, before 'Pink And Led' even, but I felt that I wanted it's first outing to be special, at the right time and in the right place. This was definitely the right place and I'd decided that tonight was finally the right time.

***

I had invited as many old school friends as I could contact to a club after the gig. I moved around greeting most of them and they all had the same question: Who was the girl in the song? It seemed to be the main topic of conversation. I just shook my head, telling them that it was a secret for now. Apparently there was no real consensus as to her identity, but a lot of suggestions. Some serious, some ridiculous, but no one mentioned the one name I knew it was. Eventually I sat down with what most people would have realised were my 'core' friends: John, who had introduced me to the freedom of playing a guitar; Andy, his younger brother, who had been the drummer in a short-lived band we'd had at school; And Gary, an old neighbour who had been the singer in the same band. The band had broken up because the other three, Andy, Gary and a bass player called Rob, thought they might be holding back the guitarist; me. I would have been happy to keep gigging with them even now, but they insisted I was destined for greater things and encouraged me to strike out on my own.

"I reckon if anyone can work out who this mystery girl is, it's us three." John said with a smile.

"Go ahead, you're welcome to try." I smiled back. I had known it would be like this when I'd introduced the song that way and was determined to keep quiet.

"Okay then," He paused, "She's most likely a copper-top, you always seemed to have a thing for a redhead."

"No point in denying that." I laughed.

"Probably in your year at school." He continued.

"Maybe, but not necessarily."

"And most likely someone we'd not suspect." He finished and rubbed his chin in thought.

"Never in a million years." I smirked, but thinking 'Not bad, he's nearly there'.

"I know! It's Mad Mandy!" Gaz shrieked.

"Mandy Ellis? The girl who thought it was funny to kick every boy on the shins at least once a week? You're kidding right?" I laughed. "And she was a blonde, you berk."

"Sounds like true love to me!" Andy added.

"Pillock." John said before going back to his original line of thinking. "It isn't Miss Harmsworth the music teacher is it? You seemed to spend a lot of time with her."

"That was because she was helping me write music and teaching me to read it as well. Though I will admit she did have red hair, she was a good ten years older than us, well me, anyway. She was just pushing me in the right direction." I said.

Not long after I'd first begun to play the guitar I'd gone to see Miss Harmsworth, the junior music teacher, to ask for her help with an early version of 'Light Up My Life'. She had been delighted to assist me, showing me how to read and write music; she had helped me get 'Light Up' finished and even gave me the idea for 'Pink And Led'. It was also Miss Harmsworth who suggested I try performing some local gigs on my own after the band had split up, even finding the first few for me. If any one person was responsible for setting me on the road to music as a career it was her, so I suppose John's guess hadn't been that wide of the mark, but for her it had always been about spreading the love of music, all sorts of music. I was still in contact with her and she kept telling me about children with one musical talent or another. In fact I had dedicated my first album 'Sunshine After The Storm' to her, but few people realised that.

"I thought I had it then." John said ruefully.

"An interesting guess, but I knew this girl way before then." I gave them a clue before I could stop myself, I did want to tell them.

"Hey! It's not my little sister is it?" Gaz exclaimed. "She had red hair."

"Ha!" I laughed. "Your sisters hair was every colour under the sun at one time or another."

"But you used to walk home with her." Gary persisted.

"We lived next door to each other Gaz." I reminded him, rolling my eyes to the ceiling before the four of us collapsed to the floor laughing. As we recovered I saw one of the club's doormen trying to catch my eye. "Oh well, much as I'd like to hear more of Gaz's strange suggestions, I have to circulate some more. I'll catch you later guys." I got up and walked over to the doorman.

"You requested to be informed if a particular lady arrived sir." He said in a low voice. "Well I'm pleased to say she gained admittance five minutes ago and is now in the bar I believe."

I had to know one thing. I asked.

"Was she alone?"

"Her 'plus one' was not taken up sir."

My heart leapt.

"Thanks. There'll be some drinks for you guys later on."

"We will appreciate that sir. And I thank you in advance." He said and then returned to his post. I smiled to myself; she was here!

