Lovesickness

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What is Love?
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This is a non-fiction story without sex scenes or the like. It's real life, my real life experience. Don't be too hard on me it's my first submission here and it hasn't been looked at or edited by anyone but me. I will delete comments that seem offensive to me. Please try not to criticize my writing I'm not a professional by far I know, seemingly unlike most of you guys.

*****

Some years ago, 2012/2013 I met this guy "G" (whom I will be referring to as G or he, him etc. from here on). Before we saw each other often (mainly from 2013 on) I had seen him a few times and heard him talk and I always liked him. The thing is he was a teacher at our school and 2012 I was 16, 2013 I was 17 and he was around 60 then. Mid 2013 he started being a teacher for me, as in I started having classes with him as the teacher, and well I was sure after some time that I had a crush on him.

Once we had a this theater group play "the Merchant of Venice" at our school, and many watched it including me and him, and afterwards we discussed it and I had the feeling like because he was looking at me, that he was talking about "us" because I think I had been making eyes at him for some time, smiling at him etc. and maybe we'd talked a bit. I don't know what went on in his head but the way he had looked at me and talked and I had smiled at him etc. and felt such love, that I was "sure" internally he had meant me or us... (As the protagonists). Well since that moment or day the crush was enormous and I just was or fell in love with him. Other than maybe staring at him a lot, being very attentive giving him subtle hints that I had a crush on him, nothing much happened.

November 2014 around one year after he started teaching me, I started writing him anonymous E-mails with sexual and love letter like content explaining my feelings for him and I sometimes left my initials and I thought he was sure or had to be sure they were from me. He never answered though, but I thought he read them and they were our "dirty little secret". In those years we talked some one on one and I always thought that there was something between us he had to know... That I had feelings for him a crush on him. And due to my E-mails (which he never answered, in the following you will come to know that up to this day he has only ever sent me one E-mail) I thought he knew all about my feelings for him. This went on many years, my E-mails were full of my feelings of sadness and lovesickness etc. and sometimes I talked and thought about how I would soon have to be leaving the school, but there were no replies from him. We talked a bit in person though, I asked him personal stuff like his relationship status (he said he was single) and I told him once when he asked me how I was, that I was "upset" and when he asked why, I told him it was because of this guy I had a crush on and that he didn't like me back where after we had this really long and torturous and hurtful talk because he talked to me about his exes, and I thought he knew exactly that I meant him, that I had a crush on him. It was so painful I think I went home and cried. I have cried a few times over this guy "G". But that was a really hard one to swallow, cause it was just hard. Everything he said to me felt so cold and hurtful... Like he didn't have feelings for me at all.

Like he was doing the "grown up" mode, and being supportive or acting supportive but I felt like he was cutting my heart to pieces with his stories of his exes and his feelings for them, not helpful at all, I had wished for something else... I wanted to start the conversation about "us" and it turned into something completely different. 2016 I had to leave the school, I was heartbroken I felt a lot of pain. I kept writing him hoping he would start answering me after I wasn't a student anymore at the school, but he didn't. He once met with me after school, I asked for the meeting through text, because I had his mobile phone number. I had written with him a bit via texting but not much but only rather formally like wishing him "Happy Birthday" once or other stuff. The romantic honest stuff I wrote him anonymously via E-mail. We met in a public place, it wasn't a date, and just talked and I openly confessed my feelings for him, told him I had had a crush on him for a long time etc. and he said things like I didn't know him as a "man" that maybe if I had known him personally that way that I wouldn't want to be with him, he said he no longer had interest in women emotionally in a way. And that he's not a relationship type he'd said many times before that. I don't know if he's into casual sex though or something. Don't know, cause I would be interested and he could have plenty of that with me.

Well we parted that day as "friends" I felt heartbroken but I didn't let it show. It was really hurtful. And my feelings didn't go away they just become worse, and I became increasingly desperate, writing him about my feelings and my heartbreak and these things. How I wished he would love me and be honest with me, and make me his partner. Once I "by coincidence" I found his address in a public source where it was accessible to anyone who cared to look, in a telephone book, they have here in germany listing telephone numbers and addresses of people in one city or area etc. Well since then I was nervous and desperate and I was finally hopeless and at the bottom and I went there a few times, where he lived, from the outside apart from the name-tag it's pretty easy for one who "knows" him to recognize where he lives, which windows belonged to him etc. And I sometimes went there, and sometimes even rang the bell but he wasn't home and no one answered.

I felt really bad and low and stalkerish about doing this and the only comfort I felt was that he treated me like shit, and didn't answer me and I only wanted to confront him and to talk to him.

My life went on, I started going to a university, but secretly I was writing him often about my feelings for him and the torture and pain I felt and practically begging him to reply to me. Writing him was also kind of a stress relief for me as well. I felt like in a way I had a lover or a partner and he listens but doesn't write back but at least he listens and he's my silent companion forever. Well this went on till January 2017, when everything took a drastic turn which began with me writing him from my official not-anonymous E-mail address because I thought, fuck it, I'm no longer his student and I have got nothing to hide anymore. I received an E-mail, the kind one gets when one sends an E-mail to an E-mail address that doesn't exist. So I basically got an E-mail saying that the E-mail I sent love letter like E-mails to for years and years, doesn't exist. I was pretty shocked and petrified over that and just fucked up.

