Mason Ch. 07

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Letting go, a final goodbye.
8.1k words
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Part 7 of the 15 part series

Updated 09/22/2022
Created 09/25/2011
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kalamazoo707
kalamazoo707
1,664 Followers

Mason caught Toni as she slid from the couch to the floor. He heard someone come into the room and waved them away before she saw them. He held Toni against his chest as she screamed, cried and cursed at him, James and God. He didn't stop her when she began to hit him in anger, as a matter of fact he didn't even speak to her.

"You fucking lied to me!" she screamed several times as she pounded Mason's chest with her fist. She wasn't hurting him but he was concerned about her hurting herself. It was a long time before she started to wind down but still Mason held her.

When she quieted, Mason carefully loosened his hold on her and spoke to her.

"Toni?" he called softly.

Toni looked at him and then scrambled away before standing up and walking to her room without looking back.

Barbara came into the living room with a concerned expression on her face.

"Where is she?" she asked.

"In her room but alright for the moment. Keep an eye on her though she's very angry at James and if she hurts herself it's going to be a spontaneous act and not a planned one. Let me ask you a question that you may not know the answer to, I know that Toni feels that she should have saved James but there's more to it than that. Do you know what that might be?" Mason asked.

Barbara sat down and indicated to Mason that he should do the same.

"I think that part of her guilt is because she feels that she robbed them of more time together." Barbara said.

Mason listened as Barbara explained their relationship which consisted of a series of breakups and reconciliations that spanned a three year period.

"And then suddenly she was totally in love with him, I can't explain it and neither could she but do you see how she would feel guilty?" Barbara asked.

Mason did and he said so.

"We have to get her to start talking." Mason said, "Did James leave anything for her or did she keep any mementoes?" he asked.

"The only thing that I know of is that he made several videos of himself that she got after he died. He gave them to his attorney to give to her if anything happened to him." Barbara said.

"Has she watched them?" Mason asked.

"Not really, she puts the first one in and turns it off after a few minutes. Why?"

"I think that the key is going to be in her watching those videos." Mason replied. "But she's not ready to do that just yet. Don't force it and don't bring it up unless she does. If she watches one, don't comment." He advised.

"What else can we do?" Barbara asked.

"Love her as you've been doing and call me for anything at anytime." he said as he stood.

"Oh, you need a ride back, let me get my coat." Barbara said.

"No need, I had someone bring my car for me. Please don't hesitate to call me." Mason reiterated as Barbara walked him to the door.

Toni heard her mother's voice but couldn't hear what was being said. She lay on the bed and held James' pillow tight against her chest and cried herself to sleep. The dream was the same but with a difference, Gina; James' mother was screaming at her asking the same question that James always asked when the dream was about him, "Why did you let him die?"

Mason walked to his car and pulled out his cell phone, as he suspected Lydia had called him several times and left several messages both voice and text. He called her back as he drove.

"Lydia, I'm sorry to get back to you so late but as I mentioned I have a very emotionally distraught client, so what can I do for you?" he asked.

"Meet me for coffee." she replied.

"Certainly, where would you like to meet?" he asked.

Lydia gave him an address in an area that he was familiar with.

"I know the area, are we meeting at 'The Brew'? He asked.

"You know it?"

"Yes I do, they have the best croissants that I've ever had. I should be there in fifteen minutes."

He hung up and called Dr. Kirkland and gave him the address.

"Please don't let her get away again." Mason said and hung up.

He had no intention of going to the coffee shop but on a whim, he went and saw Lydia waiting for him. He parked, got out and walked toward her.

"You came!" Lydia said.

"Of course, I believe that I owe you an apology for the way I treated you when we last saw each other." he said. "May I buy you a coffee?" he asked.

They chatted for several minutes with Mason including an apology that made Lydia melt. By the time he was finished Dr. Kirkland had arrived with an assistant. Lydia smiled at him when she saw him.

"Dr. Kirkland! Mason and I were just having a nice chat over a cup of coffee and he just apologized for being so rude to me. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Lydia..." The doctor started but stopped when he saw Mason's warning glance.