***

I'd known (perhaps not the right word in the circumstances) Elizabeth Mary Patterson since my early school days, attending the same schools as she did without ever being in the same classes. To begin with she was just part of the background to schoolboy life, one of those kids who didn't play football and who ran funny; a girl. As we reached our teens and passed through puberty (although not necessarily in that order) I began to look at girls differently and at Elizabeth Mary in particular. However I was shy of actually going up to her and asking her out. Talking to her was manageable; I'd been doing that for years now; but asking her out on a date? No chance. That's not to say I didn't go on dates with other girls. There were a fair few I did date at one time or another, but always my thoughts returned to Elizabeth Mary Patterson. She was a redhead of course, and probably the cause of my long-standing fascination, John had been spot-on there. She was a little bit on the short side but with everything in proportion to her height. By the age of fifteen she was to me the most gorgeous creature on the entire planet but I found I couldn't tell her that. Instead I got tongue-tied and tried to make witty remarks that instead came out as banal and unfunny. I persisted with my attempts for a while but, to me at least, it became obvious that all I was doing was alienating her. I stopped because I couldn't bear the imperceptible glazed look of 'not him again' that flashed across her face. She was still polite to me though, long after other girls would have told me to shove off. That politeness endeared her to me even more but I had to give up for my own sake if not hers. However she was still the girl my mind defaulted to when I was writing a song; I had to make an effort to imagine someone else. Now I wondered if I might finally be able to talk to her properly so I went to the bar area to find out.

She was standing away from the bar looking a little lost and lonely, but observing those around her. She still looked as beautiful as I had always pictured her.

"Hello Elizabeth Mary Patterson." I said and kissed her hand. "I wasn't sure you'd come." There was no reaction so I felt safe in assuming she wasn't married.

"I wasn't sure I should." She smiled her heartbreakingly pretty smile, her green eyes lighting up in the way I was fond of recalling.

"Why on earth not?" I asked.

"To be frank, I didn't think the big rock star could possibly remember me and had just picked my name out of some old records or something." She looked a little ashamed at the thought. This also seemed to be good news to me.

"Elizabeth Mary, you don't know how far from the truth you are." I grinned.

"My parents are the only ones who still call me that." She grinned back.

"Well, you did tell me that's what your name was."

"Twenty years ago, at our first school." She giggled. "And look at you now, famous and everything. It's hard to believe that the writer of that beautiful 'Light Up My Life' is the same person who couldn't string two coherent sentences together."

I blushed at the praise from an unexpected source.

"So you were at the concert then?" I asked to cover up.

"Not as close to the front as I'd have liked." She said nodding.

"No." I smiled. "Somebody at the site told me that those at the front had been camping out for two nights to make sure they got good spots. I don't think I would have. Not just to listen to me. AC\DC maybe, but not me."

"Oh I don't know. I might have if I'd thought about it."

"You? I don't remember you as a rock chick?"

"I'm not really. But the guy who was playing guitar went to school with me." She smiled.

"There is that I suppose." I grinned again, I couldn't help it, she had that effect on me. "So you enjoyed the new song?" I asked.

"A lot." She nodded. "I felt that it was as if it was written about me, but I can't see why." She laughed nervously. "I suppose a lot of girls say things like that?"

'NOW!' My sub-conscious screamed. 'TELL HER NOW!!' But I bottled out.

"Well, we did go to school together for a long time, maybe some of it rubbed off on me." I said instead.

"You wouldn't care to hint about who that song is really about would you?" She smiled.

'She knows, she knows' the inner voice said.

"I don't think I ought to, it might cause problems." I told her.

"I suppose." Elizabeth Mary grudgingly agreed, disappointment in her tone.

"Listen, can we talk later? After everyone has gone home?" I asked. "I'd like to catch up with you, but at the moment I sort of have to circulate."

"Well..." There was a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

"You've got someone waiting for you? I understand."

"No, it's not that. I just think I shouldn't be hanging around with a rock star."

"How about hanging around with an old school friend?" I countered but Elizabeth Mary still seemed unconvinced. "I promise I'm not going to whisk you off to some secret sex dungeon." I smiled.

"Another illusion shattered!" She laughed. "All right I'll wait here for you."

Everyone was leaving noisily via the front door of the club now. I found Elizabeth Mary waiting for me more or less where I'd left her.

"Hi!" I said.

"Hi back!"

"I don't suppose you know of somewhere we can go to talk?" I asked. "Only I wouldn't feel right taking you to my hotel room."

"That's not proper rock star behaviour." She laughed.

"No, but it is Dave Barrett behaviour." I grinned back.

"I suppose we could head to my place, if you don't mind a walk that is. We can cut through the park, and talk as we go." She suggested.

"Sure. It'll certainly fox the paparazzi out the front." I said with a smirk. "Lead on Elizabeth Mary Patterson."

