Loss to Love Ch. 09

I squinted as I opened my eyes, the light coming in from the window blinding me. I rolled over, turning away from the window, coming face to face with Nick. I yawned once, rubbing my eyes. I observed Nick in his blissful sleep, the look of pure peace on his face something I could not help but smile at. Last night was just amazing, the high of it all and the feel of cuddling with Nick after, both so different from each other, yet combined to formed one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

I brought my hand up, pushing away a strand of hair that fell onto his face. My finger lightly grazed against his forehead, making Nick shift slightly in his sleep, but otherwise kept his eyes shut. "Morning." Nick mumbled, just barely decipherable.

"Morning. I didn't mean to wake you." I apologized.

"I need to get ready for the wedding." Nick slurred, again his mumbled speech almost totally garbled, me just barely being able to make out his words. However, making out what he said was one thing, but he wasn't even making sense. What wedding?

"Nick what are you..." I was cut off halfway when Nick continued, seemingly oblivious to my words.

"Yeah I'll meet you there." He mumbled, not moving a single muscle. It then hit me, the slurred sentences and weird contexts. Nick was sleep talking. I chuckled as Nick made some weird hums. This was something I didn't know and I just added that to the list of things that made Nick so cute. "I love you Drew."

At those words, all sense of humor left me. Those words were as clear as day, no way that I could have misheard them. Nick just said he loved me. Yeah sure it was in a dream but weren't dreams part of your subconscious.

I have made it no secret, especially to Dean about my disdain for couples who use the word 'love' so lightly. It was a firm belief of mine that love was more than any teen crush, more than some cute relationship you shared with your partner. Love was so much more than that. Love was not needing anything other than each other, how when you're apart you don't feel complete. Love was giving a part of yourself to someone and taking in a part of them.

I thought about all this. Did I love Nick? The answer was a simple and resounding, yes, more than I have ever felt about anyone. It scared me to know that I could so confidently say it, that it needed no second thought.

What did this mean though? Could I afford loving Nick? I thought about all the people in this world that I could honestly say I loved, my mom, Dean and my dad, before he went all cold shoulder. Of all these people, there was one thing in common with them all, and that similarity terrified me.

All of them left me. My mom died, best friend moved away and dad pretended I didn't exist. Everyone I ever loved always somehow left me.

I looked to Nick wondering if he would fall into the same mould. My worst fear would be that he would die on me, gone from the world like my mother. I don't think I would be able to bounce back from it like I did the last time. Imagining a world where Nick was no longer a part of filled me with insane amounts of dread. I wouldn't be able to take it if that happened; I would give up on life. And the worst part was, I know the feeling would only build the longer I stayed with Nick.

Fear overrode every other emotion. I wouldn't, couldn't let that happen. I got out of bed, grabbing my stuff and putting on my clothes. I looked back at Nick, still sound asleep in his bed. I hated leaving when Nick was still asleep, waking up to find that I wasn't there, but I knew I had to do this. I shook my head, exiting his room and making my way home.

I kept telling myself it was for the best, thinking about all the ways that splitting up with Nick was going to benefit me. I knew otherwise though. I was happy with Nick and being away from him would be more difficult than staying, but I was scared. Scared that I'd have to say goodbye to Nick.

I got into my room, crashing down onto the bed. The same question raced through my mind, over and over like a broken record. Could I break up with Nick, before I got too emotionally attached? Before I lost him.

I was torn, conflicted between happiness and fear.

Then there was my father, the only family I had left. I didn't want to leave my relationship with him broken as it was. I wanted to mend it but the only way to do that was to give up being gay. Pretend to be someone I'm not. Straight. The two sides of me fought within my head, thinking about reasons to justify my action, whether to break up or not.

My heart told me to fuck it all and stay with Nick, telling me to not to be pessimistic about our future. Everyone had to go at some point and if Nick does, I had to take it as another stepping stone in life. My brain however couldn't fathom carrying on if Nick wasn't alive, after I've given him a part of me, which I knew would happen if I stayed. I lay in bed for close to an hour, waging an internal war with my emotions, before a text stirred me from my thoughts.

"Hey where did you go? Woke up and you were gone." Nick's text read.

