Loren Ch. 05

"You are welcome. I enjoyed it. I hope that you will continue your exploration."

"I will. I do come to New York..."

I put my hand up to stop him. "Bob, we had a special night together but that's all it was meant to be. I really enjoyed myself, and I think you did too." I shrugged letting him know that once he left the cottage we would go our separate ways.

I sucked him off one more time, as a going away present, before he left around nine. I showered and took out the work I brought with me. For the first time in months my mind was clear and I was able to accomplish more in the few hours in this getaway cottage than I had at my desk on Madison Avenue. I packed up and left Connecticut around three-thirty. The rain slowed the drive down and it took close to four hours to make the trip. It was raining so hard I pulled over in White Plains and got something to eat hoping the rain would let up some.

*************

It was just after ten when Loren finished telling Mac about his weekend. Mac had asked for details, he just didn't know he was going to go into graphic detail.

"I want to do something tomorrow morning." Mac said before asking him anymore questions. Loren arched an eye brow and gave him a eager look before Mac shot him down with his 'That's enough' expression. "I'm going to call Liebacker, Sam and Shelby and invite them over to the apartment tomorrow morning. I want to see their expression when they find out you aren't dead."

"That's a little morose don't you think?"

"I want to be able to read their expressions. Loren we have to find out who wants you dead." It was the first time Mac had called him by his first name.

"If you think it will help." Loren said backing down.

Mac stood and walked over to the phone on the desk but before he could pick it up to dial Liebacker it rang. He answered it with his typical "Yeah."

"We are safe and sound ensconced at the lodge. The only thing we are missing is you." Standish said in his low 'I'm going to seduce you' voice.

"I'm glad..." Mac paused and looked over to Loren. "There have been some interesting developments here."

"Oh?"

Mac sat down in the chair at the desk and counted to thirty. "It's about Loren..."

"You arrested Shelby?" He asked excitedly.

"No...not yet...but ...well there is not easy way to say this...He's not dead." He finally choked out.

"WHAT?" Standish screamed over the phone.

"We suspect the dead man is Dan Redvern, apparently they looked a lot alike. He was here in the apartment when Loren left for Connecticut."

"How do you know this?"

"I'm staring at him now."

"Who?"

"Loren."

Loren walked over and took the phone from Mac's hand and said hello to Standish. Mac could only hear Loren's side of the conversation but he could tell from the way that he spoke with Standish they were extremely close. "I know..."Loren said, "I'm fine...uh huh...I promise I will...everything...yes...oh Stan please you know I won't...yes...I understand..." This one side almost one word conversation went on until Loren started crying again and was begging Standish to not cry, that everything was going to be okay.

Finally Standish put Jessie on the phone. Loren tears continued as he spoke fluent Spanish to him. Like his conversation with Standish, Loren spoke softly and with a passion that showed how much he cared for the two men. When he finally switched back to English he told him that it was important that he stayed with Mr. Abbott until this mess was over with and that he was to not to worry about anything that Mr. Mac was going to take good care of him.

Mac found himself even more attracted to this gentler, not so arrogant Loren.

He hung the phone up, wiping the last of the tears from his face and looked at his desk. "I'm a lucky to man to have those two in my life...you can take away all the bullshit and all the fucking around I do as long I have them. That's all I really care about...." He looked over the desk and saw all his private papers lying in stacks. "You read my personal correspondences?"

"I'm sorry...it was part of the investigation. But it was only me. No one else saw any of this and Jessie stood up for you with blazing eyes when read me the riot act over invading your privacy."

Loren smiled. "That little man packs a powerful punch."

Loren ran his fingers over the letters. "Each and every one of these men confuses sex for love." He mumbled. "They all say they love me when what they want to do is possess me." Loren picked up the stack from Shelby and started towards the fireplace. As much as Mac wanted to stop him he knew that Loren needed to do it. They both stood by the fireplace and watched the letters burn. "I need to ask you one question about these letters." Mac said not wanting to take anything away from Loren's mood. Loren shook his head to ask. "Who wrote these?" Mac held a stack that was all written on the fancy linen paper with a fountain pen.

"Waldo...why?"

"The last letter, the one that came in Friday's mail was very desperate, almost to the point of being unbalanced."

"Waldo? Unbalanced?" He burst out laughing. "Waldo is the most contained man I ever met. I've never seen him show any extreme emotion. He's never laughed so hard he's cried, he's never been so angry that he tried to put a fist through a wall and I've never seen him cry, even when we split up. He attitude was 'it's only proper to be civilized when a relationship ends'."

"He told me you still went to his bed."

"Jealous Detective?" Loren asked dryly.

"No..." but in reality he was, "I'm trying to find out who wanted you dead in such a hideous manner. If Waldo lied to me about that, I have to wonder what else he might have lied about."

"No. He didn't lie. Although I haven't been with him since I started with Shelby. Whenever I was between men Waldo made himself available to me. He hasn't had a long term relationship since I left him. Sometimes at our group gatherings I oblige him a quickie. As much as he hated Shelby, Shelby hated him more and when I was angry with Shelby I would...well you can imagine what I'd do."

Mac wasn't a game playing, but he also never ran in the same circles these men did.

