Liv's Legacy: Anise

"You mean looking at you?"

"Mm," was all that slipped past my lips, though my head nodded as much as it was able to with my head still on the pillow.

"A while," she said softly, her voice kind of dreamy, but why I had no idea, but it sounded nice to me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Hmm, won't answer my question, but you have one of your own, huh? Well, just to show you I'm a good sport, I'll answer yours. Your face looks so peaceful. It may not have changed the way your face looks, but it changed you, made you look...ethereal, I guess is the word. Now your turn."

Thinking of what she'd said, I seemed to have paused, but I wasn't pausing, really, just savoring her words that sounded so good to me.

"During the night, I nearly woke up, maybe wondering where I was, but then fell right back to sleep. I suppose I told myself that I was safe, and felt good about it. It was a sweet feeling, I think," I said, withholding some of it, and felt some guilt.

"That's good. Glad you feel safe here."

"Me too," I said, my guilt not feeling too bad. I sensed that I was indeed falling in love with Mary, but I had to know if it was real, or if I was simply grateful for a friend that was the finest friend a person could have, especially one as needy as me.

We took care of our early morning business, including some coffee and breakfast, then it was back to the sofa with coffee, a staple we couldn't do without.

No matter what else we might talk about, it quickly came back to Liv's class. Our conversation then took off in that direction, going over much of what Mary had read to me. This time my mind went to all of the supposed animals they had, their own plus those they took from others. I had to wonder how they could all be fed, and how they could facilitate any moving they had to do. It was no longer just a matter of the Denver problem, more like a Los Angeles one since they recorded an additional 675,000 sheep taken as booty, I guess you could say. It was really boggling my mind, and I wondered that no one had looked at the logistics of the mass of people and animals.

"You know, it had to be hard for Liv to limit what she taught, there seemed to be so much more. I know that when we talked about it among ourselves that we kept finding new items to discuss," Mary said.

"Looks like one just needed a good grounding in the basics of it all, but I never could figure things out," I said.

"Liv said she had the same problem, or I assume she did, for she did tell us that she had read a lot of books by professional people who did do the research and wrote books on it that one could read easily. Even better, she gave us a bunch of titles and authors so we could help ourselves to the same research. I think we all read a book or two, and so far as I know, there seem to be no problems with the honesty with which they wrote."

"Do you still have the titles and authors list?" I asked, feeling a shot of a thrill run through my body, my mind eager to see for myself.

"Yeah, I have it. I take it you want a copy."

"Oh, you bet I do. Mary, this is still so difficult on me. I mean, my mind is programmed to what they taught me, and though I'm believing all that you say that Liv taught, and the bible and history do too, though it's a bunch and should be enough, a part of me still clings to what I believed. Yeah, believed! I'm not sure I still believe, yet somehow I fear to question it all."

"Liv said some would, but that it was up to each of us to accept the facts, or not, it was our choice."

What I told her was true—there was still that in me that thought it blasphemous to not believe, that hell was still in the offing for me, and for Joann too, and now maybe Mary whom I'd dragged into my life. The thought that I should have rejected her as I did to all the others at work hounded my mind, and yet I knew that Mary was the most sincere and honest person I'd ever met and surely God wouldn't hold her to any blame. Well, I had to go on, I couldn't stop in the middle of this raging river that wanted to consume me.

"So, where do we go now?" I asked, giving her a half-smile.

"Back to the salt mines, huh?" she grinned.

"Slave driver," I kidded her. She laughed.

"Right. Now let's see. Oh, okay.

And then the unthinkable came to light: how it was the Israelites in the Northern Kingdom, as it was said to be in the bible, that was always the real power, and the fabulous kingdom of David most likely wasn't so, and then the real biggie.

It seemed that the bible was written bit-by-bit, but for the most part by Babylonian Jews, if I heard right, and maybe some others at different times. We'd just started, and already my mind was abuzz, and working overtime to comprehend it all. I knew I was probably mixing some things up, and I would have to read it all for myself to get it straight in my mind, but mercy, I couldn't possibly not continue to try to learn.