"That is wonderful! Why don't you come with me and tell me all about it?" he asked as he held his hand out to her.

"I have to go now, you don't mind do you?" Lydia asked Mason.

"Not at all and thank you for meeting with me." Mason said standing up.

"Damn." he muttered as they walked away, she had literally only wanted an apology from him. He shook his head and finished his coffee. He needed to get home and figure out what his next step with Toni was going to be.

He was sure that she wouldn't deliberately hurt herself but her grief, guilt and anger was so deep and she hadn't even begun to let James go. He was curious as to what was on those videos, if he knew that he might know how much he could push her and it would give him a much better understanding of their marriage. He looked at the clock, it was much too late to call her mother and ask for the discs but if he had them Toni wouldn't be able to look at them if she felt so led to do so. That meant that he had to watch them there but maybe not. He had been invited into her house and wouldn't need to be invited in again, he could go in and get them and bring them back. Tonight he would come back to see Toni, wait until everyone was asleep and get the videos and take them back before morning.

***

Toni sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. What had her mother been thinking in bringing that man here? What part of she didn't need help were they not understanding? She smelled coffee brewing and knew that her parents were up. She stomped into the kitchen prepared to yell and scream until she saw Jamie in her mother's arms decorating pancakes with cherries and whipped cream to make smiley faces.

"Your mommy used to like to make these too." Barbara said to Jamie. "Maybe she'll be up soon and we can make one for her." she added.

Toni swallowed her anger and said, "I'm up."

Barbara turned around and smiled at her.

"Good morning! Jamie just made a smiley face pancake for you."

Toni fought back tears as she looked at the pancake. She took Jamie from her mother's arms and kissed him.

"Thank you baby sweetness" Toni said calling him the name that James used to call him. "Want to share?" she asked as she sat down.

Barbara watched as Toni and Jamie shared a pancake and then made another one. It was a step, a tiny one but Barbara believed in claiming the small victories.

After she and Jamie ate, Toni pulled her mother aside.

"Mom, I know that you're trying to help but you had no right bringing him here after I told you that I don't need help..."

"You look here," Barbara said firmly. "Don't you tell me what I have the right to do and what I don't. Ever since James died, I've watched you die a little each day and no I don't know what its like to lose a man who was a lover, a husband and a friend but I do know that you're hurting and the pain isn't getting less it's getting worse with each day that we come closer to the day that you buried James. I told you before that if you aren't going to take care of yourself then I was going to do it for you until you woke up and started being a mother to that little boy and started taking care of yourself. If you're mad about it then be mad because that's the way it is and let me remind you of something, James loved you and he would not and I repeat he would not want you doing what you're doing. He would want you to live, to go back to work and do what you're good at. If you can't cope he would want you to talk to someone and I think that he would choose that man that was here last night. Now I'm done talking." Barbara said and stomped away.

It had been a long time since Toni had seen that side of her mother and she had to agree with her on one point, she had to start being a mother to Jamie starting now.

She went back to her room, took a shower and put on real clothes for the first time in months and went to find Jamie.

"Mommy!" he called when he saw her. Toni almost cried at the joy that she heard in his voice when he said her name.

"Come here." Toni said holding her arms out to him. "I love you." she said.

"Love you." Jamie said hugging her back.

It struck Toni that she had missed out on almost a year of Jamie's life because of her anger and grief; she had some things to make up for.

Barbara and Ben watched and breathed a small sigh of relief, they weren't out of the woods just yet but it was a start.

Later while Jamie was napping, Toni talked with her parents.

"I... I wanted to thank you for dropping everything and coming here to take care of Jamie and me. I know that I haven't.... that it hasn't been easy and ... mom, I miss him and I don't know if I'll ever stop but I'll try to rejoin the human race because... James would want me to and because Jamie needs me."

Barbara listened to Toni talk and for the most part believed her but there was something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Maybe it was because the turn around had been too fast, last night she was on the floor in the arms of a man that she had only met once screaming in pain, anger and misery and today she's was ready to reenter the world. Maybe it was because of what she had said to her in the morning but she didn't think so, her nurses' instinct was kicking in and she was now almost as worried as she was before. She was going to call Mason, the best thing he could tell her was not to worry so much but she needed to hear it from him.

