Mary and Me

My name is Ryan, Mary and I are fraternal twins and have hated each other since we were two years old. That's when our Mother left us. Soon afterward, our Father committed suicide and we were adopted by our mother's parents, Maurice and Vivian Donahue. They're the only folks we've ever known. We call them Mom and Dad even though they're really our grandparents, they treat us just like we're really their kids. Our last name was Morgan but our adopted parents had it changed legally to match theirs, so we're known as Mary and Ryan Donahue. Over the years it's saved a lot of explaining.

Now, that we're in high school, if we stay out of one another's way, we've learned to tolerate one another. I don't think we've said more than fifty civil words back and forth in the last year, and those are mostly at family gatherings, for appearance sake.

Mary's smarter than I am and does well in school. School just started and we're both juniors this year. At eighteen, we're older than our peers because we lost a year when the family was having so much trouble.

I'm struggling with English, Mary's strongest subject, but I wouldn't ask her for help if I was dying. She's so superior acting, it makes me sick. It's as if she thinks everyone is beneath her and stupid to boot. She works hard and isn't distracted with mundane things like boys, gossip, the latest fashion trends, and things like that. It almost seems like she dresses down, just to look plain and not attract boys or compete with the other girls. I'm sure some of them suspect she's gay. I've sometimes wondered myself.

On the other hand, I'm distracted by almost anything, beginning with girls, and football, and girls, and band, and girls, and friends, and girls, but mostly girls. I don't have much luck with girls. I'm kind of short and average looking, not the things that attract most high school girls. I'm also rather shy which doesn't help me approach someone I don't already know. I'm frustrated, in a bad mood most of the time, and I take it out on anyone in sight. Mostly Mary.

You can imagine my surprise when she knocked on my bedroom door just after I came to bed one night and asked timidly, "Ryan, may I come in?"

I was still dressed so there wasn't really any reason she shouldn't, but I asked her, rather rudely, "What the hell do you want now?"

She replied rather meekly, for her, "I have a problem and I could use some help. It isn't easy to ask you for help Ryan. Please don't be mad at me."

I thought, whoa, I'll bet she's pregnant. There's going to be hell to pay in this house if she is, but I said, "Ok. Come on in."

You know how sometimes something happens that changes your whole attitude about things. That's what happened to me when Mary walked through my bedroom door that night. I saw her in a completely different light. I don't think I'd taken a good look at her since she was eleven and a gawky, skinny kid in pigtails. She'd really filled out since then. She wasn't ugly, she was pretty. She wasn't the competition, she was my sister. The only sibling, I had and was ever going to have. She was in trouble and I wanted to help. I couldn't believe I actually wanted to help. Three minutes ago, I'd wanted to kill her. For the last ten years I'd wanted to kill her, and I'm sure she felt the same way about me.

"What's up... you pregnant?"

"My God no; how could I be pregnant? I don't even go out."

"You don't have to date to get pregnant; you just have to sleep with some jock that doesn't respect you."

"I haven't slept with anyone, have you?"

"Unfortunately no, I haven't... You know I just realized that I haven't really looked at you in the last five years. You're gorgeous, and I hadn't even notice. How can you not date or make out when you look like that? Are you a lesbian?"

"I don't think so, but sex isn't a problem with me; at least not the most pressing problem at the moment. However, before we can deal with my problem we need to call a truce. We're family, and I don't want to continue this feud we've had going all our lives. It seems to me we can both do better if we help each other out instead of fighting all the time. I know I've done as much or more than you to keep the contest alive and I'm sorry. Can we start over... please? I'll do better Ryan, I promise. I want you for a friend as well as a brother."

I couldn't believe my ears, so I said, "You know, suddenly I'm tired of the game we've been playing all these years too. I know you're smarter than I am. I'd love to have someone to talk to that I can trust. I want to be friends too. Do you think we can learn to trust each other?"

"We have to, we don't have anyone else. As far as smarter than you goes, I don't think so, we just know different things. Stand up brother I want to hug you to death."

I stood up and we hugged for the first time I could remember. I know you're not supposed to lust after your sister, but I sure could tell she was a girl, and when she kissed me on the neck, I almost lost it. We stayed that way for a while and finally Mary said, "I love you, Ryan."