I started to type a reply. 'Nick, I think it's best if we took a break from each other.' I looked back at the message I wrote, hovering my finger over the send button, unsure if I had it in me to push send. I sighed, moving my finger to the backspace, deleting the message I wrote. 'Yeah I needed to go back home. I'll see you later today? Maybe we could go grab some lunch.' I read over the new text, still unsure of how I was going to continue with this and once again I deleted the message.

"Sorry. I needed to go somewhere." I replied, sending the neutral response.

"Oh sure. So you wanna grab some lunch later?" Nick replied.

"No man, I'm sorry. I can't make it tomorrow either. I'll see you on Monday?" I replied, giving myself ample time and space away from Nick to sort out my feelings.

"Oh. Okay then. See ya then, I'll miss you." I could tell by his text that he was disappointed. I wanted to reply with an 'I'll miss you too' but decided against it. If I were to break up with Nick, I shouldn't be raising his hopes any higher.

I dropped my phone onto my bed, covering my eyes with my hand. How was I going to do this? I lay in bed the entire day, forgoing lunch. I had too much on my mind to be hungry. I took a shower and one point, the warm cascade of water felt good on my skin but did nothing for my aching heart, except making me realize how fucked up having emotions were.

By the time evening came round I was no closer to a decision. A knock on my door reverberated through my silent room, making me realize how quiet the day had been for me. "Drew, there's Chinese takeout in the kitchen." My dad said. I was surprised, not him buying food for me but telling me that there was some in the kitchen. Usually whenever he bought me anything, I would stumble into the kitchen and realize it for myself. Never would he have told me personally, anything to prevent him from speaking a word to me.

I didn't need to reply, hearing his footsteps trudge down the stairs. I felt my stomach growl, the hunger finally catching up with the lack of food. I pulled myself out of bed and slowly made my way downstairs.

As usual my dad sat at the living room, watching TV as he ate his dinner. I walked to the kitchen, grabbing a box of take out. I contemplated sitting alone in the kitchen, but remembering my dad's unusual behavior of inviting me got me more brazen. I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and my food, carrying them to the living room. I looked over at my dad seated in his recliner, holding a Chinese takeout box in one hand, the other guiding noodles into his mouth with his chopsticks. I lowered myself down onto the couch next to him, without so much as saying a word.

At first he seemed surprised that I was joining him, believe me so was I, but eventually we settled into a comfortable silence, watching television. Just sitting there, even not talking, felt like I was in a family again, something I hadn't felt in so long.

When I was done with my food, I laid the empty box on the table. "The food was good, thanks dad." I muttered.

"So have you thought about it?" He asked. I knew he was asking about his proposition about me being straight. Yesterday I would have straight up said no, but today was different. I had a taste of what being a family again would be like. I had thoughts about ending it with Nick. My mindset was changed in the course of a few hours.

"Still thinking." I said, getting up and clearing our trash before heading straight to my room.

I picked up my phone, searching for Dean's number in my contacts, hitting the dial button. It rang a couple of times before he answered' "Hello."

"Hey Dean."

"What up man?" Dean asked.

"Nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing lover boy. What? Boy troubles with Nick?" Dean said. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice.

"I guess you could say that. I'm thinking if I should break up with him."

"What?! What did he do? Did he cheat on you?"

"No, that's the problem, he didn't do anything wrong." I said, running my hand through my hair.

"Then why do you want to break up with him? What, he has some weird quality that you don't like?"

"No, he's about as perfect as they come."

"You know you've got to give me more here man. It sounds like you're torn between breaking up with him or swooning over him."

"That's because I am dickhead." I shouted, exasperated.

"Well if your gonna be that way, I'll talk to you some other time." Dean said.

"Wait wait, I'm sorry. It just...I'm so lost man. I'm scared."

"Of?"

"He told me he loves me today. Mind you he didn't say it while fully conscious but in a dream, but still. I'm going paranoid over here because I don't know what to do and..." I was cut off when Dean interrupted me.

"Wait wait hold up here. So he told you he loves you, so do you love him?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the problem? You're scared he doesn't mean it, you know your weird thing about people who use love so loosely?" Dean asked.