Well I found out that I simply had misspelled his E-mail address at the ending all these years or countless times maybe always... Instead of writing (fictional E-mail address:) G@E-maildomain.com all these years I wrote the german ending I was used to : G@E-maildomain.de all those years. I looked up in my folders where he had once written down his E-mail address to me that his was written with .com at the end and not .de...

Well to this day I do not 100% know if he got my E-mails then, but since then I wrote him to the E-mail address with .com at the ending. This event really shook me up to put it mildly.

But I was still desperate now after the event more than ever and still sometimes rarely went by his place and was hoping to find him there and that he was home. But after that I was kind of desperate one night or evening (it was January so it was dark early) I saw light at his window and I just did it, I just pulled myself together and forced myself to ring the bell... You know, all my heart strings were awake and I was a mixture of a lot of feelings but I felt like I HAD to... I HAD to see him, I was desperate, I felt so pathetic so low sometimes when I was there like someone with an obsession but I felt this PULL towards him and everything in me knew I HAD to see him. Well that one time he was there and he opened the door and we talked outside his apartment door in the stairway (he didn't invite me in).

At first he was surprised but then he seemed angry and kind of even shouted at me and that he doesn't want contact with me, HE said he only got the last few E-mails that I sent to his "real" E-mail address from mine. He said he doesn't have feelings for me that way and his personal life is none of my business. I told him it was because I had feelings for him and just wanted to see him again and well it ended with him wishing me goodbye and telling me to never visit him again, to get psychological help and that he doesn't even want a little contact with me and that he wishes me "well" with my future, ironic coming from a person like that who hurts you as bad as is possible in a way for him. Someone who tramples on your feelings. Telling you even though you "love" them to leave them alone and I don't know hurting you wherever possible.

Well I was fucked up after that. But really upsetting was the thing with the E-mails, I mean I had been writing this guy to my knowledge for years and years now, and never got a reply, I was in a way not that shocked at his rejection, even though the face to face rejection was terribly hard. But Writing someone and not getting a reply for years and years is in a way rejection as well. So I was used to that. Sad as it was and unideal but I had no real choice I had feelings for him and I wanted him to KNOW.

So after thinking about things I decided to compile all the E-mails I had sent to him over the years, most of which I had copy-pasted for myself and some of them I remembered in my head (like the first one and the date I sent it, because I sent it the night prior to a test I had in his class) and in the form of text documents attached to one single big E-mail I sent everything to him "again" at least 70% of everything he must have now read. That made me feel good and better again. And because I couldn't stop, I kept writing him E-mails from my official E-mail address now and still received no reply.

Except for one day, early this year he sent me this really cold and formal and dry impersonal E-mail just saying he didn't want me to write him anymore and that I also shouldn't try to visit him, and that otherwise he might involve others etc. like as a threat and well yeah.

I'm not completely sure anymore if I didn't "visit" him again and rang the doorbell but I think he wasn't home, you see to a person like me who's pretty much desperate and terribly lovesick those threats didn't really do much. But I definitely continued writing him and I still do...

I don't try visiting him now, but if he invited me or wanted me to I most definitely would and I also once wrote him my address and said he can ring my doorbell anytime he wants because I felt guilty in a way for "stalking" him like that.

Sometimes I contemplate doing it... Sometimes I'm in the area and sometimes I just sit on a bench there... I used to do that and contemplate suicide in the beginning of this year. Feeling like the lowest of low and feeling like really unhappy.

I don't see him often now but have seen him in the city a few times after that sometimes by coincidence, unplanned... The first time after the "visit" he practically avoided looking at me and I had the feeling he hated me and that he exuded so much hatred for me and sadism in a way. Well after that after his one E-mail I decided I had to get out there and look for other guys other men who wouldn't treat me like that.

I met one guy "M" also an older man (around 26 years older than me), but in comparison one who was open to a relationship and the first few weeks of talking, were really healing to me. I fell deep for him but the happy optimistic kind of love not the painful kind of love. From him I only mostly take the positive experiences of which by that time I hadn't had many and in a way he saved me and he saved my life.

Sadly though after a while we talked less and less and we haven't or couldn't meet often because of the distance and also because he seems not to have a lot of time. But mostly as I said I only take positive things from that relationship. The relationship with M also never progressed to sex. I'm not giving up on it yet, to me it's not an entirely closed book. I met another guy "D" who's only 2 years older than me... And well.. We had a "real relationship"... I liked his kind attitude towards me and on the first time of meeting he told me that he had been in a "relationship" with an older woman who was around twice his age once for a year at 18. Till she threw him out and treated him like shit. And I told him I had unrequitedly loved my teacher and I felt real sympathy for him he felt like a big brother and kind of safe. And the rest is history.

Well you might wonder, about G about his relationship status, is he really single etc. well obviously I have asked myself that countless times, who might he be with? Is there anyone else? Is there another woman? He told me he has two exes and that he has kids with both of them. I found one of them on facebook, the second one, and she seems to have been involved and married to another person for at least around 20 years because she appears to have children with him that are around that age. Sometimes I wonder if he's been single for approximately 20 years... or if he went back together with his other ex. Maybe he went back together with her.