That those still in Judah, Jerusalem mostly, I guess, didn't have any idea of any law according to one writer Liv quoted, seemed to be backed up some by the power of Ezra given to him by the Persians who'd defeated the Babylonians. I had to wonder: did the bible, rather, the Old Testament, really take shape in the time of the Babylonian exile? I was about to need an aspirin, and as Mary had said, it would get worse, and that seemed to be the case.

When we were at the time of the Maccabees, I had to stop and rest my mind. According to Liv's teachings, much of the New Testament's story was begun about that time, and not in ages long past.

"This is getting to me, there's so much, and though it all makes more than good sense, and looks like it's the truth, I'm still feeling my head fighting it all tooth and nail, but the nails are being pounded in my skull, or that's what it feels like. Break time, please?"

"Sure, hon. We do this at your pace. Can't have you wearing out," she agreed.

We both found something to drink, to occupy my hands in my case.

"I still wonder how she managed to put this all together, help or no help, research or not," I wondered, but all that wondering only added to how my head was feeling, and I told her so.

"Hey, tell you what, lay your head on my lap and be quiet. Let's work some of the kinks out of you, the mental ones that is."

Not stopping to think of it, I immediately took her up on her offer, and before I could blink my eyes, I had my cheek in her lap, and her hands were in my hair.

"Mm, that does feel good, Mary. God, what would I ever do without you?"

"Hey, hush that talk; don't even think about it, hear?" she chided me, but I could hear the smile in her voice.

I know I moaned and sighed as I took in all of the marvelous feelings from her ministrations, and I must have fallen asleep, but for how long, I didn't know.

"Oops! Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep on you. What time is it?"

"Close to eleven."

"Oh. Thanks. Uh, maybe we can go on a little more then break for lunch?" I asked hopefully.

"That sounds good. We won't be overdoing it that way, huh?"

Not overdo it? Right, and no way! Alexander's mess came up, the one his death caused, and much else. Was the book of Daniel really written then? If so, it wasn't written by Daniel if Liv was right. I asked Mary about that.

"You know what, I even saw a Catholic bible, and it said that Daniel was most likely written about that time, the time of the Maccabees, their problems, and the rise of the Zealots and Qumran. Amazing, huh?"

I thought about it, and wondered when the Catholic church admitted that. On my own, I knew that it was the Catholic church that decided what books were what they called canonical, but if so, how was Daniel a part of the Canon if it was written a couple of hundred years before Jesus' time?

Just what was this bible we had, and as I thought that, pangs of guilt hit me again, as did my worry about going to hell. Then the thought of God having ordered genocide to be committed on some towns or cities, hit me, and my head did try to explode again.

"Mary, what have they all done to us? Have they really lied as it looks that they did?" I asked, my voice telling her that I was worrying, and too much maybe.

"Yeah, hon. That's why Liv kept repeating that stuff about foundation and Zeitgeist. This has lasted for two thousand years for us, and more if you consider the Jews. Look, let's see about some lunch, huh? We both need a break, you from all of this, and me from worrying about what it might be doing to you. I can't have my best friend going to the funny farm on me when I haven't had her around long enough, can I?"

She wasn't smiling, but I knew it would come out soon, and as I did, her smile came out.

"No, and this friend doesn't want to go to the funny farm either."

We ate our lunch slowly, our talk definitely not about the bible. It felt so good to be with Mary, then I had another thought that startled me.

"Oh-oh, what is it this time?" she asked to my blushing self on being caught. "Looks naughty."

"No, it wasn't. It was a sudden and odd thought, or maybe not so odd. Anyway, it struck me that being here with you is like being with the family I never had, in a way. I mean, my mother loves me, and she sort of doted on me for some reason, but I knew I could never talk to her about many things, and I never talked to my father, but then not much of anyone did. My older sister was in her own world, and so was my brother, but then I was too, albeit a very quiet one, though you may not believe that the way I chatter with you. It's as if you're my family, Mary."

What came next was surprising, but maybe it shouldn't have been. Mary was speechless, and she seemed to be fumbling for something to say.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fluster you, but you did ask, and you know I can't keep much of anything from you," I quasi defended myself, or was it absolved myself of any blame for making her uncomfortable?

