Love as a Form of Binding Ch. 05

Have you ever just known exactly what it is that you want? Even if there's a huge unknown tied to it? Toby does.

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Toby woke slowly. He felt the presence of her near him, felt her warmth there. He tried to memorize everything about her that he could see and feel just in case, he told himself. He didn't know what would happen, but nothing like this had ever happened to him before, and the closest things to this that he could remember had never lasted for long. He watched her breathe and wondered about that. If she was a demon, why would she need to breathe? The answer wasn't terribly important to him, but if he remembered, he would ask her about it.

He reached to touch her red hair. He'd never had a thing for redheads, he realized, but then he'd never liked half of the vegetables that he now enjoyed. People change, he thought, and anyway, on her, it was perfect. He supposed that if he asked it of her, she'd make herself blonde or whatever he asked for, but he couldn't get past how he felt to have seen her as she was here since it was her.

He lightly touched her skin and traced a tattoo with his finger, wondering which ones were the ones that she'd put there, and which were the brands. He remembered that the brands were on her front, so he examined these for a minute. He couldn't understand them if what he was looking at was any type of lettering -- he couldn't even tell that much about them. But he knew how he felt about her and if she'd put these on herself ... , well then they were worth a look to him.

She was so lovely to him. Toby considered that he might be called a romantic -- if there were somebody who could see that quality in him and get past his bone-dry pragmatism. Maybe that was what he was, he thought, a romantic pragma... He gave it up. The plain and simple fact was that he loved Maezou and her beauty was almost enough to make him want to cry.

He reluctantly decided that it was time to get up, and began to move. He managed to get out of bed without waking her and considered it a bit of a feat. He carefully replaced the covers, and walked into the bathroom grinning. The power was back on, so he tested the hot water and then had a quick shower.

Something felt a little different as he toweled off, but he couldn't place it and wiped the mirror to shave. He normally didn't bother with shaving when he was on vacation, but ... He grinned when he the thought came to him that for her, he'd shave every hour if she asked it of him.

He looked at himself in the foggy mirror, "What did she see in you?" he asked himself, before deciding that if she had been correct, then he had saved her life. He supposed that she was just being thankful. He found himself desperately hoping that there was more to it than that.

Halfway through the shave, he stopped as he stared at himself again through the uncertainty of the half-fogged surface. He was sure there was something different today. What was it? He finished his shave, and then went to the kitchen to make some coffee. As he stood looking at the snow, he felt unsure of something, and went back to the mirror. He looked, and was still baffled for a minute, and then he thought he saw it. He looked a little younger, maybe. He chuckled as he went to pour the hot water into the mug, he'd had a great time just being with Maezou last night, he told himself. He reasoned that there was likely nothing different about him, other than how he felt, and that was good enough for him. He had the cup done in ten minutes, as he listened to the radio drone on at a low volume about the record-breaking storm that showed no sign of easing up any time soon, and then he was into the garage to fire up the snow blower.

She woke alone, though she smelled something that she eventually guessed was food of some kind. Sitting up, she looked at the window and the snow piled along the edges of it. She got out of the bed to look out the window. She could see that Toby had done something to the snow at the front of the house. A lot of it had been neatly removed, though with the continuing snowfall and the wind, it was accumulating there again. She heard a gasp, and turned to see him standing in the doorway.

Toby stared at her. In the light of day, she was ... well she was heavenly, if it could be said of a demon. Her dusty-looking skin matched nicely with her red hair, and her red and black tattoos. He loved her shape. She wasn't at all tall, but her legs looked to be just short of two and a half blocks long. That thin tail hung from just above her pretty backside, twitching and curling along one of her ankles as she looked back at him with a smile. Her lips were very close to the colour of her skin.

He smiled back, "Have I told you that you're beautiful?"

Maezou grinned, feeling happy that he seemed to be so pleased with her appearance, "I think I heard you mumbling something about it in your sleep last night." She looked at his clothes, thinking that she'd need to copy something like that soon. He wore jeans, a flannel work shirt and ... "What do you wear under your shirt?" she asked.