I gulped with embarrassment and stammered out, "I love you too, Mary."

It felt like a great weight had just left my shoulders. The frustration, anger, and tension were gone. I looked forward to tomorrow instead of dreading it. I really don't know how our enmity got started; I only know it's been going on for as long as I can remember. If she says yes, I say no. If she says black, I say white. If she says it's funny, I say it's pathetic. Not because either one of us believes what we say, but only because we're not supposed to agree on anything... ever.

"Ok Mary, what's your problem? Do you want advice on how to snag a boy? I can't be much help there. I can't even get a girl interested in me, and I'm not a third as attractive as you are. What do you do, beat 'em off with a stick?"

"No it's not that. School is only a month in and I know I'm going to flunk algebra if I don't get some help. You're a whiz at math and I'd like you to help me out if you're willing."

"Oh I'm willing, but you're missing out on a good opportunity here. If you ask one of the math whiz jocks to help you, you could make some good time with him while he's tutoring you."

Mary was beginning to sound a bit exasperated when she said, "Ryan, what's your obsession with getting me involved with a guy? I don't want some guy groping me while I'm trying to learn algebra. In fact, I don't want some guy groping me at all."

"Aren't you even a little bit curious about what it's like to have a person of the opposite sex touch you in that way?"

"Ryan, I'm not curious enough to start down that slippery slope. I can see that once you start, there's no going back."

"Well if someone offers me that slope, I'll grease my shoes and slide like mad."

"Ryan, There's a lot of difference in the consequences of that slope for the girl than the guy. If the girl gets pregnant, she has a potential tragedy to deal with, but the guy just blows it off and goes on with his life."

"Mary, I don't think I could do that to a girl, especially one I really liked. I hope I can restrain myself from sliding home and just be happy with third base. Ok, I'll coach you in algebra alright, but you'll have to do something for me in return."

Now she's says suspiciously, "What's that? I'm not going to do anything immoral, especially with you. You're my brother and brothers and sisters don't do those kinds of things."

"Well I'm about to die of hormone poisoning and I know if I don't get some relief soon I really am going to die, but I'll settle for you helping me with English lit., because I'm in the same shape there as you are with algebra, and I know it's a snap for you."

"Sounds like a fair trade to me. You help me and I help you. How do you want to organize it Ryan?"

"Well since I can't interest a girl in me, and you don't want to interest a boy in you, we should have plenty of time after school to work on math and grammar. Let's start with you till we catch you up, then we can work on my deficiencies, as we have the time or get bored with math."

Mary said, "Sounds good to me, let's start tomorrow. Ok?"

"Great, tomorrow after school."

After we made our bargain, Mary went back to her room. I was happy to end the feud between us, but I worried about my feelings for her. She didn't seem like my sister. We had been antagonists for so long, the relationship wasn't like brother and sister. I was very attracted to her in the wrong way. I'll need to get her advice on how to snare a girl and have another venue for my lust. In the meantime, I'll just have to grit my teeth and suffer.

The next day as we walked to school together for the first time since I could remember, I noticed how Mary was dressed to conceal or understate her assets. I wondered why she was so reluctance to attract or even interact with boys. She didn't look at or speak to any one, and they ignored her as well. I asked, "Mary, what's your problem with boys?"

She hesitated; I could tell she wanted to tell me to mind my own business, and yesterday she no doubt would have, but she reconsidered and after a long pause said, "I'm afraid of them."

"What do you think they're going to do, drag you off somewhere and rape you?"

"No, I don't mean afraid that way, I mean I don't know what to say to them or how to act around them. They're all about football, cars, fighting, hunting, and trying to make out with girls. Stuff I don't know or care anything about. How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone I think is totally useless and shallow?"

"I don't think you should Mary but isn't it kind of arrogant for you to feel so superior to boys because you think they're all useless and shallow. Am I like that?"

"Frankly, I don't know what you're like. We've only been friends for less than a day so how should I know. I do know one thing about you that bothers me."

"What's that?"