"Yeah, I guess you did fluster me. Geez, hon, what can I say? I mean, I'm flattered, and it would be... Uh, never mind," she said gruffly, and for the first time ever, I saw her blush.

My hand at my mouth trying to stifle the small laugh that wanted to come out, she looked at me as if she was going to terrorize me, but not really.

"You're so mean, making me blush. Shame on you, Anise," she said, but then laughed. My laughter came out too.

We kept on laughing as we left the table, and went to each other, and simultaneously, and quite spontaneously, hugged each other.

"Okay, fun's over, let's get back to making your head ache return," she said.

"Hmpf, now who's being mean,"I tried to act put out, but of course, I never succeeded.

"Yeah, we're both bad, huh?"

"We are," I agreed, our smiles as if one smile.

Then it began anew, and it truly was headache time again. Was it true that there was no messiah before the time of the Maccabees and Qumran? Did the phrase, The Kingdom of God—was it actually given birth there? It seemed it might be so.

"Liv said these books are author unknown, and that goes for all of them, and goodness only knows how many revisions they all underwent before they got to be as we have them. Only some of Paul's letters are thought to be authentic, but the rest, including the Gospels: author unknown.

"Remember way back when that one Jewish scholar saying that it could readily be seen that the book of Isaiah was written by at least two different people?"

"It's incredible," was all I could say, as it was becoming my standard statement.

Among other things, the big blast of the moment was Jesus and Paul both saying that the end was coming before Jesus' generation had passed away, and later Paul, or someone, saying no one knew when it would come, most likely by someone other than Paul when the end didn't come. I recalled hearing all of this, but how could I not have put it together as Liv did, or those she read did? And more, why was it never mentioned by our pastor whom everyone believed in without any doubts whatsoever, from the way I understood the congregations feelings about him.

It was all too much for me again.

"Mary, I know we haven't been at it long, but please, my mind can't wrap itself around this anymore. Can we stop now?"

"Sure, hon. Though I can't quite empathize with you on it, I know Caryn can, though not as much as you're going through it all. Paula? Well, we don't know much about the details of her life, but I bet she would empathize with you too, as they say too many others have had a time of it from previous classes by Liv. Remember me telling you about that one girl that went to her preacher, the one who then incited his congregation to where the one guy shot Liv?"

"Yes, I remember, and thank you. Mary, they had to known much of this, if not all of it, so why didn't they tell it to us? Why let us believe that it's as written?"

"Power, huh. That and warped minds, and an easy job if you get hooked up right, and an easy field to find some sexual partners. Liv mentioned one priest was way back when in the time of Galileo, and he raped scads of children, and the Vatican knew it, and then turned around and promoted him. Sex, power, and money. That seems to be it with a lot of people as it looks like it may well be at the church you went to. I'd bet that you weren't the first one they worked on, or maybe did it at other churches if not yours."

"Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, I wouldn't bet against you. Uh, can we go for a walk, and maybe eat out—my treat this time?"

"Okay, if you want to. I'm game. It's a nice day out there, so why not enjoy it, huh?"

We did enjoy it; out there I was free of it all, no worries, just sunshine and Mary who was becoming more my sunshine than the sun. We found a nice restaurant, had a good dinner, walked a lot of it off, then it was back to Mary's home.

Once back, we studiously avoided any bible talk, and I noticed it as if I had a bad scab I couldn't quit picking at—and my mind slowly but inexorably began picking at it. When it was time for our shower and bed, and we had readied our clothes for the next work day, we hopped into bed. Mary was Mary, and I was already a mess, the scab scratched wide open. Mary noticed it quickly.

"Still being bothered by some thought or other?"

"I'm sorry, but yes. This back and forth in my mind won't quit. Neither side wants to go away. And thoughts on it?" I asked, my voice sounding way too agitated.

"Hon, it seems to help you when I hold you. I meant it when I said I would any time you felt a need for it. Is this one of those times?"

"Yeah, but I hate to keep using you. You do make me feel good—safe!" I said, going into Mary's arm that awaited me, my cheek where it was more than loving to be.

Mary's breast and hands were my refuge, but from what? From me. They were my thoughts, my worries.