But now he's single or at least he was when I asked him 2 years or something ago, he said his children are the most important thing to him. And often he has said he isn't the relationship type.

Well what about me now? The feelings I have for G are like this painful desire for him to love me, to have him and as though I were an empty container I wanted him to fill me, to be full of him and I felt empty, nothing could fill me but he. The constant pain I kept writing him about. Sometimes I see G in the city by coincidence the last time was like a week or so ago in the bus, he nodded at me and smiled at me. I keep him updated on my feelings a little bit. I want him to know how I feel I want him to know exactly how I feel about him... But I don't tell him much about my relationship life. Just some stuff etc.

I've endured a lot in the past years. I still feel that emptiness though, this NEED for another person. Like he's a special substance only which could fulfill me. I feel heartbroken I want to love him, I wanted him to be with me. Deep down I don't think/know that this feeling will ever go away. This longing for someone, painful longing. I feel as if it is out of my control and I am "forced" by my nature to long for him and to hurt and suffer and be ridden by jealousy for his ex relationships for the rest of my existence. Or maybe till he dies. But I don't want to think about that since I'm sure it would torture me endlessly to think or know or believe that in this life I might not ever get the chance to be actively loved by him ever. That this longing and this hole inside me will never be fulfilled, and to never be free from the longing and pain that he doesn't actively love me and that he rejected me and that there is no way I can get what I desire the most so painfully.

I feel like I will never passionately love someone like I love him and as desperately as I loved him but I feel like he doesn't need me, doesn't love me and treats me coldly, like I have done something to him. I've told you what I've done to him.

My life goes on with the secret emptiness I feel. My relationships and most other things don't suffer because of this but I do, internally. I don't want my partners to suffer because they provide me with support and strength that I need to endure this. I've thought about killing myself but not seriously since I'm already a recovered suicidal person and the suicide attempt was at 15, before I even met G. After that I had learned my lesson and never attempted suicide again. That's not an option for me.

But for me in regard to G I see a life of endless torture and secret pain being my future. To desire someone and for him to treat it like a joke (I see him smiling all the time, it doesn't bother him in the least I think) or something and to know what they're doing to you but to keep hurting you the way they are and for me to find no other way out. I'm not giving up hope ever I wrote him lately and I also wrote that I hope he feels the way I do someday in the future and that he regrets what he does to me. He can never make good what he's done to me. I promised him and told him often that I will never forgive him ever for how he's treated me and what he's done to me.

But the pain I feel goes on, I feel like he has "won" against me. I love him he doesn't love me. It's as easy as that. Do I deserve to be loved by him? He's over 60 maybe one day he'll die without ever having loved me or having touched me really. I feel like I am half a person sometimes and he doesn't give me the other half on purpose or because he want to or doesn't care about hurt/ing me. Maybe he doesn't know how I feel maybe he can't empathize but I sent him so many letters hundreds and hundreds, explaining how I feel and how he tortures me. But he doesn't reply really. The cruelest part was always when he told me how he had only really loved two women in his life and that he didn't want a relationship with me.

I don't know.

It's a story that hasn't ended yet. It goes on and I could write on endlessly, him as well, he will never "hear" me and never feel guilty "in this life" or like "helping" me. I want him to feel the way he made me feel one day, I want him to regret it and fall in love with me and to realize and accept he loves me. I want him to be tortured by love for me and only me and to forget all about his exes. I want God to treat him like he treated me. That's what I want. I want him to experience the pain I felt and tortured love that I have felt. If he loved me or wanted to love me I would always accept it and give him the chance... I don't know how everything goes on if he'll ever apologize to me not that it matters if he just wants me to leave him alone. Sometimes I have compared his and my relationship to a BDSM relationship just without the consent or safe word. Full of emotional torture.

I only feel this bad when I think about him, seriously and today to write this I coughed up and put together and let all my feelings old and new surface again. Writing this is like therapy just like writing him is in a way also better for me than swallowing all my feelings. The things I write him are private, but this this general summary I want this out in the open. I want you to know and maybe you won't ever understand but I want it out in the open because this is my heart and my experience. I don't know how it goes on.

But I have my relationship and family and other people to keep me up. And the internal pain is my secret but I still need it to be known at least to some.

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The_TrouvereThe_Trouvereabout 6 years ago
This is an excellent and moving story.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I gave this a five star rating.

This teacher's response to you puzzles me. Older men are usually flattered when a much younger woman shows a romantic interest in them. I know I am. Nevertheless, we know that becoming involved with an underage girl can be dangerous.

If I was a teacher and an underage girl showed a romantic interest in me I would respond in a friendly way. I might even praise her loveliness. Nevertheless, I would not be alone with her. I would not touch her.

If she was still attracted to me when she became a legal adult I might change my behavior, but I would always treat her with respect. I would try to avoid hurting her in any way.

I know how it feels to be obsessed with someone of the opposite sex who does not care. I wish you happiness. I hope you find a man who is worthy of your love.

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