"In his last letter he said he would do the things you wanted to do if you would go back to him...can you tell me what that was?"

"I wanted to top Waldo. After all the years I spent with him I wanted him to experience the glorious feeling of having a man make love to him. But he wouldn't do it. He refused. He refused to even let me touch his ass...he thought that if he finally gave in to that I'd take him back...but I would have never done that. My life with Waldo was totally finished -- he just couldn't accept it."

"I haven't asked you...of all the men you've been with if you had to think of one that would do something like this who comes to mind right away." Loren's eyes opened widely. He didn't have an answer for Mac.

"Is it all possible that whoever did this was actually after Dan? I mean maybe he told Shelby he couldn't see him anymore and Shelby got angry?"

Mac simply shook his head. Mac looked up at the clock and knew he needed to make the phone calls before it got too late. Loren excused himself and went to his room while Mac called everyone. When he was done he walked back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. His glass of scotch was empty but he lacked the strength to get up and pour himself some more. He was on an emotional roller coaster and it was draining him.

The cop in him needed to be grounded to be able to solve this case and keep Loren safe at the same time. But the man in him needed more. He'd always been able to suppress his desires but being around these men had shown him that he needed someone in his life. He desired three men and all for different reasons. Standish because of the carnal attraction he felt towards him, Jessie because he loved how he made him feel the night before. He loved holding him his arms all night long and he felt the boy's need and he filled it. But most of all he knew he was falling, and falling hard for Loren. When he took away all the conceit and ego, he was a compassionate, loving man. It took every ounce of strength to not take him in his arms when he was on the phone with Standish and Jessie moments earlier. He looked up and saw Loren walking back into the room. He had showered and was dressed in silk pajamas with a matching bathrobe -- a matching set to the ones Liebacker had worn the first night he met him.

"Are you going to stay the night?" He asked. Mac nodded that he was. "You can sleep with me if you'd like."

"I appreciate the offer, but I think it's best if I stay out here."

Loren walked over and sat in the chair.

"I hate sleeping alone. It's the loneliest part of my day." Mac looked at Loren and saw that underneath everything they were so much alike. "When I was on the phone with Standish he told me to behave myself with you that you aren't like most other men."

"Over the last twenty-four hours that I'm known Standish I have come to believe that he might know me better than I know myself."

"He is a unique man. People have asked me if I was in love with Waldo and I always say the same thing -- my time with Waldo was wonderful, but it is over. Love wasn't a part of the equation."

He was staring at Mac who suddenly couldn't seem to be able to look him in his eyes. "Standish gave me hope. He showed me that men can love each other and not just use each other for sex. I've loved him more than I've loved any man in my life."

"He told me he loved you also."

"At one time I would have given up everything to have a life with Stan."

"But?"

"Standish loves men, but Standish loves being a straight man more and that adds a layer of confusion to any relationship he enters into."

"Where you in love with him or do you love him?" Mac asked.

"I know I love him. When we were together...he makes me feel so...so...wanted. Standish doesn't fuck men, he makes love to them. I've never been in love before so I'm not sure. I just care about him so much that it scares me to not have him in my life." Mac could see that Loren was just as confused about love as he was.

"The men that are in love with you, you make them feel so special. You find out what that like and you give that to them." Leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees his hands together almost like he was praying Mac stared at Loren. "Standish loves the art of seduction. He enjoys you because you bring something to him that some other man doesn't. Maybe it's the way you touch him, or the how he feels when he's deep inside of you. He also loves the friendship you have afforded him all these years and was so remorseful when he thought you were dead. But...Standish is a married man that I have no doubt loves his wife and his family and he won't give that up for you or me or all the Jessie's of the world." As Mac said those words he realized that saying them out loud was letting him know also that he could love Standish, but he'd never be in love with him.

"You were in love with someone like that?" Loren asked.

Mac shook his head. "No, I have never been in love. Over the years I've had two somewhat long term relationships and I cared for the men but only because they filled and satisfied the physical needs I had. But I've never had an emotional connection to a man before..."

"Before? Who? Standish?"

Mac stood and walked over to the fire. "I admit fully that I am overly attracted to Standish." Mac could still close his eyes and feel the searing kiss they shared earlier in the day. "But...I know that it's just a physical attraction."

"That you won't act on?"

"Most likely not."

"It's a shame, because Standish is the best lover you'll ever have...with the exception of me that is."

"I know" I whispered. "It's funny Mac, I just said that to you -- because that's what I always say to men and yet at this moment I don't want to make love to you. For the first time in my life I want to simply get to know you. I normally bed a man I meet, and am attracted to, immediately. I always thought 'why waste time', fuck them and enjoy myself."

He stood and walked over to the fireplace next to Mac. "An hour ago I would have been seducing you and taking you to my room -- not my bed, but to my fuck-room. But I no longer want that. Now I want to get to know the man that is so scared to love that he's willing to hide himself away from the world. Get to know me Mac, please...let me know you too...don't hide away from me."

Silently Mac nodded his head.

They talked for hours before Loren said goodnight and headed to bed. Mac stretched out on the couch and looked at the portrait smiling as he fell asleep.