"Mary, any ideas to help me cope with this? Like why I keep fighting myself day in and day out over this stuff. I believe you, believe all you've said so far, so why won't the other just go away? Why keep badgering me?"

She laughed lightly, and kissed the top of my head. That was getting to be a habit with her, but one I welcomed, though I was yearning for more.

"Huh, never thought of doing anything like that. Jeez, that's a dilly, but I can give it a try.

"Yeah, go ahead, it can't hurt, and it may help, huh?"

"Yeah, maybe. Well, let's see if I can get it straight. I guess if we start at the start," she said, and laughed nervously, "it has to be when you were born. Okay, funny stuff out of the way, let's see. So, you do all the things babies do, and you learn Mommy, then your family. Okay, that's a start, huh?"

I had to laugh. "Yes, a start. Then what?"

"After that—Hmm!—Mommy, family, then...church, right?"

"That sounds right."

"You know, have you always gone to the same church, and have you ever had a different preacher?" she asked as if it all just came to her in a flash.

"Same church as far as I can remember, and I can't remember any other preacher other than Pastor Malloy. The way you asked that makes me curious. What's next?" I asked as if expecting some new insight that would solve everything for me.

"You know, there's something there. Did you have much of an outside bunch of friends or neighbors other than the church?"

I had to think on that for a minute. "Actually, no. That is, our neighbors on either side of us went to the same church, but anyway, I was pretty much of a family girl, so to speak. Being shy and quiet, my mother seemed to always be around. And friends, those were all pretty much from the church."

"Dang, girl, maybe I am onto something. From what I know, which is little enough, we're habit driven, right?"

"I think so. I'm not sure, but it sounds right."

"Okay, if you have a habit of going to church all the time like I think you've said you did, and hearing the same preacher, and your family, especially your mother and father, all accepting of what the preacher said, then all of that got drummed into your head whether you realized it or not. Well, buy the time you realized it, you'd accepted it as what should be, and probably what you believed before you even knew it. How's that? Does it still sound right, maybe?"

"Uh-huh, I think so. Go on."

"Wow! Here's where we make a jump. A humongous one," she said, excited by whatever she thought of. "A few things, I think, that if you put them together and accept them as they are, might give you the answer. At least I think it might, then again, maybe not."

"What?" I asked, her excitement transferring itself to me.

"Tell me if I have it right: everything was same-ole, same-ole, until you realized you were looking at girls, and then particularly at Joann. Is that right?"

It was right, I was sure, but I thought about it more before I answered her.

"Yeah," I said slowly, "that's how it was, how I was, that is. So?"

"What did that do to you, once you realized it?"

"Uh, made me feel guilty. Afraid that I was sinning. That I was an abomination before God."

"Okay, that's what I thought you'd say, but think about it all carefully, consider all you just said, then look back at how you were before then, and see if you can find one word to describe what you felt, what was between the you before that, and what you sensed was the you afterward."

"One word?" I asked, puzzled, and feeling trapped, confused more than anything.

"Uh-huh! One word. Try it, hon."

My confusion was growing. How could I describe it in one word? As I fumbled, and started to get flustered, it hit me. Confused! That had to be it.

"Confused?" I asked, my certainty now becoming uncertain.

"Yeah! That's what I figured. Confusion is natural, but why confused? Maybe because you weren't as you were taught you should be by your home and your church, which seemed to be the sum total of your life. Wouldn't that make you wonder?"

"Yeah, it would, I guess."

"But what to wonder about. That had to be a problem. You were taught this, but it seemed you were that instead, but at your age, and with your inexperience because of your age, it didn't, couldn't, make sense to you, so: confusion. Uh, does it look as if it may be right?" she asked, unsure.

"Yes, I see, and yes, I think you're right, but..."

"Hon, you were just starting out, and suddenly you're not what you think you are, and not what the others are, and surely not what you were led to believe you should be, so what are you? There's no way you could figure it out with all of the confusion in you, and there was no way you could figure it out in a bunch of years as you stayed the same. I mean, you were still family if you kept quiet about it all, and you did, and you still went to church and heard the preacher give you holy hell for being you, so you add church guilt, and the guilt of having secrets that might mean you'd not be accepted, and there it is."