"No I think he meant it."

"So..."

"I'm scared to lose him man. I'm scared to love him. Everyone I ever loved has disappeared from my life. My mom, my dad, you."

"Hey hey, relax. I'm. Still. Here. I've not disappeared Drew. Yeah sure I'm halfway across the country but I'm still here. Don't forget that."

"What if he dies man? I won't be able to take it. I can't have him leave me like that." I said, on the verge of tears.

"Does this have something to do with your mom?" I didn't answer, sniffing once through the phone. "Drew, there are some things in life you cannot control. Death is one of them. If a person goes, he goes. But now you're telling me that you are gonna give up a happy life just because you're scared he will die? That's just stupid."

"I can't." I choked out.

"Seriously man, you won't know how to be happy if you don't try. I can't tell you if you guys will be together for fifty years or one year, but can you live with yourself if you gave up fifty happy years for the fear that you would only spend one. Think about it man. Don't give up on this. I gotta go. I'll talk to you soon." Dean said, hanging up.

It was all so much to take in, so much so that I no longer knew what I wanted anymore. I was mentally drained; the day of constant emotional turmoil had left me exhausted. I lay on my bed closing my eyes, tired of thinking so much. I just needed to sleep, and so I did.

It was around 3am that I jerked awake from my sleep, my forehead covered in a sheen of sweat. My eyes stung from the tears that had flowed. I had never cried in my sleep before, never had a dream that was so intense, so real.

Dreaming about my mom was something I hadn't had before either, even when she just passed. Seeing her in my dream just made me realize how much I missed her and, no matter how much I wanted it to, she wasn't coming back.

But the thing that was most horrifying in the dream was seeing Nick, but it wasn't Nick I was looking at. It was not the bubbly and sweet boy I had grown to love. It was nothing more than a corpse, lying lifeless on the floor, blood pooling around his cold body. I bawled at the sight, unable to contain my heart wrench. Waking up was a relief, to realize that it was all a dream.

But I guess it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. One that I was terrified was going to happen in real life. It was this nightmare that cleared my head, made me know what I had to do. I had to break up with Nick, before it was too late.

Sunday was spent planning how I was going to break the news to Nick. There were no more contemplation, no more indecision. The nightmare set everything into perspective for me. I loved Nick but I will not stay around to see it when he got hurt. What Dean said the previous day made sense but I just can't bring myself to go through with it.

Then there was my dad. I thought I had given up on him long ago, but now I'm scrambling to get into his good books again. After not speaking for so long, suddenly having him at least showing me he cared enough has me craving for more. Once again I remembered Nick's coming out to his dad, how they somehow managed to salvage the strained relationship they once shared. I wanted that too.

Monday came, the day that I would execute whatever I had planned to say the previous day. The day I broke up with Nick. I had texted Nick, asking him to meet me at school early. Him, having no suspicions of my plans had agreed willingly. So I sat at the bleachers at school, facing the empty field in front of me waiting for Nick. A slight mist rolled over the grass, giving an almost mystical look to the otherwise ordinary football field.

"Hey." I heard from my left. I turned and saw Nick walking up to me, a huge grin plastered on his face. I sighed at that look; little did he know I was about to wipe that grin off his face. I didn't want to spoil his entire day but I had to get this over with.

"Hey." I replied, turning my face back to the front.

"I missed you." He said taking a seat next to me. He went to grab my hand that sat on my knee, but I pulled away before he had the chance. He couldn't seem to tell that it was deliberate when he moved to place a kiss on my cheek.

Putting my hand up, I stopped his advancing lips, denying him the kiss he wanted. "We need to talk Nick."

The look on Nick's face became instantly serious. "Is something wrong?" He asked.

"Yes Nick, a lot is wrong." I said. Everything that I had planned to say instantly vanished from my mind, going blank.

"You can tell me." He said, care lacing his voice. I took a deep breath; I had to stop the charade before he said anymore. The more I heard his sweet voice, the more I felt my resolve disappearing. I needed to get this done before I changed my mind again.

"I'm breaking up with you Nick." I said. Nick was silent for a moment. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me in disbelief.