She made an excuse to go to the store so that she could talk in private. She drove to the closest grocery store and parked before calling Mason.

Mason had just logged off of his laptop when his cell phone rang.

"Mason Donahue." He said in a very business like tone.

"Dr. Donahue? It's Barbara Greene, Toni's mother."

"Good morning and please call me Mason. How's Toni this morning?" he asked.

"That's why I'm calling. Either you're a miracle worker or there's something else going on." she said.

Mason listened as she told him about the conversation that she had with Toni in the morning and then what Toni told her and her husband not long ago.

"What do you think? Am I worrying over nothing?" Barbara asked.

Mason took a moment to think before replying.

"It sounds like she's doing whatever it is she thinks everyone else wants including James in the hopes that everyone will do what she wants and that's to leave her alone. The problem is that it doesn't deal with the deep grief, anger, and sense of guilt that she feels. However I do believe that she'll do her best for the baby because he needs her whereas the rest of us don't or so she thinks. The good thing is that Jamie will keep her grounded and here with us but I want to caution you against pushing her too hard. I plan to stop by later this evening." Mason said.

"Is it alright to tell her?" Barbara asked.

"Yes, I don't want her to feel ambushed, I'll see you tonight." he said and then hung up.

Barbara almost forgot that she was supposed to be getting something at the store and ran in to buy a few things.

When she got back Toni was in the yard with Jamie. She debated as to when she should tell her that Mason was coming by and decided that there was no time like the present.

"Honey, I talked to Dr. Donahue, he said that he'll be by later to see you."

Barbara saw Toni tense and waited for the response that never came. Toni kept pushing Jamie on the swing for several minutes before she turned around with a fake smile plastered on her face. The smile only became real when she looked at Jamie, it was then that Barbara realized that Mason had been right on the money and that she Barbara had pushed too hard in her attempts to help.

Toni took Jamie into the house and handed him to her father before going into her room and falling apart, she couldn't pretend that she was ready to reenter the world when she wasn't. James would have understood that but he wasn't here. She would do the only thing that she could do and that was care for their son and that had to be enough. The anniversary of James' burial was four days away and she had no idea of how she was going to get through it. She had planned to visit his grave site alone but his parents already told her that they wanted to go with her and she was too tired to argue with them. She just wanted to talk to him, maybe he would hear her, she wanted to hear him tease her about her cooking skills or lack thereof, damn it! She wanted him back. She wanted those years that she had robbed them of while she was so busy being selfish and was too stupid to realize that she really loved him. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was that she couldn't save him and how much she loved him.

But the time for that was gone, she would never get to tell him how she felt. Toni curled into a ball and cried. She never heard her father come in, didn't feel him sit on the bed and didn't fight as he took her into his arms as she cried her heart out. He didn't tell her what she should be doing or what James would have wanted her to do, she knew all of that. Her father did the one thing that she needed more than anything else at that moment, he let her cry. When she was done, he tucked her in, kissed her head and left softly closing the door behind him.

Toni slept for three hours, it was the first dreamless sleep that she had since James died. She remembered that she used to call her father the magic dream man because whenever she had a bad dream, he would do just as he had done for her tonight. He didn't try to explain why she had the bad dream because it didn't matter but what did matter was that she was afraid. He would hold her until she stopped shaking and then tuck her in just as he had done tonight and the bad dream didn't come back.

Toni got out of bed and took a shower giving her hair a good wash and extra conditioning, after the shower she washed and moisturized her face and then oiled her body. She had lost weight, James would have... she stopped herself from completing the thought. She dressed in a pair of jeans that were now two sizes too big and an oversized tee shirt. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and went to the living room to see Mason playing on the floor with Jamie.

"Hi." she said softly.

Mason looked up at her and smiled.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" he asked as he caught a ball that Jamie threw at him.

"A little better." she replied.