We slipped out the rear of the club and into the park unobserved. The cool night air was invigorating as long as we didn't dawdle.

"So then Elizabeth Mary, no romantic attachments to speak of?" I asked as we followed one of the paths through the park. It was one of the things I was still concerned about.

"Why do you say that?"

"Apart from being nosy? Well, you came alone, you're not worried about taking me to your place, and you have no wedding band on your finger."

"Well, you're right; there is no special person in my life. Congratulations, very Sherlock Holmes." She grinned. "But it still sounded like you were fishing."

"I was I suppose." I went red.

"Any reason?" She asked mildly.

'Now or never' the inner voice said. I took a deep breath.

"Because Elizabeth Mary Patterson 'Light Up My Life' actually is your song. I wrote it for you back at school."

She stopped suddenly, a look of shock on her face. For a brief moment I wondered if I should have kept quiet, but I wanted, no, I NEEDED her to know at long last.

"You're kidding right?" She said finally.

"No." I shook my head. "I'm serious. At school I could never tell you how I felt, that was how all those ridiculous conversations came about."

"If that's the truth...?"

"It is."

"...Then why wait until now to tell me? You've been getting famous for a while now."

"I told you; at school I couldn't express my feelings for you, now I've learnt how. And I actually have something to offer you other than pipedreams."

"You're offering me fame and money? What sort of woman would that make me?" She was genuinely upset at the suggestion and I knew I'd said it all wrongly. Some things never change. "I'm not some sort of gold digger. Go to hell!" Elizabeth Mary shouted and stormed off.

"Wait! That's not what I meant at all." I called out into the now empty night, but she was gone. ' You've buggered it up again' the inner voice said quietly.

***

I was heartbroken and mortified by inability to say the right things in the right way to the woman I loved. I contemplated slipping into a world of despair but I realised that I had work to do. 'Light Up My Life' had to be got ready for release. I was going to use the live recording from the park, its debut performance. My original intention had been to leave the spoken introduction on the release but instead I edited most of it out. The producer thought it should stay. I wondered if my state of mind was clouding my judgement on the issue so we compromised and released two versions; with and with out the intro. Download sales seemed to indicate I had been wrong as the version with the intro outsold my edited version by two to one, aided no doubt by the concert footage. Still feeling sorry for myself I began to work on some new songs for another album but it became clear I needed to cheer up or I was going to end up with a totally depressing record. Then I got into a spat with the music press because I still steadfastly refused to talk about 'the light up girl'. And was getting fed up with having to find off questions about her identity. I still felt that I had to protect Elizabeth Mary; it wasn't her fault that some idiot guitarist had written a song about her.

I'd been trying for the past six months to get in touch with Elizabeth Mary so that I could apologise and try to explain what I'd really meant, but it was all to no avail. She refused to reply to any of my various attempts to contact her. I felt I had to do something and soon. My malaise was worsening and I was turning more to alcohol for relief. I recognised that was a downward spiral that I needed to avoid. To that end I decided that I must do something dramatic or inventive or both. The 'all or nothing' approach appealed greatly to me. Add in some old fashioned romancing and I might have a shot. I had found Elizabeth Mary Patterson's address (I'd tried writing to her) so I decided to go for broke. I knew there was a good chance that I was going to make a complete and utter fool of myself at best and a very real possibility I could end my career at a stroke; but Elizabeth Mary was worth chancing everything for.

I had been investing my money in property for a while now, buying buildings, fixing them up and selling them on or renting them out, so I had bought the house where Elizabeth Mary lived by the simple expedient of offering twice what it was worth. It did cross my mind to just knock on the door and introduce myself as the new landlord but that wasn't the effect I wanted to achieve. What it did mean was that in my plan the question of trespass became moot, or at least debateable.

***

It was a cold November evening when I finally put my grand scheme into action. Elizabeth Mary's front room light was on as I pulled up in a battered old van that I had borrowed, so at least she was in. A possible hiccup suddenly occurred to me: Perhaps she had a boyfriend? I shrugged it off; it wouldn't make me any bigger a pratt than I felt I was already. I pulled my old guitar and the battery-powered amp that I'd used at the start of my gigging career out of the back of the van and set them up in the front garden. It took me back to those early, simple days when I had to set up my own equipment; sometimes in rooms that were even colder than this garden! I switched the amp on and checked it was connected up properly, slightly amazed that I could recall how, and then I spoke into the microphone in the guitar.