"Ryan, I think you'd do anything to get in a girl's pants right now. Any girl, whether you cared anything for her or not. In fact, I'm afraid if I don't watch out you'll try to get in mine without a second thought, and that disturbs me. I don't want to start fighting again but you asked and I've got to answer honestly. I hope this obsession with sex isn't a characteristic of all the guys. I hope you understand that I'm not available to my brother under any circumstances. That would really be sick."

"Thanks for being honest. I don't know why I have this obsession either, it's all I can think about, but it's not just about getting in some girl's pants. I want someone to care about, and cuddle, someone who'll return my affection. I kind of think behind all the big shot bluster, most guys feel the same way. Yeah if Janie will let him, Joe will take her because he'll lose face if he doesn't, and he'll lose face it he doesn't try, but I think secretly he doesn't really want her to let him, and it's a relief when she won't. As for being your brother I'll pay you the highest compliment I know."

"What's that Ryan?"

"If you weren't my sister I'd be all over you like flies on honey, even if you are kind of surly most of the time."

"So tell me why I should cultivate some boy when I'm perfectly happy the way things are."

"Mary, if you were happy the way things are, you wouldn't be surly most of the time. I haven't seen you smile in... almost forever. Look, genetically speaking, Joe should have knocked you up three times by now; you should have two kids in the cave and one in the oven. Joe is out hunting a bear for dinner and he can't wait to get home and put his big strong hands all over you. I can't believe you don't have some of the primal urges the rest of us do. Maybe if you gave in and quit repressing them, you'd feel better. What do you suppose would happen if you were to dress up, fit to kill, show off those lovely legs and that great rack you have, fix your hair in a sexy do, use a little makeup, find some guy that doesn't totally turn you off, and smile at him like you want to consume him for lunch?"

Mary ducked her head embarrassingly and whispered, "Ryan, if I did that, and he smiled back or did anything except ignore me, I'd throw him on the hall floor and screw him to death in front of God and everybody, before the next class started."

"Whoa, who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

"What do you think I do every night when I'm alone in my room? What do you think I fantasize about when I'm daydreaming in English lit class? Why do you think I'm terrified at the thought of being alone with a male, any male, even you? I want it so bad I'm in pain most of the time. Why do you think I gave you hell about your obsession? Yours is nothing compared to mine. I want it, and I know I better not start because I don't think I could stop myself before something bad happened."

"Bad like what?"

"Like getting pregnant, like getting a disease, or more than one, like getting the reputation of being the school slut, like becoming addicted to sex the way some people get addicted to drugs, like screwing every boy in this school, maybe more than just this school. Ever since I started to develop a body, I've hated it. When I was twelve, I had the most developed bust in the seventh grade and none of the guys could keep from looking at them. I was embarrassed and the other girls hated me. Even then, I couldn't keep my own hands off me, so I let Johnny Patrick touch my breasts. It felt so good it scared me. I still can't keep my own hands off me. I think I must be kind of nuts, so I did what I could to keep to myself. How can I trust me not to go ape if I get near a boy alone?"

"Maybe you need to talk to Mom."

"No way Jose, She'd send me to a convent and I'd screw all the priests."

"Why don't you just go give yourself and orgasm when you feel that way?

"What's an orgasm?"

"Shit Mary, how did you ever get in this spot? An orgasm is a release of sexual tension and it feels great. If you've been feeling yourself up every night for five years, and haven't ever had an orgasm, I'm not surprised you think you're nuts, I'm sure if I'd done the same thing I would actually... be nuts. There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to finish the job."

"How do I do that Ryan?

"Don't you have a girlfriend you can ask?"

"No, I don't run around with any girls. Can't you tell me now that we're friends?"

"To tell the truth, I have no idea, but I'll try to find out." And I thought, who am I kidding? I don't have the faintest idea how girls masturbate or even if they do. I've read a lot about orgasms, but not a thing about how a girl produces one. I wonder if J.B. knows. I'd be embarrassed to ask him and advertise my stupidity about girls.

Jefferson High is an old school, I'd guess sixty years or more, I know our folks went to school there. There's a newer more modern high school on the north side of town where all the rich kids go but we live in the old part of town so we get to go to Jefferson. It's kind of neat really, three grades, sophomore, junior, and senior.