"A long-sleeved undershirt," he said, "I've been out clearing some snow. I started out with just the shirt under my jacket, but the wind is awful cold today so I had to re-think things. You sound different today."

She shrugged, "I'm not doing anything but talking. I guess I'm trying to fit in a little. You're not offended are you? I could try to go back to how I sounded before,"

He shook his head, "No. You just do what you do, but just so you know, the Maezou that I really like is you just like this."

He was holding a board awkwardly. "Sorry, I haven't got a real tray, but this ought to work. Get back into bed, and I'll serve you your breakfast. The power's back on, and I took advantage of it to make this before it goes out again."

Maezou stepped back to get into the bed, "What do I do here?"

He smirked, "Mostly, you try not to spill stuff. I made you some coffee. I've added milk, but that's all. If you think you'd like it sweeter, just tell me, and I'll add some sugar until you like it."

Toby noticed that she really didn't have much of a clue about eating utensils, though she caught on quickly once she's watched him. Sadly, "eggs over easy" didn't lend itself well for a learner's first try holding a fork in those claws of hers. Before she could feel badly, he fed her bacon and eggs by the forkful mostly, and they enjoyed it. She insisted that he have some too and wouldn't hear anything about his having already eaten. When they neared the end, she stopped him.

"Wait for a little bit here," she said, "I was thinking about last night. Let me tell you what you need to know, and then you tell me your decision. I'll accept whatever you decide, and I want to tell you right now that you have my friendship whatever you decide."

He nodded, looking both curious and a little afraid to hear this.

"Listen now," she said. "You said to me last night that you would like it if we were a couple. Do you still feel that way? Do you really want for us to be together, even though it will be strange and embarrassing for us both? We only met last night, Toby, but I made my own decision. There is a way. It took me a long time and I thought of one way for us, but it would be a terrible mistake if this is only attraction that you have for me. This is really serious, Toby. I need to know."

He smiled a little shyly, "I thought about that when I got up. Maezou, I've been alone a long time. I just got used to it, I guess. Look at me. I've done everything right. I live a good life, but I have no one. No woman in my life, no kids. Nobody to love, and nobody to love me. My life is totally and completely empty, and there's no point or purpose to it. I figure I've got maybe twenty-five to thirty-five years more of this before I die and this non-life ends. In even less time, I'll probably be too empty-headed to even care."

He looked away, "The truth is, that I've sometimes considered just ending it. I'm sick of this desert that I'm in here. I've tried very hard, but I can't seem to change it. But I've been having such a great time with you, and yeah, I'm pretty much walking on air right now and hoping that it just goes on. Maybe I just don't get out enough, but I want to tell you, yes. I do want to be with you. I know it'll be strange, but I don't care. I already accept you - all of you right now, don't I? I don't know how it's going to work, but I want to try. I -- I love you already, Maezou."

Toby considered what he'd just said and thought that, aside from the urgency that he'd given it unintentionally - and that had surprised him -- that it was how he felt, given that he wasn't one to get flowery. It was the vehemence of it that caught him off-guard.

Ok, he thought, I'm crazy about her.

Maezou realized with a shock that he was being truthful about ending his life. Maybe that was one of the reasons that he hadn't been afraid of her. It didn't matter, she thought. It didn't change anything about the way that she felt for him, but she decided that even if they remained only friends, she was going to make sure that he never felt that way again if she could help it. She just didn't know how to do it if this went the wrong way.

She smiled warmly, "I already love you too, Toby. I decided that for myself last night in your arms." she said. "But you have to understand some things. You have to be able to tell me if you are prepared to do this forever. Toby, I'm pretty old. I've been around a long time. If we do this, you're going to be around for a long time too. Because there's only one way that I can think of for us to do this and it will tie our lives together then -- and not just in words. Are you still interested?"

She was impressed. He told her yes right away -- with no hesitation. She tilted her head, wondering.