"Really? Or are you giving me the answer that you think I want to hear?" he asked.

Toni hesitated as she thought about his question.

"Really, I'm a little better."

"Good." Mason said turning his attention back to Jamie.

Toni sat on the couch furthest away from Mason and watched him play with Jamie.

"You have children?" she asked.

"No I haven't been blessed with either a wife or children." he replied.

Which was a lie, at least the wife part of it was but this wasn't about him and his fuck ups and it kept things simple.

"You're good with them." Toni said.

"I like kids." Mason replied. "And Jamie here is a good boy." Mason added.

Mason stayed for another twenty minutes and then left. Toni looked better, her hair and skin weren't as dull but she had lost too much weight but none of that was important, getting her through the anniversary date of her husband's burial was. He wondered if she was going to go to the grave site, it could be therapeutic for her if she did. He would call Barbara and ask her and go from there and alert her to keep an eye on Toni, he had the feeling that this was the calm before the storm.

*****

Toni became more apprehensive as the anniversary date of James' funeral approached. Tomorrow was it and she still had no idea of how she was going to get through it. For just a brief second, rage flared at him, that he would dare leave them. The rage was followed by intense sorrow; somehow she had to let him go. Maybe tomorrow she could and then she could move on. Move on to what? She asked herself as she looked at the outfit that she was going to wear tomorrow.

Toni sighed and headed toward the kitchen, she had been making an effort to eat meals with Jamie even though she herself wasn't hungry. Her mother stopped telling her what she needed to be doing in order to move on and Toni suspected that her father had something to do with that.

She still wished that she was going to the gravesite alone; she had so much that she wanted to say. Telling James how pissed at him she was at him was one thing but she didn't know how to tell her parents and his parents that she didn't want them there. She would just have to go another time she decided as she threw on an oversized tee shirt and finished getting ready for supper.

She stopped in the hallway when she heard Mason's voice. Why was he here again? She wondered. She took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen to see Mason holding Jamie. When Jamie saw her, he struggled to get down and ran to her once his feet hit the floor.

"Mommy!" he squealed.

Toni scooped him up in her arms and kissed him before greeting Mason.

"Hello." Toni said not really looking at him.

"Hello, I was wondering if I could have a word with you." Mason said.

"Oh, well we're about to have supper and...."

'It'll wait." Barbara said.

Toni shot her mother an angry glance but put Jamie on the floor and headed toward the living room.

"What do you want?" Toni asked.

"To see how you're doing." Mason replied not at all put of by her curt tone.

"I'm just peachy keen." she replied sarcastically.

Mason didn't respond for a moment.

"Will you talk to him?" he asked.

The question caught Toni completely off guard.

"I, I don't know." she replied.

Mason didn't say anything for several seconds.

"I am told that it can be freeing to talk to a loved one even though they are no longer with us." he said.

"Have you lost someone?" Toni asked.

"Yes." Mason replied thinking about Katrina.

"Did you talk to them?"

"Yes." Mason replied not telling her that Katrina was alive and well. He really hadn't lied, he did lose Katrina and he did talk to her and made his peace.

"Did it help you?" Toni asked.

"It did." Mason replied.

Toni looked away and then looked back at Mason.

"What do I say?" she asked, the earlier sarcasm gone from her voice.

"Whatever you want including how angry you are that they're gone. There are no rules as to what is acceptable and what isn't, it's all about what's inside of you." Mason said.

Toni bit her lip to fight back a tear.

"I want to talk to him but... everyone will be there."

Mason understood. There were things that no one else needed to hear but she couldn't ask or tell their parents that she didn't want them there. James was lost to them as well.

"If you want, I could take you tonight." Mason said.

"I can't ask you to do that." Toni said surprised.

"You didn't ask, I'm offering. Would you like to go tonight?"

Toni looked toward the kitchen and then back at Mason trying to figure out why he was being so nice to her. This was far above what he was obligated to do for someone that he really didn't know.

"Why are you here?" She asked.

"You needed help and it's what I do." Mason replied without hesitation.

kalamazoo707
kalamazoo707
1,664 Followers