Maybe four hundred kids and twenty teachers all together. Pretty cozy for these days. The band hall is in the boy's gym building, a wooden pile of junk obviously added when the gym in the main school got too small. The band practices in a room under the bleachers on the south side of the building.

In band class that afternoon, my attentions kept being drawn to Nola Sue. She sits first chair French horn in the band, that's one row in front of where I sit. She's a senior and quite attractive but seems kind of unapproachable. I fantasized about her some times, and now I wondered if I'd end up dead for asking her how girls masturbate, and what Mary needed to do to finish the job? I don't even know if girls do masturbate. Would she kill me, or report me for sexual harassment? Of course, first chair French horn players don't have much use for second chair cornet players anyway, and seniors don't have much use for juniors either. Add those together and I'd guess my chances are about one in a hundred that I won't get a year in detention, but you never can tell. I've never given her any trouble, so maybe she won't smack me in the mouth right up front.

When class was over and she was putting her horn away I approached her and said, "Hi, I'm Ryan Donahue."

She said, "I know, I've seen you around a lot, what can I do for you Ryan?"

"I have a problem that I need a female's help with."

"Don't you have a sister?"

"I do, but she's the one with the problem. I'm just trying to help her out."

"She pregnant?"

"No just the opposite, she's never even been out. Never been with a boy let alone done what it takes to get pregnant." I hesitated then said, "I'm afraid this is going to get personal, if it offends you just say so and I'll go away. I'm not trying to hit on you or anything. What Nola said then, totally blew my mind, she said, "Sorry to hear that."

I replied in amazement, "You're sorry I'm not hitting on you?"

"That's what I said."

"Please elaborate, I'm confused. I didn't think girls wanted to be hit on!"

"Look Ryan, I'm a senior, the female equivalent of a nerd. I make good grades, I'm not a cheerleader and don't want to be. I'm not a fashion plate, I'm not pretty, and my figure leaves something to be desired. In other words, I don't exactly attract boys like bears to honey. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like a boy to try to get to me. I don't want to go to college next year without at least some opposite sex experience. You're the first guy that's shown any interest in me at all, so I guess you're elected."

"That's the best offer I've had this year, or any year for that matter. I think you're very attractive Nola, and you shouldn't put yourself down. I'd be pleased to try to get to you, but unfortunately I don't know any more about the opposite sex things than you do, as you're gonna realize when I ask you about Mary's problem."

"Ask away."

How the hell did I get here and what the hell do I do now. I'm just trying to help my 'estranged until yesterday' sister out. I've been seriously propositioned by a very hot senior girl, I've backed myself into a corner that's going to make me reveal I don't have the slightest idea what the hell I'm doing. If this goes badly I'll probably never be able to talk to any Jefferson High girl again. If I don't end up expelled, I'll probably end up in jail. The way I'm going today, if I was lucky enough to have a wet dream, I'm sure I figure some way to screw it up.

Nola was looking at me inquisitively and I blurted out before I could think anymore, "Do girls Masturbate?"

Her eyes got kind of wide and she answered, "Yyyyes."

"All girls?"

She answered hesitantly, "I expect so."

"That means you do?"

"Well... Yes."

"How does a girl masturbate?"

"I don't understand the question."

"Well mechanically what... do you do?"

"Well I suppose if a boy was doing it to a girl, it would be called foreplay. Do boys masturbate?"

"Obsessively."

"All boys?"

"I'm sure of it. Do you have an orgasm when you masturbate Nola?"

"That's what it's all about, isn't it Ryan?"

"What happens when you have an orgasm?"

"I don't think I can describe it in words, you'd just have to be there when a girl has one to have a vague idea. I'm not sure a male could appreciate the feeling."

"Nola, would you be interested in my doing for you, what you've been doing for yourself?" I don't believe I just said that. I just shot myself in the foot, or more likely in the balls actually.

Nola cocked her head a little to the left and said in a scolding voice, "Interested? Innocent Nola Sue Deming interested in that? Since you've taken the liberty of going so far with your unsolicited sexual advancements, if you don't want to be in serious trouble... I demand it. In fact, I'd do almost anything to make that happen."