She remembered her mother's words and wondered how she'd ever get him to fully understand, never mind agree. She was certain that he'd need to think it over at least. "Think Toby," she said, "I could just fly away from your words here in my joy, but you must see that everything will change for you. You may have to leave your whole life behind for this. I think that you will have to do that sometime as a certainty. I don't know where we will go yet. I don't know how we will live yet -- I don't know anything, Toby, and if it works it will be for a long time. For us it may as well be forever. I do not think that there is a way back."

He looked down and ran his hand through his hair before looking up at her, "Look, I don't know if you can understand this. We've both admitted how we feel here. I'm thrilled that you said you love me too. I'm really happy to hear that from you. I don't know if you can imagine how I feel." He looked up and smiled at her for a moment. "I do know some things about the other choice, and here's the way that I look at it." He leaned forward a little.

"If I were here with the kind of girls that I've known, there's no way that I'd agree because I've been near a road like that before, and I've lost every single time. Because it's you and what you are, if I refuse -- even out of cautiousness, I know I'll hate myself for missing the most wonderful chance. I've been there and done that as well, but never like this, Maezou. And for what? More of life in my desert? Since I picked you up out of the snow, I've felt more alive than I can ever remember feeling. If this is my one shot at happiness for us together, I'm going to grab it with both hands, Maezou."

She grinned and nodded at him, "That is what I would have said. Since I saw you, I've felt so alive, and I mean after I knew about my soul. And while we lay here and after, while you slept, I've felt happiness. Happiness, Toby. It's madness. I'm a demon, how can I feel so happy? The best that I could ever manage was to be pleased if something went my way. So I think I do understand you."

Maezou drew a breath and then just did her best. If he refused, she thought, then at least she'd tried. "Toby, I understand your words. But I must tell you that this is not just a decision to live through changes in your life. To do this, you would need to be prepared to maybe take a great risk to your life as well. I cannot say because I have never done this, or seen it done before. All that I know is that there is one way and there is a risk to you. What about now? How do you feel about it now, Toby?"

Toby was silent and Maezou waited for him to choose the words of his refusal. She was determined not to allow herself to read his feelings or his thoughts. She noticed that the sky had darkened somewhat and she assumed that her mother was preparing to lay on more weather to hide what might happen here very soon on the off-chance that he did still want this. Maezou noticed a thick scented candle on his bureau. She'd always like the scent of cranberries and Toby found himself distracted for a moment as the candle appeared to light itself.

He looked down at the last bits of her breakfast and decided that he needed to expand the variety of his cooking. Somewhere in the middle of that, he made up his mind that his truck would need an oil change soon. He thought about the long hours of overtime that he'd worked and the careful way that he'd lived in order to be able to grow his money to the point where he'd been able to buy this place for himself. As he thought about his empty existence here, the same question came to him that had bothered him whenever he'd looked back over his life. What had it all been for?

His eyes drifted to one of her feet that he could see sticking out of the covers and he decided again that he liked them. If she'd have understood it and not taken offense, he'd have teased her very gently and called them rabbit's feet since they were just a touch large for her compared to a human woman of her stature. But she'd likely never understand, he decided, and it wasn't worth the risk to her feelings.

It crossed his mind that he'd pay money to see her in a bikini -- chain mail or otherwise - on a beach somewhere and that was after seeing her looking over her shoulder at him as she'd done minutes ago without a stitch on. Her tail was there as well, and for once, it was still, though the tip twitched a bit now and then. Toby knew where they were in this. This was the part where she insisted that he consider what she'd said and the implications of it. He sighed.

Looking up, he saw her face and knew in an instant that somewhere inside her, Maezou was scared to death. He didn't really understand the things that she'd told him about the way that she'd lived, but he'd gathered that a feeling like this wasn't an everyday thing for somebody like her. Even so, from what she'd said, a feeling like that would have been for her life. This was a fear that concerned her heart. He needed no rule of thumb to be able to draw this conclusion.

He wondered how long she wanted him to consider for because this was killing him.