"What?" He asked, clearly not understanding the whole situation.

"I'm breaking up with you." I repeated, still not looking at his face.

"Yeah I heard you, but...did I do something wrong?" I screamed no in my head, his dejected voice making me rethink what I had just done, but done it I had and there was no turning back now.

"Yes. You can drop the act now okay. I've had sex with you already. You won. You can stop the charade." Did I believe for one second that Nick would dump me once he got sex? Not one bit, but I knew Nick wasn't going to give up so easily if I didn't hurt him a little.

"What? I'm not bluffing Drew. What's wrong with you? You think I was going to dump you after sex? Seriously where did you even get such an idea?"

"Seriously Nick, I know I was some prize you lusted over for three years. You took your chance when I was down and broken when my mom died. Now that you've won, you'll go on to the next person." I said, feeling sick at my own words. Nick wasn't that kind of person and speaking about him in such a way didn't feel right. However, instead of Nick expression morphing into anger, it softened.

"You don't believe that. I can tell. It's something else that you're not telling me." Nick said, seeing past my lies. "C'mon Drew, whatever it is, we can work through it. I'm not gonna give up on you like this."

"Just let me be Nick. I have my reasons and I don't have to explain it to you. Just leave me." I said, burying my face in my palms.

"I won't. I can't. Drew I cannot give up on you okay, even if I wanted to. I can't give up on you because...I love you." He said. There it was, out in the open. This time it wasn't a dream, he said it, fully conscious and sober. "And I know you love me too. Is this what all this is about? You're scared?" It's scary how he could read me like that, but I couldn't let my guard down now, couldn't let him get past my defenses. I had made my decision.

"I said I don't have to explain anything to you Nick. We're through okay, just leave me." I said.

"I will, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me. Do that, and I will leave." Nick said. If I wanted him to go, I had to do this. I lifted my head from my hands, turning to look at Nick. It was a simple lie, 'I don't love you'. Just words to utter, but looking at his brown eyes, my mouth kept shut. I couldn't say those words. "See, you can't. So stop pushing me away."

This was it; I had one last shot. One last attempt to save me from the horrors that plagued my nightmares; I had to bring out the big guns. Hit him where it really hurts; A shot below the belt. I had to use his weakness against him, his guilt. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it was the only thing powerful enough to make him leave.

"I want you to leave because every time I look at you, I think about how lucky you are. I think about how unfair life is that a person, who has already got it all, has a supportive mom, a father who you can talk to and friends who accept you for who you are. Every time I look at you, I get reminded about how I lost my mother, my best friend and to have a father who isn't proud of you. I get reminded that he's the only family I have left and yet I can't even look him in the eye without feeling like I failed him.

"But most of all, every time I look at you, I remember the guy who pushed me into lockers for the heck of it. I remember the face of my tormentor who plagued my every waking moment. I remember the person who made me feel like I'm worthless. That's why I can't be with you." I said, a tear falling down my cheek.

I wasn't crying because of the words I said. I was crying because I had to lie so much, make up stuff that made my insides twist with remorse, hurt Nick beyond belief just to get the man that I loved to let me go. He didn't make me feel worthless, he made me realize what it was like to be loved so much that the idea of a life with him gone was something I couldn't handle.

Nick didn't move, staring out into the field, looking like a lost child. That was it; he has given up. Put aside his wants to make sure I wouldn't be hurt by being with him. I got up, shaking the tears from my eyes before running off, leaving Nick alone on the bleachers. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, out to the parking lot.

I needed to get away from school, away from Nick. I couldn't attend classes in the current state I was in. I got into little red, turning on the engine and driving away, heading home as fast as I could. As I screech to a halt in front of my house, I dropped my head down onto the steering wheel, letting the tears flow out without resisting. I knew I had to do that but still it hurt me to do it.

I cried for a good ten minutes, listening to the soft rumble of thunder in the distance. The pitter-patter of rain hitting the windscreen provided a somewhat calming effect, helping me regain my composure. I saw my dad's jeep in the driveway, having not left for work yet. I got out of the truck, trudging through the rain to my front door. I didn't rush, the cold water feeling good against my face, like feeling tiny caresses on my skin.