Toby remembered his thought from the night before about wondering how one cares for a demon. He still had no idea, but he reached for her and his hand curled behind her ear lightly as his thumb stroked her cheek. Her eyes were welling up, he noticed, and he guessed that he'd waited too long pretending to consider something that to him had been more like a reflex and hadn't needed more than a thought to decide.

He decided that he had no wish to see sad tears on that face and though he had no idea about taking care of a demon, he resolved to learn what he could on the subject. He smiled at her, "Next week or ten years from now, I could get hit by a bus or have a heart attack. I could die at any instant anyway for any of a hundred reasons. No life comes with a guarantee, Maezou. Most of us forget that. Until I saw you, the only sure thing that I could foresee was that there won't be a single person anywhere who would care when I die. I'm not all that bright, but I am tired of my life as it was before I met you. Even though we were limited in what we could do together last night, I've never felt loved like that -- or like this right now. The way that I see this is that I have a chance to either die, or die loving you somewhere very far down the road."

He reached out his other hand and brushed away the tears that had just rolled down her cheeks. "I don't usually gamble," he said as his smile turned warm in her gaze, "but for what I feel for you," he nodded once, "I'm more than willing to roll the dice, Maezou."

She had no words to answer with.

Something told her that she ought to argue some point or other here, but there wasn't a thing that she could say in rebuttal to what he'd just told her. Maezou's tears ran and something in her chest twisted hard enough to hurt. She looked toward the window, blinking furiously, but it did her no good. She opened her mouth and nothing came for a moment, until she shook her head in a bit of frustration and hid her face in her hands with a sob. Toby heard a phrase escape her, though it was muffled. Even so, it was in some demonic language, he guessed, and so it was beyond him.

"Maezou, what did you say?"

She sobbed, "I'm sorry, I spoke in my own tongue. How can I wipe my tears and my nose?"

Toby leaned past her and came back with a box of tissue. He drew several out and placed them against her hands. "Maybe I'll have to learn that," he said to himself, mostly, "I'd never guess that what you said means that."

Maezou chuckled as she wiped her face, "No, Toby. I said something that I didn't want to search for the words about. I know them now." She looked at him, "I said 'until the stars fall'."

He didn't get it. "What uh, stars?"

Maezou smiled in her teary way and her tail wrapped itself around his wrist as she kissed his hands, "All of them, Toby. I want this with you until the stars fall."

It took her a few minutes to get it together, but she managed it after a while. "I have to tell you how this works, and I'll give you another chance to get out of it then. I told you that almost all demons are bound. Toby, we have to be bound. We're chaotic things by our nature. It's just the way that we are. If we are not bound, this just comes out. I can feel it in myself right now. I could easily throw this piece of wood through that window -- part of me already wants to do it, just to hear the sound. I wouldn't think about afterward and what happens because I did it. I can get worse than that. But if I'm bound to you, I wouldn't do these things. I wouldn't need to be told since you are so calm inside you, I just wouldn't. That's why demons must be bound."

She looked down at the small amount of food that remained on her plate, long cold now. If Toby could say the things that he'd said, then it was time for her to step up as well. She took a breath.

Looking up, she said, "So I want to give up my freedom for a life with you. I will give my freedom and bind myself to you, if you will have me as your slave."

He stared at her, "Maezou, I don't want a slave. I just want you."

She shook her head, "We can try to work this out afterward. It's just -- what do you call them -- details then. I don't have to be a slave to you if you don't want that. I just need to be bound to your will -- and I need to bind my soul to yours to do that. We have to do this soon if we're going to do it, Toby. If we take too long, it will come out of me. Before that happens, I'll leave here to protect you." She looked down, "I'm sorry, but it's the only way. Decide now. Hurry. I need to make you understand this, and it will take time to tell it."

"What do I have to do?"

Maezou couldn't help it. She'd decided last night to be calm and level about all of this, but now ... She looked up hopefully, "Do you mean it? Would you do this for my love? I would do anything for yours, Toby."